Thursday, April 2, 2009

Brian reviews Kelly Clarkson's "My life Would Suck Without You"

So... it's music review day with the brilliant Brian from Brian o Vretanos. Why am I being so nice to him you ask. Well, we seem to agree on the sucketude of Kelly Clarkson's new song. Although I do enjoy some of her other music, this song makes me want to go look her up and ask her why she agreed to sing this song and then smack her upside the head (do people still say that? I guess they do.)

She is destroying everything Gloria Gaynor did for womankind when she told her loser guy to "walk out the door, don't turn around now cuz you're not welcome anymore". Instead Kelly Clarkson says it's okay to take back a guy who tells her he wanted anyone but her and then "Being with you Is so dysfunctional I really shouldn't miss you But I can’t let you go"

Screw you Kelly Clarkson. Screw. You. kellc The new batch of women do not need to hear doormat songs.

I wouldn't care so much but I listen to the radio about 14 hours a day (I lay awake tossing and turning listening to the radio) and probably more now that we have the radio on instead of the TV when we're having dinner. I got tired of watching big breasted latina women talking about celebrities I've never heard of. I know it really disturbed Andy too so out of respect, no more TV. They play this song every hour on the hour.

Anyway, here's Brian's review:

This week we turn our attention to Kelly Clarkson and her delightfully named song "My Life Would Suck Without You". I think this is supposed to be romantic or something. Kelly was apparently the winner of one of those endless "talent" shows that are best watched with the sound turned off. Unless you're deaf. Personally I prefer to have the television turned off when these things are on, though some people seem to feel they have an addictive quality and watch them with the same morbid fascination that makes crowds hang around fatal traffic accidents.

I can never understand why people think that the life of a famous pop star is likely to be good. Months on the road doing one gig after another (if you're lucky enough to be in work), having to do what your record company and publicist and manager tell you, paparazzi just waiting for you to pick your nose, lots of money, groupies throwing themselves at you. Well, all right, maybe it's not all bad, but I still prefer anonymity. Not that I couldn't have become rich and famous if I'd wanted to, of course...

Anyway, Kelly was one of the lucky individuals who are picked either because they can actually sing, or they're neurotic, or have some other newsworthy quality that will generate headlines in the tabloids. Kelly seems to be able to sing, although the songs they give her don't really do her any favours. I'm really not sure what this particular genre is called but it goes something like this:

You start off with a fairly subdued repetitive bit, possibly meandering around tonally, but generally fairly formless, and with no real sense that it's going anywhere. Sometimes Kelly adds some "feeling" in the form of heavy breathing. Then just before all this drives you totally bonkers we come to the loud section. This seems to often be in a surprising key, though that may just be my impression because (a) the quiet part is so formless, and (b) the loud part is brash with a lot of emphasis on drums and you can't make out the chords that well. This could (as always) be because I'm listening to crappy youtube videos. The vocals in the loud section are, well, loud. They then go back to the start and do this a few times, possibly with the quiet bit being just instrumental one time round.

The lyrics are poetic, rather than natural. This is not a criticism. I'm sure it's my loss, but poetry leaves me totally cold. As did the music.

"My Life Would Suck Without You" is reasonably tuneful, and if it hasn't already been used for an advert, I think it ought to be - perhaps for Coca Cola or tampons or something. It isn't a bad example of this genre, and I preferred it to several of her other songs. By which I'm afraid I mean I didn't dislike it as much.

Sorry Kelly, but my life won't suck without your music...



Well said Brian, welllllll said.

Stay tuned tomorrow for my post on Kinky Grandmas and friends who don't acknowledge my existence. ::cries::


  1. I have never heard this song.. mostly because I don't listen to pop or country or whatever genre this falls into. I will say though, thanks to this review, I know I NEVER want to hear it. Thanks for the warning!

  2. Unfortunately Emma loves this song, so we have to turn it up every time it comes on.

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  8. My life wouldn't suck without Anonymous spammers that's for sure.

    I hate to admit it, but I kinda like Kelly Clarkson's music. I know, what's wrong with me?

  9. Kelly's our local girl here in myy part of Texas. I have friends that are her friends and it was fun to watch her win that "talent" show. BUT, that is the only season I ever watched that "talent" show.

    Kelly can sing but I don't like all of her songs and although I have not heard this one, I'm pretty sure I won't like it. Hopefully, young people will not take the words seriously.

  10. I've heard this song before and, yet, never listened to the words before.

  11. that is some big spam action you got going on

  12. Heaven help me, I sort of dig this song, but now that Brian says he's it could be a suitable song for a tampon advertisement, I'm predicting a weariness for it will wash over me soon.

  13. I deleted those evil spam comments. I think that spammer was sent by Andy's guild! My first clue was when he/she only talked about World of Wackos and their precious gold. Bastards.

  14. Ah, another crap song I missed. Result!

  15. LMAO@the song being used for a tampon commercial!

  16. I can only imagine how you feel about Rhiana

  17. I think the worst part about this song is that she's taking lyrics, and writing about things she's never experienced.

    I mean, three of her biggest "hits" to date are about relationships! She's admitted that she's been in one or two relationships, but there's been nothing serious in that department.

    Yet she has the gall to write songs about being little miss independent, and not needing anyone, burning all of the letters written to her from an ex, and that even with all of the crappy treatment, she'd still take him back!

    Get a grip Kelly.

    Write your music, but make it about things you actually KNOW!

    Loved the post Bee and Brian!

  18. I'd never heard this song before so as I was reading your comments I in my thoughts were at first intrigued because even though it's a doormat song and something I don't stand for, I think music is supposed to be about the different emotions people feel - whether they're good or bad.

    Then I read Brian's review and thought the song sounded pretty sucky.

    Then I listened to it and decided it sucked even worse than I thought. It's the worst Kelly Clarkson song I've heard.


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