Just when I think things at work can't get any worse I get an unexpected kick to the crotch.
I don't know if you've noticed, OR CARE, but I have not mentioned my search for an assistant this year. It's partly because I'm a superstitious fool and I do believe that me saying the words out loud or, you know, on a post, may jinx my overworked-but-happy-not-to-have-a-moron-hanging-from-my-neck life.
Unfortunately for me, some people at the Asylum do not have enough work to do so the next "" logical "" step is to assign one of these bladdernuts to me. As my assistant.
Who was the lucky dingbat to have the honor of working with me? Scarecrow the X-ray tech. I freaked out of course because, besides thinking she knows everything about fake cheese, she is also an idiot. I reached out to the one person who I knew would sympathize, my former (AWESOME) assistant, BD. At first he was a pain in the ass because we obviously speak in different generations. My generation is smarter, stronger, nicer. His is mean, vindictive and whiney. But then he came through as he always did when he worked alongside me at the nuthouse.
This conversation took place via texts:
Bee: Dude! They want to assign Scarecrow to be my part-time assistant!!!
Bee: What’s with the”?”? Did u not hear me or are u as shocked as i am?
BD: I am fucking shocked!! WTF r they thinking?
Bee: I dunno but I’m having a h-attack just thinking bout it!
Bee: HEART attack! jeez louise u’re young dontcha know the lingo?
BD: Young people dont worry about “H-ATTACKS” we also dont say “jeez louise” or “lingo”
Bee: Don’t change the subject. What am I gonna do??
BD: Shes got bad knees just pus her.
Bee: WTF? ‘pus’ hahahahaha!! and also eww!
BD: Old people shouldnt be texting
Bee: Young people should respect their elders
BD: pfft! I like pushing them into traffic
Bee: I will save that text for when you become a slimy politician
BD: Senator I have no idea who this “bee” is
-5 hours later because I got busy working so I didn’t respond-
Bee: ‘well’ what?
BD: Whats going on with the asst thing
Bee: Nothing yet. She just went around saying ‘I’m gonna be BD’
Bee: Yep with a capital STUPIDASS!
BD: She doesnt have the looks to be me
Bee: I dunno, u both look like muppets
BD: Old people start smelling funny at 37
Bee: Why are you sniffing old people? New fetish?
BD: THAT WAS DISGUSTING!
Bee: U started
BD: I was thinking about it and you should use this argument:
-A BUNCH OF MINUTES GO BY-
BD: “Her prior indiscretions demonstrate she may be prone to relay personal info at inopportune times thereby violating PHI/HIPAA making her a liability”
Bee: ::blink blink:: great idea!
BD: Thatll be $300
Bee: You learned that shit from ME for FREE fool!
BD: 300 bucks will keep me on retainer for the rest of ur life or until u turn 50
Bee: Why 50?
BD: Dont u have some psycho hit on urself?
Bee: Thanks. Now my nightmares will return
BD: I will even represent Andy in the wrongful death suit
Bee: Knowing it’s gonna happen, doesn't that make everybody accessories?
BD: As my own council, i am ending this conversation
Bee: I win! Get used to hearing that.
BD: When did you become so cruel?
Bee: That’s what old age does to a person- look at Jerry Lewis
BD: Is that the guy from the grateful dead?
Bee: No that’s Jerry Garcia he’s dead but that was more due to drugs than age. Lewis was the original nutty professor now he’s a cranky old dude.
BD: Thanks for the useless trivia- ROLLS EYES
Bee: Dont u need to shine ur snakeskin boots and go sing karaoke, country style?
BD: Thats tomorrow. Let me know how it goes with OZ. Otherwise plan b
BD: Arent u gonna ask what plan b is?
Bee: What is it?
BD: u re-hire the asst from last year.
Bee: I hate you.
BD: LMFAO theres some “lingo” for you
Don't tell that big headed fool that his advice actually worked. I'd never hear the end of it!