Thursday, October 16, 2008

Oh Gahndi! Will you be my bodygaurd? I know you're dead but I'm sure we can work something out.

As I type this, it's a beautiful evening in Chicagoland. The kind I love and look forward to every year. I'm sitting next to the open window (don't tell Andy, he'll yell if he finds out I opened it again) letting the cool breeze freeze my toes. Our trees seem to be glowing from the fall colors and I know what this weekend's chores will be, picking up soggy leaves and burning the dry branches. Fall? Te adoro!

After reading that, you are probably thinking "Oh good! Bee's in a great mood and it's about time! I'm tired of her constantly w h i n i n g!"

Yeah, dream a little dream, people!

Do you guys know who Gandhi was? Apparently he was some dude who was always peaceful and I believe he won a peace prize for not losing his shit (I can't be bothered to look him up so if you know more about him and I got any of it wrong, don't correct me because you'll only anger the beast)(thanks). Well, even that guy would go apeshit at the Asylum. He would probably hide under people's desks and slash their ankles with a sharpened calculator! … Not that I've EVER thought of doing that… nope.

Went bat* huntin' and...

Weirdly, my relationship with the attorneys I have to deal with has gotten better. I don't know if word has gotten out about my MAD negotiating skillz or what but I now get nice, even tempered requests to go fuck myself as opposed to those rage filled tirades. I call that progress! Yay me!

You know what I've learned here at Arkham Asylum and will be careful not to repeat when I find another job? Now listen up people because this is very important. Your mental well being might hinge on this piece of information I'm about to impart. Are you ready?

No mater what— NO MATTER WHAT!!! Never EVER volunteer to do anything!
If you are trying to fit in and have people think you are one of the good guys STOP!
Let's say you just started working at a place and they just opened a Subway across the lot and your Office Manager asks if anyone would mind going across to get the boss a sandwich, do not (NO!) DO NOT take pity on the old decrepit crones and say "Oh, I'll go.".

If you do, you will forever be known as the dog who goes and fetches. And the times you say no? Woo boy! It'll be like you just told them you filled their gas tank with sugar.

If, for example, your job description does not say you have to relieve the receptionist but you think "Meh, I should volunteer so that everybody is equally watching the front desk. What can it hurt?"

For the love of peaches!! STOP!!

What will happen is that they will EXPECT you to KNOW everything there is about that desk. They will EXPECT you to ALWAYS be the one to be her back up even on Fridays.
You remember Fridays, right? The days you are already stressed to your eyelashes because you have to meet with a demanding boss who will give you a list of accounts that'll have you scurrying and then just want to talk about how nutritious Cheerios are. Really? Lower your cholesterol you say? May reduce the chances of a heart attack or heart disease.

Well, sign me up for a fuckin boatload there sparky because MY heart is doing all kinds of funny things right now! Oh what pretty dots I see.


Uh, but I'm not bitter.

*Bats is what I call all some of my coworkers.

My 36th birthday is rapidly approaching. It hopped on a jet and will be landing on my head faster than I can say "What The Fu-"!
Last year, I started bitching about it in August. You've been lucky so far.


  1. what? you're still not letting that poor woman take a Pee break when SHE wants it?

    you are sooo right about volunteering. also don't be good at anything or you'll do it forever plus stuff the others can't do
    sound familiar?

    I cleaned my own toe jam out once and now Drew always expects it.

  2. Heh, you're a gopher now.

    I learned long ago to just stick to my job. I can brush off a, "wow, I wish I could find someone to do this on Friday for me," with ease. I know what that means. Go fish in another pond. No bites here. A quick, "Sorry man, I got a thing," and I'm a happy camper that Friday.

  3. Stop worrying about your birthdays. Things will get better as you mature like a piece of stilton. And as you approach the big six-three life will get easier:

    First, you will get happier: you will forget why you dislike your job.

    Second, you will turn into a bat.

    Third, you will become incontinent, which will give you an excuse to hide in the toilets on Fridays.

    Once you're a bat, you won't be expected to do any strenuous activities, and a younger person will be brought in to carry sandwiches, blog about the senile idiots she works with, etc.

  4. Life begins at 36, Bee!

    It begins to go downhill. Very slowly at first.

    But then it picks up speed. By the time you're 40, you're rattling along and by he time your 50 everything's a blur.

    Hope you have a happy Birthday!

    ha ha (Hilarious post once again, you are brilliant girl)

  5. Hey Bee?

    I've got this.. Appointment I need to make..

    Do you think you could fill in for me for a while so I can get to this appointment?

    Great! See you tomorrow!

    Oh, and by the way..

    36 Rocks!

    I know, because I've been there!

    Time for you to do some catching up Girlfriend!

  6. It's posts like this that make me happy I have some measly, low paying retail gig because seriously, as soon as my three hours (or however many they see fit to give me) are over, I am out of there. No bats. No volunteering. Just picking up after people who think I'm there to be their mom or whatever.

    I'm almost older than you! Well, I AM older than you, but I'm almost really older than you!

  7. You know 36 was the medieval 120...

  8. Sounds like good advice. Good thing Im usually the one to find people to go fetch me something to eat or drink. MWHAHAHA! *thats an evil laugh* And Ghandi also did hunger strikes. He wouldnt eat for long periods of time to protest something he opposed. He was real thing, maybe more of our fat population should take a page outta Ghandi's book and become pacifist so they can lose some weight. Yeah, Im a dick, haha.

    buzz buzz

  9. I saw a movie called Gahndi, was he real ????????

  10. Eleventh!

    Ghandi was assassinated, so I don't think he'd make a good body guard.

  11. I wouldn't bother asking Ghandi's bodyguards either.

  12. Dan:

    There have been at least three Indian leaders called Ghandi - Mahatma in the 1940s (the one Bee's thinking of), Indira in the 1980s (I think) and Rajivin the 1990s. They were all assassinated.

  13. if that doesn't make all Ghandi's change their last names I don't know what would.

  14. "I now get nice, even tempered requests to go fuck myself as opposed to those rage filled tirades"

    LMFAO--you made me suck spit down my throat.

    And you did have me fooled. I was enjoying the beautiful evening and the cool breeze with ya and then reality set in -- what the hell was I thinking? :)

    You are definitely right about the volunteering. Never, ever, ever!

  15. hey bee? ahh you know that when i was working there i was the one doing that stuff right? picking up peoples food asking if you wanted a refill on coffee. you need to find a ME replacement! Ѿ

  16. you need an 'Above the Influence' t-shirt-now you wear that and no one will ask anything of you-

    lilest bean drew your name as one of the 3 Pay it forward winners I need your mailing addy so i can send you some PIF goodies

  17. Oh and i will be 38 on dec 18 so suck it ;-)

  18. Wow. Bill never says that much at MY blog. huh...

    1) Never start something you might want to stop some day.

    2) If they know you can do it, they'll EXPECT you to do it.

    3) Never start a sentence if you don't intend to fi

  19. When I read stuff like this, I'm so glad I'm self-employed. Yeah, the pay isn't steady, but I don't have to put up with that horse shit.

  20. Good advice. I would also try and feign / reveal a little craziness. Next time they ask you to do something I'd go about hissing and cursing under your breath, then sinisterly ring a date on the calendar and mark it something like "retribution Thursday" or "due date."

    But I used to be a teacher, so that's slightly different.

  21. I volunteered to fix our plant manager's presentation... my boss dropped the ball. Ended up staying late. Now I have to go in and finish MY work... ugh.

    I just had a birthday.. not too bad. No one will question you sitting there with a tiara on.

  22. Oh my poor dear Bee,
    If I had known you when you started this job, I could have told you all of the things you just talked about.
    Right after I got out of nursing school, I went to work at this little hospital where all of the nurses were about 100 years older than me. I wanted to be nice, I wanted them to like me, I wanted to fit in. So, I did the lunch runs, I covered the other hags patients so that they could go take their half hour lunch break that always ended up being an hour and a half long.
    And after a while, do you know what happend? I got sick of their shit. This wasn't me. I was the girl who didn't take shit from anybody, didn't kiss anyones ass, I kicked ass and asked questions later. And now I'm the gofer?
    So, one day I quit doing all of those "nice" things and they were all shocked and hated me. I quit my job soon after and went to work in a hospital where I got paid twice as much, didn't speak to anyone if I didn't have to, and if I went on a lunch run it was for my lunch only.
    See, you're having that same ephany now that I had way back then. This isn't who you are. You are Bee, hear you roar!!!!
    Stop being so nice to the bats and find a new job and don't speak to anyone.
    Honestly, a few years ago, I ran into a nurse that I used to work with in the hospital and she said "I know that I used to work with you but I don't think you ever told me your name".
    That's how you want it, Bee.
    Trust me!

  23. P.S. I just realised that I spelled gopher wrong. But come on, give me a break, how many times a day does one have to know how to spell the word "gopher"??
    I blame all of my kids for stealing all of my smart brain cells and leaving me with only the duds.

  24. Hi Bee! I've been following your blog for some time now and I decided to start my own. I was wondering if you had any tips on how to build traffic or a readership.

    I want mine to be about great reads and things I find amusing. Yours always makes me laugh! Especially when you're ranting. ;)

    I'd like my first post to be about you, if you don't mind, since I'm starting my site because of you.



  25. As long as you remain older than me, I'll be eternally happy. :)

  26. Ghandi handled problems by starving himself. Are you willing to take that step and drop the chalupa, Bee?

    Didn't think so.

  27. Oh I forgot to address the birthday situation!
    Do you realise how close to 40 you are??? How in the world are you not freaking out like I did?
    When is you actual birthday, you know in case somebody (i.e. me) wanted to send you a little something. Email it to me if you don't want the world to know. I won't tell Bee. I promise!

  28. Dear 11, 5 here.

    I learned not to volunteer in the 4th grade when we had to make a mural and everyone had a portion of the portion to complete. I slowly realized that no one had any artistic skills but me so I did it all and we kept it a secret and they all got the credit for it.

  29. All volunteering does is lead other people to expect that you'll do more volunteering.

    Deny knowing how any appliance or machinery works, ie: I've never made coffee in my life or That gas grill looks too dangerous for me to learn how to operate, honey.

  30. I read "BIG THREE SIX" and I had no idea what that meant.
    Then I did.

    That said, I am not going to be of any help on this post.

  31. I like the ceiling bats.
    They watched you they KNOW.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.