Thursday, April 16, 2009

Stinky breath, bad hair, cold feet, in-laws*... THINGS ONE PUTS UP WITH WHEN MARRIED!


The young years


Who would have thunk a shorty from the West Side and a comic book guy, I MEAN, Graphic Novel Connoisseur from the Northwest Side (almost suburbs) would last this long?

Our ethnic differences alone were something we needed to embrace. I, for example, like ketchup AND MAYO on my hot dog and he was all about NO ketchup and mayo on his hot dog. He came to his senses and now gets the yummy combination.

I think our marriage has lasted this long -EIGHT LOOOONG YEARS- due to the fact the we have never really listened to any marriage advice. Yep. We are just that awesome.

Most of the time.

But seriously folks, he's a great guy who looks after me, my momma and other members of my family with little complaint (some rants about lack of privacy and his inability to walk around naked and such but really bad naked needs to be stopped)(kidding babe). He puts up with my constant mood swings and attitude with a calm only a horse whisperer could understand.

I put up with a lot of his crap too, though. For example, all the constant hugging? I only complain about it 75% of the time. The phone calls at all hours of the day when I'm trying to work? I only yell at him after the 10th call. The fact that he loves doing laundry drives me INSANE!

He's not the mushy romantic type and can often be heard saying loving things like "Stop fidgeting! I'm trying to give you a hug, dumbass!" or "Oh poor Bee. Her husband loves her too much waaaaaah waaaah! Jerk."

My heart? It goes pitter patter.

Anyway, here is the interview with the awesome man I am lucky enough to call my hussss uh my hussss-band. (But don't ask me about him tomorrow because the meds might have worn off):

Hey babe, you may know me as the person who complains every morning because she slept on the measly 3 inches of bed your stingy butt will allow. Remember I will be the only one asking questions and I will write down everything you say and post it exactly as you say it.

Andy: You want funny? I will be Mr. Anti-Funny!

Bee: Look at that! You changed your name from Mr. Ding-Dong! [Andy throws paper towel at my head]

Here goes:

How does it feel like to be married to me for this long?

a) Like a bucket of chocolate covered strawberries with a vanilla coke chaser

b) Like a bucket full of swords with a tequila chaser

c) Like a bucket full of rainbows and furry animals

d) Give your own example

Andy: Furry animals? Like what rats and stuff?

Bee: Sure, Andy, rats because rats are ROMANTIC!

Andy: Well, I thought the multiple choices would be 2 bad ones and one good one so I thought the good one was chocolate strawberries and vanilla coke chaser. Umm well you like strawberries and vanilla coke so that, I guess?

Bee: ::sigh:: This isn't starting well.

Andy: What? I gave the right answer right? And don't tell me it's subjective because I'll scratch my balls again. Don't add that into the interview, okay? Why are you writing it down?

Bee: I said I'd write everything you said down. I don't make the rules, babe.

What do you really think of my cooking? And “it gives me gas” is not an answer.

Andy: [thinks thinks thinks shrugs denies he shrugged] it's fine you should do it more often.

Bee: I am not slaving over a hot stove for a "fine".

How do you feel about me broadcasting all our personal life drama on the webisphere? And “it gives me gas” is not an answer.

Andy: I have nothing to hide as long as you tell people I have a big-

Bee: ANDY! Your mom is going to read this!

Andy: [laughs] What? What'd you think I was going to say? I was going to say heart!

Bee: When did you know I was the awesomest chick you would ever meet and therefore decided to stop searching?

Andy: Stop searching? OUCH! You want funny? You get funny!

Bee: If you could only save one person's life and it was between me and Angelina Jolie, who would you save?

Andy: [hahahahahaha] Uh you obviously!

Bee: Are your fingers crossed?

Andy: No! I'm just cold! Sheesh woman, jealous much? Why don't you talk about the fact that you don't want women cutting my hair?

Bee: No, I said a woman could cut your hair as long as she was a beefy lesbian.

Andy: That seems very abnormal to me, buttercup.

Bee: Pffft! Normal is for blood pressure readings.

What is your favorite dish?

Andy: Now does that mean what do I like to eat or something I had once and was like "Wow!"? [at the rolling of my eyes] What? That's a valid question! Your question was too broad!

Bee: Don't blame the questions, babe. Why do you make things so complicated?

Andy: [scratches head] I can't help it. I'm a complicated man [looks puzzled because I burst into laughter] COMPLEX! I meant complex!

Bee: No, complicated is right.

Now for the last question, HOPEFULLY IT'S NOT TOO BROAD, who do you think would win in a battle between a Vampire Ninja and a Telatubby?

Andy: Is that areal question?

Bee: What do you mean "real" It's real because I'm asking it!

Andy: Let me see that paper. [reads my notes] Why would you ask that question? What is a Vampire Ninja?

Bee: Obviously it is the coolest of ninjas because it is both a Vampire AND a Ninja.

Andy: A Teletubby? Are those those weird alien things on TV?

Bee: Are you talking about The Desperate Housewives actresses and their over stretched alien faces? No. I meant the colorful ones that babies are hypnotized by.

Andy: Why do parents let their kids watch that crap?

Bee: I don't know- hey! Focus!

Andy: What was the question again?

Bee: I'm going to bed.

Andy: Sorry! What was it?

Bee: You'll have to read it on my blog tomorrow.

Andy: Uh, I'm kinda busy tomorrow since the guild--

Bee: Andy! Tomorrow is our anniversary! For being married! EIGHT LOOONG YEARS!

Andy: Oh right. Want to go to Yu's Mandarin?

Bee: Not with you.


Andy and I have known each other for almost 14 years. Yeah.

*Just kidding! Maybe.


  1. Teletubbies are worthless. They have a vacuum cleaner, but that's about it. Even Care Bears have rainbow peace rays that with minimal tweaking could become laser death rays.


  2. You know what would be more awesome? Vampire zombies. I don't really know why. Each monster, technically, only needs one life source to carry on - either brains or blood. No sense, really, in mixing them up. You know. Just strike my idea...

    Happy, happy anniversary to you! I love the looks of confusion and cool on your faces in the photo!

  3. Congrats to you both. I loved this interview! I have to say I enjoyed his "Swallowing swords with a tequila chaser" answer that was too funny!

    I think the vampire ninja's should beat the teletubbies senseless then suck them dry!

  4. There's a lot of love in that interview. You have to really look hard for it, but if you know what you're looking for, it's in there. Bravo! That's the way a good marriage should be. Where the husband obviously loves the wife far more that the wife loves the husband.

    "Poor Bee, your husband loves you too much." I may have to use that one on Mrs S. But replacing "Bee" with her name, of course. Otherwise it just wouldn't make sense.

  5. Very funny, Bee! Happy Anniversary. I liked the comment about the over-stretched faces. They look like dolls.

    Swords and tequila? YIKES!

  6. aww that is romantical

    Andy looks better as a brunette

    not that I want to cut his hair or see his big.....heart or anything

  7. Congratulations!! How time flies.

    The Search

  8. Hey....happy anniversary!! Probably seems like just yesterday, right?

  9. "Normal is for blood presure readings" is going into my daily phrase list. Let's see how long I can use it before I upset and disturb my co-workers.

    Oh, and congrats on the whole staying married thing. I find it odd you chose to get married after tax day. Do you whisper sweet deductions in each others ears?

  10. truer words were never written ....

  11. Happy Anniversary!

    Your interviewing technique is certainly interesting ;-)

  12. what would be the #1 reason for your continued bliss? alcohol? feliz aniversario! hope that doesn’t say anything too dirty.

  13. I love his response: Stop searching? OUCH! You want funny? You get funny. Though, I think, from what it sounds like he should be glad the search is over (sorry, cheesy 80s video for your anniversary).

    Happy anniversary to you both. The Wife and I will celebrate our 13th this year. It can last...well, at least a few more years anyway. ;)

  14. Congratulations! I’ve been married for 4 years but it seems like just yesterday to me. Andy is very lucky to be married to someone so funny!

  15. Congrat's on the wedded bliss....Wow those are some awesome pills you took! I need to be REALLY nice tomorrow...what kind are they"? :)

  16. [giggling]You're both so funny! No wonder it's so easy to stay married. Happy Anniversary to the Comedy Duo!

  17. Once again you have done a top notch interview. If you were a news reporter I might actually watch the news.

    Happy Anniversary

  18. ...ketchup AND MAYO on my hot dog

    uggh, even i cant warm up to that

  19. Hapy Anniversary Bee & Andy!

    Andy you didnt answer all of Bees question! She asked some realy good ones.

    Mom R

  20. Happy anniversary, happy anniversay, happy anniversary, haaaaaaaappy anniversary!!! (sing it like they do in The Flinstones)


  21. Well its a good thing Bee is not with the KGB or any super secret spy organization or the answers would be followed some type of psychological torture like maybe putting the WORST picture ever of you in a public place for thousands to gawk at..........

    Is there something you want to tell me about yourself hun?

    :) Happy Anniversary Bee :)

    & thanks for all the congrats guys!!

  22. Andy looks like an ugly Lesbian in that picture,,,je je je.
    Just kidding dude, I hope you're not the sensitive type.

    Happy Anniversary !

  23. Happy Anniversary ... good to see the lurve's still flowing (is that the word I want?).

  24. Did someone almost say Big Cock?

  25. Bee you always make me LMAO!
    Happy Anniversary you two!

  26. I hope one day I find a husband that I will still love after 18 years!

  27. 8 years FTW!!!!
    Congrats :D

    fadkog's "Vampire zombie" idea memerizes me. How come they haven't made a movie about that?


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.