Thursday, October 23, 2008

Just when you thought it was safe to eat bagels…

Hmmm... somebody put this banner on my wall at work. It's probably just a coincidence??


We had our regular Thursday staff meeting this morning where Milton announced she had brought bagels (it was her week to bring treats and she always brings bagels), but she wanted us to do her a favor.

If you are at all familiar with my Milton, you will know 2 things:

She is a female.

She is weird.

This was her favor.

"When you guys use the cream cheese, can you remove the top layer bit by bit and not use chunks from the middle or edges?"

… What?

"I know it's an odd request but I like to keep the cream cheese as esthetically pleasing to the eye as possible and not have craters along the container."

… That's funny, I like for it to be pleasing to my tummy.

"I know you guys are going to be making fun of me behind my back for this request but I don't care as long as you do as I ask"

… No, I will mock you to your front too:

"Don't worry Milton, I'll go and level it out after each person uses it!"

Sadly, people are heartless and did horrible things to the poor cream cheese! It was too late to use my trusty level. :o(

Bastards.


Humor-Blogs

34 comments:

  1. Woo hoooo.

    Things esthetically pleasing to the eye taste better.

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  2. :') I love Milton stories :'}

    Save the level for fruit salad or pasta salad.
    Make pretty!

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  3. O

    M


    G

    My jaw would have dropped at that request, which, I guess, would have been perfect because damn if I don't love me some bagels with wonky cream cheese on it!

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  4. I enjoy the office freaks they make me feel normal

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  5. ZOMG! I would have stabbed her with a plastic knife!

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  6. Some of us have to live with our curses like these and it is not an easy struggle.

    Plase don't laugh but if my tomatotes are not perfectly symmetrical, my steaks not blessed by an Orthodox Greek priest and my toast touches anything yellow, tan or vermillion my first born could develop a hunchback.

    So please a little compassion...

    Milton. I have a Milton, my cousin's hubby. But he's normal.

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  7. Hmm, I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, Milton could help me out with a few of the organizational issues around this place. =)

    But seriously? Now I'm just wanting a bagel with some SPOONED on cream cheese. Maybe I can even find a blank CD for application purposes. Would that make me less or more strange than Milton? I want to know if these meds are doing the trick. Heh. ;)

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  8. You know what this means now don't you Bee?

    This means you're going to have to lick that bowl clean in order to make it aesthetically pleasing to look at!

    Either that, or order a HUGE pizza, so that nobody even bothers looking in the direction of the cream cheese!

    Have a great weekend!

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  9. LOL! That is just a riot. I do the same with that con queso chip dip. I don't know why, I just like to keep it flat. Maybe my name should be Milton too. :)

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  10. you know, some people are just so heartless

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  11. That's as bad as making a pretty cake and then telling people not to eat it because you want to be pleasing to the eyes.

    Weird.

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  12. Excuse me, but having even cream cheese is the secret of a happy life. The Dalai Lama has commented on this (not on my blog, it was on hornydwarves.com) & I'm sure he's right.

    Shame on you Bee for that wanton vandalism of a work of delicious art.

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  13. I am OCD free in comparison. As long as no one pees in it, I can still eat it.

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  14. I would have brought in a 5 foot level and whipped it out when she said that! Then...a large mallet for actually leveling it out.

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  15. Okay, I officially hate Milton. I would have spread a thin layer on her face. Well, I'm not nearly that cool. I would have just taken huge craters (one in the middle) out of the container.

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  16. You should definitely go for jormengrund's licking idea, but tell her you're surprised that she's found craters, because you've always licked the cheese after use to make it nice and smooth, as recommended by gourmets (saliva contains microbes that help break down any hard residue left on the top, as well as enhancing the flavour).

    Then she might do what she should have done from the start and got her own specially labelled cheese...

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  17. The best thing to do with the cream cheese now is to fill the tub back up with cottage cheese and tamp it down nice and flat.

    Take it to Milton and complain that keeping the cream cheese level made it go bad and demand that she go buy a fresh tub.

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  18. Although I totally think that Milton is a crazy ass woman, do you think that maybe she's got a touch of OCD to go along with it? I mean seriously, she was worried about keeping the cream cheese pleasing to the eye? She would not like what we do to cream cheese in our house!

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  19. But now that I just read NCS' second comment, I think she may be on to something here.
    Think about it. If you looked at a tub of cream cheese that was all smooth and pretty, you'd want to smear some all over your hand and then lick it all off right?
    But then if you look at the tub of cream cheese in your picture, it doesn't remind you of yummy goodness, it reminds you of a high school science project.
    Hmmmm....I may need to put a little more thought into this.

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  20. No fair -- you get such crazy nut jobs to work with -- you're so lucky!

    hehehe...
    I must admit, normally I'm not a gouger, but I would have had to after her request. I have a hard time "not" doing something I've been told "not" to do.

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  21. I'm not a gouger by trade, but could do some damage with a fork in the cream cheese and a little help from the microwave.

    I "kinda" feel the same about the HUGE vats of margarine that I buy. HATE seeing toast crumbs in it!

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  22. Hmm...Sounds like she's a bit of a whack job. But at least she knows you're all making fun of her.

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  23. That Milton story pretty much seals the deal on the question of whether you actually work at an asylum or not.

    How did you keep from laughing?

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  24. She likes things to be pleasing to the eye so she's worried about the cream cheese? I wonder what her vagina looks like then. Does she keep it trimmed and level?

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  25. oh no! how could the people do this to the cream cheese! how ghastly!

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  26. I know a great SHRINK! she makes work-calls and even brings the straight-jacket!

    Hey let me know if you recieved your PIF package

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  27. I wouldn't of had any at all.

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  28. Bee! Bee!
    Where For Art Thou Bee!!??!!??

    I'm going through withdrawal here!

    You don't post, you don't visit to comment, you don't write, you don't call!

    Come back BEE!!!

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  29. LOL!!! That cream cheese deserved it!!

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  30. what a weirdo.

    ...oh, wait...I can't judge. I won't eat blue things...or food that touches if it doesn't "go together" in my mind. And I sort my candies according to color &...well, the list goes on & on.
    I'm too quirky to judge.

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  31. Pollyanna DeathstarOctober 26, 2008 at 8:17 PM

    Oh Bee. I couldn't help but notice at times your attitude is not as up as it should be. I'm sorry you have bad days :(I am sending you this super sugary unicorn endorsed hug to take out when you are feeling blue!!!! :) :) :)

    (((((BEE))))))

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  32. No one can take the mundane and make it so funny Bee! So this is Sunday night, and you wrote on Thursday. Hope you're having a great long weekend shoe shopping!

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.