Wednesday, June 29, 2011

This took place 5 minutes ago but I think it stopped time.


Me to Milton: Ick! My purse smells like rotten mango!


Milton: What? It smells like what?


Me: Rotten mango.


Milton (horrified): Why would it smell like that?


Me: Because I put it in there a couple days ago and forgot about it.


Milton (face ashen white and looking puke-y): Why would you do that?  Why? Unless I'm confused about what 'mangoo' means?


Me: … … … I said MANGO not MANGOOMANGO!


Milton (looking relieved): Oh! Okay! That makes sense! Rotten MANGO! I was wondering if 'mangoo' was slang for—


Me: No! Let's just... let's just … I don't know what to say right now so I'm just going to pretend this conversation never took place.

::lays on floor in fetal position chanting hymns::


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

So yeah. The storm that went through here last night has left the Beehive without working light switches.

Unfortunately for me, the lack of electricity means I have to go with my "Plan B" hairstyle which involves a headband and a hair claw because I do not have the solar powered hair dryer I asked for as a Christmas present. Damn you Santa and your naughty list!


I have come to the sad conclusion that this face [pointing at my face] needs all the hair on it it can take without being confused with Yosemite Sam. Mine is the face that needs to be hidden behind a curtain for what we shall call "the mysterious look". Right now I feel naked and people are actually able to see my eye-rolls and my mimicking of their asinine comments with my sarcastic lip movement. ::sigh::


I went on the Com Ed website and they are telling me that it could be days before they restore power to all customers and so I immediately thought about the meat we bought on sale so we could, you know, save money. Now I'm gonna have to hold a food drive where I cook all the food on the grill and then charge the neighbors money to eat it. I suppose I could give it away but then they might follow me around the neighborhood like stray animals and maybe even want me to pet them.


Glynda said to me this morning "well, at least you're lucky enough to be able to come to work where we have air conditioning!" Yeah. I feel really effing lucky right now! How about you take your positive attitude and go lecture some sharks while wearing a meat suit I'll make for you from my thawed out freezer? Fucking hippies!


I am aware things could have been worse and it's not like I gave her my power outage news with a tear and I frown-y face. I said it with a carefree shrug of the shoulders that implied I was a cool cat on top of hill full of catnip.


As I was typing this, I found out OZ also was without power but it has now been restored. Hmmm! Maybe I need to move to a rich gated community because those wheels get greased way faster than down here at plebeian-ville.


Kidding. I know how hard the restorers of light work. They were probably out all night in dangerous conditions. I heart you Com Ed guys! I'm sure we were just overlooked! If you need my address, facebook me! ;o)


Also, what I most regret, is not eating the Edy's Drumstick Ice Cream we bought over the weekend. I remembered last night, as I was getting eaten alive by a family of mosquitoes that decided to picnic on my head, neck and arms (I'm sure Glynda the sugarwitch would say that it's because I'm so sweet. Up yours Glynda!), and then I couldn't sleep because I was honestly debating whether I should get up, grab a spoon and eat it while I sat in my dark living room but I walked away from the light and counted bug bites instead.


Glynda just came in and asked me if my shower was working. I said "Yeeees. Why? Do I smell?" and she said no but since my power was out… and I had to think for a minute, because I'm becoming one of them, and then I said, as far as I know, my plumbing isn't powered by electricity. She tossed her pageboy hair and went back on her airship.  


Send help.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I wasn’t put on this Earth to let people walk all over me with their bare feet OR shit covered shoes.

I'm just sayin'.

It's been one of those days and I'm so very tired of having one of those days.

To lighten the mood, here is a Milton story:

Milton: I found a paperclip by your desk. [gives me paperclip]


Me: Oh, um okay. Thanks.


Milton: You want to make sure you look around your desk before you leave because the cleaning crew will just throw them away.


Me: I'll try to remember.


Milton: You know, I'll just make a note to check your area before I leave. Just to be sure.


Me: ::sigh:: will you get mad if I say I don't care?


Milton: But the cleaning crew will throw them away!


Me: If I promise never to let a paperclip slip from my fingers, will you leave me alone?


Milton [rolls her eyes]: I'll just make sure to check your area before I leave.

Monday, June 13, 2011

My work friends are cooler than your work friends!

Scarecrow to Me: When I run out of Vicodin, I pour water in the bottle the pills came in and drink it. You'd be surprised how much pill dust is still in there!


Me: ::blink blink:: I think you have a problem.


Scarecrow: I don't! It's not like I'm pouring Gin in there!— BWAHAHAHA! I think I just invented a new shot!




Nope. She definitely doesn't have a problem.

Monday, June 6, 2011

J-Lo's "music" is equal to one million tiny unicorns inside your head stabbing your brain with their tiny headhorns.

I know what your thinking "But I love unicorns!" and I love them too and I like to dance in the rain with them every time I'm buzzed on Nyquil but the truth of the matter is that nobody would enjoy them making holes in your brain. Nobody.
ANYWAY, back to J-Lo.
I think that actors that play musicians/singers in movies should sign a contract that says something like:

"Just because I am playing the role of SELENA or RAY CHARLES*, this does not mean that I myself possess the talents that they did so I will never ever subject the world to my autotuningoversynthesizedstudiomonotone singing under penalty of repeated slapping to the face. Amen"

Unfortunately for the world, we have already been subjected to many vocal disasters from actors who think they can cross over to the harmonious side because of this pesky thing we call freedom to do as you please as long as you are not breaking the law but by them putting out these compilations of horror, they are murdering my eardrums and maybe even the music industry because every Tom, Dick and Sylvester Stallone will think they can sing and when will enough be enough? Sylvester Stallone isn't even a good actor!

As a matter of fact, I think we as human beings have the responsibility to form some sort of coalition or maybe sign a petition that will keep radio stations, TV stations, internet sites and whatever other media that will be invented in the future, from playing their music.
I mean, there is nothing worse than listening to your radio as you are winding down for the night, after fighting rabid mosquitoes and giant soul sucking spiders in your garden, and then having to listen to J-Lo's "song" where she pronounces Africa like this ahfrEEEEKHAH just so that it will sorta rhyme with whatever God awful "lyric" she "sang" before that.
 Why not just change the station, you ask. Well, what if it has taken you 15 minutes of moving this way and that way until you found the sweet spot on the bed that would let you softly drift off into sleep where you will dream of Henry Cavill being your Superman and so you really don't want to risk moving a single inch and the radio is all the way on the other side of the bed where you have a manlike obstacle quietly snoring and do you really want to climb over him and risk him thinking it's ::wink wink:: time?

But on the other hand, your ears are bleeding from J-Lo's monotonous bleating where she declares that "Tonight we gon' be it on the floor Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala" (and she sings it just like it is written, with no harmony what's so ever)(What are my qualifications for judging her "talent"? Years and years of listening to music that's what!).

Decisions decisions.

I would rather avoid the whole ordeal and just have her music banned for the sake of mankind soooo…

Since I believe myself to be a fighter of all causes that don't really need to be fought, I am starting an online petition here (of course, since I myself do not possess any internet talents, the actual petition is really just a Facebook page where you can leave comments):

People can go there and vent about other "singers" that need to be banned from the airwaves so that our auditory senses don't disappear and leave us standing around like goldfish staring vacantly at murky glass while our mouths go like this (picture me opening my mouth and closing it goldfish style) and waiting for the time where we will be mercifully flushed down the toilet.


I know some of you are going to tell me that there have been some actors that were able to make the transition successfully and some others will point out that there are singers who become actors so why am I picking on just one group. Well, first of all, cause I want too. And second of all, movies are not forced upon me randomly while typing away at my computer or showering or having ::wink wink:: time. Since I listen to the radio all day at work, while I'm getting ready for work and while I'm trying to fall asleep, I feel I have the right to bitch and moan about it as I please. So there!

*Really Jamie Foxx? You can't separate bad acting from reality so you decide to move to bad singing?

Friday, June 3, 2011

I know where I am, why should I care where you are?

I hate it when people call me and ask for directions to get to our office. In this day and age of GPS and the internet, I feel like it's not my responsibility to draw somebody an imaginary map. Especially since they always ask shit like "are you on the east or west side of the street?" At that moment in time I think "Listen, dipshit, if you know where east and west are located, that's more than I know so how about you just look for the sign that says 'Arkham Asylum' once you are on the freakin street??"


::sigh:: I should just stop answering my phone.

Raaaaant over!