Thursday, May 27, 2010

Why would people want to torture me while I'm trying to work?

There happens to be a carnival in ACS's parking lot. All evening I heard songs with lyrics like "gonna get your booty" "gonna smack your booty" and other booty related songs which makes me think Carnies are butt men.

For some reason I kept gravitating towards the front of the store hoping to catch a glimpse of some kid walking by with cotton candy so I could jump him, eat the cotton candy and maybe take his tickets for the rides!

carnival 3carnival

 carnival 2

Oh well, maybe I'll sneak over there tomorrow night.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Blue, Black, Purple, it's all the same to Milton.

I hardly ever pay attention to the words that are coming out of Milton's mouth anymore. I'm too busy and tired on a normal day and she usually picks a topic and then goes on and on in her soft whiny voice that sounds a lot like the old lady from Poltergeist. "Would you like some cheese, Carol Anne?"

I let her ramble and every once in a while, I throw in a "mmhm", "wow" or "yeah" and she keeps on goin'! But today? Today she had my full attention! Sort of.

I was listening to Hotel California (classic!) and trying to concentrate on an account when I heard Milton mumble about some man she had just spoken to on the phone that didn't agree with his bill. This is what I heard:

"mumble mumble blah blah I'm going to blue ball that man!"

Me: [*::blink blink:: wiggle fingers in ears*] Uh, what did you say??

Milton: I'm just so frustrated! I know I can't actually blue ball him since it's not my company but I can dream, can't I?

Me: ::snicker:: You dream of blue balling him?? ::hee hee!::

Milton: Yes I do! In fact there's a bunch of others I'd like to blue ball while I'm at it!


Milton: [laughing] I know I'm being silly.

Me: I think you mean *blackball*

Milton: Black ball, blue ball, you know what I mean!

Me: Yep. I know exactly what you mean but for future reference, the slang for blue balls is [and I showed her the definition on my iphone because she's my mother's age and I really do not want to talk about blue balls with her but I wanted to inform her for her protection and hen not talk about it again. With her ever.]

Milton: Oh no! [turns purple] I've said *blue ball* all my life! In fact! I used that same expression with the pastor last Sunday! I told him he needed to bring his wife's brownies more often or we were going to blue ball him from his own church!


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Andy wanted me to title this "Poopy McPoopypants" or "Spanky McSpankerpants" and so I am.

Now that I'm working 48 hours a day, Andy and I have to have a lot of our conversations via text messages and honestly, I think it's brought us closer together because when I'm being sarcastic, he thinks I'm being sweet and so there are less arguments. This particular conversation took place today while I was setting up table displays at ACS.

Andy: Bee?

Bee: Yep?

Andy: Why is there a steak knife on the bed?

Bee: Because I couldn't find the chicken sheers.

Andy: Bee?

Bee: Yeeeesss??

Andy: Why did you need the chicken sheers in the bedroom?

And while I was in the middle of typing a long detailed explanation, Mr. Inpatient sent me another message

Andy: Weeell?? :o\

Bee: Dammit! I was about to tell you hold on!

Bee: I was going to wear my jeans with the razor cuts but then I remembered they almost slid off my butt when I was on the ladder.

Andy: When, where and WHY were you on a ladder.

Bee: Monday, at ACS, looking for the duster I misplaced last week.

Bee: So I went to get my belt but the belt had that thick plastic hang tag still on it so I needed to remove it and that's where the knife comes in.

Andy: Should I even ask why there's a baggie full of cheese cubes on your night stand?

Bee: I was wondering where my cheese went!

When I got home he told me he thought the steak knife was like some sort of weird warning "if you cheat on me, I'll cut your dick off".

Andy: I was gonna say you'd need to use a machete not a wimpy steak knife. [looks at me and winks] eh? EH?

Bee: I love how my violent tendencies are always on your mind right along with your delusions of grandeur.

Andy:  Asshole.

And that ladies and gents, is how a perfect relationship works!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Velociraptors are making a come back, man!

While Andy and I were watching TV after a long workday at both my jobs.

Me: [nonchalant-like] When I was driving home tonight, I thought I heard a velociraptor chasing me.

Andy: [whips his head to stare at me and I have his full attention which is unusual because he never bothers to glance my way when I'm speaking and that is how he always claims I never told him something because if he doesn't make eye contact, it didn't happen] Huh?

Me: [twitching a little] I was driving and I kept hearing this noise [I stood up and kinda made a squeak/cluck/ftftftft noise] so I turned down the radio thinking it might be that but I still heard the noise so I thought 'that sounds like a fucking velociraptor!' so then I drove a little faster, you know, just in case I needed to out run it and then I thought 'there is no hope for you if it is a velociraptor, dumbshit!'.

Andy: [eyes wide open, staring intently at my head] . . . So, was it?

Me: [eye roll] If it were a velociraptor, I wouldn't be here telling you this story right now! Half of me would be in a velocirpator's stomach and the other half hanging from a tree in the forest preserve! Duuuuh!

Andy: Right, because I'm the crazy one! You know what's amazing?

Me: [thinking he's gonna give me some insight into the velociraptor mind] What?

Andy: You can be 100% sober and still sound drunk!

Looking back, I guess it was a little nuts for me to think there was a velociraptor chasing me down Main Street. Especially because it would have preferred to be in a more populated area so it could have a bigger snack selection but a girl can never be too safe when driving home at 10 at night.

Also, no, I wasn't drinking but I was very tired so that may account for my delusions. And! If you're wondering why I had to stand up to do my velociraptor impersonation it's because I also flapped my arms to add to the sound effect.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

What the evil??

Andy and I went to see Ironman 2, for some reason Robert Downey Jr is looking yummier and yummier, when I saw a movie poster I thought was for a horror movie. evil carrie

I was like 'I wonder what movie this is... it looks interesting cuz the chick looks possessed!' as I got closer, I realized what it was for:

Sex in the City 2

They needed to make a second one?? I wasn't far off on the horror movie guess!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sometimes, working at the Asylum makes me angrier than an ant who has just lost its hill to a big foot but there are those rare occasions when I giggle uncontrollably.

I was sitting at my desk, trying to find my cloning machine so that I may honor the world with more Bees and maybe they would help me get some work done, when I overheard this little conversation between a mom who was filling out paperwork and her young son.

Little Boy: Mommy! My butt is full up with pooooooo!

Mommy: I'll take you potty in a minute.

Little Boy: But mommy! Is gonna come out!

Mommy: Just hold it. Mommy needs to finish something for the doctor.

[some silence]

Little Boy: Hold it likes dis mommy?

Mommy: Oh Jakey!! What's on your hands??

Little Jakey: My poooooo!


And then there was chaos in the waiting room but happiness in the business office. 

Monday, May 10, 2010

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sometimes I stumble across things while bargain huntin and I wonder what people were smoking to get their creative juices flowing.

We went to HomeGoods on Friday, I was looking forward to it since Thursday and it was somewhat of a letdown, when I stumbled across this, uh, Leprechaun?



I took a close-up of the face because I wanted you to see that his eye didn't fall out while being shipped. It was made that way! I think he's supposed to be winking? Or giving you the evil eye?


And he also looks like he has a bad case of Rosacea.


Then I thought he was holding a pipe but no, it looks more like a shiv.


I picture him coming over quietly, so as not to alert you of his presence, and then whispering in your ear, "Top o da mornin to ya, laddy!" as he stick the shiv right through your breastplate!



Happy belated Mother's Day to all you Mothers out there! Hope you hade a great day!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful and have the best skin tone and am awesome and things look naturally good on me and because I'm conceited.


Andy and Bee sitting in their respective TV watching sofa/chairs stuffing their faces with chocolate cake.

Bee: Man, I don't know why but it feels like ACS tired me out more than usual today!

Andy: Chocolate cake makes everything better!

Bee: True! I think I'm gonna quit ACS, though.

Andy: Why? I thought you loved working there!

Bee: I do! But... all the clothes in stock looks too good on me.

Andy: Wow!

Bee: I know! Take for example the new shipment that came in--

Andy: No. I mean "wow" what an ego you're carrying!

Bee: What do you mean? I'm just being honest!

Andy: I'm sure you are. Do you have to buy an extra ticket when you go to the movies? One for you and one for your giant ego?? [laughs hysterically]

Bee: [evil squinty eyes] Are you calling me fat?

Andy: [panicked face, eyes wide open] WHAT?? NO! NO, NOT ALL NO!

Bee: [looking at nails] Then what is that crack about an extra seat at the movies?

Andy: OH GOD NO! I was just making a joke about your ego!

Bee: [sadly nods head] You hurt my feelings.

Andy: Babe, I seriously only meant EGO.

Bee: ... It was mean.

Andy: [wraps me up in bear hug] You know what? Why don't you buy yourself something nice tomorrow? Maybe a nice shirt? Would that make you feel better??

Bee: [instantly happy!] OKAY!

Ladies, you have much to learn from me.

Monday, May 3, 2010

What's in the box??

So we watched The Box tonight. It sat on top of our coffee table for almost 2 weeks because Andy and I were too chicken shit busy to watch it.

We finally gathered some balls made some time and watched it.

I have a couple of problems with this movie. The first one is not that I wish Cameron Diaz had not pushed the button but more like I wish she and the other actors plus whoever decided to make this movie had instead gone for a nice walk on the beach, maybe had a corn dog while sitting on a blanket and enjoying the sunset.

But no. Instead some guy went into a room and sat in front of a typewriter and some time later the result ended up in my home. Where it gathered dust because I mistook it for a horror film when in reality it is just horrible. 

Secondly, who allows a guy looking like this into their home? 


I mean, I'd be like "poor guy!" but I'd think it as I'm double bolting my door and loading my shot gun and dialing 911 because you never know how his *accident* Did he try stealing plutonium so he could build a time machine so he may travel back in time to get the winning lottery numbers so he could have enough funds to invent Call of Duty the most annoying game in the whole freaking world because your husband loves to yell obscenities at the TV while you're trying to listen to some soothing Jazz? I don't know! Therefore I will not engage.

After doing some research, I found out this movie was sorta based on a Twilight Zone episode. I'd like to have seen that instead because losing 30 minutes seems like a better idea.

Also, it seems that all the couples that were in receipt of *The Box* had one thing in common, the wife was the one who pushes the button! What. The. Fuck? Sure we like our shoes, purses, clothes and jewelry but that doesn't mean we're going to off someone at the first chance we get! And the way they pushed the button was even more insulting!

Wife: [in a breathy Marilyn Monroe voice] I'm gonna push it sweetums.

Husband: I don't know, wife. What if we can't live with our conscience?? What if--

Wife: Oopsie! I pushed it! hee hee hee!

Here's what I think of that:

Saturday, May 1, 2010

How does a girl spend a Friday night when her husband is at his parent's house fiddling with that new fangled invention called *electricity*?

Well, to start with, I had to work at ACS until about 8:30. Once I left work, I headed to my friendly neighborhood Walgreen's, of which my neighborhood boasts of 4 within a 5 mile radius just in case somebody needs hemorrhoid ointment STAT!, to pick up some uh, personal items.

First I made my way to the refrigerated section to pick up a slice of carrot cake for my Andy because he loves them and my life's all about Andy. I then headed to the uh, personal aisle to pick up those personal items I mentioned that are secret and personal. As I stepped into the aisle, I saw a man waaaaaay at the end looking pensive. When I got closer, he tensed and crabbed walked out. You know what I mean by 'crabbed walked' right? I mean he didn't turn around one way or another and just kind side step-side-step-side stepped out of the aisle. I was like WTF dude? and that's when I noticed he was standing in front of the condom-slash-personal lubricant section.

I immediately felt bad because, here I was with my buy one jumbo pack of panty liners, get one free jumbo pack of panty liners coupon that was going to expire that same day and he thought I would judge him. Awww! Before I could pick up my jumbo pack of panty liners, so much for the "personal secret items", my sister called with a hot tip on a super effective deodorant so I walked out of the aisle and went on a search of that mythical deodorant. After I scoured the deodorant aisle and came up empty, TYPICAL, I made my way back to the personal aisle. This time, from the other end. The end that had the personal lubricant-slash-condom section and standing before me was the same dude that scurried out earlier. He tensed again and I walked past him quickly trying to convey that he could continue on with his research and I wasn't going to judge him and I even picked up my jumbo pack of panty liners and my free jumbo pack of panty liners and raised them up in the air as if to say "look! we can both coexists in this aisle buying things that embarrasses us--" but before I could finish my silent communication, he sighed in frustration and left.

When I told Andy the story, his response was typically male:

"Good goin', Bee! You just cock blocked the poor guy!"

And so that's what a girl does on a Friday night when her husband isn't home. She cock blocks random strangers.

Oh, she also bought a Bumpit and tried to make it work on her head and then decided her head was abnormally shaped so she gave up and had some chocolate instead.

Who needs to have perfectly bumped up hair anyway??