Monday, December 31, 2007

I refuse to be bullied into getting a life!

Sacrebleu !!

"Anonymous said...
I find it offensive that you are over dramatizing your stomach flu when there are real people in the world suffering from terminal illnesses. You've had discomfort for a couple of days. So what? How about you get a life!
December 30, 2007 3:56 PM

Does that mean "Sacred Blood"? Cuz I was going for "Holy Shit".

Dear anonymous, if the subliminal message I was sending with my last post was, "I have no sympathy for terminally ill people" I apologize.

The message I was trying to send but must have taken the wrong notes on "Subliminal Messaging 101" was: "Send me money."

I wonder if I misplaced a comma? That can make a world of a difference!

Anyway, won't you feel silly when you find out that I was at the brink of death. Will you feel bad when I tell you something happened to me that nearly made my eyes roll to the back of my head forever? Will I have your sympathy then? Because I really really want it.

Well, I'm gonna take my chances and tell you, hoping that you came back of course.

You see, even though I was better on Saturday, I still couldn't have the food I usually stuff myself with. Then!! Andy decided to order from my favorite pizza place (Giordano's) and order the most de-lish pizza in the world. When the aroma started floating to my little nose... [excuse me a second, I'm having a relapse ::shiver::]

Sorry about that, when I smelled the pizza, I nearly died knowing I couldn't have any!!


Don't worry, you don't have to leave me an anonymous apology. I know you feel terrible.

......movin' on.......

Well, I had plans to tell you guys that I have now put Archibald the Ugly out on the curb but I ran out of time!!

I also wanted to wish you guys a:

Happy New Year!!

But now I'm distracted.

Just so you guys know, 2008 is the year of the rat. Yours truly will have an awesome year! (Anonymous, that means: I. will. have. an. awesome. year.)

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Things I learned while on my deathbed part DEUX.

Isn’t it amazing how I can milk a 24-ish hour stomach flu?
Anyway… as much as I love my hub-bub, I’ve come to the conclusion that when I’m sick, I’d rather sleep alone. Not only for my sake but for his too, you know it’s not like me to be selfish!
The night of my near death experience, I kept tossing and turning unable to find a comfortable position and bumping into pointy knees and elbows didn’t help the situation one little bit.
Then, each time I got up to endure the most horrible pain imaginable, (nay-sayers shush! I don’t want to hear about your root canals! Maybe you shouldn’t eat so much crap and brush your teeth more often!) Andy would ask me if I was okay.
While I appreciate the concern now, at that moment in time, I wanted to inform him I just broke 3 ribs and suffered a concussion but otherwise every thing was peaches and cream.
All I wanted to do, and did once he left for work the next morning, was alternately lie in the fetal position and the starfish position bemoaning my fate.
I mean… what? You don’t know what the starfish position is? That’s when you lie in the middle of the bed with your arms and legs outstretched touching each corner of the mattress (since I’m short, I can either touch the top 2 corners or bottom 2 corners, never both at the same time… no, I can't really but I pretend I can). It’s the same position of making a snow angel, got it? Good!
Anywho… Love Ya Babe but maybe we should think about buying a sofa-sleeper, price is no object since I’d like you to be super comfy.

Andy's suggestion for feeling better.
"I think you should eat a big piece of steak. Something that will take a while to digest not something soupy that's easier to come back up."
---Right because I want to choke on a big piece of steak as it makes it's way back up my esophagus! Good going Dr. Andy!

Meanwhile (the next day) back at the office,
I was treated like a pariah!
It had its benefits since people didn’t want to be in the same room as me in case my bubonic plague infected them too.
I coughed allot, on purpose since it’s not one of my symptoms.
The only bad thing about that was that each fake cough caused excruciating- debilitating-grinding-your-teeth rib pain.
The things one must endure to rattle the bat cages.

Conversation with attorney labeled:
“Not your dog”

Attorney: [angry. surprised?]
It’s about time I get a return call! I left you 5 messages since Wednesday.

Bee: [polite. surprised?]
I apologize, I was out of the office until today. Regarding- [cut off]

Is there nobody else that handles these issues when you’re not there? Sometimes we need an answer right away!

Bee: [still polite, slowly losing IT!]
You’ve left the messages on my voicemail, not the company voicemail. No one checks my voice mail except me. Regarding- [cut off]

You should develop a system! Have your messages forwarded somewhere so you know to call them back right away!

Bee: [LOST IT!]
Oh, okay. Be at people’s beck and call you mean? Sure no problem I’ll bill my time the same way you do!
Now, did you or did you not want info on this account? How about you call me back when you're ready to talk business instead of WASTING MY TIME TELLING ME HOW MUCH TIME YOU'VE WATSED WAITING FOR MY CALL!

[I hang up, risky move you say? but there's a payoff. 30 seconds later my phone rings.]

Attorney: [nice]
Can you please tell me what the open balance on this account is?

Bee: [nicer]
I'd be happy to.


Friday, December 28, 2007

As "They" say: Payback is a bitch!

Don't you sometimes wonder who "they" are? Doesn't matter I guess because in this case "they" are right!

The payback for all my sins in 2007 (a little early I would say, there are still 4 days left in the year and I could do allot of damage in 4 days) was in the form of gut wrenching vomiting.
Hope you're not eating!
I was at the brink of death with a blinding red light shining behind my eyes (yeah it was red, did you think it would be white?)!

I came home at 2:30 pm on Wednesday went to bed at 3 and slept (with moments of puking in between) until 2:00 pm Thursday.
I got up, did some cleaning, took a shower, had some soup and then went back to sleep waking up again at 9:00 pm!

Who the hell sleeps that much?

Since I like learning from the horrible things that happen to me, I'm gonna tell you what I learned.


I can actually go more than 24 hours without eating and not die.
I'm surprised too! I always thought that I'd start wasting away to nothingness if I didn't eat every 6 hours or so. You can almost see my ribs! Almost. (if you squint your eyes and tilt your head sideways)

The last thing I ate was Chilaquiles (cut up tortillas fried with salsa and cheese mmmm) made by my sister. I've discovered that they taste just as good coming up as they did going down. Only... a little bit spicier. Weird.

You can simultaneously swear, vomit, slam your head against the medicine cabinet, hit your knee and have razor blades in your stomach without passing out. Good thing cuz I've never been a fan of sleeping on bathroom floors. Not saying I've never done it, just not a fan.

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho it's back to work I go!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The day after

All he wanted to do, after a long stressful day, was to take a bath and relax. Little did he know Prancer was looking for easy money and would sell his secret to the tabloids!


Below is a video of my favorite song of the season.
"Baby it's cold outside"
The best version is the Dean Martin one but this will be second on my list. It's amazing how a song we sing every year can be so psychotically twisted! Trust me when I say you will never listen to this song the same ever again! I'll wait for you right here while you watch it.

Wasn't it freaky-funny? No!? What do you know? You're sitting there reading this blog! ;o)
Hope you had a Happy Holiday and Santa overlooked your naughtiness!
I know he overlooked mine or maybe he just gave me someone else's gifts...
As many of you know, there are subjects that are off limits by royal decree of King Husband Andy. I just wanted to tell you guys of the reception we received Christmas Day at his parent's house.
Let me set the scene for you.
Bee and Andy running 15 minutes late due to Bee's migraine and inability to raise her head higher than an inch at a time and then having to take a shower hoping to dispel some of the cackling hyenas in her head (although there really should be no need for an excuse to take a shower!).
Father in law opening the door for innocent-unsuspecting-never-snarky-Bee-and-Andy.
Bee an Andy:
Merry Christmas!!
Father in law:
I thought you'd never get here! We were about to start without you! Everything is on the table!
Well you should have started without us.
We were! [walking into kitchen]

Bee to Andy:
First thing on Christmas morning?? WHAT. THE .FUCK!!
The end.
Not really the end, I'd tell you more but my hands are tied by L-o-v-e!

Homework: New year resolutions (other than losing weight)(maybe if I don't resolve to lose weight this year, my body and mind will be fooled into losing weight!).

Monday, December 24, 2007

Don't Let Santa Drink Alone...

As my Holiday gift to you, I have changed my template.
No need to thank me or send me money, unless you really want to!

Come walk with me so I can give you a guided tour.

Up above the world so high, it tells you to look at the sidebar for answers.
The sidebar also holds a few Testy-Moan-ials.
People that love me, hate me, are indifferent to me or want to buy me shoes.

You'll also find links to people that are funnier than your average bear. They might make your day if you click on them! My archives are there of course, along with a whole bunch of miscellaneous stuff. I think that's it... oh yeah! Please click on Yo-Yo.
And now for some Q&A from beesmusings@gmail e-mail:
Why do you refer to the people in your office as Wizard of Oz characters? Why are Milton and PD different?
-1) It started with OZ. He is an unusual man who thinks he is the "be all and end all" of our existence. He'll only speak to a chosen few (lucky me, I'm one of 'em!). If we ever want to meet with him, we have to request an audience before he'll even think about letting us share his air space. These weirdnesses reminded me of The Wizard of Oz. The others just fit into their characters.
-2) Milton reminded me of the Office Space "Milton" character who hated change and fought for his stapler (he got it, then burned his office building.) Purple Dino-SOUR loves purple and will wear an all purple outfit occasionally. BD called her Barney one time so it just evolved from that. And she can be pretty SOUR!
Who would you be?
Still don't know but I'm rooting for the Wicked Witch!
Why do you call the ladies in your office "The Bats" instead of the "Flying Monkeys"?
That one is easy! I like monkeys! :o)

Sunday, December 23, 2007


Thanks for the picture NCS! Don't we look groovy? Andy Elf has boobies. (THEY LOOK BETTER THAN MINE!)

Due to some constructive criticism, I've decided to change the template of my blog.
Don't be surprised if you come on over and find me in my pajamas, adding and removing... stuff. (See how technical I can get?)
Anyway, here are a few I'm thinking about.
Red Swirls Red Swirls 2 Swinging Banshee (probably not but I liked the name) Release Me.
Santa came early-
Interesting thing we saw today while coming back from the dreaded grocery store:
A kid (probably late teens) learning to ride a Unicycle on a busy street with no paved sidewalks!
Times we thought he was going to end up being grape juice: SEVEN!
How many of you can say you've seen someone on a Unicycle (outside of a circus or movie)? Jealous?

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Professional Stroker

Ego stroker that is! (get yo' mind outta the gutter!)

I had my meeting with OZ and had nothing to bring cuz I was blogging ALL day! Saying it loud and proud!

Anyway, his last patient was at 2:45 so we were able to meet right away.

I shined up my gap toothed smile so I could shmooze him... oh, you didn't know I had a gap in between my 2 front teeth? I do.
I've been told it's cute, could be a lie to get something from me (gum! sheesh!). It's kind of like Madonna's gap only not that big (we are still talking about her teeth, let's stay focused!). I think she fixed hers... hold on while I check.

AAAAGGH! Can you believe there's a blog about teeth gaps??? Here

Then I found this: "In medieval times, gapped teeth in a woman were considered a sign that she was...*ahem*...sexually promiscuous." WTF!!

Forget what I was gonna say it's not important anymore!
Quick Bat Update:
Milton came in to work saying she wasn't feeling well so she'd "close the day" (she has the power to take us from yesterday to today) and go home. Since everybody is mad at everybody, Glynda went around the office saying in the loudest voice possible "Make sure you wash your hands often, Milton is sick and should have stayed home!"

Wasn't that mean of her?? I don't know what the world is coming to! ;o)

Bee original joke:

Where is Santa doing his shopping?

Craigslist! Ho Ho Ho!

Okay, that probably only has me in stitches!

Don't forget to clicky on Humor-Blogs for me!
I go up and then down, up and then down... kinda like my weight in real life!
Ha! I'm gonna put the thing on the sidebar and name it Yo-Yo!

If you're thinking I'm lame right now... I don't blame you.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Have you beat anybody today? Time is running out!!

This here is my Christmas present from Andy.
<-pomegranate/cranberry n' vodka mmm (no, he didn't give me the booze)

This marks the first year he's buying me something without me telling him exactly what I want.
I think he's nervous I might not like what he got me [so cute!].
Me, I'm dying to find out what it is! DYING!
I've shaken it (it's obviously smaller than the box, doesn't rattle), put it up against the light (cannot see thru cardboard), smelled it (smells like paper), tried to figure out what it could be by weight (weighs less than a pound)...
He threatened not to give it to me until Christmas Day at his parent's house [YIKES!] but I lovingly convinced him I should open it on Christmas Eve when we celebrate at my brother's house.

::sigh:: Is it Monday yet?

At least this will keep my mind occupied while at work! :o)

I have a question. Is it weird to buy your significant other cologne/perfume that any of your family members use?

For example, I love how Aqua de Gio smells. Love it! But both my brothers have it. They're the last people I want to think about when I get close to Andy...



Okay, now for some homework. Please click on Humor Blogs for me.

Then go to EWBL's blog and vote "No for Huey" That's "N-O! For Huey" If you're gonna vote "yes", please don't vote cuz we're trying to over-throw the current reigning tyrant! ;o)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Holidays, you've pushed me over the edge...

It has been Hell here at the Asylum. Why, you ask? Oh, you didn't ask...?
The following are 2 simple suggestions to drive a coworker batty-er.
As I’ve told you all, Milton is… obsessive compulsive about EVERYTHING. Waste is one of the things that irks her more than words can describe.
She’ll take home hard stale coffee cake, moldy cheese, slimy turkey/ham (hungry yet?) etc.
She’ll use her pencil to the last sliver of lead.
One time Glynda was going to throw out some diet coke that had been sitting in a 2 liter container for months, she took it home to drink with her dinner. Then admitted she didn’t even like diet coke.
Anyway, to amuse myself, I did the following things to see what reactions I would get.

How to drive a tight wad insane:
I had a penny that had seen better days so I said out loud
“Gross! I’m throwing this penny away cuz it’s icky!” I swiveled around to throw it out in the waste basket behind my desk.
It took Milton half a second to get out of her chair and kneeling by my garbage can!!
She shouted (literally SHOUTED!) “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON’T THROW IT OUT!” and proceeded to dig thru my garbage can to find the elusive penny.
Elusive why?
Because I threw a paperclip in the garbage and not the penny.
What am I stupid?
A penny is a penny and if you have 100 that makes a dollar, if you have 1,000 that makes… hold on a second 1 x 1,000 = 1,000 carry the decimal point… $10.00?? TEN DOLLARS for a minute there I almost got carried away and moved the decimal point to the right! ::phew!:: Uh, yeah... what was I saying?? --
She went thru every little piece of folded paper to find that penny, mumbling the whole time. I had to ask her to move twice because she was in my way. She finally had to give up and take her sad dejected body back to her desk… poor Milton.
Did she ever dream her life would end up at the bottom of my garbage can? Probably not but that’s what she gets for not ordering me my coke last Thursday.
Put a makeshift parameter around your desk with this sign:

Unfortunately, I used the weird holey thingys from our printer until I can come up with something more sturdy.
I kept calling Milton and asking her questions knowing she was dying to stand an inch away from my shoulder but was unable to because of my perforated paper fence.
She would take a step forward then slowly back away. I will call it the “OCD Shuffle” Step forward, hemhaw, do a little shake, back away-back away.
We, as a human race, learn to adapt to situations/surroundings. She finally figured out a specific spot where she could stand and point her long ET finger at the papers in front of me. She is the smarter of the bats, I’m so proud of her!
**Remember! Once you start feeling sorry for them, it stops being funny!**
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Ladies and gents, let's not forget this is the season to love and forgive your fellow man, woman and other.
Those that have aggrieved you will be enjoying the Holiday celebration while you’re fermenting your anger.
This is my Orpa moment:
I suggest you go to them. Ask for a moment of their time. Get close enough for a hug. Yeah, that’s it! Get closer and…

If they fall while you’re beating them, don’t be afraid to use your feet.

That is the only way you can spread the pain of the season and in return make yourself feel joy! Love, Bee.

<--This is for Andy
Nobody takes Chuck Norris' cookies!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Greeks strike again!

Only instead of using a wooden horse they came at us with such delicacies as Gyro makings, Spanakopita (spinach pie), garlic spread, Greek bread and salad. This was brought to us by a Greek Surgeon who has some partnership with OZ. Unfortunately, he brought the food after everyone but me had eaten. You can imagine the fight to divide the yummy food!
This one doesn't like spinach so wants more gyro meat.-Denied!
This one wants to take a bag of salad.-Denied!
This one doesn't want garlic spread but wants extra bread.-Denied!
Finally, as acting Kitchen Marm for this week, I made the decision to keep the food in the fridge and not have people take any home. Right now, you're wondering if I have that power. I guess I do but I won't let it go to my head. [much!]
They are to eat it in the office only! Take that you beastly bats! Ha Ha Ha!
The look on their faces was priceless!
We now interrupt your regularly schedule nonsense blogus to bring you the following sports word:
Now, I'm not a sports fan.
I listen to my brothers and Andy go on and on while I'm rearranging my shoe collection in my head. I'm happy when our home teams win but normally I can't be bothered. But... this time I have an opinion.
Andy was going to watch the Chicago Bears game on Monday night when this dude by the name of Tony Kornheiser (Oh the things we could do to that cornball name!) came on and berated the Bears by saying they thought their opponents would cower in fear just by looking at their uniforms and all they had to do was show up.
He then claimed what the Bears had was hubris (according to my research it's: exaggerated self pride or self-confidence; overbearing pride, often resulting in fatal retribution) as I said, I am not a sports fan but I said to Andy: "What a pompous asshole!" I immediately looked up his name along with the word hubris and was surprised (no, not really.) to find he had written the same thing about Bode Miller on 2/27/06.
So, not only is he a pompous asshole, he's a pompous asshole that recycles his own garbage! Big hand of applause to Tony Kornhieser [<-click if you'd like to read his 2006 article] for not having enough creativity to write something original therefore resorting to recycling his horse shit! Nuff said.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
!!--- I can't!---!!
I'm so ticked off by that guy I can't see straight!
Instead, I'm gonna congratulate the Chicago Cubs for signing a new player from Japan. He has a difficult name to pronounce so I'd like to help you in case you ever have to say it while using the word "hubris". You can consider this a sports PSA.

That there name should be in the Hall of Fame along with Dick Butkus!
Famous Bear linebacker according to wiki. I was just informed Dick Butkus is in the hall of fame... oops! ;o)
Okey dokey, I'm done for the night. We have now talked about Greek food, Greek Words, Pompous A-holes and Sports. I'm off to watch Superman Doomsday (cartoon) with Andy.
I read the comic (forced by Andy) and cried because... LOOK AWAY IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE ENDING! Superman... DIES! ::sniff sniff::
Raise your hand if you hate Lois Lane!
Wow, just me huh...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Weekend Recap.

The hub-bub had his Christmas party on Friday.
I used to go with him but it would be me and the owner's wife as the only females so I stopped going about 3 years ago. Andy doesn't frequent bars so I always suggest he stay as long as he wants. This Friday was no different, he just has 3 simple rules:
1) Don't drink and drive. If you're over served, give me a call and we'll go get you.
2) Don't flirt with any women. Remember there is a death penalty with that one.
3) Don't flirt with any men. Because... just don't.
See? Simple.
His dinner party was at 7:00 pm and since I was having fun with my brothers, sister and sister-in-law, I hadn't realized what time it was until after they left.
10:15. TEN-FIFTEEN???
Okay, just relax and give him a call. 5 rings and his voicemail. Okay, just send him a text. "Still sober?" Wait 10 minutes, maybe it's loud at the restaurant.
15 minutes later still nothing.
***side bar***
Am I being weird? Yes, but that is part of my nuttiness... I become paranoid when I can't get ahold of my peeps.
This one time, I had the whole family on a search party throughout Chicagoland because I couldn't get ahold of my mom. She was at mass...
At 10:30, I started calling him every couple of minutes.
The cold sweat started, I could picture him in a ditch somewhere... the minutes were dragging! I remembered every mean thing I've said to him.
Oh, my poor Andy! By this time it was 10:57, then 10:58, then 10:59... you get the picture!
FINALLY!! At 11:15, he calls to tell me he's okay, they were at the bar part of the restaurant, it was loud blah blah blah. I was happy of course but a little pissed he never thinks about calling me when it's late knowing what a psycho I am!
I didn't yell at him, I told him to stay longer and to give me a call when he was on his way, I went to bed.

I know men and women are different. If I'm running really late, I call him but he usually doesn't even realize what time it is or that I'm late because he's killing troll-orcs. I call him anyway, you know, just in case he worries one day.
Can you believe he actually enjoys his Christmas parties????? I wonder what that would be like?
On Saturday morning, he dragged me to the bank with him. I was still in my pajamas but he insisted I go. I stayed in the car and played a game on my cellphone. For some reason he took forever and people kept going into the bank but not coming out.
My nuttiness came out again so I started envisioning bank robbers keeping them hostage.
Now what am I going to do? I'm in my PJs and slippers!
Okay, if he doesn't come out after I finish this game, I'll sneak over there ninja style and see what I can do to save the day!
Andy walked out about a minute later so I never got to test out my Ninja skills.
When I told him what I was thinking he said:
"What the hell were you gonna do? I can picture you standing by the bank door in your PJs and everybody looking at me! What would I say then?"
"Uhm... that's when you deny you know me! I'd do the same for you."
He also thanked me for not going into action until after I finished my game.
If you you don't believe I would have gone to save my Andy, you don't know me very well... ;o)
Later that evening, it snowed (white-out blizzard style with a total of about 8 inches from Friday to Sunday) so I was stuck in the house with nothing to do but watch TV.
Among my channel surfing, I came upon Sada Punjab television which had some "awesome" singers. Jasbir Jasi and Satwinder Bitti (Who? I don't know them either but they seemed pretty famous). I know every nationality has their music and I'm not making fun of it, it's just interesting. The woman singer had on Indian clothing and was doing a veil dance, I think it was a veil dance because they kept putting more clothes on her. When they panned into the audience it was all men in the first few rows and the women were in the back. I finally changed the channel when Andy came out and asked me what the 'ef I was watching. I think I was hypnotized!
I've put a sample at the bottom of this post in case you want to dance with me.
On Sunday we did more of our Christmas shopping.
One for you, two for me! I found these gorgeous shoes at an awesome price (they're blood red)! What? You don't care about my shoes?
[]<-- Cyber door, walk thru it and don't let it smack your ass on the way out.
Come on! I had to tell you guys about it cuz they're really cool! The picture does not do them justice.

Andy says he's got my Christmas present but won't give me any clues as to what it is. I haven't even decided what I'm buying him. He gave me a list of computer games which means I'm going to have to go to the dreaded Electronic store--Best Buy--! I hate going there!

Geeks tend to flirt with cool chicks! How do I know? I've seen it happen. ;o)

::sigh:: Back to work!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Secret Santa Can Suck It! Year Deux!

-Also, all you bloggers out there, start preparing for Bee's Musing's second annual Secret Santa Can Suck It!* Woohoo! Yeah! More Confetti! With Gold Sparklies!

I know what you're thinking, "Bee, the economy has me rationing my dog's food. Poor Pudgy now goes by the nickname of Slim."

Never fear! This involves absolutely no money at all and the price is as cheap as imagination! Not to imply your imagination is cheap because I know it must cost your employers thousands of dollars while you sit at your desk and imagine yourself rich, sitting next to a model (man or woman, whatever tickles your fancy), drinking rum out of Brad Pitt's bellybutton.

For those of you who weren't around last year, that's when I picked a blogger out of a hat and assigned him/her to another blogger. And then you tell them what you would have gotten them had you the money and/or you know, cared, you post it on your blog and fun ensues. It is Secret Santa so you can't tell the person you got that you got them because then it's not a secret. That's the other part of the fun. Clicking through the list of participants to see who your Secret Santa is.

... I know it sounds complicated but it's really not.

It was a lot of fun last year but sadly some of the people that participated last year are either no longer blogging or I haven't kept in touch sooooooo! If you want to sign up for it, email me at with the link to your blog.

If you want to check out how it worked last year, click on the Secret Santa Can Suck It! link at the top of the blogus.-

The longest day in history!

It all started with me running late as per usual. They'd already started morning meeting so I caught the last words of Cowardly Lion volunteering us to take on more of Purple Dino-SOUR's workload.
I hadn't even finished punching in when I was already telling everybody they could go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!
I was very uh... clear as to my feelings and the fact that OZ didn't want to pay me more and he didn't want PD to work more hours.
I believe the phrase "He can kiss my ass!" made it into morning meeting for the first time EVER! And if it was said before, it was probably said by me.
Anyway, this set the tone for everybody declaring war on their fellow human being. CL took it personally and started her passive aggressive rampage while I shook my little Elf pin that Natalia gave me at everybody and would laugh like a lunatic when it's legs did a jig!
On to the important business of ordering the dinner for our party.
Since we were paying for it ourselves, we decided that the most economical way to go would be to order pizza. Easy enough you say? You obviously are not familiar with The Asylum.
First we had to fill out some paperwork.

Milton then entered all information into an excel grid and cross referenced to see who was compatible with who.
I was "lucky" enough to have Milton and Glynda as my sharers of delicious Giordano's pizza.
On to the next step right? No. Milton decided she wanted to order enough for her lunch/dinner tomorrow for her and her husband and order a ginormous one. I had to put my foot down (on her face) and tell her a medium would do.

I know what you're thinking right now, "oh, that Bee and her silly tales!"
I wish I was making this stuff up I really do...
Luckily, Glynda agreed with me so she was outvoted.
We'll come back to Milton later.
I innocently went to ask her if she wanted to get coffee while I watched the phones.
Her response:
No coffee then. [I walked away]
She wastes so much time and nobody cares!! I refuse to feel pity for her!!
Bee: [I come back]
Would you rather we felt sorry for you??
[Throws stuff around but there's silence]
After that exchange, whenever she would walk anywhere she would stomp around. Then I saw the most heartbreaking thing ever... SHE REMOVED HER JINGLE BELL NECKLACE!

I could picture her slamming it on her desk saying, "Screw this, I'm not going to be happy today!" Cuz we all know happiness lies in jingle bells!
Poor poor CL...
She sadly missed morning meeting. She said it was because of the trains that got in her way but from the smell of her I think she imagined the trains as she exercised her drinking arm. It's sad but true folks, she reeked of booze and cigarettes!
Anyway, she had called Glynda and said she'd prefer to order from some other restaurant but she would go with the majority. The majority wanted pizza but for some reason Scarecrow did not know the true meaning of "majority rules" and threw a tantrum that would make a 2 year old proud.
"Guaaa I don't want pizza! I wanted a beef sandwich!"
But you can order a beef sandwich from Giordano's
"I don't like it from Giordano's!! Guaa Guaa!"
Toto finally convinced her to have pizza and gave her her pacifier full of booze.
Her final grid was done, she was ready to order when I say.
"Can you order me a soda?"
Well that will complicate the order!
What? What is so complicated? Do you need me to type it into your grid??
I already added everything and know how much everyone owes... I'd hhh-ave to uh... add the... not sure how much it...
FORGET IT!! Why do you have to make EVERYTHING so difficult?!
I suppose I can...
I walked over to Glynda's office closed the door and said,
"I will not participate in next years office party! These ladies are beyond ridiculas! Look at my pin! It's sad now. It's not doing anymore jigs! I was in a good mood for shitsake! And soda complicates the order? How much is it? $1.50? CL thinks she's ruler of the universe, and Scarecrow is making me high just standing next to her! You know, she's probably on to something! Maybe I should go have some bonding moments with her while I guzzle some vodka!"

Glynda was of no help since she was laughing her over-caffeinated butt off at my tragedy.

Nah, it didn't have a saga but this ginormous tree puts Archibald the Ugly to shame... ;o)
My sock gift was hypocritically received! Okay, I also gave her a fancy necklace. I found a box for the crap I gave her at the last minute but I had to take out my snowglobe... :o(

What did I get you ask, well... I got a used book. Yup! Used. CL got me in the secret Santa and even though the limit was $15, I got 'Marley and Me' along with some coffee stains and crinkled pages. The book mark looked new though so that about evens it out right?

Oh yeah, we also managed to get some work done but not much! On to plan my revenge for ruining My Jiggy Elf's Happy Christmas Dinner. He didn't even enjoy the pizza! It gave him heartburn...


Left to right.

Toto, CL, Milton, Scarecrow, PD, Glynda.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Just take me Anti-Literally!

It seems I need to clear up a couple of things in our relationship.
You see, you have a literal mind where as mine is... scatter-no random-no.
Let's just call it Anti-Literal.
As soon as you accept me for me, we will learn to talk to each other in a civilized manner without me having to lose my voice from screaming into my pillow at night. Deal?

Here are some examples:
*When I say ‘I’m starving to death’—No, not really. I’d be able to hibernate every winter and survive just on stored body fat…
*When I say ‘I freakin' had a million Margaritas!’—No, not really. I could try but probably would pass out after 100…
*When I say ‘My car smells like it was used by $2 hookers!’—That one is iffy since sometimes I do rent it out to some hookers, I just don’t know how much they charge.
*When I say ‘I was doing 150 miles an hour on my way to work’—No way is this true, my car only does about 90-95-ish.
*When I say ‘Blech! This tastes like dog crap!’—I’ve never tasted dog crap (while conscience).
*When I say ‘I twisted his arm into saying yes’—No no no, not really. I never ever use violence as a form of torture to make people agree with me.
*When I say ‘It’s so windy I just saw a house fly by!’—I guess if I was living in Kansas it could happen but if a house flew by my window, you'd see my back end hightailing it out the back door, I wouldn't stop to say anything.
*When I say ‘Shut the hell up before I beat you!’—Well… that one could be taken literally.
Does this make me a liar?
No, it does not.
Should you take me seriously?
If you have any you'd like to add, be my guest.
Alrighty, let's move on!

So... tonight is my staff office party. Just the rabid bats in their Snowman/Santa/Reindeer sweaters and their Holiday jewelry.

I had PD in the secret Santa. I, of course, went all out and bought her socks! [Woohoo!! SOCKS!]
I also don't have wrapping paper... I'm currently walking around looking for something I can use. I wish I was as crafty as jean knee...
Why don't I go buy some before work? Nah... that would make me late(er)!
Cross your fingers they give me good blogging material cuz that's the only thing I'm looking forward to.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Holiday Illnesses-eseses

I had plans for an extremely funny post.

It was gonna have you on the floor rolling around with your dust bunnies and pistachio shells, or is that just at my house??

Anywho, instead I had a near death experience in that I slammed my head thru my motherboard (of my laptop in case you were wondering) out of sheer anger at the ignorant statements people make.

You know, people that judge you, think they're better than you and are condescending know it alls that really don't know it all.

As a side note, I think Andy was going thru the same thing in Wizard War Land cuz I kept hearing things like "Stop c*ck blocking! F*ck you! What!? I NEED SOME HELP HERE!!" Yeah, I guess those games are pretty serious! [me shaking my head doing the "he's cuckoo" thing in a circular motion with my finger] But! He says he doesn't swear as much as I say so I was probably imagining it.

**By the way the reason for the "*" is that my blog is rated NC-17 and I'm afraid what the next rating might be!

Uh... anyway, I came up with a good reason to work in a doctor's office. It turns out it's the only little fringe benefit I have since we are not getting a bonus this year. Are you ready? It's pretty awesome.

Free old magazines that I take from the recycle bin.


Did you know that Brad Pitt and Jeniffer Aniston broke up??!!
He's now with Angelina Jolie!
-Oh no!
Luther Vandross died!
-Oh well, I at least still have Lou Rawls...

Please click on the You Tube screen thingy below. It shows the way men act when they've got the sniffles. So true to life.

If you think that I'll have the extremely funny post tomorrow... let's just hope I can remove my sense of humor from the "F" key.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Rockin' Older Lady + You Hear It Here First-New Diet Trend

On Friday I went into the woman's bathroom and had to wipe the toilet seat AGAIN then layer it with TP. I was washing my hands when an older lady walked in, I told her to be careful and line the seat since it had been filthy. Her response was PRICELESS!!

Older Lady I Wish I Could Replace One Of The Bats With:
"Honey, I'm 85 years old and I no longer care what my ass touches!"

After I laughed for about 20 minutes she followed it with:
"Nobody's been interested in my ass since 1985!"

Tears were rolling down my face.
Oh so cute... My wish is to be just like her when I grow up!

Laughing My Way To The Bank!

I'm starting a new diet trend and I'm hoping to make millions of dollars.

Step right up and let me tell you all about it!

I read on Reader's Digest that laughing for 10-15 minutes you can burn about 10 to 40 calories a day which equals a 4lb weight loss over a year.

Now, hold on while I take out my calculator.

Okay... if you laugh for an hour it's about 16lbs, you with me?
If you laugh for 2 hours it's 32lbs.
If you laugh for 4 hours it's 64lbs! (I checked my math and I think that looks right.)(But I'm no genius so if I'm off then I'm off.)(Yes, I know I'm being overly optimistic but that's the way I gotta be to sell my diet!)

Anyway, here's my plan.
I'm gonna open a place were you can go and laugh for an hour.
No, not a comedy club just a room somewhere where you're forced to laugh for an hour (maybe with some laughing gas... maybe, we'll see how much the liability insurance is) then I'm going to sell special iTune files where you laugh an hour in the morning an hour at work and an hour at night!

I'll be rich, skinny and hot cuz I'll buy me some liposuction and plastic surgery while the chumps are laughing like insane hyenas.

Because you are my friends, for a limited time, this is a one time offer... you can be the first to join and be the envy of your friends!
If you enroll now, you'll also get a special autographed picture of me walking with your money to the bank... and smiling.
I know the risk of addiction.
I figure I can open a rehab place for people that become addicted to laughing and become skeletal. Their treatment will be top secret.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Meet Archibald The Ugly + Naughty List.

To all the tree huggers:
This post is gonna bad mouth my tree and is not meant to bad mouth all the other trees out there, okay?

We bought a tree on Saturday. We decided to cheap-it-out this year cuz we weren't hosting Christmas. Instead of buying our usual 7 footer from Bob Evans from Wisconsin, who sets up his trees and lives in a trailer on the Roadhouse Bar and Grill parking lot and paying $65, we went to Menard's where you can't actually see what the tree looks like cuz it's wrapped up in a net.

We thought "so what, we're paying $20 so who cares!" Well, you get what you pay for and we wound up with a 5.5 foot baldy. Which is why I named him Archibald the Ugly. No matter what I did, this thing was just plain BUGLY! (butt ugly)

To make matters worse I made a huge mistake when putting the lights on,(normally my sister does this for me but since she's pregos I thought I wouldn't bother her this year) I ended up plugging all the prongs to each other, so when it came time to plug them into the outlet I didn't have the right end at the bottom... DOH!! I patiently redid them. (and by patiently I mean I didn't rip the lights off the branches like I wanted)

Before I put on the lights (the first time) I checked them to make sure they all worked and they did. Once I put them on the second time and plugged them in half the flippin lights weren't working! My self confidence has gone from 100 to 15! Obviously the complexity of tree lighting is far beyond my grasp... I'm sure I'm good at something... right?


I removed the 6 series of lights AGAIN and can you guess what happens when you've been moving the tree, putting lights on, taking lights off, then putting them on again???

It loses tons of needles. So Archibald became even bald-er.

This message is to the Light Making Industry, why is it that we can send robots to Mars but we can't invent a string of lights that work even if one little freakin' bulb is out???
Please... I'd really like to know!
Anyway, the branches were weak and weird so I had to make the decision to not use my best ornaments for fear they would wind up in little pieces on the floor.

This is were I gave up! It was like trying to put lipstick on a pig! I couldn't do it anymore so Andy came home and did the rest. First time for him since I'm always the one decorating the tree.

Little Shoogie Boogie came to help too and they both did a great job. This is the finished product.

Naughty List:

Natalia is only 4 but her vocabulary skills are excellent! Not to mention her ability to explain the logic she sees in situations.
She asked me if I had made my list for Santa yet since Christmas was so close and she wanted to know what I'd asked for.
I, in my infinite ignorance(!), told her I never bothered with a list because I'm always on the Naughty list... little did I know about the lectures I would receive from someone who can't look over any counters!

First she asked me why I thought I was on the naughty list. Thinking I'd give her a short answer and she'd move on, I told her it was because I was mean to everybody.

I don't believe you're mean. You tell me stories and sing me songs and give me hugs and kisses. You're nice to me.

Tia Bee:
Well, yeah but just to you. Because I love you.

Well that's going to make my mommy really sad.

Tia Bee:

Because mommy loves you. You should be nice to her too.

Tia Bee:
Okay, I'll be nice to you and your mommy.

You know, maybe you should be nice to grandma too, and Tio Andy...

Tia Bee:
That's too many people! How am I going to stay on the naughty list if I start being nice to everybody.

Don't you want to get presents?? I think it's too late for this year but you should start being nice for next year.

Tia Bee:
I'll try but I'm not making any promises!

Natalia: [she was in the middle of eating an ice cream bar, she set it down on it's wrapper and grabbed my face]
I believe you can do it Tia Bee! [little earnest face]


Now I'm going to have to behave myself!!
I hope she uses her persuasive tactics for good when she grows up. If not we're all doomed! ;o)
Andy bought me tweezers so that lip hair is now GONE! And please click on Humor-Blogs so that my rating can go from bad to not so bad.
Pretty pleeease!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Party with thy enemies, then make fun of their clothes!

This is a long long post but since it’s Friday, you’ll have the weekend to read it.
The answer to how many Maragritas make me incoherent is 5. I had 5 bad girls!
I’m gonna start with the preparation for the party.
I was grumpy and grouchy the whole time I was getting ready!
Then as I’m almost done with the finishing touches on my shellacked make-up I notice something odd.
There… jutting out just above my upper lip… is a tiny hair. WHAT???
Now, I, like all other men/women, have facial hair but I’m lucky enough to have it in the form of peach fuzz that you can only see if I’m under extremely bright lights because it’s so fair.
Well, this little son of a skunk is blacker than tar! Has it been there all along? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
I reach for my tweezers when I remember Andy used them to unclog the drain! I don’t have any usable freakin tweezers!!!
::deep breath::
I decide to move on but now I’m scrutinizing my face and notice I have a couple of stray eyebrows! Have I always been this hairy!?
Next time Andy asks me if I’ll still love him if he’s bald, I’m gonna ask him if he’ll still love me when I’m an ape. ::sigh::
There was nothing I could do at the moment so I had to Groucho Marx it and leave.
I was the last of the women to arrive but I made them move so that I wouldn’t be stuck sitting next to any of the doctors or Scarecrow (yes, Scarecrow was aware of my reluctance to sit next to her, she has not been forgiven for the Skittles incident!).
After we all settled in, with me in the middle of Milton and Cowardly Lion, I noticed how out of place I truly am in this Asylum.
All the women were wearing VELOUR!
Yeah, I said VELOUR! Toto was wearing a VELOUR pantsuit. Aren’t you proud of the fact that I didn’t lose it right then and there? Scarecrow and Purple Dino-SOUR were wearing a VELOUR blouse/skirt set with tons of sparklies. Oh how I regret not taking a picture! ---Bad Bee!---
The rest were just wearing VELOUR tops.

I’m wondering if a traveling salesman happened upon all of them while I was on my way there and sweet talked them into buying his great-grandma’s clothes. That’s the only logical explanation my pickled brain can come up with.

Thankfully, the waiter and maitre d’ were the freakin’ bomb! (yes yes I just said the bomb) The minute I walked into the room they hooked me up with Margaritas and kept ‘em coming. At one point one of them whispered that they had added extra Tequila to make my companions more interesting! Do you want to know why they felt the need to say that?? Because for the first 45 minutes we talked about the fact that the
Bennigan’s by the office has closed! WHO GIVES A FLYING CRAP? WHO???

What had me on the floor writhing in laughter (or pain) was that OZ sat next to Milton and she proceeded to tell him how she had cut out a coupon for cake and now she needed to find one that’s open blah blah blah.
OZ didn’t know what to say since he probably has never been to a Bennigan’s! The dude eats in places where they charge you just to walk thru the door!
In the meantime, I counted 27 lights on the garlands. Then my other Margarita appeared magically next to my right hand. It was a Miracle

If you’re at this very moment wondering how I survived the next 2 hours, all I have to say is
Jose Cuervo should be inducted into the hall of saints. If there is a hall of saints not really sure but if there isn’t they should invent one.

Can you vote for people to become saints cuz I’d vote for him… and me.

Do you guys want to know what the next scintillating topic of conversation was? CL’s 35th high school reunion. I’ll spare you the bore-y details but I just want to send a message to whoever wants it.

When you’re telling a story, know your audience! It shouldn’t take you 20 minutes to tell people your school is exactly the same as you remember it.
Notice when the people around you have gotten quiet and their eyes are wandering around the room planning their escape.

When that happens yell out BOOBS really loud and they’ll come back to you. No, don’t show them your boobs just yell out the word.

Do I have your attention again? :o)
OZ played right into my hands to make the bats jealous.
Everything was Bianca this and Bianca that (if you're new to this blogus and are wondering why he's calling me Bianca... uh… that’s my real name) so they were positively green with envy! BUAHAHAHA!
I was really trying to behave but I needed to do something to keep my head from hitting the table out of sheer boredom (or [kkkcough!] inebriation). So I rolled up my NON-VELOUR sleeves and dove in!
What I actually said to those sad synthetic fabric women is not important. (I didn't have stories to share about my husband's mid-life crisis cuz he's only 31.)What's important is that each one of them got my own special brand of justice in front of OZ who laughed his ass off and at the end of the evening I said "Okay, you may all give me a round of applause!" and they did because OZ lead the clapping so how could they not follow along!
Well, in all honesty it wasn't the Margaritas that made me say and do the things I did but it made my life sweeter!!!
If you are, at this very moment, feeling sympathy for the Bats... TRAITORS!
You'll be happy to know Karma paid me back just lil' bit. When I got home after being dropped off, Andy had a blast making fun of my nonsense and giggly-ness. I just remember telling him "And if I forget this or that remind me tomorrow. And remind me I have to kick Milton's ass because she said really loud that she didn't understand why I didn't want to sit next to OZ cuz he and I are having a grand time! Whatta bitch!" (yes, I did kick her ass!--verbally--)
Anyway, as I stumbled into the bathroom to change, I punched myself in the face trying to take off my blouse. Then I scratched my eyeball trying to take off my contacts!
My next disembowelment date is 12/14/07. That is the "staff" party in which it's just us women... grrrrrr!
If you're wondering about the stupid hair above my lip, it's STILL there!