Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Apparently spiders and ants have had the same Sensei in the ancient art of THE NINJA (said in reverent whisper).

We've had an ant problem at the Asylum for quite some time. These aren't the cute and cuddly little red ants either. They're the big ugly black ones. People would just brush them off the table, wall, shoulder, SANDWICH and shrug as if to say "meh, I've had worse disease ridden/riddled creatures on my tuna fish!" Me? I'm not so blasé so you would typically hear my cries of "Die you exoskeleton shit eater!", some mad stomping and then my coffee would kick in.

The dramaedy didn't reach its drama until someone found an ant walking around the toilet seat (I'm hoping before they lowered their dra'ws to sit on said seat) then all hell broke loose! All of a sudden it was imperative an exterminator came and uh exterminated the ants! We are not just talking about tuna fish anymore people! Now we have them attacking us were they can do the most damage!

So we called Norm.


Where are these alleged ants?




Well, can you tell me where you've seen them?




So not just in the kitchen??


For shitake's sake Norm! EVERYWHERE!!


Language young lady!-- Did you say *shitake*? Okay, I'll have an exterminator out today.

And so he was true to his word and we had an emergency visit from the bug killer. I didn't see what the dude did because it was Friday and I left at THREE ON THE DOT, after telling OZ I was not going to have our weekly Friday meeting because he had the pig virus and I'd rather he keep it to himself, but when I came in on Monday morning, I asked if he had left little invitations for all ants and their distant relatives inviting them over for a nice cup of tea. Why? Because the ants TRIPLED!

I don't know about you but to me the word "exterminate" means to destroy!, eliminate!, eradicate!, that which bugs you. Clearly there had been a misunderstanding!

After I Michael Jacksoned my way out of the kitchen, it was decided Mr. Ex-Terminator-he-ain't (head roll, finger snap) would have to come back for another once over (or as I like to call it "do your effing job and kill those suckers before they start hitching rides in my clothes!)

I suggested buying a big vat of chocolate and putting a sign on the table that said "Get your chocolate covered ants here!" but the women just wrinkled their noses at me. Yeaaah! I'm the gross one!

When the exterminator dude showed up I thought, "no wonder the ants aren't afraid of this shorts, Hawaiian shirt, tanning lotion wearing parrot head!". He walked in (announcing his presence to everybody in the waiting room) and asked us where we had seen the ants.

All together now:


He was carrying a paper bag and pulled out a couple of these:

cell 8.4.09 010

I heard tiny, mocking laughter.

This makes me wonder if exterminators need proper training and credentialing because really I could just slap on a sticker on the ass of my car that says "Bee, exterminator to the stars" and then walk around dropping these little things everywhere I go like a fumigating angel of death. Where did Norm find this guy? Cheech and Chong play Magnum PI casting rejects? Okay, I know that's mean and he must be a very nice pot smoking/Jimmy Buffet fan and I may be just lashing out because I'm tired of squirming and battling things on my face that are just wisps of my hair!

For now, I think it's safest to eat with a lunch buddy. That way, if any ninja ants are making their way towards my Lean Cuisine, there will be 4 eyes keeping vigil. Well, 8 if you count our glasses.


  1. Surely the sensible solution is to get a pet Aardvark?

  2. Omg that's terrible! Living in constant fear of having something crawl up your crack/lunch. I mean, those things have fangs when they want to right? Ugh.

  3. Those aren't ants. They're termites!

    Just kidding.

    I think those "ant bait packs" are supposed to draw more ants. The ants communicate to the mound that there's food here and they all come to "drink the Kool-Aid" and then die in 24 - 36 hours.

    Well, at least that's what happened at my place..and it actually worked. But, mine were the little tiny black ants, not those big blood-sucking ants. ;-)

  4. Hmmm can't help you out with the ant problem as of right now. BUT if there were Peonies planted outside the ants would stay outside because they love the syrup that the Peonies have all over their buds. Actually they're clled the "Ant Plant" for a reason. They actually need the ants in order for their blooms to open. I find it hilarious that here where I live, I'm the only one with peonies and other flowers in my yard and also the only one without an ant problem in my house :D

  5. we have ants everywhere, inside and outside. I'll take a pic sometime-you will soil your pants

  6. I blame your garbage recycling coworker for unleashing this hell.

  7. We have them this year too and it's pissing me off... let me know how your fancy traps work out.

  8. "Shit eater?!?!?" - the language on you :)

  9. those ant trap hockey puck thingys are chewy and delicious!

  10. Maybe the exterminator was a PETA spy in disguise! He was thinking, " Kill ants will ya? I'll show you! Now have more ants & like it!"

  11. Brian:
    You know where I can get one for cheap? And by cheap I mean free.

    Evil ones!

    So it's gonna get better before it gets worse? Good lord!

    I wouldn't mind planting some peonies by my window! :o)

    jean knee:
    Oh man! poopy pants?

    Damn! I forgot about that! I'm blowing the whistle!

    So far the ants are walking by 'em but they're not going in!

    What can I say? It was early in the morning. After my coffee it's worse cuz my brain cells are awake. ;o)

    Nooter NO! Down boy!

    You're brilliant!

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