Thursday, July 19, 2007

Flies and their Mothers

Sooooo. I’ve decided I have too many mirrors in my bathroom…(in my opinion one is one too many cuz I really don’t enjoy the sight of myself but anyway…) let me tell you why.

It’s like 11:20 PM husband Andy had already pestered me about bed time but I had to finish my recorded "So You Think You Can Dance" episode that brother Dan got me hooked on. Now as I’m going around the house checking if doors are locked shutting off lights, you know usual routine, I see a fly that has snuck into the house.
My theory on how it got in: Riding on Mocha’s back, hanging on to her collar cuz as you may or may not know she is somewhat of an airhead (yes, little one, you are). I screen the bugs that come into my house very carefully and only allow SOME spiders, usually the Daddy Long Leg variety, so they can get rid of pesky sneaky flies and those stupid little bugs that sometimes attach themselves to your plants.
I just noticed I typed in Daddy Long Leg singular, I would like to correct that to LEGS plural cuz if I ever see a Daddy Long Legs with only ONE long leg he/she won’t make the cut, I mean, how is he/she gonna compete with all the other spiders he/she’d starve to death and I won’t have that on my hands! Hey this is supposed to be about flies not spiders!
Ummm… where the heck was I? Hold on let me read what I’ve written so far…
Okay yeah, fly in the house. Now on a normal day I would run around trying to usher it out of my house to at least my back porch but as I said, it was Eleven-ish I was tired, so instead I gave it some advice If I were you, I’d get the hell outta my house on your own cuz if I do it for you it won’t be pretty. So… you better not still be here in the morning!’ Feeling like I threatened it sufficiently, I grabbed my PAJAMAS and headed for the bathroom. I’m brushing my teeth when I notice the stinkin’ fly has followed me in there! Obviously my threats meant nothing! It (I couldn’t tell if it was man or woman so we’ll say IT), flew to my right then to my left… mocking me!
For those of you who have not been in my bathroom (you’re lucky) I’d like to paint a picture of it for you (not literally cuz it’s only an OK bathroom, no need to immortalize it). I have a mirrored medicine cabinet that’s like 100 feet tall and 50 feet wide or whatever it’s just huge. Behind me is a set of those mirrored tile things (4 of ‘em) in a diamond pattern and to my left side is another set of those mirrored tile things (4 of ‘em). The previous owner must have really liked to look at himself!
My dilemma… since I think this fly is insulting me on purpose, I decide to put on my war hat and go after it! I, of course, do not keep any bug spray in my bathroom. So the next best thing would be… yup Clorox bleach spray. I grab it and as an after thought grab our toothbrushes with my left so that I don’t accidentally poison ‘em in the fight. So I’m standing in the middle of my bathroom with bleach in my right hand and our toothbrushes in my left. And I start spraying but this wiley frickin fly just laughed at me and flew around me. I know what you’re thinking… how can a fly get the best of you? I agree so what I did next was something I thought was brilliant. I stood still and decided to use the mirrors to my advantage. I looked at my medicine cabinet and just let that be my guide. So instead of twirling around like a LUNATIC spraying randomly, I just watched it in the mirrors. The one thing I did not take into consideration was… If I’m looking at a mirror that’s facing another mirror (hope I didn’t lose you), the position of the fly will not be what I THINK it is…
AHHHH SOOOO Grasshopper! My bleach sprays were falling onto the opposite direction! All of a sudden I start coughing… no, this was not a superfly with magical poisoning chemical powers. YOU have nothing to worry about! I on the other hand was poising myself! But I can’t open the door to the bathroom because then It might make a run for it… I can’t risk it ::sigh::
As the chemicals start messing with my brain, I stand there, wondering where my life went wrong…? All I was gonna do was change into my PJ's, brush my teeth and go to sleep! What was Mocha doing? Sleeping!
From far off I heard a voice of encouragement… ‘It’s OK Bee, don’t get mad cuz you can’t adapt to seeing in multiple views. The fly has had a whole life time of seeing this way, be brave brave brave…’
I stood up, I hadn’t realized it but I was sitting on the floor looking for… well I don’t know what… anyway… I stood up and saw that it was by the top of my medicine cabinet I let off a stream of sprays and IT finally started flailing about in the air! Yes! It was only a matter of time! Sure enough it dropped to the sink where I proceeded to turn on the water and watch it spiral down the drain! I kept staring at the drain feeling like I was about to be sucked in too… Oh right… open the door so you’ll get fresh air dummy! Success! Success! woowhooo! Yeah Baby! I’m patting myself on the back doing a touchdown dance when all of a sudden I look around… Every square inch of my ever-lovin’ bathroom is soaked with bleach! So guess what I was doing at midnight? Ding ding ding give the people a cookie! I had to clean my bathroom and let me give you some advice:
Number One: Invest in a fly swatter.
Number Two: Don’t spray bleach on mirrors. It’s really hard to come off and leaves them streaky even after you use Windex.
Number Three: If you mix Windex and bleach make sure you are in a very well ventilated area cuz I think it says somewhere you’re not supposed to mix ammonia with bleach… my lungs are still burning
Number Four: Don’t threaten a fly unless you are really serious and willing to deal with the consequences cuz they’re dangerous!
Number Five: Get rid of ALL mirrors in your home, office, car (well no, maybe not your car cuz I don’t want you to back into someone and blame it on me) etc.
Number Six: Make sure the medicine cabinet is within your reach cuz if you spray it with bleach and cannot reach it to wipe it off, it will look RI-DON-CULAS with all those little specks of dried bleach spray!

and last but not least…

Number Seven: Don’t trust your pets! They’ll betray you in an instant! Loyalty of dogs my ass! That little Bitch (not a swear word this is the technical term for female dogs) was dreaming about biscuits while I was dying in the bathroom!

In my defense, I am not the only one that has had problems with insects and dealt with them in an... let’s say ODD manner.
Please see this post.

Also, I know my sister is laughing her budonkadonk off right now because she has been witness to my weaker moments...


  1. LMAO!!!!!

    I can totally picture you in your bathroom chasing after that fly!

    I would have changed in to my PJ’s and used the something to try to WACK the darn thing!! Or turned Natalia loose on it, since she doesn’t like to see them in the house.

    Thanks for that!! I needed that laugh! :)

  2. You're certainly not the only one who gets psychopathic in these situations.

    My hates are spiders and moths. I have been known to vacuum up spiders at unsociable hours, normally after throwing lots of heavy things on the floor (since that's usually where they are). All of which makes me feel bad about the flat beneath me. Especially since you can't just suck the thing up, you've got to keep the cleaner on for a few minutes to really make sure. (And then store it overnight with the hose pressed against something just in case).

    It's all really pitiful - we're so much bigger than they are...

  3. nancy:
    good to know next time I'll ask you to send me Natalia but then you'd have to drive her over at all hours of the night!

    I knew it! I knew I wasn't the only insect-a-phobe I'm sure there's a technical term for it but I don't know what it is...
    By the way, your definitions on Word Imperfect are always hil---arious!

  4. LOL!! That was great!! I hate flies, yuck! They will feel my wrath if they come inside my house.

    What a great laugh...

  5. Somegirl: thanks! the sad part is, it's a true (slightly exaggerated, since we all know a FLY is not smarter than ME...? I...?) story! Pray for me! :o)

  6. Presumably the technical term would be entomophobia, though it's not in my dictionary.


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