Tuesday, July 26, 2011

More Asylum woes… to the nose…

Me to myself “Okay, Bee, today is Tuesday. You got through Monday without any threats to first degree homicide anybody so you can get through Tuesday! You can do it! You can do it! YOU CAN DO IT!!”

Just then Glynda walks in: I need to inform everybody that Scarecrow has herpes of the mouth. She is not at the moment contagious but she will be once it starts weeping so be careful with the things you touch.”

Me: Uhhhhhhh why is she here and not under bio-hazard arrest?

Glynda: ::shrugs::

Because that is what we always expect from management, a fucking shrug!

Me: Can you make sure she doesn’t go around touching everything in sight? Maybe sticks to the phone in her X-Ray room?

Glynda [another fucking shrug]: Just don’t touch your mouth/eyes/nose.

Do you guys know how hard it is to keep from tapping your lips when you’re thinking? I mean, I’m not saying I rely solely on this method to coax answers outta my brain but it is a habit, I have to tap-tap-tap my fingers over my lips as if I was playing a flute.

Me: I don’t mean to sound insensitive but it’s just that I went all these years trying not to catch any type of crazy diseases so I’m a little worried!

Glynda: You’ll be fine as long as you disinfect your hands every time you come back to your desk. Try really hard not to touch your face.

Do you guys know how badly a nose starts itching once it knows (pun pun pun!) you can’t touch it?

Scarecrow, I don’t know what you did to get herpes of the mouth but I hope it was worth it!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Milton loses her marbles!

Oh lord! Milton lost her pencil again! I have been at work for an hour and have been asked 5 times if I've seen it.

Me: Uh, I haven't moved from this spot in an hour. Unless it has tiny little legs and a map, I don't see how it could have made its way to my desk.

Milton: I know I keep asking you but I'm hoping you'll surprise me.

So I get up, grab a BRAND NEW PENCIL FROM THE SPECIAL SUPPLY CABINET, sharpen it and say:


Milton: Very funny but I need MY pencil.

And people wonder why I nicknamed her Milton from Office Space...

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sometimes, life gives you a thumbs up!

So, you know how I’m always complaining about my bad luck and yucky job and other family related stress factors? Well not today! Today I am feeling lucky!

About a month ago, I signed up to see if I could be one of the lucky few who would get a sneak peak at the new Casino opening up near my house. I had already given up hope because it was only 6 days away and I hadn’t received any news and then it happened! I got the email saying I was in!

::insert bad dancing here::

Woohoo! Andy and I will get all gussied up so we may enjoy an evening of free food, non-alcoholic beverages, MORE FREE FOOD, maybe some coffee and some “gambling” . I say “gambling” because I’m not a fan of money being set afire which to me is the equivalent of gambling so we will probably just place our own bets like "how much do you want to bet that lady isn't wearing underwear?" and then we'll be escorted out once we ask her.

Ironically, even though everything will be complimentary, we've spent quite a few Thomas Jeffersons preparing for this event. Andy and I got haircuts, I tortured a poor lady by making her give me a mani-pedi, my car needed professional washing since it hadn't been washed thoroughly since before the time my mom left a package of chicken breast in the trunk for 5 days. IN 90 DEGREE WEATHER. Lucky for me, I already had the perfect shoes to wear.

 It's gonna be awesome!

This was supposed to be posted on 7/15/11 but I guess my shoes were too hot for blogger!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Tales from the Marriage Crypt

So, on Sunday, Andy and I went on our weekly date to Costco. As we were walking through the parking lot, I couldn't help but notice an attractive couple putting large quantities of water and beer in their car. The chick was wearing tiny shorts and a tiny top and both kept pulling this way and that way as she bent forward leaving nothing to the imagination.

When we walked passed them, we overheard her yelling at him about something he had done and once we got inside Costco this happened:

Andy: Wow! She's really yelling at him! And he will put up with it, you know why?

Me: Because she's hot?

Andy: Yep. Only reason.

Me: Then why do you put up with me yelling at you?

Andy: [silence, silence, silence] Because you're my girl.

Awwww! Look at him sidestepping a landmine! So cute!

Now, this can be taken 1 of 2 ways:

Wincing and saying ouchie because that was a bad blow to the ego or being happy at the progress a marriage has made because 2 years ago the response would have been "I have too because we're married".

I went with the latter. I have no delusions of hotness. After all, here I sit with my chicken sheared bangs and eyebrows that haven't been plucked since before my sister had Isabella 3 years ago (hint hint NANCY!). I mean, sure, women all over want to think their husbands find them hot but I've come to accept that I'm not Andy's type (took a while but I did it! Yay me!) it's a surprise to me we even made it through our "courtship" phase. Which I guess is also something to take comfort in since we've made it this far.

Two years ago he would have just said whatever came into his head instead of thinking about the best answer that wouldn't leave a trail of hurt feelings behind. It's not that I blame him for his lack of sensitivity because that is what he was raised with, I submit this conversation we had over dinner with his parents as evidence:

Andy's Dad: … and so I told Jim, you have to look for a girl that's going to be good for you. It doesn't matter if she's pretty or not. [then says to me] He has dated a lot of lookers but it can't always be about being attractive. No offense, Bee… not to say that you're ugly.

I almost choked on my corn! I guess I should be thankful for having people around me that keep me grounded! "with friends like those, who needs enemies"? ::wonk wonk!:: [squeezes clown nose for joke emphasis]

Anyway, I got a warm fuzzy feeling from his answer. I think this goes to show that I have made some progress too. Instead of internalizing comments like that and lashing out in resentment, I can now shrug it off and write a passive aggressive post about it.

On a sad note:

One of the Asylum's long time workers is leaving. He is who I call the Tin-Man and I've talked about him very little on this blog because he is the only *normal* person here. Life here is going to be even less bearable because he was the one that managed to keep OZ in somewhat of a good mood, I think because OZ lived vicariously through him since he is charismatic and also hot. He was my lunch buddy that would listen to me rant and rave about all the bats and their latest idiocies. I predict many a dark day at Arkham Asylum.

Did I mention he's hot?