Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Just dusting off the cobwebs and forcefully moving the squatter who was sitting on my blog.

So that was weird. I think this is the longest I’ve been away from the old blog… kind of pathetic really since that might mean I don’t have a life. And if I don’t have a life, what the hell am I always going on about? I have no idea either.

Thanks for the well wishes (and offers to assist me in my pursuit of vengeance). My brother is better and has regained his usual smart-ass-ness. He still doesn’t remember anything which I guess might be a blessing.

Saturday he was debating if he should walk the block to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins to get an ice cream cone. I told him to give me a minute while I suited up in my protective armor and went with him as his bodyguard. He laughed because he has the same twisted sense of humor I do. But I was serious.

While waiting for some dryers to open up at the Laundromat Monday night, Andy asked me if I was going to do a post. I told him I couldn’t find humor in anything at the moment. He thought for a second and then said:

“Maybe you’re blocked” (ewww)

Uh no. I could sit down right now and type up 20 stories but they would all be scornful, hateful observations and I don’t feel like going down that road.

Take for example the Polish guy at the Laundromat who decided to take up every fucking dryer and only put 4 items of clothing in each one while Andy and I had to wait with our clothes in a cart. Instead of me coming up with an amusing name for him, all I could come up with was ball-sack sucking sheep fucker. In my head, the scenario I had for his retribution was me gutting him and then putting his organs in one of his dryers.

Since I’d rather not put such negative thoughts into the pureness of the webisphere, I was refraining from posting.


This morning I saw a guy come out of his car wearing a business suit and an Indiana Jones hat. How could you not find the humor in a dude trying to bring back the Indy hat? indyhat

So I decided to put pen to paper, so to speak, and try to find the funny in the weekend happenings. I must warn you, I'm a little rusty.

I started my gardening on Saturday. Why didn’t anybody tell me about hoes? I bought one and am now in love! That thing is the shiznit! I loosened up the soil in minutes instead of hours (it used to take me hours because I used a HAND trowel)(for those of you non-gardeners, that’s a step up from a spoon).

While doing my gardening, I was listening to my neighbor Wilson’s grandkids. There is one in particular who seems a tad on the odd side. While the other little boys are jumping from their tree house and burning insects, this one was singing such classics as “Here comes the bride” and “That’s the way, uhhuh uhhuh, I like it” which, what the hell kind of combination is that? Nobody picks on him though because that little dude looks like he’ll eat you whole and then poop out your shoes without breaking a sweat.

The hoeing around calmed my nerves down even though my body was baptized for the season by its first bug bite. Did it have to be on my butt? Bastards.

When I told Milton about the bite she said it might me chiggers and I was like ‘Uh can you de-countrify that for me?’ She patiently explained that there are these teeny tiny little bugs that are in grass and like to bite people. So there you have it ladies and gents, I’m infested with chiggers and they are feeding off my flesh and blood to make bigger fatter mutant bugs. Coming to a town near you.

On Sunday we had to pick up the work truck Andy will be using while his car is getting liposuction. Weekend driving and I do not get along which is why I married Andy. I was all complainy the whole way there and my bitching got worse once we noticed the road we needed to take was closed off so we had to take a detour.

That was fine while Andy was still driving but I know only 4 streets out here in the burbs so I would have to follow him closely on the way back otherwise I'd end up in Wisconsin. No offense to Wisconsin.

The drive back home was eventful. I'd forgotten my cellphone (eeek!) so Andy and I could not communicate. I noticed he was sticking his arm out of the window and making the "L" shape with his finger and thumb. I thought, make a left? He waved frantically 'no' was he calling me a loser? I'd totally ram the back of the van RIGHT NOW! Impatient with my lack of understanding, he pulled over, I pulled over, he jumps out of the car, I roll down my window he yells, "Turn your lights on! Cheesus!" You do a guy a favor...

We also found out why the road was closed and littered with cops. There were Na≠i (I don’t need more hate mongers on my blog so the “z” will be “≠”) demonstrators picketing the new opening of a Holocaust Museum with their Na≠i flags and propaganda. I later yelled at Andy for making me drive through those fashion victims (come on guys, black fatigues, black jackets, black combat boots and no hair? How about some kicky pink head scarves? Add some color!) because they would have let him go with no problems once he flashed his blue eyes. I, on the other hand, would have been taken to use as a sacrifice to their backwards-god and hello? With all the extra fat I’m carrying, I’d burn easy.

I was going to post a picture as proof because Andy took a picture for me but he's not answering my calls. I could go over to the dungeon and ask him for it but that would involve me moving something other than my fingers. Meh. I decided to make my own.


I managed to drive by undetected.

Well, that's about all I guess.


  1. Na#i protests? Wow, usually all I see out in the 'burbs are old people holding prayer vigils outside of "medical facilities" that cater to "women who don't know that a lack of condom gives you a baby."

    And did the Indy hat ever truly go out of style? I think I had a college professor who would beg to differ...

  2. Hahahah! "...gutting him and then putting his organs in one of his dryers." (Kidneys make a terrible fabric softener and they turn your clothes pink.)

  3. Chiggers are (redbugs) that never go away until (they will itch until you scratch your skin raw), you suffocate them with nail polish (serious). They are very common in the South..not to mention ANNOYING!

    Glad to see your wit back!

  4. The only time I've come across the term "chiggers" was in an old text based adventure game in the 80s. The solution in the game was to cover yourself in mud. You might want to try it...

  5. Growing up down south I am all too familiar with chiggers. The only cure is to wear an Indy hat to a skinhead gathering. Sorry, Bee.

    And welcome back!

  6. I loved the gutting fantasy.

    Andy showed you an "L". That's funny!

    Welcome back!

  7. How about fascists in Indy hats? Now, that would be an idea!

    Sounds like you're getting back to the old Bee style we all know and love. Good stuff!

  8. wow, I linked on the link about chiggers. I thought they burrowed in and died too. well, I'll be

  9. I like Brian o vretanos's solution, but for good measure you need to also wrestle with another girl, both of you in bikinis.

  10. I'm glad you're brother is well, and that you're around.

    We see flying clusters of chiggars in the early evening. I think they get dusted up by the squinees when they scurry through.

  11. I hate chiggers. Bastards.

    That last picture made my day (my EARTH DAY).

  12. good post, lots of material to pick & choose from:
    first, grumpy times always lead to happy times eventually so dont sweat it.
    next, no way you could go to a laundromat and not come away with a few stories. in fact you could start a new humor blog- call it laundromat loonies.
    also those hats are great, like a delicacy compared to all the ball caps and knit hats ive munched on.
    next, youre not supposed to fall in love with the hoe, just rent it for the night. what are you gonna do next, take it to dinner and a movie?
    and those little bitey things, ive got an old collar you can use to get rid of them. no charge, no problem.
    and lastly, oh i hate illinois natsys too!

  13. i'm not much of a gardener but every chance my mother gets she has me till or rake, dig or plant and i can tell you the best thing since sliced bread is the NRG pro tool set my mom has.

    HANDS DOWN, fantastical shit! I don't wanna sound like that creepy fucker that sells Sham-wow, or the other equally creepy Oxy-clean guy... but these rock, put your spoon, fork, and cake pan back in the kitchen!

  14. That neighbor kid sounds seriously dimented. Run the other way.

    Chiggers will drive you insane. I hope you don't really have any.

  15. Okay, I nearly had to stop reading I was laughing so hard at the Polish ball sucker line. Thanks.

  16. I have a Trilby, that's also the proper name for the Indiana Jones Hat. People who see me in it say I look real sharp, some even venture that I'm downright sexy in it. Providing of course that I'm wearing the right clothes at the time ;) Mines black though, not brown like Indi's and people sooner call it the Freddy hat (for Freddy Krueger of Nightmare on Elm Street) if they want to tease me for wearing it. But I've had people offer me $100 if I'd let them have it. Not a chance, it's mine, mine I tell you Muahahahahahaha

    *caugh caugh sputter gag gasp* Sorry, that evil laughter always gets me!

    Anyway, I'm glad to hear your brother seems to be doing alright.

  17. Ooo!
    I clicked on that link Bee and screamed! Then I read that the image had been magnified by like 1500 percent or something and that made me scream even louder!
    If it were bigger, I could see it and smoosh it, but now that I know that it's, like um you know, 1500 percent smaller than that and I haven't been to the eye doctor in years which means that I wouldn't be able to see it and smoosh it!
    This is why I have decided to never go outside again.

  18. On a different note, I did once get poison ivy near my, um, front door. And that site was right, there are some places you just don't want people to see you scratching!


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