Picking a movie to celebrate wedded bliss is serious business.

So, this coming Friday, April 16th, is the anniversary of my marriage to one Andy Husband.

We are planning on having a whole weekend celebration where we will go to dinner and a movie AT NIGHT TIME. With all the young folk! We were undecided as to what to see because, it being our anniversary, we wanted it to be something we both wanted to watch. The movie should have a hint of romance too, I guess?

These were our choices:

Death at a Funeral (the American version)-

Starring Chris Rock and that dude from Martin.

The movie looks wildly entertaining but the down side is that, while there is eye candy for men, I have never been attracted to Chris Rock and Martin makes me pukey so there would be no eye candy for *me*.

Kick Ass-

A comic book movie. Need I say more? Okay.

I am not a fan of comics but my Andy is so this would be totally one sided. And did Nicolas Cage ever get his face back after Faceoff or did he just keep the mask they used in the movie?

Date Night-

With Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Two of the funniest people alive as far as I'm concerned.

On paper, it looks like the perfect movie. A husband and wife trying to rekindle some feeling, love maybe?, and hijinks ensue. The only problem with this movie is that it's also scary. I mean, it's about a married couple that rarely ventures out into the late night and all they want to do is have a nice evening. Maybe have some wine and play a little footsie under the table but instead, THEY ARE CHASED BY BAD GUYS! Yes, there is a flash of Mark Wahlberg's abs which would make it a pro but they also show his face so that would be a con. Anyway, I'm afraid this movie will knock our new found confidence of walking into the dark without our fluorescent headbands back on its ass where we will land on our sofa thanking the lord we don't have to go out again until next year.

and last but not least,

Clash of Titans-

 
Staring some very good looking people. So this movie has something for me

and something for Andy.

It has romance and fight scenes and hot guys and hot girls and it's a remake of one of my favorite movies of all time. Sure, the old movie is totally dated and the special effects look like something you can find in the driveway after it rains but the story is one I wouldn't mind seeing again.

Did I mention: 

And that is how we made our decision. Solely based on the attractiveness of the actors.

On Saturday, Andy will be cooking me a special Thai dinner which he has been researching for a few weeks now. We've searched high and low to find such ingredients as Tamarind sauce, Curry leaves and Koala feet. He's also making a special spiced wine pear desert that has me drooling.

When I was telling my mom about the dinner and kinda hinting that the dinner was only for 2 so her and my brother Rick were going to have to fend for themselves on Saturday (because we all usually eat together), she had some suggestions for Andy.

Mom: Tell him to light some candles for you so that it will be more romantic.

I translate her suggestion to Andy.

Andy: Well I was but now it'll be weird because your mom suggested it.

Mom: Tell him to put a heart made out of rose petals on the bed.

Me: MOM!

Mom [hides her face in her hands while giggling uncontrollably]: Hee hee hee! And then tell him to make a path of rose petals leading to the bed! Hee hee hee!

Translate to Andy.

Andy: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Me: [dying of mortification inside]

Some of you may have open discussions about your love life with your parents but our motto has always been "Ewww shut up!" and it has worked for us so far but lately my mom has become less shy around us. And it may all be fine and good for the rest of my shameless siblings but I prefer to, oh I don't know, slam my head on a concrete bench?

Besides, my wifely duties are nobody's business but mine. And maybe Andy's.

I just shivered from the heebie jeebies again!

P.S.

Phone conversation with Andy about previous post about Starved Rock and the Hoochie Big Boobed Whore:

Andy: Wow! You really hated having that woman sitting there, huh?

Me: Who? The whore? Not at all babe, I was just exaggerating.

Andy: And by the way, the soda machines was in the opposite direction.

Me: Good because if I would have seen you walking towards Hoochie Big Boobs, I would have tackled your ass. Only maybe not because then you would have landed on her boobs.

Andy: ::dreamy sigh:: Ahh! A soft spot to land.

Me: Here is my advice to you, when you see me, RUN AND HIDE!

Things I have learned these past couple of weeks:

When you are on the treadmill and you have your earbuds in your ear so you can have audio to the visual of the Kardashians being buttheads, just because you can't hear anything, doesn't mean people cannot hear you. So keep that burp IN!

 

When you join Office Depot's membership rewards program at one of their stores, they will literally send you a welcome email 2 minutes after you've left the store.

 

Your husband, having read your 'jeans that accentuate your butt' post, will try to get out of an argument by saying 'those pants (or TROUSERS in britishspeak) make your butt look great!' and you will go along with it and end the argument even though you know what he's doing because in 11-12 years you have received exactly 5 compliments from him (and one of those compliments was 'this sandwich is delicious!' as if he's surprised) so you take what you can get.

 

You will do just about anything for $8 an hour. Including getting on your hands and knees (get your minds out of the gutter! I'm not finished)(that's what she said!) but you do draw the line at scuffing your shoes:

Margara: We're spring cleaning today and your job is to scrub the base boards throughout the store.

Me: Okay but I'm gonna do it barefoot.

Margara: Uh, no. You can't be barefoot in the store.

Me: Well, these shoes I'm wearing cost more than I make here in 2 weeks so either I take them off or I scuff them and have the store reimburse me.

Margara: Go ahead and take them off.

Me: [nod in approval at her asst. manager skills]

 

When at the gyny, enduring the much hated PROBING, having the doctor say:

Yep! There's your vagina!

Makes an awkward situation even more awkward because you wonder if going to an alley for a gyny exam was such a great idea.

 

I'm sure there's more I learned but when there's beer involved, I'm lucky if I remember my name.

"Bee n' Andy" — Supporting your spouse.

 

Maybe it's because I still have my Christmas Village on my mantel? Also, I need to pump up my boobies! Pump. Up. My. BOOBS!

So we had a week of wonderful sunshine and warm weather but it looks like we're going back to this this weekend:

 

My tender parts just inverted themselves into my body.

I just wanted to give a quick update on my determination to pull myself up from my bootstraps. I'm doing great so far. I am officially at 16 pounds lost which rocks all kinds of ass.

I bought jeans for the first time in years. I hadn't wanted to buy any after I hit a certain size because I would think "I refuse to buy that much fabric and make those poor little sweatshop kids work extra hard to lift one of my pant legs!" so I stopped wearing jeans.

Just recently, I found a perfect style that showcased my butt just so, you women know what I'm talking about, right? My biggest problem now? They are getting loose! Oh the problems I have! ;o)

I've had some tough times. Especially living with the human vacuum cleaner I call my husband. I honestly think he is trying to eat everything in sight for fear that my dieting will make food disappear!

He makes waffles at 10:30 at night while I'm chewing on my nails. He makes himself delicious sundaes while I drool on my shirt. He eats WHOLE PIZZAS...

So, I decided to indulge in another vice.

 

Deeelicious!

P.S.

Brian asked how late we were to get back to the store on the other post. We were 20 minutes late and there were 4 women standing outside the door itching to make our lives miserable.

P.P.S.

I also went bra shopping and encountered a gay guy at the women's store. He helped me out which was okay but then he asked, "did you know you could put two pillows in one?" and I was like the hell? I looked down at my boobs wondering how the hell I would be able to contort them in that manner. It turns out he meant to tell me I could use two of their plastic air contraptions to give myself more cleavage. Well, thank you Jack McFarland, for telling me my rack is in need of an extra boost! Way to kick a girl in the balls!

My man is more romantic than your man.

It was a lazy Sunday morning. Neither he nor I had to get up early to tranq violent dogs before they had their grooming appointment or get up to shovel the driveway. Instead we stayed in bed and cuddled (I know, I know, TMI) while enjoying the the musical styling's of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Then, this happened:

Andy [lays his head tenderly on my chest]: Hey! I can't hear your heartbeat!

Bee: I'm sure it's there.

Andy: Oh yeah! There it is!

Bee: I knew it would be.

Andy: Yep, I hear your heartbeat and your indigestion. Gurgle gurgle gurgle!

Bee: ...

 

Say it with me, "Awwwwww!"

'Dream Catcher'? Not so much! More like 'Dream Stealer'!

Scene:
Dark bedroom, approximately midnight, man, woman and dogs snoring. When suddenly! Man is jolted awake by ""noise"" coming ""inside"" the house!

Andy [shakes Bee awake]: Bee! Did you hear that?

Bee [is jolted from a deep sleep]: Whaa?? Who? Cheese?

Andy: Did you hear that? There was a loud bang!

Bee [punches pillow]: No. And if the dogs aren't barking then you were probably dreaming.

Andy: I'm gonna go check it out. You stay here.

Bee: ::sigh:: [gets up]

Andy: Where are you going?

Bee: You know that, of the two of us, I'm the one who can really kick ass.

Andy: I'm tempted to let you go out there and get your butt kicked just to bring you down a notch.

Bee: Hey, if you want to unleash me solo, I won't disappoint. [gets in karate kid bird position, almost topples]  The intruders will get a roundhouse kick to their—

Andy: Ankles? Shush and go back to bed.

Bee: Hell no. [notices Mocha] Mocha! Go back to bed! It's like Scooby and the gang meet the mummy over here.

Andy carefully peeks around the corner, leans his head out of the hallway and slowly makes his way towards the kitchen. I cough. Loudly.

Andy: BEE! What the hell! You want to give away our position?

Bee: "give away our position"? This isn't 'Nam. Besides, why aren't you yelling at Mocha?? Her tags have been jingling the whole time!

Andy: You know what? I'm kicking you both off of my island.

Bee: Oh my goodness! Listen!

Andy: What? WHAT??

Bee: Silence. It's just me and the chickens. [points at him and the cowering Mocha]

Andy: Okay. So maybe I was dreaming.

Bee: Ya'think?

Andy:  It felt real. . . [goes back to bed]

Bee: Does this feel real. [smacks Andy on the butt-ocks]

Andy: Ouch! Now I'll never be able to go back to slee— ::SNORE::

2 hours later, Andy is snoring, Mocha is wheezing, Tazz (who never woke up for the midnight adventure) is snorting. Bee? Bee is still wide awake, tossing and turning. PUNCHING HER PILLOW!

 

Stay tuned for the illustrated version on Sunday.

Out of context

“I think I just parked over a chicken bone”

“ Bee: I can smell through my mouth.

Andy: YOU should donate your body to science! ”

“Two-ply don’t bother me. Two-ply don’t bother me”

“The sun is blinding me so right now I'm just driving by memory of the road.”

“Nutter butter sounds like another name for Fromunda cheese”

“I wonder how big her hole is”

“I seriously doubt all the letters make an appearance in alphabet soup”

“My head isn’t a toy, Andy!”

“That lady looks like an orange”

“My need for crushing heads is equal to your need for correcting me.”

“Well then I guess I’ll have to type while dripping mango juice!”

“Bah! One potato won’t kill me! It would take at least 10 to take me down!”

“Yes. Yes. She is tall and skinny but wearing only a tank top and stripper shoes benefits nobody, right Andy? Andy? ANDY!!”

“When a wife beats up her husband because of *errant eyes* nobody wins. Except maybe the wife because she gets that nice afterglow.”

Okay, those last two were not so much out of context as they were telling a true tale of jealousy and mayhem.

be back tomorrow with a *real* post.

Just dusting off the cobwebs and forcefully moving the squatter who was sitting on my blog.

So that was weird. I think this is the longest I’ve been away from the old blog… kind of pathetic really since that might mean I don’t have a life. And if I don’t have a life, what the hell am I always going on about? I have no idea either.

Thanks for the well wishes (and offers to assist me in my pursuit of vengeance). My brother is better and has regained his usual smart-ass-ness. He still doesn’t remember anything which I guess might be a blessing.

Saturday he was debating if he should walk the block to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins to get an ice cream cone. I told him to give me a minute while I suited up in my protective armor and went with him as his bodyguard. He laughed because he has the same twisted sense of humor I do. But I was serious.

While waiting for some dryers to open up at the Laundromat Monday night, Andy asked me if I was going to do a post. I told him I couldn’t find humor in anything at the moment. He thought for a second and then said:

“Maybe you’re blocked” (ewww)

Uh no. I could sit down right now and type up 20 stories but they would all be scornful, hateful observations and I don’t feel like going down that road.

Take for example the Polish guy at the Laundromat who decided to take up every fucking dryer and only put 4 items of clothing in each one while Andy and I had to wait with our clothes in a cart. Instead of me coming up with an amusing name for him, all I could come up with was ball-sack sucking sheep fucker. In my head, the scenario I had for his retribution was me gutting him and then putting his organs in one of his dryers.

Since I’d rather not put such negative thoughts into the pureness of the webisphere, I was refraining from posting.

However!

This morning I saw a guy come out of his car wearing a business suit and an Indiana Jones hat. How could you not find the humor in a dude trying to bring back the Indy hat?

So I decided to put pen to paper, so to speak, and try to find the funny in the weekend happenings. I must warn you, I'm a little rusty.

I started my gardening on Saturday. Why didn’t anybody tell me about hoes? I bought one and am now in love! That thing is the shiznit! I loosened up the soil in minutes instead of hours (it used to take me hours because I used a HAND trowel)(for those of you non-gardeners, that’s a step up from a spoon).

While doing my gardening, I was listening to my neighbor Wilson’s grandkids. There is one in particular who seems a tad on the odd side. While the other little boys are jumping from their tree house and burning insects, this one was singing such classics as “Here comes the bride” and “That’s the way, uhhuh uhhuh, I like it” which, what the hell kind of combination is that? Nobody picks on him though because that little dude looks like he’ll eat you whole and then poop out your shoes without breaking a sweat.

The hoeing around calmed my nerves down even though my body was baptized for the season by its first bug bite. Did it have to be on my butt? Bastards.

When I told Milton about the bite she said it might me chiggers and I was like ‘Uh can you de-countrify that for me?’ She patiently explained that there are these teeny tiny little bugs that are in grass and like to bite people. So there you have it ladies and gents, I’m infested with chiggers and they are feeding off my flesh and blood to make bigger fatter mutant bugs. Coming to a town near you.

On Sunday we had to pick up the work truck Andy will be using while his car is getting liposuction. Weekend driving and I do not get along which is why I married Andy. I was all complainy the whole way there and my bitching got worse once we noticed the road we needed to take was closed off so we had to take a detour.

That was fine while Andy was still driving but I know only 4 streets out here in the burbs so I would have to follow him closely on the way back otherwise I'd end up in Wisconsin. No offense to Wisconsin.

The drive back home was eventful. I'd forgotten my cellphone (eeek!) so Andy and I could not communicate. I noticed he was sticking his arm out of the window and making the "L" shape with his finger and thumb. I thought, make a left? He waved frantically 'no' was he calling me a loser? I'd totally ram the back of the van RIGHT NOW! Impatient with my lack of understanding, he pulled over, I pulled over, he jumps out of the car, I roll down my window he yells, "Turn your lights on! Cheesus!" You do a guy a favor...

We also found out why the road was closed and littered with cops. There were Na≠i (I don’t need more hate mongers on my blog so the “z” will be “≠”) demonstrators picketing the new opening of a Holocaust Museum with their Na≠i flags and propaganda. I later yelled at Andy for making me drive through those fashion victims (come on guys, black fatigues, black jackets, black combat boots and no hair? How about some kicky pink head scarves? Add some color!) because they would have let him go with no problems once he flashed his blue eyes. I, on the other hand, would have been taken to use as a sacrifice to their backwards-god and hello? With all the extra fat I’m carrying, I’d burn easy.

I was going to post a picture as proof because Andy took a picture for me but he's not answering my calls. I could go over to the dungeon and ask him for it but that would involve me moving something other than my fingers. Meh. I decided to make my own.

I managed to drive by undetected.

Well, that's about all I guess.

Just because I buy a jar of pickles does not mean I'm pregnant!

I know it was sitting in the middle of the lemon swirl sherbet and the pistachio ice cream but that doesn't mean I was going to use the pickles as my spoon to eat my most delicious treats.

 

 

 

There was no need, my beloved husband, to give me this look

Beeeeelieve me when I say that if we were to be expecting a bundle of chaos (because let's face it, me + Andy = HIDE THE KNIVES!), I wouldn't keep the news quietly next to my heart like a treasured item. No, not me. I would say something like "Yo! WTF!! You knocked me up!!!!!" as soon as I found out AND AFTER YOU CAME TO. Because that my love, is something for us to suffer through together.

♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥♀♂♥♥♥♥

Andy quote of the night:

"Sometimes people have to get shot in order for them to know better!"

Luckily, he didn't mean me!

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P.S.

I mean, come on! It was just pickles! Granted I had forgotten how much I hate the texture of them when I bite through one. Grainy.

How to start a kitchen fire in 5 easy steps.

1) put pan on burner
2) light burner
3) put oil in pan
4) go remove Tazz's jaw from Andy's leg
5) come back and put beans in hella-hot oil

Stand back and watch the oil, liquid, fire combine for a beautiful fire display. BUT! Beware of becoming hypnotized by the flickering flames because they might make you want to get closer and you'll end up with an unfashionable hairdo.

Yup! I sure did start a fire and nearly burned my house down! The sad part is that it was my first official cooking day.
Don't worry, everything is okay. Even though the microwave and cabinets were lit up like Rudolph after a week of binge drinking, nothing melted.

To quote Andy "Isn't making BEANS part of your DNA for cripessake??"

He's just mad because when I yelled out for help (normally I'm all calm, cool and collected but when I noticed the flames on my microwave and cabinets, something inside of me shit its pants) he came barreling from around the corner, assessed the situation and opened the back porch door and stood there in a semi crouched position…

… While he was getting ready to escape (WTF?) I turned off the burner and moved the pan to a less flammable area- the middle of the kitchen where there are no cabinets or cobwebs (do you know how fast cobwebs burn, YIKES!).
Andy claims he was opening the door so that I may run outside and throw the pan as far as my little person arms could (not far, it probably would have landed at my feet).

I think we need to set up cameras in my house because this for sure would have won us the title of "America's dumbest couple"! We later laughed our asses off because we can't seem to function when no real adults are present (mommy?).

The beans came out great in case you're wondering.

Also, for Angie and Abstract (and even Andy) who feel jipped (Word is saying I should replace *jipped* with *japed* I thought they were joking) because I didn't give more of the story yesterday:

I was helping a MEAN patient with her medical forms since she didn't speak English but then I got a phone call and had to go back in my office to take it. She followed me back to my office (BIG NO-NO) and continued yammering so I had to give her the "hold on a minute" finger but I must have been pissed at her because I used my middle finger instead of the index one. Accidentally of course…

The boob thing, I was wearing a new bra (TMI?) and the girls were not being contained properly so I adjusted them with my back to the door and my front to the window. I couldn't see anybody out there but our office is on the ground level, it faces the parking lot and it's a medical building right on a busy street, during rush hour. I didn't pop them out or anything but if anybody saw me, it was clear I was shoving them into submission.

Okay, I'll talk to you guys later, I'm off to put a frozen pizza in the oven. The kitchen is safe for one more day.

 

P.S.

Why is it that when I try to sound like Gwen Stefani I wind up sounding like Cher but when I try to sound like Cher I sound like Bob Dylan? It's making it very hard for me to sing "Don't Speak" and "If I could turn back time".

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Technorati Tags: Gwen Stefani,Cher,Bob Dylan,Me,Humor-Blogs

I went on a date and almost got lucky!

So...

I went on a date on Friday night. If you have been here a time or two, you know that I normally do not go out late... or on dates for that matter but this blue eyed charmer talked me into going out him.

Now, before you go running and tell Andy, HE is the blue eyed charmer.

We decided to break our first-showing-matinee-movie-and-lunch outings and join the young 'uns who dare go out after 6pm. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I wore a nice pair of black pants, my soft purrty brown cashmere sweater and some killer brown shoes. I perfumed up, painted my face and tried my best to be passable to the eye.

Andy on the other hand.

"Should I shower?"

Ummm babe? You work in construction and wear a filthy hat but if you just want to wear your work clothes and bring your tool belt? Be my guest.

That was me at my most passive aggressive but it seemed to work because he took a shower AND EVEN PUT ON COLOGNE! Yeah it was a special treat.

On the way to the fine dining which is Mandarin Cuisine, I decided to take a picture of my newly dyed hair sans RED streaks (I heard the fairies crying). I took a few and then I noticed Andy's funky face in the background and nearly peed myself laughing!

This, ladies and gents, is why I keep him on the payroll.

I know I look like an albino in that picture but I HOPE I'm not THAT white! Anyway, notice no more red. [insert "OH NOs" here]

We arrived at the restaurant where we were greeted by a 3 nippled golden monkey dragon. He let us through once we answered his riddle.



You know, Andy never ceases to amaze me. He can say the sweetest things to me and remain humble about them. For example, after I spilled my Coke and he asked "what did you do?" without moving an inch and just allowed the wait staff to come to the rescue and help me clean it up. He then further made my toes curl by saying "If this was our first date I wouldn't have called you for another one".

Yeah! He said that! I don't make this shit up people!

I replied that I would have turned right around after seeing his goofy hair (IT'S LONG AGAIN!) without even giving him a chance. You see, that is how we interact with each other. We were friends before we started going out so the taunting has now been perfected. I for one think it's healthy.

Once my tea arrived I was back to my mellow self, soda disaster semi-forgotten until...



... they brought my replacement soda! Andy decided to place it in front of him with the straw pointing at me. When I wanted to take a drink, he would slide it towards me while holding on to the bottom of the glass. Who else thinks he was overreacting?



Then I got distracted by my food arriving. Mmmmmm funky smelling food that tastes delicious!



(The one with the orange? That's Orange Chicken Brian.)

At the end of the meal (I brought home most of my food because they give you enough of it to feed a family of 7 AND their pets), we were brought our fortune cookies. Mine said "Opportunity awaits you next Monday"... unfortunately, I'm confused as to what Monday. If it were tomorrow, wouldn't it have said "this coming Monday"? Or did it just mean the NEXT Monday in my life? Stupid fortune cookies ruining my life! Now I'm going to be freaking out looking over my shoulder! Andy's said "Fortune will smile upon you", I predict great things for the Cor-Rut family.



Even though technically we were going out for Andy's birthday, we went to see my Brad in Burn After Reading. I'm not sure if the critics liked or hated this movie but we thought it was hilarious! (No, I'm not biased because my beautiful Brad is in it, it really was funny!)


And so ended my date. All in all I give it a 7 out of a possible 10 because he only let me get to 3rd base.

○\○\○\○\/○/○/○/○ ○\○\○\○\/○/○/○/○ ○\○\○\○\/○/○/○/○

Don't forget to vote for me at Humor Bloggers dot com. It seems the voting ends on December 31st so don't dilly dally! LINK FOR VOTING HERE.

This post brought to you by Dead Tree Lumber.


Dead Tree Lumber, the only wood you will need to keep you keep warm because your furnace decided to crap out on you just because of a little flood.
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Crusty crunchy white stuff... my nickname in high school?

You know how when you first start dating someone, everything they do is cute?

"Oh look, she burps after every bite of food she takes! awwww!"

"Hee hee! He just readjusted his package and made THE MOST adorable face!"
Look how happy... RUN RUN RUN!!
Later it becomes:

"DO YOU HAVE TO BURP ALL THE TIME?? I could smell you had sausage!"

"DO YOU WANT SOME PRIVACY WHILE TOUCHING YOURSELF??"

You know, because your relationship evolves and that mushy pink haze floats away and leaves behind the smell of burnt tires? (the smell of disillusionment!)

This morning, after I had brushed my TEETH (still intact thank you very much!) I went to dry my hands on the very chic hand towel, when I noticed some dried white stuff. (GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER!)(You know you went there.)

Since I am a curious person by nature, I looked a little closer and identified the powdery white substance as being dried toothpaste.

Now, the hand towel is HERE and the tube of tooth paste is HERE... -This is not the actual towel in question. That was replaced faster than you can say yucko-guacko-whatthefucko. I did add the white to it as a reenactment so you could see how gross it was and maybe relive my trauma with me. Also, I removed the name of the toothpaste cuz they don't pay me to advertise. And! If there is an electrician out there reading this, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell me the outlet is not up to code. I KNOW THIS since I happen to be married to a man that *dabbles* in the art of electricity who complains about it ALL THE TIME! And yet, it's still there. Did I tell the chick up there to RUN??-

...so I naturally ruled the tube out of being guilty and went on to my next suspect.

Bee:
Andy, did you dry your gunky toothpasty mouth on the freakin' hand towel??

---

Bee again:

Andy, did you dry. Your gunky toothpasty mouth. ON THE FREAKIN' HAND TOWEL??

(I had to repeat my question because, as usual, he was in his own land of make believe where you have to be a troll for him to hear you. That in itself is becoming a problem because I'm beginning to repeat questions in other settings too! I used to be sane but the people around me are making me crazy.)

Andy:

Yup!

--BEE BLOWS UP--

%^#$#*@ &^^#^ *!#$%^&*@ (Edited for television)

Andy:

What? I've been doing it ever since I was a little kid! What do you want me to do?

Bee:
For starters, try to keep the toothpaste inside your mouth? If you do slobber it all over your face, maybe rinse it and not transfer it onto a TOWEL I USE TO DRY MY HANDS!!

Andy [::shrugs::]:
I can't make any promises.

.

Then he went back to make-believe land.

I know what your going to say. "Oh Bee! You are so lucky to still be discovering things about each other after all these years!"

Ummm yeaaaah. I wish I would discover he had a great-great-great uncle who left him millions. Then he could smear toothpaste on my hair until it was crusty and crunchy and I'd be all smiles.

P.S.
He came over before I hit *post* and asked, "Hey, you know that toothpaste thing? Can you not blog about it? It might seem gross to some people."
I responded with a kiss and a pat on the back "I can't make any promises!"

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THIS MESSAGE TO MY MOTHER IN LAW:
Mom R., I'm just kiddin'! You know I love your son more than pistachio ice cream! ;o) But, if you ever want him to stay at your house for a month or so, gimme a jingle.

Of all the chicken joints in all the world, you had to be in mine!

Do you guys remember the post I did about the Norman Bates in training I used to work with?? He had a weird crush on me that was borderline obsession?? You don't remember?
Come on!
The one I asked to kill me the day before my 50th birthday? And he promised he would?!?!

On Sundays, we usually give my mom a cooking break and either eat out or pick something up. She wanted Brown's Chicken so she and I drove to the one by my house. The one we've been to about 40 times in 4 years. I had a surprise waiting for me this time.

I had to take this picture sneaky-ly... and he has long hair... ????
YUP! THAT'S HIM!!! When I wrote he looked like Milton from Office Space, I didn't realize how accurate I was!

I recognized him immediately. He's gained weight but then who hasn't.
I was hoping he wouldn't remember me but I am one to leave a serious impression on people's brains (sometimes I use a hammer).
Really. It's hard to forget me. Even though I think I've changed a lot in 11 years I guess I've retained some of my cuteness. ;o)

I started ordering all nonchalant like and he asked "Would you happen to be Bianca Lastname" not "hey, are you Bee?" or "Did you used to work at Brown's?" noooo! He not only recognized me he also remembered my FULL NAME.

Crap!

There I was, in my tattered gardening clothes (shorts with dangling threads, old t-shirt with wax stains thanks to Andy making me help him wax his car and then torturing me with hugs!), no make up and hair pulled away from my face. Gah! If I would have known I was going to bump into a former admirer, I'd have spruced myself up a bit and not looked like a homely housewife with a hangover. Well, at least I was clean(ish)!

I swear that when I smiled at him and said it was me, he could not stop grinning! Awwww!

Anyway, he gave me a run down on his life. He works at another Brown's but was filling in at mine because someone was on vacation etc. Then he asked me what I've been up to. I let him know I worked at an orthopedic's office and that I had moved to the burbs.

I NEVER MENTIONED ANDY!! Oops! Maybe I should have started there? I should have said "Yeah, this chick is taken! I married an an ogre killer!"

My food was ready and as I was leaving, he told me to say "Hi" to brother Dan! He even remembered DAN!! We sure do make an impression on people.

And as I was pulling into my driveway, I remembered... I SHOULD HAVE CALLED OFF THE HIT! What's the matter with me people??? If he remembered all the other stuff about me, he for sure remembers the promise he made.

Well, I've lead a good life with lots of chocolate.

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I can't think of a freakin title so make one up once you read this post. Thanks for playing!

Okay.
There are some people in the blogusphere that brag they have the best commentators in the world.

I would have to disagree and say I have the best ones in the world/solar system/galaxy/universe... INFINITY! If those same fake claimers give me any grief, I'll have to bitch slap them into seeing it my way.

You guys never cease to amaze me. The comments on my last post (HILARIOUS!!! YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE BLOGS! ... Oh.) prove to me you are heartless and have no sympathy for those less socially fortunate than us. I like that about you! :o)

I need to explain why I felt crappy about not putting any extra effort into signing Milton’s card.

It took me back to school, when the unpopular kid wouldn’t get an invite to the popular kids’ parties. I think I’ve said before how I never chose friend’s based on popularity or what cool gadgets they could bring into our friendship.

(ALTHOUGH... I do remember walking off in a huff with my volleyball one time because I got mad at my best friends for not letting me be Kelly, THE Kelly from Charlie’s Angels? But I was only about 7 or 8 at the time.)

I know she felt as if I was excluding her from my *click* when I didn’t mean to do any such thing. I really didn’t think much of it. I didn't know they talked about the nutty things I wrote on their cards because half the time I don’t even remember what the hell I’ve just written.

If somebody draws first blood (hee hee RAMBO reference) I have no problem switching gears to Mondo Bitch but I would never purposely hurt someone’s feelings. As inconsequential as the little message would have been, it did upset her. Sooo, I will be keeping my douche award thank you very much.

But!!!

I appreciate all of you fellow loonies making me feel better! If not for my anti-social personality added to that the fact that I don't like to be touched -or touch people for that matter, I'd give you all a handshake.

By the way, I’m not trying to imply I’m the popular kid here at Arkham Asylum… hmmm, I guess I am. I can’t help being this cool. Also, I have no *clicks* at work, I am the Alpha chick, the lone wolf(-ess?), I drink alone (youtube).

Do you know what Karma’s payback was? I tried to think of what I would have written and I couldn’t think of a gotdang thing! I lost my MOJO!

This is all I could come up with:

It’s a good thing you’re an account, after this birthday, you’ll need your degree to count that high!

I'm so ashamed!

♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀♂♥♀

And now for some more marital bliss entitled "I see more chocolate in my future"

(The following took place after I told Andy the whole family was coming over for a visit.)

Andy:
I’ll be home at 5 or so. I hope I can get in the driveway.

Bee:
You’ll probably be home before anybody else gets there.

Andy:
If not, I’m parking my car in front of Dan’s and he’ll just have to sleep over. “Yeah, how do you like that, Dan? Want some eggs for breakfast?”

Bee:
Hey! How come you never offer me eggs?

Andy:
You’re not a guest.

Bee:
What if I leave you and come back for a visit?

Andy:
You might find you’ve been replaced!

Bee:
… … …

Andy:
So. Um. Hello? I meant by Mocha. She would take over your side of the bed. That’s all I meant. I didn’t mean, you know. I was just…

Bee:
… … …

Andy:
So, do you want to go to a movie this weekend? Buy some plants? Shoes???

Sometimes, the most dangerous weapon is silence.
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PSA #4754- The car you love and the man who sabotages it.

Hey! I haven't done a PSA in forever!
Ladies, if your husband ever calls you and is FRANTIC, because he thinks your car is going to die while he's driving home after having taken it to get an oil change, where he found out the thingy that blah blah the battery was corroded, let him know that as long as the car is on and your alternator is working fine, you can actually remove the battery and go on your merry way while singing show tunes.* It won't start again once you turn it off but I'm sure the fairies will fix it. When he got home (after he give me hugs and kisses for not picking up my phone until the seventh time he called) (HEY MAN! I WAS READING!), he showed me how they had jimmy-rigged the thingy so that the car would start.
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That there is tape. Regular scotch tape. You know, the one you would use to wrap gifts for your loved ones? The one that only sticks to paper or skin (making scary faces by putting tape on your eyelids and then sticking them to your forehead=AWESOME Saturday nights!)?
Please excuse the messy insides. If I would have known I would be sharing the guts of my car, I would have dusted.
This is the best the guys at The Boob Lube could come up with? Have they not heard about duct tape??? It holds the world together!
How about learning a little bit more about cars? Now I have to smell the burning plastic every time I turn on my car! This doesn't let me appreciate the smell of burning tires when I merge into traffic!
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He was having some difficulty removing the nut because the corrosion was so bad, it had a welding effect on the washer so I decided to help him with my own tools. His are the big ones with the DIRTY blue handles, mine are the cute ones that say IKEA. Then I got bored, because there are only so many new swear words your brain can learn in one day, so I sat in the garden to read my book while he went on grunting a few feet away. At this point I was only 100 pages away from the end of the rambling 750 page book I was reading and I could taste the finish line! (It tasted of human ribs and pasta)
Andy told me I could go inside since he no longer needed my assistance but it was a beautiful weekend here in Chi-townland so I decided to take advantage of the cool breeze (not to mention I wanted to be within hearing distance in case he caused any MORE damage to my Mini Tank or you know, he exploded)!
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He was finally able to remove all offending metal particles (by sawing them off) that didn't belong in my car and replace the bastard piece that was preventing the juice from making my car hummmmmmmmm (all this is technical stuff so if you don't understand, it's okay).

Ooh Shiny! That's Andy's hand. Isn't it beautiful?? And it's not soft either!.
There are a couple of things I wish I would have known before this little adventure.
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I wish I'd known how toxic the white powder on the battery was. You see, after I helped with the untightification of the nut, Andy dared me to stick my whole hand in my mouth before washing it! Yeah, he is soo trying to kill me!

His warning to me this morning was "Let me know if you see sparks" I swear I heard him mumble "If it's not too late..."
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Other thing is, just because your car is running smoothly (until your husband has it for one hour then everything goes to shit!!!!), it doesn't mean you shouldn't pop the hood and check it out to see if it needs anything like say, a cleaning from the acid overflowing from the battery.

All in all, we both learned something new.

Me: Battery liquids/powders = BAD

Andy: My wife knows more about cars than I do.

*I'm not a mechanic (as you can tell by all my non-technical terms) but I've had a shit-ton of crappy cars which made me learn things the hard way. If you ask my family, they'll tell you I blame any car malfunctions on the alternator.
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P.S.
Yes, yes. I know we need to replace the battery but I'm gonna wear out that four dollar piece he had to buy first.
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P.P.S.
I finished the book and will have a review (nothing too detailed) on it another day. Stephenie Meyer fans will hate me but they can take a number and wait at the back of the line along with the weird tourist who was asking for directions to the Sear's Tower and I mistakenly directed him to the Hancock building. I might have been a little tipsy that day.

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Can I hire TWO hotties??

After my Friday boxing match meeting with OZ, (where he wondered why certain accounts are not being worked on and I responded by saying that the cloning machine was defective, it did not produce 20 Bees like I had hoped but it did clear up my complexion) he has now given me authorization to hire my summer assistant.

At first, I was a little upset because this would mean I’d have to dedicate valuable time to training a newbie in the art of Office Bat Mocking… I just don’t have the energy for it.

Then, I became angry because it would totally cut into my blog reading and we all know this is what keeps me, in a harmonious balance nobody alive would benefit by shifting, both sane and insane. Can you imagine me sane? Neither can I.

After listing the pros and cons, I’ve decided to be happy for the chance of corrupting another young mind.

Here is a small list of duties I came up with:

Get here on time to sign me in (where he will wait half an hour for me to arrive but that’s okay because he can make coffee while waiting).

Dust my desk (you’re probably thinking this is an easy task but he would have to move all my junk meticulous files and then put them back exactly where they were)

Once I arrive, get my coffee. (I’d do it myself but I’d already be running late)

Heat up my lunch.

Take Mocha to the groomers.

Take my clothes to the dry-cleaners.

Pick it up when it’s ready.

...

☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼

Uh, this is all I have for now. I would like to add that I’m hoping the following people apply for this coveted position:
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Brad Pitt
Orlando Bloom
Ryan Reynolds

BRAD PITT
David Beckham
Any other hot actors/musicians/sports dudes

If you know any of them and think they would be willing to work for minimum wage and doing menial tasks, let them know to fax their résumés with a picture of themselves in provocative poses to my attention.
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Maybe somebody over at Humor-Blogs would like to apply to be my whipping boy?

P.S.
I’m just kidding. They wouldn’t have to get my coffee. Everybody knows I’m very particular about how I drink my coffee.
.

P.S.S.

An added bonus is that I am a very cool boss. Very cool. And fun.

.

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I am a tad impatient.

DEAR GOD ANDY! WHAT NOW???

I’m not gonna say Andy has driving issues. Nope. Those words will not come out of my mouth or er, fingers. I just want to point out that years of me pulling my car into the garage have never resulted in this.
My car is at the bottom of that pile of massacred bins.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, put my car in the garage so as not to back into it AGAIN.
Instead, THAT SOMEBODY, knocked into the tower of bins we have lined up against the wall, rigging them to fall after the garage door closed therefore leaving them for me to find this morning when I was in my usual hurry to get to work.

What?
You say it’s my fault for putting them in the garage in the first place?
Ha! I put them exactly where the husband told me to so neener neener to you!

I had to remove bin guts from my car which caused me to, not only be late for work (well, LATER THAN USUAL), once I got to work I couldn’t remember if I had closed the gawt dang garage door!

I had to get my happy ass back in my car and drive ALL* the way home, just to check on the door that I must’ve closed in the middle of all my mumbling and grumbling without realising because it was closed!

When I called Andy to inform him of the daily obstacles he litters my life's path with, just for shits and giggles, he said I get flustered too easily and I need to get ahold of myself.

Isn't he a sweetie pie? He's just lucky I didn't know where his happy ass was stationed at the moment because I would have driven over there and given him a fluster of fists to the face. Just kidding. maybe.

*Okay, so it was only 10 minutes round trip but those are 10 minutes I will never get back! What if I needed those 10 minutes to do something useful? Like maybe click on Humor-Blogs? Sure, I can find the time somewhere else but then I'd have to put off doing something else. Who will tell the children I can no longer teach them how to read and write? THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (I have no idea what that’s about so don’t ask)
Also, if you're thinking I had time to do a post WHILE AT WORK... who asked you?

Bachelor Party Part Deux and Inflatable J-Lo.

-Day 87.-I go to strip clubs, I like strip clubs... I really want to be a stripper, I'm doing comedy to get into stripping.- Sarah Silverman

So... I found out more about the lewd shenanigans my hub-bub might be a part of at that cursed bachelor party.

They were sent a naughty e-mail with the picture of a blond bimbo whose face I have committed to my memory.

You know, in case I ever bump into her at the mall, while she's buying a pair of size 12 shoes because she has abnormally large feet.
I will walk up to her and punch her in the face while I step on her ginormous big toe.

They also advertised nude cruises, topless whirlyball (? who's topless the men or the women?) and other crap I can't remember. No. I will NOT post the link to this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah!

The Best Man went all out and became super freakin' organized! I bet he can't plan a party for his wife but when it comes to naked hoochies, booze and men, he's fuckin' J-Lo in The Wedding Planner!

This means that party is going to be more than my little brain can handle.
After today, I will do what women throughout the ages have done and live in the world of denial while knitting my own underwear.

Speaking of J-Lo, strippers and debauchery...
Just when I think I couldn't be shocked, I hear about the new answer to blow up dolls... Inflatable Celebrities. There's so much I could say about this but really, what else is there to say?

-----------------------------------------------------------Edited for television.

"My List" of freebies begs for more. 10 is better than 5!

-Day 58. Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.- Mae West
**Warning contains expicit material! Okay, maybe not but this was posted with hub-ub's"permission".**

After watching Ryan Reynolds in "Definitely Maybe", I am currently in negotiations to up my "My List*” from 5 to 10.

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I can’t keep removing men from it in good conscience. They’ll start getting jealous and fighting each other... who needs more trouble in Hollywood? Not me.

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Here’s my list of likely suspects:

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Brad Pitt:

Forever and ever Amen! Bex claims he changes his hair to match his current flame so I told her I'll be looking forward to him dying it black with burgundy/red streaks.
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Paul Walker:

Smiley blue eyes! Great smile. Delicious to look at. All around hot guy on wheels.
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Ryan Reynolds:

Guy next door. Guy I could have gone to school with and dated.
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The dude from that one movie whose name I can’t remember:

Hispanic guy with a gorgeous voice. As soon as I typed that I remembered the name of the movie "Domino" and the guy's name is Edgar Ramirez yu-umm-o

(::sigh:: why must life always burst my rubber bubbles??? I just looked him up and he doesn't look as good. Probably because he cut his hair! Dang Nabbit people stop messing with the looks that make me want to put you on my list!) (I'll leave him on until I decide what to do, it's too much pressure right now.)
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Jack Johnson:

His music makes me want to be on a beach with a Corona or Margarita in my hand, watching the sunset.

(Sorry EWBL, I know he makes you want to stick a knitting needle in your ear.)
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Sawyer from Lost:

Dirty smile. I like scruffy guys more than I like men who are always conscience of how they look. Sawyer, for you, I'm willing to say soap schmoap!

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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson:

Clean smile. Muscles galore! Nuff said.
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Jason Bourne (not Matt Damon, JASON BOURNE):

There's something about a guy being able to kill with his bare hands that makes me swoooooooon. As long as he's not trying to kill me that is. Besides, we know who would win that fight, right Babe?
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Elvis:

Obviously when he was thin AND alive. Very important for him to be alive.

(Did I ever tell you guys about the time my pops wore a shirt from Halloween that said "I'm a Necrophiliac"? He walked around the mall with me until I made him put on his jacket!?!?! Good times.)

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Maroon Five (lead singer not the whole band):

I'm sure if I wiki'd him, I could find his name but I already did all that research on that Edgar Ramirez disappointment so we'll just pretend his name is Steve. Anyway, Steve's songs make me sigh for the past/present/future.

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I was going around blogland on Tuesday, not doing much work, when I came across Leigh's post about bald men. Then Bex's about Brad Pitt and I'm thinking we might need to have us a chocolate fondue party! ;o)

*I've sent Urban Dictionary my definition and they said they'll get back to me. Since I couldn't wait, I joined up to be an editor because I have SO much time on my hands.

Don't forget to click for me cuz I'm slowly sliding off the face of the Earth.

PSA #547-- 2 for the price of 1!

So... I know I did one on Friday but something happened to me this morning that all women should be made aware (and some men, I don't judge)!
-

First part of PSA:

-

Ladies, after you take your shower and dry your gorgeous body, make sure the toilet seat is down before you bend over [BWAHAHA!] to dry your hair and put it in our classic after shower turban style. Why? ... ... ...

One end of the towel might go into the toilet without you realizing it and you won't find out until after you've twisted the towel, stood up and the soaked end is dripping down your clean naked back! ::shiver!::

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If this does happen, you have no choice but to take another shower.

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Second Part of PSA:

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Husbands:

If your wife tells you she's going to take a shower and you call her cell phone while she's in the shower, chances are... she will not pick up the call!

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DO NOT GET ANGRY!

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What? Do you want her to get electrocuted?

Is death your master plan?

Like In "Dial M for Murder"?

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Jack Asses!

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Disclaimer:

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The second part of the PSA does no reflect any true life events, it is purely fictional and does not have anything to do with Andy calling me while I was in the shower to ask me something about toilet paper while he was at the grocery store.