It's time to play "Worst Case Scenario"! Here's your host: Beeeee Musings! (that's me!)

I know most of you assume I live my life stumbling around by the seat of my pants and you're not far from the truth but on those rare occasions that I have to make tough decisions, I employ what I call my "Worst Case Scenario" system which prevents me regretting any decisions. What I do is, I ask myself "what is the worst case scenario if I do or don't do ___"

For example"

Marriage— Yay? or Nay?

Yay:

Worst case scenario is that Andy opens his eyes on our 10 year anniversary and realizes he married a bipolar nutjob. Until then, I won't have to take out the stinky garbage cuz I'll have a boy that does it.

Nay:

Worst case scenario, I'll start liking cats.

Since I really think cats are a step up from anal gerbils (ask Richard Gere what I mean because I don't have time to explain), marriage challenge accepted! We are approaching year 9 so we'll see what happens next year.

Let's focus on today's challenging decisions, okay?

It all started at 9:30 AM day of the lord Wednesday January 13th (coincidence that it was the 13th? I think not!). I had just finished off a full bottle of water and needed to go, erm, tinkle and like always, I waited until the very last minute which meant it was GO time! As I was lining the toilet seat with TP (a protected toilet seat is a happy toilet seat) and doing the pee-pee dance ( you know the one, right? where you shuffle from from one foot to the other all the while pinching your legs tightly together?) I was also trying to unbutton my pants at the same time... you know, now that I typed that, I'm thinking 2 things. First off, why do I share so much information and second, I must have looked like a spastic weirdo. Oh well!

Anyway, I must have yanked on my pants too hard (that's what he said!) because PEEWM! there went my button!

[insert chubbo jokes here you jerks!]

Dammit! Now the zipper wouldn't stay up! Should I just pull my blouse down?

Worst Case Scenario:

My blouse doesn't hide the problem so I walk around flashing the unsuspecting elderly.

So I looked down at myself to see how long my blouse was but it wasn't long enough to cover the overexposure. Nope, I didn't want to risk accidental peepage so I had to try something else.

I did the best I could with the zipper and walked out of the bathroom (after I washed my hands, I'm not a barbarian!) where I bumped into Scarecrow. I explained my dilemma and asked her if she had a safety pin.

She gave me one of those jumbo ones people used to secure cloth diapers in the olden days but before I could go back into the bathroom, Scarecrow went in!

Should I wait for her her to come out or just go into the kitchen and face the window so no one I work with will see what I'm doing?

Worst Case Scenario:

A random stranger I may never meet will see me fiddling with my pants while I'm standing in the kitchen.

So I stood in the kitchen and threaded the safety pin through my pants and the space where the button used to be. Nobody walked by the window in the kitchen so my secret is safe.

I went on my merry way and continued my job duties as if I was a normal person. Unfortunately for me, I should have adjusted my daily over-exaggerated body gestures to accommodate a hazardous pokey thing in my pants (that's what he said!)(that's what she said!)(it could go either way, no?) but I completely forgot I was living on the precipice of mortal danger!

Later in the day, when I needed to use the ladies room again, I went to open the safety pin but I couldn't find the other prong thingie. I looked down and there, staring up at me menacingly (I think it was even snarling), was the sharp part of the pin! I was almost killed! With no warning even! It turns out the pin had become bent and crooked so it had popped out of the pin's head!

What do I do now? Should I go home and change? No, because I won't want to come back. Maybe if I just put the safety pin back carefully...

Worst Case Scenario:

Fatal Stabbing!

Well, I certainly didn't want to die by way of safety pin stabbing but what other choice did I have?

I threaded the pin through again. This time I made sure it was more secure. Also, as an added precaution, I took 2 paper towels, folded them and positioned them on the inside of my pants to form a barrier between the pin and my delicate skin.

I thought to myself "Self, just don't use the ladies room too often so that you won't have to go through this hassle each and every time!"

You know what happened? It was as if my bladder decided to take a stand and show me who was boss! I would have a teeny tiny sip of water and BOOM! I had to go to the bathroom! I'd be reading a magazine and an ad would feature  an H2O product BOOM! I had to go to the bathroom!

If I walked by a plant— nothing would happen because it's a plant but then I'd notice it needed to be watered and BOOM! off I'd go!

After being tortured every five minutes, I finally took control of my bladder and said "Do your worst!" but by this time it was time to go home and I'm happy I didn't have to find out what the worst case scenario would have been.

And now you know too much about me and my pants!

Once upon a time there was a family of ugly globs living in my lungs...

 

It all started on Friday THE THIRTEENTH ooh spoooooky!

I came down with some bug. Last year I was rarely sick but it seems this year will be the year of the Funkyflus for me.

As you may or may not know, you simply cannot be sick while working at the Asylum. People immediately start shielding themselves from you and spraying every area you touch with bleachlike substances. While your hand is still touching the object! I don't know why they treat people like pariahs when they're ill. With the exception of OZ, it's not like we go out licking unsanitary hookers on purpose!

So, I decided to keep my illness (which I believe was passed on to me by that evil OZ!) on the down-low. Unfortunately for me, at the earliest sign of any illness, my voice is the first to go. Added to that, I have this creepy cough that I haven't been able to get rid of for over a month. That cough has irritated my throat and, I'm assuming because I am not a licensed professional, my vocal chords. So instead of my sweet HIGH PITCHED voice OF A NINE YEAR OLD, I sound like a 1920s hustler whose had too many cigarettes, booze and good times. The voice is a little less Mae West and a lot more Elmer Fudd-y. I will call this my alter ego and name her Lullibell. What the hell was I talking about? Oh right! I'm sick.

I went to work and as soon as I said something, everyone pounced on me.

"Are you sick?"
"Sounds like something's cookin'!"
"Your hair looks great!"

I told them I felt fine but I felt a little congested. Immediately Glynda told me to go home. Since I no longer have any more time off left in the season, I told her that I would go home if they paid me for the day. She stared at me blankly and said "No, but I don't want you to give it to us" and that's when I said "This is harassment!" no I actually told her that if she did not get it from kissing OZ's ass, then she wouldn't get it from me.

I struggled the whole day to appear healthy but once I got home that evening, my bravado evaporated. I sat on the sofa coughing and whimpering, waiting for Tom Cruise to come heal me. Bastard never showed.

I managed to run some errands on Saturday but on Sunday all I did was wallow in self pity, vowing to make the world a bitter place if I came out of this alive.

On Monday, I called in sick because I had trouble sleeping and I knew I would look like a zombie on meth and therefore be judged by the bats because even though looking like zombies on meth is their permanent look, it's unacceptable for me to come down with any illness. I decided to stay home and rest. I slept until 2pm. TWO PM! It was almost dinner time! I felt better, still a little cough-y but the headache and lightheadedness were gone.

Join me in the present day, Tuesday, where I'm driving to work and practicing my 'good mornings' because I don't want my voice to sound all scratchy when I greet Glynda.

First, I sounded like Lurch  "Good morning!" nope try again "GOOD MORNING!" that sounded like Jack McFarland on helium. Bring it down a few notches "Good morning!" now I'm Oscar the freaking Grouch! Good, I'm getting closer! I would be able to fool people into thinking I was 100% better and they wouldn't irritate me with their obnoxious insinuations of me infecting the whole office thereby taking years off their lives. I high fived myself in the rear view mirror and that's when I realized . . .

My life? Pathetic.

Norm!

I was walking to the mailbox located in the building today and I saw Norm standing by the entrance. Having a lot of work to do but not really caring, I went over to say hi and see if there was anything new.

Me: What's shakin bakin?

Norm [looks at me sideways]: Who are you, Chuck Woolery?

Me: Who?

Norm: Never mind. I can smell the weather changing. Pretty soon I'm gonna have a couple of hundred people ragging on me because of the icy parking lot.

Me: jerks.

Norm [shrugs]: You can't please everybody. Some people complain that we drop too much salt and [uses high pitched whiney voice] their pretty shoes are getting ruined. I ask them all if they fell on their heads one too many times and think they're living in Hawaii. This is Chi-freakin-cago for cripes sake! Know that when you walk out the door your ass may be skating through the parking lot.

Me: I bought sensible winter shoes last year to prevent exactly that.

Norm: The plastic surgeon used to give me a lot of guff. I'm interested to see if he says anything this year. If he does I'll say "Dr, you and I can both appreciate being between a rock and a hard place." HAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?

Me: Will you yell at me if I say 'no'?

Norm: Do I have to spell it out for you? A rock? A hard place? I caught him shnooping his assistant? Come on! I've been practicing that for months!

Me: That is way far off, Norm. Maybe say something like "Are you worried your assistant will hurt her knees?" Eh?? That ones free.

Norm: That makes no sense. Hey, what is with that pale woman who works in your office? She plugged the toilet and kept flushing until it overflowed!

Me: Whaaa?? When? Which pale one?

Norm: The one who walks with her butt up in the air [Milton!]. I was coming out of the utility room and she bumped into me and told me the toilet overflowed
and then proceeded to give me a detailed description of what she'd done in there! That woman is a nugget away from the chicken farm!

Me: ::blink blink:: . . .  . . .  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Norm: I asked her why she kept flushing! If the water wasn't going down, it was going to come UP! How many fancy colleges did she go to?? She said she thought that with enough [air quotes] "momentum" it would be fine. I said, "Lady, a plugged toilet doesn't fix itself!" but the worst part was that she wanted to help me fix it then clean it up. She kept trying to take the mop until I told her she was violating building codes. Then she just stood there watching me. I
had to pretend someone called me so that I could walk away.

Me: Yep. She is persistent.

[Suddenly he straightens himself up and starts yelling at an old man.]

"Hey! Make sure you don't drive over the curb this time, okay?"

[Old man ignores him.]

Norm: So I come back a few minutes later and she's still standing there waiting for me! In the same exact spot! I asked her if she was a robot- did you ever see that movie Starman? She's like that alien guy! What does she do in your joint?

Me: That is up for debate.

Norm: I think I'd chew my arm off if I had to deal with her on a daily basis. Then I'd jump into a shark tank.

Me: Yep. That's pretty much how I feel everyday. She's a nice person though and tries really hard but . . .

Norm: Have you resorted to drinking yet?

[stops talking and yells at the same old guy he told not to drive on the curb who was currently driving on the curb]

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU OLD MAN!!"

[old man flips him off]

Norm & Me: Old People!

 

And that's when I realized something. If Norm were 30 years younger, he'd be my best friend.

Have another bottle!

Andy and I just returned from a  reunion a former boss of mine hosted. Andy was going to finish up the comic strip once we got home but he fell asleep on the sofa and I don't have the heart to wake him up. He worked on the laundry room up until we left for my reunion and was a perfect husband once we got there. I think I may be a little tipsy since I feel like gushing over how awesome he is.

Maybe it's the fact that I was just reminded of a time in my life when my home life and work life were in perfect harmony.

I always boast about the amazing perks I had while working for Bob (former boss)(He also called himself an SOB 'Sweet Ole Bob'). He treated all of his employees with respect and made it apparent to anybody who would listen how he valued each and every one of us. My sister and I joined his company late in his life so he retired a couple of years after we got there. His heir decided he didn't want to continue in his footsteps so the company was sold to a bigger, heartless company who slowly started dismembering all the work he had done over the past 25 years.

Nobody knows how old he is because he has kept up with his looks via a very skilled physician, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, but don't think I'm mocking him. Not at all. He is my hero. I mean, the man would bring wine for us to drink while we were at work, let us leave at noon on Fridays, took us out for lunch for our birthdays and oh yeah, did I mention the booze?

Because all people I admire tend to have quirks, he is no different. Today, for example, he told my sister and I that he had invited his physician to meet us because she was Mexican and maybe we could brush up on our Spanish. He also asked if we wanted something to drink and I said we'd like something nonalcoholic so he said "Coca? I have some Coca. I keep it for the guys that do my lawn." which translated means his Mexican gardeners. Ha! That may sound a little racist but the man goes out of his way to make people happy.  The kicker? He asked me if I had children and when I told him no, "What? Is there a problem? [points at Andy] Do you need me to step in?" Dirty old man you say? You'd be right but ya' know what? The dude is hilarious!

I felt sad for a minute because his amazing personality is still going strong and I miss so very much the days I would wake up in the morning and head to a place I enjoyed working in. So many memorable things happened during my time there. I got married, the unfortunate events of 9-11 happened, my beautiful Natalia was born all these things affected my life in one way or another. Not to mention this was the everyday view from my office:

In the end I'm thankful I had the opportunity to work for his company. I met some of the greatest people that I still keep in touch with. I also know there are bosses out there, somewhere, who treat their employees like people and not disposable snot rags. (Thanks OZ- you fucking asshole!)(he knows why I'm mad at him)

So I raise my glass to all great bosses out there! Thanks S.O.B.!

And to all the people who work for them? Don't take them for granted because you may never again have the  pleasure of truly loving your job, liking the people you work with and having an amazing employer.

 

And now for a Zen moment.

P.S.

My green shoes looked awesome and practically stole the show!

P.P.S.

Don't tell Andy I was all *Andy crazed* okay? I'm sure I'll be back to my normal self tomorrow so he doesn't need to know.

Signs of the Apocalypse at Arkham Asylum

Just when I think things at work can't get any worse I get an unexpected kick to the crotch.

I don't know if you've noticed, OR CARE, but I have not mentioned my search for an assistant this year. It's partly because I'm a superstitious fool and I do believe that me saying the words out loud or, you know, on a post, may jinx my overworked-but-happy-not-to-have-a-moron-hanging-from-my-neck life.

Unfortunately for me, some people at the Asylum do not have enough work to do so the next "" logical "" step is to assign one of these bladdernuts to me. As my assistant.

Who was the lucky dingbat to have the honor of working with me? Scarecrow the X-ray tech. I freaked out of course because, besides thinking she knows everything about fake cheese, she is also an idiot. I reached out to the one person who I knew would sympathize, my former (AWESOME) assistant, BD. At first he was a pain in the ass because we obviously speak in different generations. My generation is smarter, stronger, nicer. His is mean, vindictive and whiney. But then he came through as he always did when he worked alongside me at the nuthouse.

This conversation took place via texts:

Bee: Dude! They want to assign Scarecrow to be my part-time assistant!!!

BD: ?????

Bee: What’s with the”?”? Did u not hear me or are u as shocked as i am?

BD: I am fucking shocked!! WTF r they thinking?

Bee: I dunno but I’m having a h-attack just thinking bout it!

BD: H-attack?

Bee: HEART attack! jeez louise u’re young dontcha know the lingo?

BD: Young people dont worry about “H-ATTACKS” we also dont say “jeez louise” or “lingo”

Bee: Don’t change the subject. What am I gonna do??

BD: Shes got bad knees just pus her.

Bee: WTF? ‘pus’ hahahahaha!! and also eww!

BD: Old people shouldnt be texting

Bee: Young people should respect their elders

BD: pfft! I like pushing them into traffic

Bee: I will save that text for when you become a slimy politician

BD: Senator I have no idea who this “bee” is

-5 hours later because I got busy working so I didn’t respond-

BD: Well?

Bee: ‘well’ what?

BD: Whats going on with the asst thing

Bee: Nothing yet. She just went around saying ‘I’m gonna be BD’

BD: Bitch

Bee: Yep with a capital STUPIDASS!

BD: She doesnt have the looks to be me

Bee: I dunno, u both look like muppets

BD: Old people start smelling funny at 37

Bee: Why are you sniffing old people? New fetish?

BD: THAT WAS DISGUSTING!

Bee: U started

BD: I was thinking about it and you should use this argument:

-A BUNCH OF MINUTES GO BY-

BD: “Her prior indiscretions demonstrate she may be prone to relay personal info at inopportune times thereby violating PHI/HIPAA making her a liability”

Bee: ::blink blink:: great idea!

BD: Thatll be $300

Bee: You learned that shit from ME for FREE fool!

BD: 300 bucks will keep me on retainer for the rest of ur life or until u turn 50

Bee: Why 50?

BD: Dont u have some psycho hit on urself?

Bee: Thanks. Now my nightmares will return

BD: I will even represent Andy in the wrongful death suit

Bee: Knowing it’s gonna happen, doesn't that make everybody accessories?

BD: As my own council, i am ending this conversation

Bee: I win! Get used to hearing that.

BD: When did you become so cruel?

Bee: That’s what old age does to a person- look at Jerry Lewis

BD: Is that the guy from the grateful dead?

Bee: No that’s Jerry Garcia he’s dead but that was more due to drugs than age. Lewis was the original nutty professor now he’s a cranky old dude.

BD: Thanks for the useless trivia- ROLLS EYES

Bee: Dont u need to shine ur snakeskin boots and go sing karaoke, country style?

BD: Thats tomorrow. Let me know how it goes with OZ. Otherwise plan b

Bee: Later!

BD: Arent u gonna ask what plan b is?

Bee: What is it?

BD: u re-hire the asst from last year.

Bee: I hate you.

BD: LMFAO theres some “lingo” for you

 

Don't tell that big headed fool that his advice actually worked. I'd never hear the end of it!

Passive aggressiveness is the new assh*le.

I don’t know what it is about people lately but they are acting like insulted housewives! Oops. Was that not PC?

You know how some wives, I know not all of them so save the hate mail, will be mad at their husbands but they don’t tell them why so they resort to the “if you don’t know why I’m upset, I’m not telling you!”? I’ve never understood this behavior since I pretty much always tell Andy exactly why I’m pissed off. I let him know in great detail which of his actions have infuriated me. I even make a little graph so that there are absolutely no misunderstandings. I don’t walk around the house sulking and waiting for him to get a clue.

Anyway, this isn’t about Andy THIS TIME.

I’m getting my fill this week with people making it known they’re mad at me but not having the balls to tell me why. Did I not ask you if you needed to go to the bathroom enough times? Did I say good morning too sharply? Did I insult you when I asked you to double check something because you’ve been known to fuck up on more than one occasion? Was it the fact that I did not want to answer anymore questions on the bracelet you found that must have been sitting in the storage area since 1978 making it impossible to be mine because at that time I was 6 and my mom wouldn’t let me cross the street by myself much less come to a different state, sneak into a medical building and unlock a storage space with my pinkie nails. Yes I know the writing on the bracelet is in “”MEXICAN”” and I don't know if those dried flowers inside are indigenous to Mexico because honestly, I’m pretty sure there are more than one of us who roam the earth.

Let me tell you something, and by ‘you’ I don’t mean YOU, unless you’re pissing me off too, it’s not ME it’s YOU. Can you please shut the fuck up and/or kiss my ass? Thanks.

Phew! That felt great! I’m still trying to figure out the right combination of meds that will keep my head from exploding but this rant did wonders!

Oh and P.S.
Don’t feel bad for Andy because he has a crazy wife. I tell him everyday how lucky he is not to have a high maintenance wife. He is 98% free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without having to ask my permission. Ever.

The other 2% he spends by taking me to a movie every once in a while.*

How's that for passive aggressive?

I am going to surgically attach my cell to my wrist because that way I will never ever miss important photo opportunities like big yellow-red rats mocking PETA.

Have I ever told you guys how defenseless I feel when I forget my cellphone? I constantly find myself reaching for the spot where it usually rests on my desk. I would have taken a picture of the spot but I forgot my cellphone.

You see, my cell is no longer something I just make phone calls with. Since I no longer have access to the internet at work (which sucks because I can no longer harass Brian and jean knee while I’m at work so now they go on about their lives in peace and who wants that???), I check my email on it, read my favorite blogs, AND take pictures of interesting things.

On Friday, I forgot it at home. And what happens??? Across the street from my office some dudes inflated a giant rat! A giant scary rat with fangs and claws ready to eat you up! This thing was huge and not really lifelike because it was yellow and red but it still had a menacing look to him.

We stood in front of the window wondering what they were advertising using a rat. They had inflated it near some apartment building so one of the bats said, “maybe they’re trying to advertise vacant apartments” and I was like “with a rat?? ‘Hi! Come live here, we have rats!’ No, I doubt it.”

Then, when the coffee made me smurt, I figured out they weren't advertising, they were protesting something. Unfortunately, we couldn’t make out what the signs said and I was too lazy to walk over, the street is one of the busiest in the area, so I just came up with different scenarios in my head.

-They were protesting Scarecrow's very short shorts because hello? It’s Casual Friday not Hoochie Dress Up Day. I know some older women can pull it off but picture the old tanned lady from Something about Mary. Only more wrinkly.

- They were protesting PETA's obsession with eating rocky mountain oyster. Seriously, PETA! You guys are sick!

- They were protesting because I haven't gotten a raise in my allowance in 3 years. We need to know why! I've done all most of my chores!

- They were protesting Milton's constant criticizing on their disorganized protest. "They should hold the signs up higher! They should have printed bigger signs! I can't read what they say! Why is that man on his cellphone?? He doesn't seem too interested in his protest!" and so on.

I was upset with myself for not having my phone so I may photo document this exciting event but I think I came up with a solution so that you may experience what I was seeing semi-first hand.

I was originally going to draw it for you but my drawing looked like cavemen chasing a chia pet so I recreated it with things around my house.

Okay, here we have that big dragon thing representing the rat, a couple of Bonsai trees representing the trees, flowers representing flowers, Betty Boop in her smoking convertible representing cars driving by and honking their support, the 2 Mexican ladies, Han Solo and Pinocchio representing the protestors.

Here is a close up.

Here is an aerial view taken from the Bee chopper in the sky. I don't know what that mini bottle of Tabasco sauce is doing there. Maybe it was left there after their lunch?

We never did find out what they were protesting and they left before I got out of work but I saw Norm talking to them and I'm sure he'll give me the full scoop on Monday.

P.S.

The Sunday Comic should be back next Sunday. We have been a tad busy but I'm planning on making Andy drink nothing but Red Bull this week so his slacking days are over!

I'm down with OCD! Yeah you know me!

You know how I'm always talking crap about the bats (ladies I work with)? I'm always saying how they're off their rockers because they have all these idiosyncrasies that boggle my mind?

Well...

It seems they may be slowly infecting me. I feel the changes are, at the moment, imperceptible but yesterday, when I was getting ready to leave the office, I did what I have done since I discovered Milton has been going through my desk. I clipped together the paperwork I've been working on and strategically placed a bunch of items on top and then took a picture.

I do it everyday and then in the morning, after I verify nothing was touched or ask "WHO THE HELL MOVED MY CHEESE??" if something was, I delete the picture and start working.

I've been doing that for almost a year. Everyday.

I fear there is no turning back.

The following post is mature in nature. Please read it at your discretion since it may cause involuntary gasps followed by exclamations of “ewww!” and/or body seizures.

Subtitle: Personal information that makes my body cringe and want to burst my eardrums.

The post immediately below was going to be my Friday post. I had it all prepared ahead of time and thought how much I rocked because I would be able to go to bed early and maybe actually sleep tonight. I wouldn't worry about typing up a post because it would already be done, you see.

Then!

Then the Thursday morning meeting happened. How can I not talk about Glynda’s bizarre request? How can I not share the conversation between Milton and I that followed? I have a responsibility to those of you out there who don’t work in offices. After reading this you'll probably get down on your knees and thank the lord you don’t have to be a part of this insane asylum.

And now, I bring you, Two Posts Friday! Woohoo! Yay! You lucky ducks you.

First up, kinky grandmas at the movies:

Andy and I went to the movies on Sunday and saw “I love you man” with yummy Paul Rudd and that dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know the guy I’m talking about, right? Tall guy with shaggy hair who bounced his penis all over the screen in that movie? Yeah, that guy.

Anyway, their movies are usually extremely raunchy and funny so we knew we were in for some good laughs. I did pray I would not have to see full frontal again. Average Joe naked is not good naked. Sorry but it needed to be said.

Imagine mine and Andy’s surprise when we got to our regular seats and saw 2 grandma-like women sitting with a boy of about 14. By grandma-like I mean permed hair held in place by 2 cans of aerosol and tinted blue for elegance, thick glasses etc.

Andy and I nudged each other and pointed at them at the same time but since they were sitting in the row in front of us, we just grinned and imagined the uncomfortable moments they would have because of the explicit dialogue.

However! We were shocked SHOCKED to hear one of the grannies respond “I liked Coke better when they used to put cocaine in it” to the kid when he said he liked Coke.

Andy and I nudged each other again and tried our hardest not to laugh out loud. Go granny! Then she put her leg on the seat in front of her. How can one concentrate when granny is talking about cocaine and being all limber??

The best part was when the tall-shaggy-haired-penis-bouncer actor guy proclaimed to have a (Mom R. look away from this sentence) jerk off station and the kid laughed uproariously and the little granny had to lean in and tell the other granny what the guy on the screen had just said.

“He has a jerk off station. No! A JERK OFF [hand motion] STATION!”

Sweeeeeeeet! That is one cool granny.

Oh yeah. The nachos were excellent, minus Jalapeños though due to the razorblade affliction I now have because I’M OLD, and the movie was very funny. What? It was funny! Don’t come here for your movie reviews! But don’t go away either. Just stay right here, okay?

In other news, after my long lost friend found me, she also directed someone else to me who was like my sister. More on her in another post because she needs to know how much she meant to me and it can't be in the middle of kinky grannies-- and bizarre bathroom behavior.

Anyway, I was determined to reconnect with other friends who were such a big part of my life at one time or another. I found one on THE FACEBOOK who gladly accepted my friend request then I looked for one other one and thought I had found her. I sent her a friend request with a message asking “Is this so and so who used to work at Brown’s Chicken? If not, please disregard and I apologize for the intrusion.” I didn’t get an answer until weeks later but then I got the following:

Subject: wondering who you are?
Is this Bianca?

And I responded in my typical egotistical manner “The one and only!” immediately after I got the email. That was 5 days ago and I still haven’t gotten accepted as her friend or any other response. Did you hear that? That’s my ego shrinking an inch! Realistically, an inch is nothing to worry about when my ego is so big I nickname it "Australia" but what will happen next time I see an old friend walking down the street and I yell out “Hey! It’s me Bee from the nuthouse!” will they run away?

Now I’m wondering if I was that bad of a friend. Andy says I have issues maintaining friendships because it involves me calling people and then meeting them somewhere to socialize, you know, because I'd rather have virtual relationships? But I’m trying to change people! I feel like a born again friendship giver/taker who everybody thinks will fall back to her old ways of screening calls and being too lazy to write. ::sigh:: You know who loves me unconditionally? My cellphone.
And so ended the original post. But now...

The mysterious shedding at Arkham Asylum:

Morning meeting started the same as usual. Chatter about whose kid is too old to be living at home but can’t seem to get their shit together to move out, how cute our dogs are, etc. When Glynda asked if there was any other business and everybody responded no, she went on to say:

Glynda:
I have a request for everybody here and I’m a little embarrassed to bring it up but as the office manager, I have to.
I've gone in to use the bathroom here in the office and noticed pubic hair on the toilet seat on several occasions.

[GASP!]

Since that bathroom is also used by the doctors and I don’t want them to bring it up to me one day because I would die, please do a bathroom check before exiting to make sure you've cleaned up after yourselves.

Office Staff:
[silence]

Glynda:
I know how embarrassed you are right now but imagine how I feel.

Office Staff:
[still silent]

Bee:
I once walked into the public bathroom outside of the office, because I don't use the one in here, and overheard two women talking about how, once menopause hits, they start shedding.

Glynda & Office Staff:
[silently look at me in horror]

Bee:
What? It’s not true?

Glynda & Office Staff:
[Looking down, up anywhere but at me.]

Glynda:
Well, anyway. Please double check the bathroom.

Bee:
What’d I say?

Glynda & Office Staff:
[silently walk away]

Oh sure but my confidential poopy problems were okay to talk about in mixed company!

Yeah, how embarrassing, right? Lucky for me, I really don’t use that bathroom because the doctors are pigs.

Back in our office, Milton and I were giggling like teenagers when she drops this bomb on me.

Milton:
Speaking of odd bathroom behavior. [OH LORD!] I wonder why my urine is darker in my bathroom than it is in the bathroom here. At first I thought it was the lighting but my bathroom has more light than the one here.

Bee:
Ummmm Milton? I’m assuming that your toilet is smaller and isn’t one of those commercial ones we have here and therefore has less water to dilute it?

Milton:
Oh! I hadn’t thought of that!

Bee:
Also, can you never again make me a part of your weird bodily function wonderings? I’d really appreciate that.

eek!

Weekend, you didn't get here soon enough!

Ah, you thought cakes were only dangerous because they make your butt bigger...

Have you missed the fact that I haven't posted about Milton? Would you like a little Milton today?

As I've said before, sometimes I wonder if we are secretly being filmed by some far off extraterrestrials that get their giggles from us, the lesser beings (well, you guys maybe lesser but me? I'm a woman and a half which makes for difficulty in buying clothes). To those extraterrestrials I say "SCREW YOU!" and I say it in a shrill, obnoxious voice right into their mics so I may annoy the shit out of them!

Yesterday, day of the lord Thursday, also known as Treat Day or Social Thursday here at the Asylum, I made the innocent mistake of saying the following to Milton: "Yum!! Glynda brought RedVelvet cake!"

I know! How stupid can I be?? Why would that be the first thing I say in the morning? What happened to just plain ole' "good morning" and then a mouthful of shutty??

You see this prompted Milton to debate my saneness.

Milton: "Who brought RedVelvet cake? I thought you said Glynda."

I did say Glynda because she brought the cake.

Milton: "Did you mean Scarecrow? Because it's her week to bring in treats and Glynda isn't on the rotation to bring treats so I think you meant Scarecrow."

No, I meant Glynda—

Milton: "Why would Glynda bring in treats? That just doesn't make sense! Are you sure it wasn't Scarecrow?" [and she stood up as if to emphasis what I dumbass I am for getting two completely different people mixed up]

Glynda brought the cake because—

Milton: "Scarecrow. You mean Scarecrow." [and she gave me that look that shows she is trying her hardest not to lose her patience]

Hey, how about you let me complete sentence? GLYNDA BROUGHT A CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

Milton: "Glynda's birthday? [she blinked about 20 times] Scarecrow brought a cake for GLYNDAY'S birthday?"

No. Glynda bought herself, Glynda, a birthday cake because tomorrow is her, Glynda's, birthday. No to Scarecrow. NO TO SCARECROW. NO TO SCARECROW!!!

Milton: "Is Scarecrow still bringing cheese and crackers??"

At the end of the fuckin day I was calling Scarecrow Glynda and vice-versa. Maybe I was wrong and don't really know everything? Maybe I'm really Milton?

Somebody?

Anybody?

My computer did a flipdeedo and then we Dosey-doed. Also, join my new picture thing.

So… you know how I've been saying that my work computer is all virused up and I blame the terrorists? Well, I was taking a nice long drink of my coffee and listening to one of Milton's endless stories about her socks (AGAIN!) when my screen went black and then came back up… something was different but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

It looked a little off center I guess but since I always have my head tilted to the right, it didn't really hit me that it had rotated!

I quickly grabbed my cell phone to take a picture of this bizarre phenomenon and then brought everybody in the office to marvel at the cool things my computer can do when nobody is even touching the keyboard. Ooh! Ahh!

 
Then, after the novelty and the hahas wore off, I was left extremely pissed off because I didn't know how to fix it! I clumsily restarted the damn thing and it came back on still looking ass-sideways. So I called the tech guy aka Tin-Man and he scratched his head and said "what a pickle you've gotten yourself into!" and I had to remind him that I do not get myself into pickles... they kind of just land on me with no warning.

After he hemmed and hawed he left saying he had no clue and had to go help out with a surgery. Chump! I'm more important than some guy whose leg is hanging on only by one nerve!

Nobody knew what to do until I used my picture viewing savy and tried "ctr alt up-arrow". I don't know what the technical term is but I'm calling it the "Alice in Wonderland Special".

Fuckin terrorist and their powers over my computer!

Also, Andy has a man cold (poor little bunny!) which translated means he has been at (--please picture William Shatner saying this) the. brink. of. death. every second of every day since Saturday.

He thinks that his little bitty sniffles excuse him from being quiet while I'm doing silly things like SLEEPING. He must let the world know how much it hurts him to cough because if he suffers we. must. suffer!

In other world news, we should welcome Dizzy Mom from The Dizzy Life of Me to the blogworld. She started her blog just this weekend. In her honor, I would like to host a "Bizarre/Weird WTF-was-I-thinking?  Picture day".

What is that? You may ask. Well, my nosey friend, we bloggers will sometimes come across something we think is the monkey's bananas that might make a great post so we take a picture. Then time passes and you either forget about it or decide it's lame so it remains sitting in the dark recesses of your computer never to see the light of day.

For example, I took this picture and thought I was going to do a WHOLE post about how we're all going to hell but then Christmas passed so now it's too late.

It has to be a picture you or your husband/wife/mom/dad/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog took since we don't want to just regurgitate the same old-same old pictures we all get via chain letter emails.

You know which ones I'm talking about, right?? The ones that have been circulating since 1892?

 
Anyway, email me if you'd like to participate with a link to your blogs so I may post your links here. beesmusings@gmail.com The year you took the picture doesn't matter.

The letting me know deadline is Sunday and I'm thinking we can post our pictures on Tuesday January 27th. Remember, blogger gives you an option to POST DATE to whatever date your heart desires. This means you can do the picture post ahead of time and then just put it to post on the 27th.

Come on! Please? Don't leave me hangin'! (Brian) I think it'll be fun and hopefully generate some traffic to your blogs from people wanting to see what sick demented things you guys took a picture of but decided against posting.

Don't give me any excuses as to why you can't play because I will take your excuses, throw them on the floor and then stomp on them with my size sevens! Okay, I won't stomp 'em. I'll just be sitting in a corner feeling sad and singing Air Supply.

Humor-Blogs

Well, I guess that's the end of the line for this blogger.

Scarecrow, the x-ray tech here at the asylum who thinks she knows all, just said “I hear that the bloggers are having a field day with Blagojevich”

I nearly spit my coffee because I didn’t think anybody here knew what the hell a blogger was so I asked “Yeah? Which bloggers specifically?” she rolls her eyes at me and says “It is a group of many people on one website. The website is The Bloggers. There are no names because they choose to stay anonymous.”

I had to stop myself from laughing while I asked “Really? One big group of people on one website? Do they talk about anything else other than politics? Like maybe life? Or ooh! Poop??”

She looks at me like one would look at a person who just did a post about poop “No Bee. They only talk about politics.”

Oh. Okay. Where do I turn in my blogger badge?

When was the last time you shared the adventures of your lack of bowel movements with the world?

Okay, you guys know how shy I am right?? I mean, how I don't like sharing my personal life with the world? ::snicker::

Something odd happened to me yesterday. Well, not odd uh I would say more along the lines of "...the fuck??"

Now, I must warn you, if you are faint of heart and have crazy gag reflexes, this post is not for you.

You see, for the past few days, I have been having stomach issues. Hold on there sparky, don't jump ship just yet because I am not going to go into any gory details.

The past few WEEKS days I’ve been in somewhat of a bluesy mood. You know, singing sad songs about my life and those around me? I’d sing a little bit for you now but I really don’t want you to become obsessed with my voice. Anyway, a couple of things have suffered because of the moody feelings I’ve been having. I haven’t been sleeping as I should, eating as I should DRINKING AS I SHOULD because I can’t seem to turn off the worry button in my brain. I mean, I think “Yay! My mom comes home January 23!!” but then I feel so upset with the fact that she will come home to her house still looking like total shit.

When she left I promised her she’d be come back to brand spanking new digs but then the buttholes at my insurance company took forever, the banks gave us the run around and then we had the reflood the Saturday after Christmas (which was like having a picnic on the back of smelly gorilla).

Andy and I have been working on it but it seems like a never ending undertaking. The majority of the walls are gone and he and his brother removed every door and door jam (I would have helped but I'm deathly afraid of splinters). We’ve been treating the walls and then sealing them with, uh, super duper sealing stuff but this past Saturday it hit me, we are so fucked.

Her kitchen walls and cabinets still have to be removed, the whole tiled bathroom has to be gutted, we have to rent a dumpster and she will be home in 9 days. NINE DAYS! The part that has me so unfuckenbelievably upset is that she’ll be disappointed at the lack of progress. It makes me feel this small.

Added to that, when the flood happened, I told her not to worry, she’d have new things and her home would be better than it was before. I said those things to keep her spirits up and not sinking into a depression but the amount we received won’t cover the replacement of all her things.

I know how that sounds, it’s just material things and at least we’re all healthy, things could have been worse etc. Yes, I know all that but I can’t help the way I feel. We are talking about the one person in the world who would do and has done anything for me and we can't get our shit together.

... sorry...

That was a special little cleanse. Speaking of cleanses, back to the purpose of this post!

Due to all the stress, my body has reacted in a way I never expected and gone down an uncomfortable road... one I’ve never been on before. I haven’t been able to… you know… go poopsie. ::blushes::

At first I blamed Nooter because I thought it too much of a coincidence that this ailment is now making it’s home in my bowels after reading about his issues but I was told it’s not contagious. Especially via the webisphere.

After a week of suffering, I decided to ask Glynda (she’s back to just plain Glynda) who is a nurse so she knows about such things. Little did I know the next few minutes would be like a scene out a demented sitcom.

Bee:

I was wondering if you knew of a natural way that would help with constipation.

Glynda:

Prune juice does wonders and I also heard Activa helps but that takes about 14 days to regulate you so I’d recommend the prune juice.

[in walks semi-retired doctor Mr. Rogers]

Mr. Rogers:

Everything okay?

Glynda:

Oh, Bee was just asking me what would relieve constipation.

Mr. Rogers:

I eat 2 prunes with breakfast myself. Keeps me on track!

[walks out]

Glynda:

If you don’t like prune juice you can always go with prunes, they're more tastey. Maybe you should start having Activa on a daily basis even if it does take 14 days…

[in walks Milton]

Milton:

I have Activa everyday and the first time I had it, it worked immediately for me. Who wants to try it?

Glynda:

Oh, Bee was just saying how she’s constipated.

Milton then goes on with nonsense talk for a few minutes so Glynda leaves and in walks Toto in time to hear:

Milton:

… but prunes definitely work.

Toto:

Who needs to explode?

Milton:

Bee is having issues with her digestive system.

Toto:

I gave my husband prunes after his surgery worked like a charm!

[in walks PD]

Toto: [to PD]

Didn’t your husband have problems with his bowel movements after his surgery?

PD:
Yes, it was because of the Vicodin but I gave him prunes—

Toto:

There you go! Eat some prunes and you’ll be hitting the toilet soon there after!

As you may notice, I only have one sentence in this bizarre play because I was freakin speechless!!!!!!

Every time I went to use the ladies’ room they would ask “Well? Did you do it??”

Does anybody like talking about their lack of pooping adventures?? I don’t think so! Oh wait…

So I called Andy and asked him to stop at the store and buy me some prunes. Why did I ask Andy? Because me and grocery stores do not get along.

Andy couldn’t find the prunes at the first store he went and was too shy to ask. He was successful at the second store. Yay!

When I got home from work, he stood by the counter and showed me the prune prize, uh, not what you’re thinking m’kay? He then asked “How many do you have to eat?”

Bee:

I don’t know. They just went on and on about me eating prunes but they never said how many.

Andy:

Are there instructions on the container?

Bee:

I don’t think there is. How weird would it be if it said, ‘if you are having trouble going poopy, eat 6 prunes and you’ll be unplugged in a flash!’.

Andy:

How many are you going to eat then?

Bee:

Six sounds about right.

Then he stands there while I’m eating them and decides to try one. Then he has another one and then another one… I gave him the hairy eyeball because I don’t need to be fighting for the bathroom! (yes we do have 3 bathrooms but neither he nor I like using the other 2).

I made dinner (if you can call opening a can of soup and then heating it up, making dinner) and sat down to eat. I felt a thunderstorm going on in my tummy so I went to the loo. As soon as I walked out, Andy started with his chant “did you go? did you go? did you go? did you go?” ::sigh::!

To make matters weirder, I got this email.

Soooo does anybody have any suggestions? Go ahead and ask everybody you know and then tell them Bee has pooping issues. Everybody else seems to know about them.

Humor-Blogs

Sit, stay- DON'T WIGGLE!

I was thinking the other day, I know SHOCKING, trying to remember details of my potting training. Was it easy? Did I catch on quick? Did they give me a cookie when I made pee-pee in the potty?

I'm sure I was a fast learner and did brilliantly! After all, I'm an expert potty goer now. It's true, ask anyone.

The reason I was wondering is because Scarecrow fell off the pot the other day. She's got a good 20 years on me so it stands to reason that she would know what she's doing by now.

Granted, the toilet lid was wobbly because it only had one screw left (that's what he said!) but it's been like that for at least 3 years.

When she walked back into the office and exclaimed "I fell off the toilet!" and after I was able to breathe and control my laughter, I did ask her what the hell she had been doing to fall off the damn thing, wiggling? I mean, it's not a bucking bronco or one of those electric bulls you see in jean knee's bars so the dismount shouldn't be too difficult.

You already have your feet on the floor, hopefully, imagining gravity is around your butt area at the moment, you should only have to shift your center of gravity forward slightly to stand up. She's a skinny little thing so it's not as if she had to shift hundreds of pounds from one side to the other.

I'm no scientist and I'm sure the mathematician reading this might explain gravity better than I, but I've used those facilities with no unfortunate incidents (other than the usual encounters with the pig ladies who do not clean up after themselves)(hope you weren't eating). Then again, I'm very aware of my center of gravity and try to work with it?… or against it?... with I think… whatever! I do the one that doesn't have me falling off the gotdang pot!

She was a tad upset with me because I couldn't stop laughing but what is a girl to do? A girl with normal feelings and a desire to mock those around her. I think she was just being selfish in trying to curtail my fun.

I know I should be nice to her since she recently had open heart surgery but that was like 2 months ago. I'm sure she's fine now! Besides, it builds character and ultimately helps you heal. She should be thanking me, really.

I know you're jealous that I have all these awesome little happenings in my place of work but sometimes the powers that BE take pity on your poor, stepped upon soul and give you a few good pieces of material that have you salivating and wondering why you can't post live via live web cam.

It's something I've thought about but after hearing my voice when brother Dan and I did a duet to Sweet Child o' Mine, let's just say that tape was stepped on, burned and then fed to piranhas with a fixation for toxic chemicals.

My voice, while awesome to hear live, does not translate well into the airwaves. And Dan's is even worse. He sounds like a bagpipe on speed. He'll deny it though.

P.S.

Yes, I know gravity is everywhere. I did the whole water in a bucket and then swinging it around experiment too, centrifugal force I think it was, if you come here to learn things... SHAME ON YOU!

Humor-Blogs

You know how they suggest you shouldn't talk about religion or politics in the work place?

Here is another topic that should be off limits.

I was whining about the fact that I can't seem to lose weight (too much good food out there) when Milton (female) asked, "When do you weigh yourself?" I said first thing in the morning.

Then I was walked down a road I hadn't known existed and frankly would have been happy ending my life without being made aware of it.

Milton:
I weigh myself naked first thing in the morning then again after my bowel movement then again after I take a shower. It usually gives me a varying weight of about 2 pounds.

… … … … …

When I picked myself off the floor, I noticed a bump on my head. Sadly, it didn't make me forget what I had just learned.

♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•

You know how I'm always saying rainbows and butterflies follow me around wherever I go? Check this perfect rainbow inside my house.

You will never doubt me again, will you?

I decided not to live blog my birthday. I'm going to have a busy day and not even I can type so many swear words that quickly.

I have one favor to ask. It's little, minuscule, wee!

Click on the box below to vote for your favorite blogger. (ME!) See? I'm cheap! In case you are looking for me, I am in the *Personal Life* category.
Men, I leave you with Heidi Klum. (Just want you to know I felt a little dirty watching that video.)(then I got up and ate some cake)(which explains why I can't lose weight)



humor-blogs

Tighty Whities Should Be Outlawed Under Penalty of No More Fun For Your Goody Bits!

Hey!

Quick reminder.


I, Bee Lastname, am NOT a doctor, nurse, physician's assistant, physical therapist, radiologist, candy striper (or Candy the Stripper who moonlights as a hooker) or any other titled profession you can think of that needs to see you without pants.



I am simply an overworked business office chick who demands money from insurance companies and lawyers. Just because I have the dual language thing going for me that gives me the extreme pleasure of translating for my non English speaking paisanos, this little skill does not -DOES NOT- give you the right to flash your saggy tighty whities in my face while showing off your chicken legs. No!

Grab the back of the gown and be ashamed of your body like the rest of us!

Now I need to go bleach out my eyes.






Unless... you're a really hot guy (same rule applies as the boob grabbing)(remember the boob grabber??) and let's be real here people! When, oh when, would I ever be that lucky?

Here's something else I found out yesterday. People like squirrels!!! Don't you know how vicious they are? Sure, they can look all cute and cuddly but I can tell you with certainty because I live in a forest-like area, they are horrible little creatures that would snack on your eyes if you fall asleep on a hammock.




If that doesn't scare you, how about if they took your BEER???


It's for the good of humanity!

Humor-Blogs

Just when you thought it was safe to eat bagels…

Hmmm... somebody put this banner on my wall at work. It's probably just a coincidence??

We had our regular Thursday staff meeting this morning where Milton announced she had brought bagels (it was her week to bring treats and she always brings bagels), but she wanted us to do her a favor.

If you are at all familiar with my Milton, you will know 2 things:

She is a female.

She is weird.

This was her favor.

"When you guys use the cream cheese, can you remove the top layer bit by bit and not use chunks from the middle or edges?"

… What?

"I know it's an odd request but I like to keep the cream cheese as esthetically pleasing to the eye as possible and not have craters along the container."

… That's funny, I like for it to be pleasing to my tummy.

"I know you guys are going to be making fun of me behind my back for this request but I don't care as long as you do as I ask"

… No, I will mock you to your front too:

"Don't worry Milton, I'll go and level it out after each person uses it!"

Sadly, people are heartless and did horrible things to the poor cream cheese! It was too late to use my trusty level. :o(

Bastards.

Humor-Blogs

Oh Gahndi! Will you be my bodygaurd? I know you're dead but I'm sure we can work something out.

As I type this, it's a beautiful evening in Chicagoland. The kind I love and look forward to every year. I'm sitting next to the open window (don't tell Andy, he'll yell if he finds out I opened it again) letting the cool breeze freeze my toes. Our trees seem to be glowing from the fall colors and I know what this weekend's chores will be, picking up soggy leaves and burning the dry branches. Fall? Te adoro!

After reading that, you are probably thinking "Oh good! Bee's in a great mood and it's about time! I'm tired of her constantly w h i n i n g!"

Yeah, dream a little dream, people!

Do you guys know who Gandhi was? Apparently he was some dude who was always peaceful and I believe he won a peace prize for not losing his shit (I can't be bothered to look him up so if you know more about him and I got any of it wrong, don't correct me because you'll only anger the beast)(thanks). Well, even that guy would go apeshit at the Asylum. He would probably hide under people's desks and slash their ankles with a sharpened calculator! … Not that I've EVER thought of doing that… nope.

Went bat* huntin' and...

Weirdly, my relationship with the attorneys I have to deal with has gotten better. I don't know if word has gotten out about my MAD negotiating skillz or what but I now get nice, even tempered requests to go fuck myself as opposed to those rage filled tirades. I call that progress! Yay me!

You know what I've learned here at Arkham Asylum and will be careful not to repeat when I find another job? Now listen up people because this is very important. Your mental well being might hinge on this piece of information I'm about to impart. Are you ready?

No mater what— NO MATTER WHAT!!! Never EVER volunteer to do anything!
.
If you are trying to fit in and have people think you are one of the good guys STOP!
Let's say you just started working at a place and they just opened a Subway across the lot and your Office Manager asks if anyone would mind going across to get the boss a sandwich, do not (NO!) DO NOT take pity on the old decrepit crones and say "Oh, I'll go.".

If you do, you will forever be known as the dog who goes and fetches. And the times you say no? Woo boy! It'll be like you just told them you filled their gas tank with sugar.

If, for example, your job description does not say you have to relieve the receptionist but you think "Meh, I should volunteer so that everybody is equally watching the front desk. What can it hurt?"

For the love of peaches!! STOP!!

What will happen is that they will EXPECT you to KNOW everything there is about that desk. They will EXPECT you to ALWAYS be the one to be her back up even on Fridays.
You remember Fridays, right? The days you are already stressed to your eyelashes because you have to meet with a demanding boss who will give you a list of accounts that'll have you scurrying and then just want to talk about how nutritious Cheerios are. Really? Lower your cholesterol you say? May reduce the chances of a heart attack or heart disease.

Well, sign me up for a fuckin boatload there sparky because MY heart is doing all kinds of funny things right now! Oh what pretty dots I see.

FUCKERS!

Uh, but I'm not bitter.

*Bats is what I call all some of my coworkers.
.
Humor-Blogs

P.S.
My 36th birthday is rapidly approaching. It hopped on a jet and will be landing on my head faster than I can say "What The Fu-"!
.
(THAT'S THE BIG THREE SIX PEOPLE!)
Last year, I started bitching about it in August. You've been lucky so far.

I can't think of a freakin title so make one up once you read this post. Thanks for playing!

Okay.
There are some people in the blogusphere that brag they have the best commentators in the world.

I would have to disagree and say I have the best ones in the world/solar system/galaxy/universe... INFINITY! If those same fake claimers give me any grief, I'll have to bitch slap them into seeing it my way.

You guys never cease to amaze me. The comments on my last post (HILARIOUS!!! YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE BLOGS! ... Oh.) prove to me you are heartless and have no sympathy for those less socially fortunate than us. I like that about you! :o)

I need to explain why I felt crappy about not putting any extra effort into signing Milton’s card.

It took me back to school, when the unpopular kid wouldn’t get an invite to the popular kids’ parties. I think I’ve said before how I never chose friend’s based on popularity or what cool gadgets they could bring into our friendship.

(ALTHOUGH... I do remember walking off in a huff with my volleyball one time because I got mad at my best friends for not letting me be Kelly, THE Kelly from Charlie’s Angels? But I was only about 7 or 8 at the time.)

I know she felt as if I was excluding her from my *click* when I didn’t mean to do any such thing. I really didn’t think much of it. I didn't know they talked about the nutty things I wrote on their cards because half the time I don’t even remember what the hell I’ve just written.

If somebody draws first blood (hee hee RAMBO reference) I have no problem switching gears to Mondo Bitch but I would never purposely hurt someone’s feelings. As inconsequential as the little message would have been, it did upset her. Sooo, I will be keeping my douche award thank you very much.

But!!!

I appreciate all of you fellow loonies making me feel better! If not for my anti-social personality added to that the fact that I don't like to be touched -or touch people for that matter, I'd give you all a handshake.

By the way, I’m not trying to imply I’m the popular kid here at Arkham Asylum… hmmm, I guess I am. I can’t help being this cool. Also, I have no *clicks* at work, I am the Alpha chick, the lone wolf(-ess?), I drink alone (youtube).

Do you know what Karma’s payback was? I tried to think of what I would have written and I couldn’t think of a gotdang thing! I lost my MOJO!

This is all I could come up with:

It’s a good thing you’re an account, after this birthday, you’ll need your degree to count that high!

I'm so ashamed!

♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀

And now for some more marital bliss entitled "I see more chocolate in my future"

(The following took place after I told Andy the whole family was coming over for a visit.)

Andy:
I’ll be home at 5 or so. I hope I can get in the driveway.

Bee:
You’ll probably be home before anybody else gets there.

Andy:
If not, I’m parking my car in front of Dan’s and he’ll just have to sleep over. “Yeah, how do you like that, Dan? Want some eggs for breakfast?”

Bee:
Hey! How come you never offer me eggs?

Andy:
You’re not a guest.

Bee:
What if I leave you and come back for a visit?

Andy:
You might find you’ve been replaced!

Bee:
… … …

Andy:
So. Um. Hello? I meant by Mocha. She would take over your side of the bed. That’s all I meant. I didn’t mean, you know. I was just…

Bee:
… … …

Andy:
So, do you want to go to a movie this weekend? Buy some plants? Shoes???

Sometimes, the most dangerous weapon is silence.
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