Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I want to get a seeing eye monkey. Who will also throw poop at my enemies.

So yeah, I got my new glasses. I was so looking forward to picking them up that I posted that as my status on Facebook. We, the man I married and I, rushed over to Dr. Grim's and guess what?

I fucken hate them.

I am so bummed out about spending a shit-ton of money on them that I can't even breathe right now.Sure they look pretty sitting on top of my copy of The Sandlot (one of the best movies ever made) but maybe it was too much to ask of them to make my face look good?

I've been sitting here asking myself if I would be this pissed off if I had gotten the cheapo $40 frames and I gotta say that I doubt it. I'd probably would have just shrugged and said 'welp! you get what you pay for!' and then I would have slapped a couple of old ladies at Target and had some laffy taffy. Instead I'm wondering why the FUCK I went against my instincts.

Now I'm unbelievably (thesaurus time!)

annoyed, bad tempered, bellyaching, crabby, cranky, disappointed, discontent, displeased, dissatisfied, griping, grouchy, grousing, grumpy, irritable, irritated,

The ones I just replaced lasted 5 years so this means you're in for FIVE years of a bitchy(er) Bee.

I almost feel bad for you. Almost.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed.

This is not a cry for help. I'm sure that when I get my contacts (A MONTH FROM NOW because I apparently have some sort of eclipse in my retinas so very special molds need to be made to make my very special contacts) I'll be a tad happier.

Damn you George Burns!


  1. You are just upset because you look better than your glasses. Don't you know all us guys like the repressed Librarian look?

  2. Ow...that sucks Bee. However, you will just have to look as pretty as ever to make up for the bad frames. Have you considered a monocle and an eye patch?

    Thanks for your comment. I didn't really intend to guilt you into visiting, but I'm glad you did. Miss talking to you in chat!

  3. So, do you look like Gok with those glasses?

    Just avoid mirrors and you'll be fine.

  4. Hopefully you'll get used to them - a bit of an adjustment period, perhaps?

  5. Just read HumorSmith's comment. I think he's onto something there!

  6. I hate that. I fucking hate that. I bought a 300 dollar pair of glasses a few months ago that I thought I liked and I hate them too. So I never wear them. Yay for throwing 300 bucks down the toilet!

    Sorry babe. Hang in there. Your special contacts will be here soon :)

  7. can you return them????

    ...me? Oh, I need new glasses so badly...it's just...finding the time when my 3 year old isn't with me, so I can go & get that dreaded shoot-air-into-your-eyeballs test, while hearing the hum-drum, "better on one? better on two? better on one? better on two?"
    Ugh....I hate eye exams.....

    the frames LOOK cute. Let's get a pic of you in 'em.

  8. Those look like my reading glasses ;-)

    I'm sure it's just your hairstyle. Once you change it, the glasses will look great. (I have no idea what your hairstyle is like. I'm just making up crap).


  9. Put them on, wear them until you just cannot anymore. Keep doing that until you get used to the way you look in them, and woila should be fine by the time your contacts come in. :)

  10. Dude.
    I went to the eye doctor yesterday, my vision has gotten better... but my astigmatism has gotten worse. The price of my contacts has now increased by 50%.AWESOME!!

    i totally have sympathy for you.

  11. Same problem. I bought 2 pair of Chanels. One for driving and watching movies, the same one in sunglasses. $500. about 6 years ago. I went in recently to upgrade and it was almost a grand. Going back to cheapos.

    And yes, men LOVE the repressed librarian look. I get cruised more with the glasses than without.

  12. bummer

    my glasses not only look bad they also have a giant crack in them.

    not to braggg but my eyes improved so much the last time I went to the Dr. that I got to dump my toric lense for a plain run of the mill one.

  13. Would you be interested in discussing a frames exchange? I've had my glasses for four years and it's time for a change. Thing is, they sort of look like what you already have, but smaller. Either way, I'm game if you are!

  14. That's why, when I need new glasses, I am going to buy the ones from the drug store that only come in crazy frames and cost $10 for two pair. Why? Because I am cheap and I hate doctors.

  15. I hate glasses. I get the coolio, very expensive and special contacts too! Weird eyes.

  16. No money back guarantee? Take em back.

  17. You could always do what I do there Bee.....

    Wear them once a year, and be happy that at least you're not completely ignoring them..

    Then return to squinting and using the "trombone arm" for reading.

    All in all, either wear 'em, or cope with waiting until the contacts are in!

    My vote?


    I sure wish I could use 'em, but a partially separated cornea problem a few years back keeps me from being able to wear them at all.. *le sigh*

  18. Marvel Goose:
    You are such a sweet man. (Unlike my friend Brian)

    And then I can say Aaaargh.
    No guilt involved. I haven't been by too many of my favorite haunts lately due to Andy being a hard taskmaster.

    I'll deal with you later.

    Chris Wood 1:
    Yeah, maybe like a new haircut, I just need to get off my pity pot. ;o)

    Chris 2:
    I vote for eye patch.

    I hear lenscrafters lets you take them for a test drive and return them if you don't like them. I am currently boycotting them but maybe I'll cave next time.

    No, I go to a little office. :o(

    Your glasses are HAWT!

    Thanks for the words of encouragement but maybe it's facestyle. ;o)

    Great advice, thanks! :o)

    I might as well have paid with one of my kidneys. And yeah, my problem is astigma-screw-you-in-the-wallet-tism.

    So you're saying it coulda been worse.

    jean knee:
    One day, I will get tired of your bragging ways. ::sniffles::

    jean knee:
    Me too.

    Let's do it FADKOG!! Can you also autograph them so that may sell them on ebay? ;o)

    The Office Scribe:
    uhhhhhh NO! Stop! Don't do that! That's what the ladies I work with do and well, they've seen better days.
    The ladies not the glasses.

    Mary Moore:
    I can't wait for mine.

    No money back guarantee. I considering other options like a face transplant.

    I can't wear contacts for more than 6-8 hours which is why I need back up in the form of glasses.

  19. Whenever I put on my glasses, I get this sexy Sarah Palin look about me.

  20. I am glad that I wear contacts all the time because picking glasses is way too hard. George Costnaza once said it is like picking a new face.

  21. Holy crap! Sounds like you and me have the same optometrist... but four years later, I wear my glasses and giggle because everyone else has to see them. NOT ME!

  22. You can have my child for the poo flinging monkey part. She's good at that.

  23. Grant Miller:
    Funny, they make me look like Tina Fey.

    Lucky! If it weren't for weird eyeball infections and um the fact I don't know where you live, I'd totally go steal yours right now.

    Yeah. I keep hoping my brain will just ignore the rims.

    You are so on! I just bought some gold fish crackers for my niece but I'll share 'em.

  24. Oh, I could have totally saved you from this Bee! I did the exact same thing. Actually, I think your glasses were exactly like mine.
    The guy in the store was all "Ooo, they really make your eyes POP!"

  25. And hey! Can I be a part of the innapropriate card day????

  26. Tracy:
    The frames look good it' just the lenses are all screwy.

  27. I don't have a monkey, but I can loan you my 3 year old. She doesn't actually throw poop, she just finger paints with it, but I am sure you could teach her in no time.

  28. I'm late to this convo. I have a doctor's note for you somewhere here... I swear!

    What's wrong with how they make you look? What does Andy say?? I mean... at least they're not Sally Jesse glasses, you know what I mean?? Perhaps you should poll friends and family, like I did about the haircut. AH! polls!

  29. BEEEEEE!
    1)Expensive = cool

    2) My kids have those glasses, this means: The glasses are cool.

    You are welcome!

  30. I think they are sexy. Sorry you hate them.

  31. Wow. As one who wears glasses, I can empathize.

    I would like a seeing-eye-whore, who could perform kinky sexual things upon me when she wasn't guiding me.

    I'm Stumbling this because your anger is just so perfect.

  32. I hope my seeing eye llama that spits on passersby and your poo flinging monkey don't ever cross paths at a seeing-eye animal convention. Could get messy.

    Besides that point, however, the glasses look cool. Of course if you don't like the way they look on your face, there is always plastic surgery! I have always found it's easier to make my face fit the glasses instead of the glasses fit my face!


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