So I went to a new doctor a couple of weeks ago, I know what you’re thinking, “A new doctor, Bee? What happened to the grandmotherly Polish woman you’ve been going to for years?” She abandoned me that’s what! She picked up and moved her practice to Michigan with not so much as an “I enjoyed removing your skin tags!” card. Thanks for bringing it up and reopening the wound! Pour some lemon on it why don’t ya’!
This left me with no other choice than to look for a new female doctor cuz I was not going to let the MALE doctor that took over the grandmotherly Polish woman’s practice see my wobbly bits (especially because I was tricked into going there to get a refill on my blood pressure pills and he was all “next time you come in, I’m gonna feel your breasts” oh hell no!)… where was I? I forgot why I even brought this up… Oh right! I remember.
I was not prepared for the shit-ton of questions I was asked by 2 different people! I felt like I was caught smuggling kittens in my nostrils and they were trying to get to the bottom of why.
“Do you drink alcoholic beverages on a regular basis?”
They give me a look that says they’re on to my shenanigans “By regular we mean 2-3 times a week”
Now I get a look that says they don’t believe me because how else would I get through life? “Once a week? Twice a month?”
“More like one Mojito once every 6 months… My father is an alcoholic so I more or less have an aversion to liquor”
Busily type-type-type-typing while giving me sideways glances. “O-KAAAAY. I’ll just enter “socially”—“
“No. I do not drink socially. I do not consume alcoholic beverages at social events or with friends or family or picnics with my dogs. I do not drink regularly. Having 2 Mojitos a year is not in anyway considered a “social drinker”.”
I had to go through this twice. Once with the physician’s assistant and then again with the doctor. Why is it so hard to believe that there are some people who are just not interested in alcoholic beverages? As of this very moment in time, I have had one half of a beer and a pina colada I shared with Andy and it’s what? September? I honestly would rather have water or green tea or anything else that doesn’t taste like rubbing alcohol.
I think next time I’ll just say “Do I drink? I’m drunk right now, bitches!” and they’ll probably accept that as truth faster than you can say “belly shots”.
I don’t think my answer mattered one bit because they were just going to type whatever the fuck they thought was “the norm”. Goes to show how much they really know because they measured my height and told me I’m only 5 feet one and a half inches when the whole world can clearly see that I am FIVE FEET TWO INCHES TALL!
They also took my blood and made me give them a urine sample. I’m assuming they’re going to test me for rabies…