I was walking to the mailbox located in the building today and I saw Norm standing by the entrance. Having a lot of work to do but not really caring, I went over to say hi and see if there was anything new.
Me: What's shakin bakin?
Norm [looks at me sideways]: Who are you, Chuck Woolery?
Norm: Never mind. I can smell the weather changing. Pretty soon I'm gonna have a couple of hundred people ragging on me because of the icy parking lot.
Norm [shrugs]: You can't please everybody. Some people complain that we drop too much salt and [uses high pitched whiney voice] their pretty shoes are getting ruined. I ask them all if they fell on their heads one too many times and think they're living in Hawaii. This is Chi-freakin-cago for cripes sake! Know that when you walk out the door your ass may be skating through the parking lot.
Me: I bought sensible winter shoes last year to prevent exactly that.
Norm: The plastic surgeon used to give me a lot of guff. I'm interested to see if he says anything this year. If he does I'll say "Dr, you and I can both appreciate being between a rock and a hard place." HAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?
Me: Will you yell at me if I say 'no'?
Norm: Do I have to spell it out for you? A rock? A hard place? I caught him shnooping his assistant? Come on! I've been practicing that for months!
Me: That is way far off, Norm. Maybe say something like "Are you worried your assistant will hurt her knees?" Eh?? That ones free.
Norm: That makes no sense. Hey, what is with that pale woman who works in your office? She plugged the toilet and kept flushing until it overflowed!
Me: Whaaa?? When? Which pale one?
Norm: The one who walks with her butt up in the air [Milton!]. I was coming out of the utility room and she bumped into me and told me the toilet overflowed
and then proceeded to give me a detailed description of what she'd done in there! That woman is a nugget away from the chicken farm!
Me: ::blink blink:: . . . . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Norm: I asked her why she kept flushing! If the water wasn't going down, it was going to come UP! How many fancy colleges did she go to?? She said she thought that with enough [air quotes] "momentum" it would be fine. I said, "Lady, a plugged toilet doesn't fix itself!" but the worst part was that she wanted to help me fix it then clean it up. She kept trying to take the mop until I told her she was violating building codes. Then she just stood there watching me. I
had to pretend someone called me so that I could walk away.
Me: Yep. She is persistent.
[Suddenly he straightens himself up and starts yelling at an old man.]
"Hey! Make sure you don't drive over the curb this time, okay?"
[Old man ignores him.]
Norm: So I come back a few minutes later and she's still standing there waiting for me! In the same exact spot! I asked her if she was a robot- did you ever see that movie Starman? She's like that alien guy! What does she do in your joint?
Me: That is up for debate.
Norm: I think I'd chew my arm off if I had to deal with her on a daily basis. Then I'd jump into a shark tank.
Me: Yep. That's pretty much how I feel everyday. She's a nice person though and tries really hard but . . .
Norm: Have you resorted to drinking yet?
[stops talking and yells at the same old guy he told not to drive on the curb who was currently driving on the curb]
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU OLD MAN!!"
[old man flips him off]
Norm & Me: Old People!
And that's when I realized something. If Norm were 30 years younger, he'd be my best friend.