Saturday, September 5, 2009

Bee got served by a mummy!

I went to JEWEL (grocery store) with little niece Natalia today because my mom still has the shingles and supposedly can barely move therefore cannot make me my dinner! Personally, I think she's faking it. Yes, I know the pharmacist gave me the third degree when I went to go pick up her Gebnumbsyourbrainatin (spelling?). He asked me if I had ever taken that medication before and then shined a light in my eyes. After I explained my mom had shingles he raised his hands (as if to say 'stay away from me, short sweaty girl) and said "Ohhhh! That is very painful!" then he took my hundred dollars and ran back into the alley. Where was I? Oh right! Jewel.

My cooking expertise has been exhausted since I made a pot roast on Wednesday so I was trying to plan a meal by the seat of my pants. No recipe, no safety net. As I was walking around aimlessly with my 6 year old know it all, I thought "hmmm how about some sandwiches?" (because I don't eat those enough). I went to the deli and grabbed one of those number things because people are vicious at the deli. Seriously. We can find people of all walks of life and bitchiness at the deli.

All of a sudden I hear "NUMBER 55!! NUMBER 55!!" I jumped up and waved my number in the air. Me! That's me! And kinda did an 'in your face' type of dance to the man with number 56 (how about not stopping at the sample section buddy!). This cranky old lady came to stand in front of me and waited silently for me to direct the next 3 minutes of her life. Well, she was really old and slow so it would probably be more like 10 minutes.

I innocently asked for "Sarah Lee Brown Sugar Ham". How dare I? Did I not know they had STOPPED PRODUCTION of this ham over a YEAR AGO??

Ummm, while I do like to keep up to date with the cured and processed meat industry, I leave that for special occasions. Like when I'm comatose drooling onto my pillow or Tazz. Whichever is closest.

So I reasonably ask "well, is there anything similar you have in stock?"


The fuck? Did I step on her oxygen line by mistake?

Normally, if I wasn't trying to be a role model-ish type of person for my 6 year old niece, I would have jumped over the counter... okay maybe not jumped since my pole vaulting days are over, I would have climbed over that counter... no, it's kinda high. I would have walked all the way around the counter and then stuffed the old lady's face into the fucking Kraukas but I was trying to be a civilized woman so I instead asked her for a pound and a half of ham. THINLY SLICED. That woman got her workout for the year!


After I asked her for a pound of the BLT salad and turned to see where Natalia was, the old mummy started yelling "HELLOOOO HELLOOOO HELLOOO!!" and waving her arms like a schizophrenic goat ON ACID.

I went up, grabbed my GD salad and excused her behavior by saying "Well, that's old people for you. Feel the need to poison you before they die"

I was thisclose to losing my cool in front of the little niece.

I was ashamed of myself until I started telling Andy the story and he laughed and said:

"Bee got served by a mummy!"

So now all I can think about is revenge and how I want to go back and give her a tour of the bottom of my left foot. All close and personal-like.

The ham was good though.


  1. I don't worry about my inability to cook anything. World Wars have been won by armies who survived for years on tins of spam and baked beans. Those products are also available at supermarkets, so you don't even have to battle mummies.

  2. I haven't experienced anything like that yet, I must admit and I must say I don't know how I would react. I'd probably put her on "ignore".
    We have a neighbour, though, who can be a pain in the neck for no reason. I told my kids when they were still little not to put quarrel with her, but not to pay much attention to her words, either. It works.
    But then, her nagging never comes as a surprise - it's very predictale.

  3. I'm impressed that you didn't dump the salad on her head.

  4. This is when salami comes in handy. Not for eating. For hitting upside the head.

  5. ha ha, 'curse the mummy' ha ha

    did she have toilet paper wrapped around her and stuck to her shoe?

    oh and tell us again how good the sandwiches were.
    mmm.... sandwiches....

  6. My fav is when I am at the Jewel and a mummy is bagging my groceries. And then, because they have to, she asks if she can help me out with my groceries. Once I was really tempted to have her haul the 40 pound bag of Purina to my car in a snow storm but I like my Jewel and was afraid if I killed an employee they ban me and I'd be forced to shop at the Food 4 Less in Bolingbrook.

  7. good going keeping your cool with the elderly

    They made the ass manager stay home so I wouldn't kill her at the party


  8. LMAO...oh my and this is exactly why i dont do deli counters...there must be some secret group out there and they all work at deli counters

  9. My guess is the deli manager was holding her depends hostage until she sold 23 pounds of ham. I'd have ordered 1 slice of everything in the case. Individually wrapped, of course.

  10. It was good of you to remain calm while picturing yourself rolling ham and cheese to shove up her....


  11. There was a book out about 2 years ago on how Americans have become rude over time. I can't remember the name of it because that would be too helpful but basically, everyone's rude. The End.

    A story by Suzy Soro.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.