Friday, September 16, 2011

Bizarro Friday

Glynda (to me): What did you do for Mexican New Year?

Me: … ::blink blink:: I’m sorry, what did I what for what?

Glynda: Mexican New Year. I read in the paper that it was Mexican New Year over the weekend.

Me: Uh, as far as I know Mexican New Year is still on January first but maybe I didn’t get the memo? [smiles to tell her I’m just kidding] I think you meant Mexican Independence Day but that’s today.

Glynda: [giving me a look that says I must be a part-time Mexican and not “all there”] I’m pretty sure they said it was MEXICAN NEW YEAR.

Me: Well, I guess I’ll have to check with my fellow Mexicans and update my Aztec calendar. [hangs head in shame] I wonder when the Mexican Independence Day will be celebrated now that we have moved our New Year [puts hand on chin to imply deep thought] will my birthday be in the same month! I need to call a meeting!

Glynda: So I guess you’re mocking me?

Me: Maybe just a little.

OZ is off today which is awesome for many reasons but mostly because he’s taking his douchiness on the road but also because this means no patients. Or so we thought until a stray one walked in who thought his appointment was today. He also happened to be a Spanish speaker which does not say much for “my people” because I already dropped the ball on the whole Mexican New Year thing so I went up to the front desk to tell him he was here on the wrong day and then he creeped me out because he started hitting on me!

I came back to my desk and told Milton how this old dude had hit on me all creepy-like.

Me: You know, I try to help people out and this is how they repay me!

Milton: Well I think it’s flattering.

Me: Noooooo the dude is like forty!

Milton: Well that’s not too old—

Me: Uh-huh! I just looked up his age and he’s 42! OLD! Ick!

Milton: [stands by my desk and gently asks] How old are you going to be this year?

Me: Thirty- [complete and utter horror at the HOLY SHIT realization] -NINE! Aw man! I’m old too!

Where did the years go? Where?

Thursday, September 1, 2011


So I went to a new doctor a couple of weeks ago, I know what you’re thinking, “A new doctor, Bee? What happened to the grandmotherly Polish woman you’ve been going to for years?” She abandoned me that’s what! She picked up and moved her practice to Michigan with not so much as an “I enjoyed removing your skin tags!” card. Thanks for bringing it up and reopening the wound! Pour some lemon on it why don’t ya’!

This left me with no other choice than to look for a new female doctor cuz I was not going to let the MALE doctor that took over the grandmotherly Polish woman’s practice see my wobbly bits (especially because I was tricked into going there to get a refill on my blood pressure pills and he was all “next time you come in, I’m gonna feel your breasts” oh hell no!)… where was I? I forgot why I even brought this up… Oh right! I remember.

I was not prepared for the shit-ton of questions I was asked by 2 different people! I felt like I was caught smuggling kittens in my nostrils and they were trying to get to the bottom of why.

“Do you drink alcoholic beverages on a regular basis?”

“No ma’am.”

They give me a look that says they’re on to my shenanigans “By regular we mean 2-3 times a week”


Now I get a look that says they don’t believe me because how else would I get through life? “Once a week? Twice a month?”

“More like one Mojito once every 6 months… My father is an alcoholic so I more or less have an aversion to liquor”

Busily type-type-type-typing while giving me sideways glances. “O-KAAAAY. I’ll just enter “socially”—“

“No. I do not drink socially. I do not consume alcoholic beverages at social events or with friends or family or picnics with my dogs. I do not drink regularly. Having 2 Mojitos a year is not in anyway considered a “social drinker”.”

I had to go through this twice. Once with the physician’s assistant and then again with the doctor. Why is it so hard to believe that there are some people who are just not interested in alcoholic beverages? As of this very moment in time, I have had one half of a beer and a pina colada I shared with Andy and it’s what? September? I honestly would rather have water or green tea or anything else that doesn’t taste like rubbing alcohol.

I think next time I’ll just say “Do I drink? I’m drunk right now, bitches!” and they’ll probably accept that as truth faster than you can say “belly shots”.

I don’t think my answer mattered one bit because they were just going to type whatever the fuck they thought was “the norm”. Goes to show how much they really know because they measured my height and told me I’m only 5 feet one and a half inches when the whole world can clearly see that I am FIVE FEET TWO INCHES TALL!


They also took my blood and made me give them a urine sample. I’m assuming they’re going to test me for rabies…