Did I forget to mention Andy dyed my hair the weekend of my reunion??
Let me take you back to Saturday day of the lord August 22, 2009.
I was looking at my hair in the mirror and wondering how it was possible that the maroon/red highlight I paid $150 for only lasted 3 weeks leaving behind a brassy orangey pukey color. I made the decision that I would NOT go to my reunion looking like the Hamburglar's less fortunate sister. I looked through my cabinets and found an awesome dye I had from last year.
Here was my dilemma. I have never dyed my own hair. Or anyone else's for that matter. I went to the only other person who was home, ready to plead my case.
Bee: Will you dye my hair?
Andy [without looking away from the computer (before it went Kapluey)]: Sure.
Ahh that is love for you right there! Your heart is feeling all warm and fuzzy...
Until minuets later. When you're frantically squirming because you're sure he is applying the dye incorrectly and he's patting your head with his big paws, massaging the dye so hard you're sure you're scalp looks like this:
Bee: Dude! You're taking too long in one spot! Don't swirl my hair like that because it'll get tangled! It's not lathering! My hair doesn't even feel wet!
Andy: Settle down! It's fine! Bee! It's fine!!!
He squirted another miniscule drop of dye on the same spot he'd been working for 10 minutes and then shoved my head this way and that with his ginormas panda hands all the while I was stomping my feet because I knew my new nickname would be Streaky Sheila.
Andy: Stop fidgeting you big baby!
Bee: No! No! Stop! You're going to mess up my hair! Oh lord oh lord oh lord!!
Andy [jumping up and down]: You're freaking me out!
Bee [stands up]: Just give me the bottle! Give me the bottle!! I'll finish it! Oh man! I am so screwed holy crap!
We walk to the bathroom.
Andy [frenzied]: What was I doing wrong? I followed the instructions!
Bee: This should be quick Andy! It's not your fault, I blame myself!
Both of us hopping. I'm serious.
Andy [pacing]: Don't ask me next time okay?? Just don't!
Bee: No way am I going to this reunion. No way!
And of course the love I mentioned earlier turns to culpability.
Bee: If you had only applied the color to my hair and not my scalp, I wouldn't be freaking out!
Andy: If you wouldn't leave things to the last minute we wouldn't be having these issues! What do I know about dying hair?
Bee: Get out of the bathroom!! Get out get out!!
As I'm hysterically applying the rest of the dye and almost passing out from the noxious fumes, I can't decide if I'm angry at Andy or not. On the one hand he was trying to help and on the other hand he was too obstinate to relinquish control once I told him to stop.
I paced for 25 minutes and then took a shower to wash the dye off. As I was brushing my hair later, I couldn't bring myself to look in a mirror. Logically I knew it couldn't be that bad because the hairdresser dyed my hair black and nothing will alter black unless you bleach it out so I guess I don't know why I was in near tears. Lucky for me, everything turned out okay. My hair didn't fall out and it looked awesome.
Stay tuned for the illustrated version on Sunday.