Friday, April 3, 2009

The following post is mature in nature. Please read it at your discretion since it may cause involuntary gasps followed by exclamations of “ewww!” and/or body seizures.

Subtitle: Personal information that makes my body cringe and want to burst my eardrums.

The post immediately below was going to be my Friday post. I had it all prepared ahead of time and thought how much I rocked because I would be able to go to bed early and maybe actually sleep tonight. I wouldn't worry about typing up a post because it would already be done, you see.


Then the Thursday morning meeting happened. How can I not talk about Glynda’s bizarre request? How can I not share the conversation between Milton and I that followed? I have a responsibility to those of you out there who don’t work in offices. After reading this you'll probably get down on your knees and thank the lord you don’t have to be a part of this insane asylum.

And now, I bring you, Two Posts Friday! Woohoo! Yay! You lucky ducks you.

First up, kinky grandmas at the movies:


Andy and I went to the movies on Sunday and saw “I love you man” with yummy Paul Rudd and that dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know the guy I’m talking about, right? Tall guy with shaggy hair who bounced his penis all over the screen in that movie? Yeah, that guy.

Anyway, their movies are usually extremely raunchy and funny so we knew we were in for some good laughs. I did pray I would not have to see full frontal again. Average Joe naked is not good naked. Sorry but it needed to be said.

Imagine mine and Andy’s surprise when we got to our regular seats and saw 2 grandma-like women sitting with a boy of about 14. By grandma-like I mean permed hair held in place by 2 cans of aerosol and tinted blue for elegance, thick glasses etc.

Andy and I nudged each other and pointed at them at the same time but since they were sitting in the row in front of us, we just grinned and imagined the uncomfortable moments they would have because of the explicit dialogue.

However! We were shocked SHOCKED to hear one of the grannies respond “I liked Coke better when they used to put cocaine in it” to the kid when he said he liked Coke.

Andy and I nudged each other again and tried our hardest not to laugh out loud. Go granny! Then she put her leg on the seat in front of her. How can one concentrate when granny is talking about cocaine and being all limber??

The best part was when the tall-shaggy-haired-penis-bouncer actor guy proclaimed to have a (Mom R. look away from this sentence) jerk off station and the kid laughed uproariously and the little granny had to lean in and tell the other granny what the guy on the screen had just said.

“He has a jerk off station. No! A JERK OFF [hand motion] STATION!”

Sweeeeeeeet! That is one cool granny.

Oh yeah. The nachos were excellent, minus Jalapeños though due to the razorblade affliction I now have because I’M OLD, and the movie was very funny. What? It was funny! Don’t come here for your movie reviews! But don’t go away either. Just stay right here, okay?

In other news, after my long lost friend found me, she also directed someone else to me who was like my sister. More on her in another post because she needs to know how much she meant to me and it can't be in the middle of kinky grannies-- and bizarre bathroom behavior.

Anyway, I was determined to reconnect with other friends who were such a big part of my life at one time or another. I found one on THE FACEBOOK who gladly accepted my friend request then I looked for one other one and thought I had found her. I sent her a friend request with a message asking “Is this so and so who used to work at Brown’s Chicken? If not, please disregard and I apologize for the intrusion.” I didn’t get an answer until weeks later but then I got the following:

Subject: wondering who you are?
Is this Bianca?

And I responded in my typical egotistical manner “The one and only!” immediately after I got the email. That was 5 days ago and I still haven’t gotten accepted as her friend or any other response. Did you hear that? That’s my ego shrinking an inch! Realistically, an inch is nothing to worry about when my ego is so big I nickname it "Australia" but what will happen next time I see an old friend walking down the street and I yell out “Hey! It’s me Bee from the nuthouse!” will they run away?

Now I’m wondering if I was that bad of a friend. Andy says I have issues maintaining friendships because it involves me calling people and then meeting them somewhere to socialize, you know, because I'd rather have virtual relationships? But I’m trying to change people! I feel like a born again friendship giver/taker who everybody thinks will fall back to her old ways of screening calls and being too lazy to write. ::sigh:: You know who loves me unconditionally? My cellphone.
And so ended the original post. But now...

The mysterious shedding at Arkham Asylum:

Morning meeting started the same as usual. Chatter about whose kid is too old to be living at home but can’t seem to get their shit together to move out, how cute our dogs are, etc. When Glynda asked if there was any other business and everybody responded no, she went on to say:

I have a request for everybody here and I’m a little embarrassed to bring it up but as the office manager, I have to.
I've gone in to use the bathroom here in the office and noticed pubic hair on the toilet seat on several occasions.


Since that bathroom is also used by the doctors and I don’t want them to bring it up to me one day because I would die, please do a bathroom check before exiting to make sure you've cleaned up after yourselves.

Office Staff:

I know how embarrassed you are right now but imagine how I feel.

Office Staff:
[still silent]

I once walked into the public bathroom outside of the office, because I don't use the one in here, and overheard two women talking about how, once menopause hits, they start shedding.

Glynda & Office Staff:
[silently look at me in horror]

What? It’s not true?

Glynda & Office Staff:
[Looking down, up anywhere but at me.]

Well, anyway. Please double check the bathroom.

What’d I say?

Glynda & Office Staff:
[silently walk away]

Oh sure but my confidential poopy problems were okay to talk about in mixed company!

Yeah, how embarrassing, right? Lucky for me, I really don’t use that bathroom because the doctors are pigs.

Back in our office, Milton and I were giggling like teenagers when she drops this bomb on me.

Speaking of odd bathroom behavior. [OH LORD!] I wonder why my urine is darker in my bathroom than it is in the bathroom here. At first I thought it was the lighting but my bathroom has more light than the one here.

Ummmm Milton? I’m assuming that your toilet is smaller and isn’t one of those commercial ones we have here and therefore has less water to dilute it?


Oh! I hadn’t thought of that!

Also, can you never again make me a part of your weird bodily function wonderings? I’d really appreciate that.


Weekend, you didn't get here soon enough!


  1. DAMMIT!!

    this whole time i thought i was in that "good naked" category.

    guess i'll have to start flashing senile old ladies that can't hear or see, you know... the ones that have no pubic hair and pee in all sorts of neon colors.

  2. They still have those movie theater things? Weird...

  3. Lmao!!!!



    You work with some strange people!

  4. I'm with Orion..

    Maybe we'll form some kind of weird organization, and hole up in a run-down shack somewhere outside of Waco..

    Stranger things have been done, ya know!

  5. Very funny, Bee!!

    I found a pubic hair in the sink at the gym. Since these sinks are used by um.....EVERYONE....can I put up a sign that says please wipe up pubic hairs and I don't really want to know why they are there, OK?

    Maybe I should be glad that they washed their hands.

    I love it. People are really weird.

  6. so much here, so much here, what to comment on?

  7. Work bathrooms are the worst! We had a problem with a guy here who's gut is so big that he has a problem seeing things on the other side of it - if you know what I mean. So his aim was a little off on a regular basis. And apparently he never noticed this. The floor was always soaked!

  8. Thankyou for sharing that with us.

    Still gagging...

  9. I am speechless! And a little bit grossed out! Mostly speechless. No. No. I am mostly grossed out.

    And then you got to the pubic hair part...



    I'm going to see that movie this afternoon with Tool Man (mmm...Paul Rudd). I can almost guarantee I'll enter three bathroom stalls at the theater before I find one that is pube-free. This makes me sad.

  10. Ok. I can sooo see myself as one of those old farty ladies WHEN I grow up. hey... they were most likely real life Thelma and Louise's in their younger days. More power to the G'mas.
    As for the (evidence) bathroom issue, somehow it didnt gross me out? (I delivered bebitos for 16yrs) I guess it takes a lot to gross me out.
    P.S. Public bathrooms are taboo, I hold until im going to explode (just to get home in time).

    Bee, your wit has me be-dazzled!

  11. Orion:
    I didn’t mean you silly! And laughing my ass off at you flashing the oldies. They’d probably get closer and feel you up because their eyesight is going.

    Theresa B:
    Yeah, they’re for people like me who have no ambition. ;o)

    2:27??? Which little darling kept you up? :o)

    Okay but I’m not going within 1 mile of that place.

    I find it impressive that they were able to hike up their nether regions to the height of the sink.

    jean knee:
    I know, I know.

    And that is why I don’t use the bathroom in the office. The doctors splattered all the time and they didn’t care cuz their maid cleaned up. And by maid I mean Glynda. They also didn’t flush all the time. I’m all for conserving but HOLY MOSES! do I need to see the corn my boss had for dinner??

    Ha ha! Hope you weren’t eating.

    I think you’ll like it. Of course then Andy blamed me for not having any friends of his own and I said “Dude, don’t blame me for your nerdiness!” and then he tickled me until I almost peed.

    We’re like 2 parenthesis ()

    I’ve seen worse in the bathroom so I wasn’t grossed out, not to mention one of the doctors once snorted a booger onto my sweater, but I was grossed out by Milton’s pee color issues.

    And thanks! ;o)

    Come on now! Have some blood pudding.

  12. EWWWWW. Okay Bee, being a nurse I dont get grossed out by most bodily secretions, yet a boogar?
    Oh my mercy, THAT is disgusting!!

  13. Dang it. Your two posts put my one post to shame today, but that's all right, it was worth it to read both of these stories. I love how you use the silences against your coworkers and supervisor. Good job. :)

  14. Lord, you're one of THOSE friends. I'm so breaking up with you.

  15. Great, now I need to know about the menopause thing.

  16. The shedding thing. So true. After passing forty I could take a ten hour bath in Oil of Olay and still flake like a French pastry.

  17. That was too hilarious!
    I'm impressed with the different colored pee response. I'd have never thought of that.

  18. my grandma went to see male strippers with her old biddy friends. When we aske if she liked it she said yes. But one guy was apparently new because he kept getting hard.

    and then what do you say

  19. Nurselizy:
    It was. ::shiver::

    Thanks! :o)

    You'll be back because I'm irresistible.

    I am so not looking forward to menopause! Why is it called menopause if men don't get it?

    Life is so unfair! :o(

    Blonde Goddess:
    Well, I'm glad I taught you something. ;o)

    jean knee:
    You ask her for directions to the strip joint. Your grandma is soo cool!

  20. This had so many exhilarating ideas but i loved 'i love you, man' and i love Kelly Clarkson (from your entry yesterday, this is my shamefilled confession)

    And your story..uhh..totally awesomely bad but i am coughing as if i'm gagging on pubes.


  21. The coke snortin' limber granny line has me rolling over here. Honestly, I'm sitting on the couch and I'm contemplating getting up, taking a few steps then rolling on the ground. Ha!

    Okay, off to read about Glynda! Squee! I am peeing myself in excitement!

  22. Best office meeting ever. You need to send these ideas into the writing staff of The Office. OMG. Pubes on the toilet seat. Please make Glynda start doing potty checks. Please!

  23. How do you know the pubic hair isn't coming from the Doctor?
    Gylinda should have told all of you to come to work clean shaven from now on, "You will be check before you punch in!"

  24. next time youre talking about great pups id appreciate a little shoutout, ok? need all the publicity i can get. thank you dear

    oh and by the way, of course youd find a hair like that out in the open, thats why theyre called public hairs.

  25. I don't believe a word you say. I think you make these people up and it’s just an elaborate scam to make your blog more interesting.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.