Monday, May 4, 2009

Sometimes, I dig deep from my real life experience to help those I love stay out of prison.

So you know how some people talk about how they have nothing going on in their lives (BRIAN! even though he went to Tahiti but refuses to share the details)? I’ve gotta say I sometimes envy them. Living on a rollercoaster can be rough and then those few times you’re off the rollercoaster you feel like a sailor coming off of a boat after being on it for 60 days and trying to get back their land legs but instead you wind up light headed, dizzy, disoriented, pukey, gassy, with a disease ridden whore. Oh uh, well

The moms and I got pulled over by the fuzz on Friday. Yeah, that’s right. We were one block away from home and she was driving her sensible four door Nissan Sentra at a reasonable speed and we must have had about 20 coppers tailing us. Yeah, that’s right. TWENTY. Okay two.

My mom had just made this comment:

“ooh. There’s 2 police cars behind me. I’m shaking!” but she was kidding because the moms is a 100% law abiding citizen who only once destroyed a maryjane plant and then chucked its remains in random neighbors' garbage cans lest the boys in blue came to our door with a search warrant. The plant was only about this high and she was nurturing it because she thought it was ivy.

Then the lights started flashing and we heard the “Doowoop” from their sirens.

While she was looking all nervous, and so was Maria, THE VEGETARIAN (who was in the back seat trying to hide the Mickey Dee’s bag she was holding whose smell almost made me vomit even thinking about it now makes me want to hurl raspberries), I was all “Ma’ relax, I’m here!” Ma’ Barker she ain’t.

So the copper comes to the window, nice looking fella by the way, and says “Evenin’” and I’m all “Evenin’” and he’s all “Why are you driving with your headlights off?”

Did I mention it was 11:30 in the PM and it was dark out? And that she had turned off the lights while we waited for Maria, THE VEGETARIAN, to come back from getting McDonald's with fake meat and the formula for food poisoning after we picked her up from the train? Which was really for my brother Rick. And then she forgot to turn the lights back on and so we blatantly cruised by 2 coppers while they chitchatted? Yeah, that’s right.

I explained the situation to the nice lookin’ fella and he went back, ran her license and must have found out how much of saint my moms is because he said. “Okay, this is a warning but turn on your lights, m’mkay?” Yes officer. Whatever you say. Let me just update my facebook status. Yeah, that's right.

And so we giggled as we drove the ONE block to get home.

Yeah, that’s right. We’re outlaws. But at least we avoided the disease ridden whore.


  1. First!

    Did they confiscate the food?

  2. Avoiding the Disease Ridden Whore. Great phrase, and I believe, the title of Bill Clinton's Memoirs.

    Funny stuff, Bee, glad I found your blog. I look forward to more!


  3. Police, disease riddled whores, burgers, dope ... this post has it all!

  4. you girls really know how to live it up.. almost Thelma and Louise style.

  5. I didn't realize I was friends with an outlaw.

    kinda makes me giddy

  6. Oh, please! A warning. I love when cops say that, like you're mom is going to go out joy riding now in the middle of the night with her headlights off, tempting fate, shaking her fists at the law!

    Of course, if she was shaking her fists and didn't have her hands on the proper spots on the steering wheel, she'd probably end up with another warning!

  7. You should have asked the cop to frisk her ... given mom something to giggle about.

  8. My mom would have pooped her pants and then yelled at me!

  9. LOL, great post, reading it made me feel like I was sitting back watching an airing of...Adam 12 (ha ha) or something. Tooo funny! Damn, but now I'm craving Mickey D's, and I don't even care for it all that much, lol.

    Keep up the funny stuff, always a joy to read.

  10. you should have me on retainer just in case you need council. so what if you end up in jail for a few years on a traffic violation? i need some practice anyway

  11. You are living on the edge. Next time try driving really fast with your eyes closed. It gives you an even better "in the dark" experience.

  12. The old "I thought it was an ivy plant" excuse, huh?

  13. nothing good ever comes from being a vegetarian!!!

  14. Scary scary life you guys live. Man, I sure won't be going anywhere with my veggy friend anytime soon! Thanks for the heads-up.

  15. Brian:
    Sadly, no.

    Thank you! ;o)

    A better Friday night I could not have had. ;o)

    Damn! Now I want a convertible!

    jean knee:
    You and I will be looking for own version of Brad Pitt, jean knee.

    Yeah, my mom looks like the innocent type.

    Yeah, that's right!

    ha ha ha my mom would have passed out!

    Aww my mom almost did too. Lucky for both us, I've been pulled over before... wait.

    Fight the urge for Mickey Dee's. Fight the urge and you'll avoid the purge! ;o)


    I'll try it but if something happens, coming after you!

    Ha! Yeaaaah.

    Well, she's skinny...

    Yep. We hard!

  16. I've done this so many times and the worst is that cars honk at you and you're all ASSHOLE, stop honking. Then you realize and turn them on and go, "Look, I can see now."


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.