Monday, June 6, 2011

J-Lo's "music" is equal to one million tiny unicorns inside your head stabbing your brain with their tiny headhorns.

I know what your thinking "But I love unicorns!" and I love them too and I like to dance in the rain with them every time I'm buzzed on Nyquil but the truth of the matter is that nobody would enjoy them making holes in your brain. Nobody.
ANYWAY, back to J-Lo.
I think that actors that play musicians/singers in movies should sign a contract that says something like:

"Just because I am playing the role of SELENA or RAY CHARLES*, this does not mean that I myself possess the talents that they did so I will never ever subject the world to my autotuningoversynthesizedstudiomonotone singing under penalty of repeated slapping to the face. Amen"

Unfortunately for the world, we have already been subjected to many vocal disasters from actors who think they can cross over to the harmonious side because of this pesky thing we call freedom to do as you please as long as you are not breaking the law but by them putting out these compilations of horror, they are murdering my eardrums and maybe even the music industry because every Tom, Dick and Sylvester Stallone will think they can sing and when will enough be enough? Sylvester Stallone isn't even a good actor!

As a matter of fact, I think we as human beings have the responsibility to form some sort of coalition or maybe sign a petition that will keep radio stations, TV stations, internet sites and whatever other media that will be invented in the future, from playing their music.
I mean, there is nothing worse than listening to your radio as you are winding down for the night, after fighting rabid mosquitoes and giant soul sucking spiders in your garden, and then having to listen to J-Lo's "song" where she pronounces Africa like this ahfrEEEEKHAH just so that it will sorta rhyme with whatever God awful "lyric" she "sang" before that.
 Why not just change the station, you ask. Well, what if it has taken you 15 minutes of moving this way and that way until you found the sweet spot on the bed that would let you softly drift off into sleep where you will dream of Henry Cavill being your Superman and so you really don't want to risk moving a single inch and the radio is all the way on the other side of the bed where you have a manlike obstacle quietly snoring and do you really want to climb over him and risk him thinking it's ::wink wink:: time?

But on the other hand, your ears are bleeding from J-Lo's monotonous bleating where she declares that "Tonight we gon' be it on the floor Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala" (and she sings it just like it is written, with no harmony what's so ever)(What are my qualifications for judging her "talent"? Years and years of listening to music that's what!).

Decisions decisions.

I would rather avoid the whole ordeal and just have her music banned for the sake of mankind soooo…

Since I believe myself to be a fighter of all causes that don't really need to be fought, I am starting an online petition here (of course, since I myself do not possess any internet talents, the actual petition is really just a Facebook page where you can leave comments):

People can go there and vent about other "singers" that need to be banned from the airwaves so that our auditory senses don't disappear and leave us standing around like goldfish staring vacantly at murky glass while our mouths go like this (picture me opening my mouth and closing it goldfish style) and waiting for the time where we will be mercifully flushed down the toilet.


I know some of you are going to tell me that there have been some actors that were able to make the transition successfully and some others will point out that there are singers who become actors so why am I picking on just one group. Well, first of all, cause I want too. And second of all, movies are not forced upon me randomly while typing away at my computer or showering or having ::wink wink:: time. Since I listen to the radio all day at work, while I'm getting ready for work and while I'm trying to fall asleep, I feel I have the right to bitch and moan about it as I please. So there!

*Really Jamie Foxx? You can't separate bad acting from reality so you decide to move to bad singing?


  1. Oh dear, oh dear. My head huts just thinking about it.

    I love the unicorn photo. :)

  2. I loathe that song! Couldn't she come up with her own tune?

  3. In our town centre, all street performers have to pass an audition before being allowed out - perhaps they should make recording artists do the same thing. They could have a panel of judges and the public could vote. In fact, I'm told that they do have such a program already on TV, though I've not seen it. All they have to do now is ban all records that haven't been voted for in this way.

  4. Awwwe, I like J-Lo, it's all the electronic cover up that makes her a "good" singer.

    Although, I have heard her without the vocal enhancments, and she does need some work, uggh. Her hubby, on the other hand, is an AWESOME vocalist!


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