Did I forget to mention Andy dyed my hair the weekend of my reunion??
Let me take you back to Saturday day of the lord August 22, 2009.
I was looking at my hair in the mirror and wondering how it was possible that the maroon/red highlight I paid $150 for only lasted 3 weeks leaving behind a brassy orangey pukey color. I made the decision that I would NOT go to my reunion looking like the Hamburglar's less fortunate sister. I looked through my cabinets and found an awesome dye I had from last year.
Here was my dilemma. I have never dyed my own hair. Or anyone else's for that matter. I went to the only other person who was home, ready to plead my case.
Bee: Will you dye my hair?
Andy [without looking away from the computer (before it went Kapluey)]: Sure.
Ahh that is love for you right there! Your heart is feeling all warm and fuzzy...
Until.
Until minuets later. When you're frantically squirming because you're sure he is applying the dye incorrectly and he's patting your head with his big paws, massaging the dye so hard you're sure you're scalp looks like this:
Bee: Dude! You're taking too long in one spot! Don't swirl my hair like that because it'll get tangled! It's not lathering! My hair doesn't even feel wet!
Andy: Settle down! It's fine! Bee! It's fine!!!
He squirted another miniscule drop of dye on the same spot he'd been working for 10 minutes and then shoved my head this way and that with his ginormas panda hands all the while I was stomping my feet because I knew my new nickname would be Streaky Sheila.
Andy: Stop fidgeting you big baby!
Bee: No! No! Stop! You're going to mess up my hair! Oh lord oh lord oh lord!!
Andy [jumping up and down]: You're freaking me out!
Bee [stands up]: Just give me the bottle! Give me the bottle!! I'll finish it! Oh man! I am so screwed holy crap!
We walk to the bathroom.
Andy [frenzied]: What was I doing wrong? I followed the instructions!
Bee: This should be quick Andy! It's not your fault, I blame myself!
Both of us hopping. I'm serious.
Andy [pacing]: Don't ask me next time okay?? Just don't!
Bee: No way am I going to this reunion. No way!
And of course the love I mentioned earlier turns to culpability.
Bee: If you had only applied the color to my hair and not my scalp, I wouldn't be freaking out!
Andy: If you wouldn't leave things to the last minute we wouldn't be having these issues! What do I know about dying hair?
Bee: Get out of the bathroom!! Get out get out!!
Andy: JERK!!
As I'm hysterically applying the rest of the dye and almost passing out from the noxious fumes, I can't decide if I'm angry at Andy or not. On the one hand he was trying to help and on the other hand he was too obstinate to relinquish control once I told him to stop.
I paced for 25 minutes and then took a shower to wash the dye off. As I was brushing my hair later, I couldn't bring myself to look in a mirror. Logically I knew it couldn't be that bad because the hairdresser dyed my hair black and nothing will alter black unless you bleach it out so I guess I don't know why I was in near tears. Lucky for me, everything turned out okay. My hair didn't fall out and it looked awesome.
Stay tuned for the illustrated version on Sunday.
I don't know what you were worried about. After all, you're the only person who doesn't actually have to look at your hair.
ReplyDeleteNext time, you should put one of those voting things on your blog to determine the colour. I vote for purple with turquoise highlights.
I have, from time to time, considered asking Tool Man to color my hair when I can't take "the change" in my hair any longer, and it's long enough I need some help. However, I've watched him do home improvement projects around the house, and that's given me a healthy pause. This post has added to that feeling!
ReplyDeleteWell, good thing everything turned out OK. And, yes, that is love, when your husband is willing to dye your hair. How sweet!
ReplyDeleteOkay, in fairness to Andy, hair is not the guy hing. We have it, we get it cut, end of.
ReplyDeletedoes insanity run in your family?
ReplyDeleteI would never let a non gay man touch my hair.
ReplyDeleteyou got so lucky
I do my own hair and have been doing it for years. Lately, due to surgery overload, I got lazy. So lazy that I was just putting the dye on a large toothed comb and dragging it through my hair.
ReplyDeleteNow that's lazy.
Knowing how women are obsessed with their hair I am amazed you let Andy do the work.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you looked awesome. I pay dearly to have my hairdresser do it. It had better last more than 3 weeks!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt could have been much worse... it could have turned into a hair dye fight in the house. I can't imagine that turning out well. I gotta ask... have you talked to him in the flagrantly gay hairdresser voice yet?
ReplyDeleteYou know whats even more awsome...bleaching your own hair and leaving a silver dollar size circle of black roots in the back and not realizing it for days...and then because you did it your self, you have no one to tell to get the fuck out of the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteused to happen to me every six weeks!
Brian:
ReplyDeleteThat's mean Brian!
FADKOG:
I usually have my sister do it but she isn't at my beck and call like she used to be. Yeaaah exnay on the husbands-ay.
Angel Darling:
Or maybe it was revenge? ;o)
Chris:
I learned this the hard way.
Nooter:
Yes.
jean knee:
I agree and I will never ever do it again!
Suzy:
That sounds like a plan!
Otter:
I plead temporary insanity.
RG:
yeah, the red faded fast. :o(
L aka J:
Well, Andy would have had a lot to clean up.
AVB:
BWAHAHAHAAHAA! I would have told you. ;o)
I won't trust Peter to pick out my clothes for me, let alone dye my hair! You are one brave woman.
ReplyDelete