Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Man + Woman + his and hers computers = Harmony.

As some of you may know, Andy and I have been married for over 8 years. (EIGHT LONG YEARS)

I personally think people should go through some sort of pre-marriage counseling that prepares them for the different facets you'll go through in a marriageship. In fact, I, as the all knowing been-there-done-that chick, volunteer to be your personal guide through stormy seas. And by *volunteer* I mean there will be a nominal fee of $1,000.

Expensive, you say? Well, it's a one time payment and you will get the benefit of my expertise and have me at your beck and call. That's a bargain since not even Andy can boast of such privileges. Unless he pays the $1,000 fee but that would be immoral and along the lines of prostitution which we here at Bee's Musings do not condone!

Okay! Let's get this train back on track!

My Andy and I have gone through a lot of transitional periods but the hardest ones were probably the first 3 years (I'm not counting the seventh year among the problematic ones because I blame it on temporary insanity)(HIS temporary insanity).

In the first year of our marriage, we discovered that our heads will not literally explode from yelling at each other until we sound like chain-smoking winos. This was a great realization since we seemed to be at arms everyday and twice on Sundays.

"Why don't you close the shower curtain after your shower? What? You want to bathe in mold??"

"Do not touch my lunch snacks because those are mine- for ME to take for MY lunch- MINE!" (I think we can all recognize this as being Andy)

"Gah! Can you pick up your feet so I can sweep under the couch??"

"Why do you have to clean when I'm trying to watch Football/Basketball/Baseball/Golf/Midget Wrestling??"

Specialist in mental health call this "The adjustment" period (I assume) but I call it the "Watch your ass or I'll kick it!" period. Still, we tweaked our behaviors. He by becoming addicted to the computer instead of the TV thereby staying in his dungeon and me by never cleaning. Ahhh apathy, you are the instrument which tunes my soul. Or not. Whatever.

Worked out well I'd say.

Our second year we argued less but when we did argue, it was mostly about money. He would give me my allowance at 6:00pm on Fridays and I would have it all spent by 6:05pm on Fridays.

"How is that you're broke already? I JUST gave you your money! Are you buying drugs in the alley?"

"It's none of your beeswax! It's not like I'm asking for more!"

Those same specialists may call this "The financial overlord" period and I would have to agree. It would drive Andy insane that I'd never know where my money went and I refused to give him a breakdown. As far as I was concerned, it was my allowance and I could spend it on wax jobs for women in third world countries if I wanted to!

After we bought our house in the midst of our third year of marriage, all arguments over money stopped. There was no money to argue over, you see. Our allowances went from "Woohoo! Shoes, purses, TEQUILA!!" to "Hmmm I think I have enough to buy a Butterfinger, a bottle of water and a bag of twisty fritos. Doh! I forgot about the tax!" We go to work, come home, pay our bills then go to our respective corners and relax.

There's something about being on the hook for hundreds of thousands of dollars that makes you bond and realize it's you two against the malevolent banks with their interest rates and their rolls of quarters.

We reached a plateau in our marriage. The "comfortable with each other enough for ONE of us to confide in the other that we just took the longest poop on record!" (okay, it wasn't me). One where we can be have our own likes without codependency.

You figure there is nothing else you can hide from each other. No new behavior you need to adjust to. From here on out it's smooth sailing...

Until.

Until the day comes when his computer breaks and now you're left to fill that vacant void that's labeled "relationship".

All of a sudden your pleasant routine transforms into this "WE" thing.

"What are WE going to watch?" -Uhhh I'M going to watch "17 Again". (Don't judge me!)

"The Cubs'/Bears' game is on, can WE change the channel?" -but I'M already watching Less Than Perfect!

iceeeeecream "Are WE going to have ice cream?" -Sweet Moses!

And then he starts taking over your things, your seat, your sanity.

"I am just going on your laptop for a minute- why are there pictures of Brad Pitt and David Beckham flashing me?" -because they're gorgeous duh!

"Can you scooch over? There's a glare from your terrarium on the TV." -which is why I sit where I sit.

Then it gets worse because now you have to listen to ::shiver:: sports talk!

"Shabadaba Tarrrruiti is on the DL (disabled list)(useless trivia) again! That man must be made of glass!"

"The Cubs played the Dinosaurs and lost by 17 but they should have won! Gary Whocares lost it at the end!"

"Blah Blah Blah football."

He keeps looking over at me as I type this. WE are watching Law & Order Criminal Intent (I LOATHE JEFF GOLDBLUM!)

There sits my Andy. Drinking my Miller Lite and eating Doritos...

I don't know what's wrong with his computer. I don't know how to fix it either but, by Eve [shakes fist in the air!], I'm going to take out my tools, pour myself a drink and figure it out!

tools

20 comments:

  1. How about one of the following solutions?

    1. Give Andy your computer. You don't need it now you have an iphone.

    2. Shut him in the kitchen and make him do the cooking.

    3. Get another TV.

    And I'm not even going to charge you $1000

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  3. Unlike Marry, I'm not selling anything, and unlike Brian, I don't have any advice. I think what you're doing so far sounds fine. That's how The Wife would handle me, and that's exactly how I hear her too: Blah blah blah. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. that's why I'm never getting married

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  5. "Ahhh apathy, you are the instrument which tunes my soul. Or not. Whatever."

    You are truly wise. My hubby and I have been married 14 years and have been through every stage you mention many times.

    I would add denial to the engine that runs a successful marriage. And also having your spouse not listen to half of what you say keeps the relationship fresh. You can tell the same stories over and over and it will always be new to him.

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  6. "Watch your ass or I'll kick it!" period" CRAP!! I never got out of this stage! I cant stop laughing!!!!

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  7. Ah, relationships ... my girlfriend is having some "me" time .... great!

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  8. Hubby and I tease each other about having to retrain our replacements. It would be WAY too much work.

    I like Brian's ideas for Andy. That is, #2 or #3 would do.

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  9. And that's why I've been married four times. I don't like someone crowding my space. Wayne and I have been married for 12 years...my longest marriage so far...and that's because we both like our space and our "me" time.

    That'll be $1500.00. Thanks

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  10. We? Have two tvs. Two laptops PLUS a desktop because I? Don't share. If my husband even suggested using my laptop, I'd crack the lid down and break his fingers. I know, what did he do to earn such a kind loving wife? =)

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  11. I guess I'm the odd man (woman) out... I have to say I enjoy "we" time.

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  12. I was all ready to make some smart ass comment here, but then I read that you "loathe Jeff Goldblum." What the hell is wrong with you?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh yeah, two computers is a must. We're both junkies. When either of us needs to Google some important information, we need immediate access. Even when the other is blogging or playing fantasy sports.

    ReplyDelete
  14. First, important things. I loathe Jeff Goldblum too.

    I once heard, years ago, a shrink on TV say that when couples fight about 'things' it's not really about the things. It's about not liking (loving yes, liking no) the other person.

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  15. Maybe we should just follow the old tale of King Solomon. If we cleave the TV & computer in two, how do we decide who gets what half?

    Actually, that's probably something that may end up working better if we are talking about food or non living entities.

    NAH!!!!!


    I got dibs on left side TV & laptop monitor!!!!

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  16. As a man who has been married to the same partner for almost 25 years, the secret to our success lies in my having adhered to the following adage:

    "What's hers is hers, and what's mine is hers."

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  17. I love your blog and all, but I'm on Andy's side here. It's a guy thing. Why DO you have to clean when we're watching sports?

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  18. I love your blog and all, but I'm on Andy's side here. It's a guy thing. Why DO you have to clean when we're watching sports?

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  19. This sounds all too familiar. At least the first 3 years part because that is where I am. If I can ever get full control of my TV then I will be in paradise. The only problem is that I have a kid that someday soon will discover he magic of cartoons. Then I will go all the way down the list to 3rd place.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.