Monday, October 20, 2008

The Yearly Haunting of Cor-Rut Manor.

Here stood a house. A house of light and laughter (and some screams but they were good screams) with joy and merriment, birds dancing jigs and apples on a stick covered with caramel for all (the apples were covered with caramel, not the sticks) (well, the sticks did have a little caramel but that was more of an accidental over spill) (and peanuts) (I said PEANUTS!)

This went on from mid January to the beginnings of September. This was known as the Dazzling Period. However, as is custom with all legends and fairy tales, the Dazzling Period had to share its existence on this world with a far more sinister time.

This, was known as, The Dark Period, there was no laughter to be heard in the halls during this time. No shiny happy people holding hands.

♫♪☼Shiny Happy people hoooolding haaands! ♫♪☼


According to those who survived to tell the tale, The Dark Period was a demonic possession of a mild mannered electrician. A demonic possession that brought forth upon North America a wrathful being who haunted and grunted and scorned and burped.

It raged, it flounced, it stomped, it S W O R E . The vilest of words that echoed throughout the mighty halls of Cor-Rut Manor. Their vulgarity enough to scorch the paint in large chunks off the walls. Giving them an eerie look, almost as if they were crying from the sheer torture of having to endure the distorted insults to an unknowing enemy.

The murderous inflection put upon the words "WHAT?? YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKIN' KIDDING ME!!" made the windows rattle with a might only to be mirrored by the gale force winds of a powerful hurricane.

Even the fearless woman who inhabited the manor would find her knees trembling (and not the good kind of trembling), looking for the safest place to hide. One that would protect her ears from the outraged shrieks and vengeful threats declaring a physical assault on people by 'stuffing their heads up their asses'.

It made dogs behave in an unusual manner. Almost as if they could see the dreaded being himself. They stood and barked until their voices were hoarse and all they could do was whine. Their rabid behavior only angering the entity even more until it was a battle of wits to see who would back down with their tail between their legs and then slink off into a corner to whimper.

Even though these manifestations would only happen once a week, the aftershocks resulted in many a seismic outburst of daily protestations declaring a certain profession 'a bunch of pricks' and 'sell outs'.

The hauntings varied from year to year in their duration. It was rare they went into the month of January since the source of this creature's wrath tended to….. well, SUCK.

The good woman of the house would often be heard moaning (and not the good kind of moaning), asking the powers that be to end her torture by transforming this creature back into the mild mannered quiet man he once was. Sadly, her wishes were never granted.

Legend has it, that the woman had sucked the last bit of sanity from her Mojito and with superhuman strength, picked up this vicious creature, put him over her knee and proceeded to give him the butt whooping he deserved.

His outraged howls could be heard throughout the land! Even in the remote caves of The Texan Lands.

After he had calmed down, gathered his bearings and transformed himself back to the mild mannered electrician, he apologized for his behavior asking the beautiful woman to please spank him again... but this time while pulling his hair. That, my friends, is a story for another day.

Note from the editor:
There is usually an underlying reason for such demonic possessions. In this case, the message here is clear:

Death to football!!


Humor-Blogs

26 comments:

  1. fiiiiirst! dude does andy know you hate football so much? he might want a divorce.

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  2. Does it have to be death? Couldn't you just have a little maiming or something?

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  3. Does the demonic possession also turn him strange colors? Like navy blue and orange? ;)

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  4. Is there some self-help group we can join, Bee? Here I am in New England with the double-whammy: The Red Sox lost and the Patriots are Brady-less. I got a call at 7 a.m. today to tell me the Patriots won last night. See? Mr. Man is 150+ miles away yet I am still subjected to the Evil Football Madness. At least they won and I didn't have to recite the "There's always next time" speech.

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  5. Good to see you making with the holiday frivolity. Rickey recommends checking out the RwR Pumpkin Carving Contest that Rickey is running this year. (Also known as the "2008 RwR Jack-Off Invitational").

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  6. Hmm! I think some rage proof bubble for football fans to inhabit when their teams play badly.

    Luckily I'm too lazy to follow sports, so the same problem doesn't afflict me.

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  7. I don't really do the sports thing. Better you than me ;)

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  8. Yeah I heard that but thought it was the coyotes


    luckily Drew only watches Da Bears and they aren't shown down here much

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  9. Bah.

    Football is only a way for the young men trapped in old men's bodies to be able to release their pent-up aggression and frustration.

    If it weren't for football, those same guys would be out playing in traffic on the Interstate!

    At least this way, you tend to know where they're hiding during this time of the year!

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  10. It had all the good points needed in a story - spanking, screaming. Not bad for an average Tuesday at my house.

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  11. Don't panic. We have at least a week of baseball left.

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  12. Killer ending once again Bee. Laughed out loud!

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  13. That is the scariest story I have ever read! I like how at the end the heroine shows the evil being whose boss!
    Funny as always. :)

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  14. Bee,
    You know I love you and all right?
    That being said, you have got to stop peeking in my windows on football Sundays to see that goings on here at Rambling Acres.
    Honestly, you just described a typical Sunday and occasional Monday night here at my house.
    How did you know???

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  15. Well ya just gotta support the team, don't ya?

    Its their fault too!! If they would just win every game by a landslide everything would be supercool.

    But where is the fun in that?

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  16. muhahahahaha sistah I feel your pain

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  17. Ah, ha ha. Well done.

    I am one of the rare lucky women of the Texas Caves. Hubby watches no sports at all! He's too busy building tree-houses and remodeling our house and such, which has dragged on for about 15 years now.

    But it's better than football!!

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  18. LOL!
    I don't mind football myself, it's basketball season that scares the shit out of me.

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  19. A Female will never understand the love has for football.
    When the Bears win the rest of my week is great.
    When they lose my week seems to kind of suck.

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  20. Chelle said go ahead and stumble the Halloween posts, so I did - this one sure deserved it!

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  21. BD:
    What?? Do I have to like everything he likes?

    VE:
    DEATH to football!

    Chat:
    Totally turns navy blue!

    Deb:
    Yeah, at least Da Bears won too.

    Rickey:
    Jack off lanterns? My kind of pumpkins!

    Chris:
    You will make a wonderful husband!

    Heinous:
    You must be a wonderful husband!

    jean knee:
    Da bad news Bears?

    Jormengrund:
    That is a lot of aggression!

    Sornie:
    I'm glad I'm not alone!

    AHAC:
    Pffft! Did you hear that the AMA has changed the choking sign (a man holding his throat) to one of the Cubs logo?

    Bill:
    Thanks!

    Abstract:
    Hell yeah! I'm boss! Uh, did Andy hear me?

    Tracy:
    You and me can hide in the barn

    Andy:
    Support the team?? And I quote: "Why aren't you running you fucker!! Are your legs broken??"
    Yeah, some support.

    Georgie:
    Yeah. :o( Luckily it's a bi-week which I thought meant something else but it just means they're off.

    Jannie:
    We are going to do some remodeling and I hope it doesn't take that long! I'll threaten to take away his football watching!

    Kirsten:
    He's not that bad with basketball. After Jordan retired, we have settled for being last.

    NGIP:
    Yup!

    Dan:
    Meh. Nor do we want too.

    Bill:
    Thanks!

    John J. SAA:
    Muerte!

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  22. What is this football you speak of?

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  23. The only "sport" my husband watches religiously is synchronized swimming.

    Boy I'm sure glad he's not into football.

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  24. Hehehe I had my hubs exorcised of this particular demon a long time ago! No, that isn't good. Cause another one snatched him up right away. And it stays much, much, much longer. NASCAR!!!

    I was subsequently possessed by this same demon. If you can't beat'em, join'em! :)

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.