Monday, May 18, 2009

Yesterday, while gardening, I realized it was hard to be the creator.

I was digging up patches of grass yesterday and as I was pulling it up piece by piece, I found out why it had begun to brown. Our side yard is infested with grubs. I would post a picture but those damn things are the ugliest looking insects I have ever seen. They are the Benicio del Toro of bugs.


As I was throwing the diseased grass into a container for future storage (to throw at my enemies when they piss me off more than usual), I thought about how the rest of the insects were going to suffer because I was removing their habitat. The poor earth worms I was accidentally chopping in half due to my shovel. There was one in particular that made me think about the injustice that is nature (survival of the fittest- or in my case, survival of those with bigger digging apparatuses).

I had just lifted a big chunk of grass when I noticed the poor little worm trying to move the other half of its body. Unfortunately, I must have smashed it when I inserted the shovel to get better leverage because the other half was just not moving.

It kept lifting itself up and it almost seemed like it was looking back at its limp tail(?) and wondering what the hell was going on. So I stood with my shovel debating if I should put it out of its misery or just leave it be. What do I know about worm injuries? Will it live on to be 200 in worm years without the use of its full body?

Then I started wondering if it too was asking why this was happening. I was basically ending the world as it knew it and making it suffer because of some stupid grubs that spoiled it for the rest of them. The grass was no more and in its stead were barren pieces of dirt because a destructive species abused the natural resources and decided to suck the life out of the lawn which was home to so many creepy crawlies.

Creepy crawlies that love climbing up women who stand around pondering too much. Creepy Crawlies that are slimy and icky... BAM! I cut the sucker in half and good riddance!

As vengeance for my version of the apocalypse, when I went to bed, every time I closed my eyes I saw an army of worms, spiders and ants coming at me. It was scary-gross but a little awesome because they did look cute in their army hats.



We have treated some of our lawn with grub killer but I'm removing chunks so that I may expand my garden. I'm telling you this so that I don't get a comment that says "Uh why are you removing your grass one blade at a time when you can just kill the little bastards, you dumbass??" and really that's uncalled for.


  1. Nature is a bitch. This is the decision I've made today after watching a bird peck at a poor, poor bunny with a broken leg that was trying to rest peacefully in my yard. The bunny's broken leg? The result of a run-in with my neighbor's cat. Again, nature at it's most vengegul. In fact, I do think if Mother Nature let down her shawl, she'd look like Benicio. Good call on that one!

  2. I'd like to comment on that Benicio del Toro dude.

    What the heck? Why? How?

    That dude is fugly Bee! FUGLY!

  3. I once took over mowing the lawn from my dad, who had let the grass get really long so it would go to seed and be healthier. Well he forgot to tell me about the nest of baby bunnies he had seen earlier.

    Let's just say I was scared when I had to take care of them they way you took care of the earthworm.

    That is, until I became a butcher.

  4. All this outdoor stuff is hugely overrated. We should just astroturf the whole planet and be done with it. No more bugs and grubs and spiders, no more deserts, and non need to worry about global warming, just green everywhere.

  5. I always prune my lawn one blade of grass at a time. But I am a perfectionist!

  6. Grub worms and fire ants have no real place in this world!

  7. I always prune my lawn one blade of grass at a time. But I am a perfectionist!

  8. I always prune my lawn one blade of grass at a time. But I am a perfectionist!

  9. I find Benicio del Toro strangely attractive

  10. Their going to hunt you down, now that you've killed their queen. Watch your back.. err your feet. LOL

  11. Blacktop the whole wont have these problems anymore!

  12. spiders watch you while youre sleeping

  13. FADKOG:
    Awwww poor little bunny! :o(

    He used to be cute by the chain smoking aged him dramatically.

    You win! Holy crap!

    But what about my pretty flowers?

    I'm sorry, I didn't catch that...

    Fire ants are insanely painful.

    I still didn't catch that...

    Oh! I hear ya'! ;o)

    jean knee:

    Lady S:
    I'm ready for them with my super duper bug spray 10,000!

    I'd have planes landing in my backyard.

    You are evil!

  14. I thought worms regrew (is that even a word?) themselves if they got cut in half.

    Ask your husband, Google.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.