Thursday, May 14, 2009

John J. Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer, thinks my titles are too long but long is in the eye of the bee-holder. Also, I talk about hairy nipples, guacamole and tequila.

Yesterday morning, while in the shower, I was listening to the morning radio show. They were talking about people who remove their wedding rings for XYZ reasons. They had a woman caller who said she was a waitress and removed hers to get more tips. Eric, the Mix's DJ, asked her if she was married and if so, if her husband minded. She said she was married but her husband didn’t mind that she flirts to get more tips since it helps her bring home extra money. Then we found out she was a topless waitress.

So I became all judgmental “what the fuck kind of career is that? I tell ya’ some people have no decency-“ and then she said she brought home $1,200 every night so then I wondered how much a boob lift would cost (the girls ain’t where they used to be).

Okay, I’m not a prude (I hate it when people say prude because it makes me think of people being constipated) but I don’t think I'd personally like to be served by a guy with no shirt no matter how hunky.

ryanreynoldsshirtless hum una hum una what was I talking about? Oh, right!

I already have nightmares about the people that handle my food from when it’s first, killed, harvested, pickled, assembled at a factory from spare parts, etc to when it’s being stored, cooked and then served. Do I need to have the mental image of some guy’s nipple hair floating at the top of my soup? That would be a big honking NO!

Granted topless women don’t have nipple hair (only they do but it’s peach fuzz)(really)(not me though) but my brain cannot wrap itself around the idea of this chick with giant knockers accidentally getting her nips in my guacamole (somewhere in Expensive Suburbland, Andy’s head exploded at the thought).

Maybe I’m just weird?

::sigh::

Andy just said she’s probably a topless waitress at a bar*, not a restaurant so her nips would be in my tequila which kills all germs. Well la dee da! I stand by my post! (and really it’s because I don’t feel like typing something else)

In other news that does not involve boobies, last night we had the granddaddy of all storms. Thankfully we did not lose power or have to build any kind of ark-like structures but the thunder and lightening shook our house on more than one occasion.

Predicting a restless night because Tazz was being his usual “the thunder is chasing meeeeeeeee because it wants to eat meeeeeeeeee” annoying self, I decided to give him a tranquilizer.

Andy, being the voice of unreason, said it might be dangerous to give him a tranq but I argued that it was more dangerous for Tazz to be wandering the streets at midnight in the middle of a thunderstorm. Andy then said ‘but he’s not wandering— oh.’ he wisely relented so I got out of bed, dipped a tranq in strawberry jelly I was out of raspberry), opened his kennel and gave him the pill. When I got back to bed Andy was already snoring away. Typical!

This is exactly what happened after Tazz had the tranq.

Thunder:
KABOOOM!

Tazz:
OU OU OU OUUUUUUUUUUU!

Kennel:
RATTLE SHAKE RATTLE RATTLE

Thunder:
KABOOOM! KABOOOM! KABOOOM! KABOOOM!

Tazz:
OU OU OU OUUUUUUUUUUU! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOUUUUUUUU!

Kennel:
RATTLE SHAKE RATTLE RATTLE

Thunder:
KABOOOM! KABOOOM! KABOOOM! KABOOOM!

Tazz & Kennel:
… [silence]

I did get up to check on him just in case he had decided to end his stay on Earth but when I saw his lopsided grin, I was tempted to take one of those bad boy tranqs myself!

tazz high

Does facilitating my dog with narcotics make me a bad pet owner? Maybe but who asked you?

*I do not know what bar so don't ask!

25 comments:

  1. I saw this video once (don't ask) where a waitress at a coffee shop would ask customers if they wanted cream. If they said yes, she would whip out a boob and squirt some milk into their coffee. That's way worse than a nipple hair...I think.

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  2. your titles are quiet becoming. It's almost like a "sig" of yours. Keep 'em coming as always Bee. :)

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  3. OMG, that photo is awesome - both the one of Ryan Reynolds (aka - MY HUSBAND) and of Tazz. Seriously, if that is what happens when you take a tranquilizer dipped in delicious jelly, then sign me up. Also, if you can get me Ryan Reynolds dipped in jelly, sign me up for that, too!

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  4. So are the radio station going to do a follow-up programme about women who remove their tops to get more tips? I'm sure that's a more decisive factor in this particular case than her ring.

    Unless it was a nipple-ring, of course.

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  5. Somehow I wouldn't mind if THAT guy was my waiter.


    Food wasn't ruined for me until you reminded my how it got on my table thankyouohsomuch.

    Your dog is adorable. Don't worry, you are not a bad pet owner. Tranqing him is the the equivalent of giving your kids Benydryl so they will sleep and leave you the hell alone!

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  6. Imagine my surprise when I saw my name in my feed reader. Then I click on the title of the article only to discover that the piece had nothing to do with me at all...

    Sigh.

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  7. $1200/night you say? Hmmmm...

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  8. I could have gone my whole life without reading Cameron's comment.

    "...so her nips would be in my tequila"

    Thanks for the nightmares!

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  9. i need a fix, can you hook me up?

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  10. True story: I was at a baby shower and a friend tells me she had attended a baby shower (lots of babies!) a few weeks ago. The girl throwing the party tells some of the guests she ran out of milk for her home made brownies and use some of her very own boob milk. AND she knows no one can tell the difference.
    My friend left immediately after that.

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  11. Unfortunately, no - VERY unfortunately, I once "dated" a girl with hairy nipples. The actual black wirey kind of hairs. Once.

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  12. I'm with you on the boob lift! I had this discussion with a friend of mine who is also quite gifted in that department. We both said no reduction, just a little lift when they start to get out of hand.

    Isn't there ANYTHING to do about it?!
    I think I'm going to have to research exercises to HELP boost them.

    Also, I like your tit....les.

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  13. you did the absolute right thing Bee. When it storms here I give Polka Dot a benadryl.Penny, of course, doesn't care.


    and before you PETA freaks get yer panties in a wad my vet told me to give it to, well another dog who was stung by a bunch of bees but when I gave her the benadryl she went right to sleep, so now I use it during storms.

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  14. I'd like to Join Tazz. Give me a dog tranq and we can zone out together.

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  15. so... what if you're a slightly average guy and you have this horrible phobia of upper body hair.
    Could i be your waiter??
    haha

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  16. Here's my question: If the radio guys were asking for reasons why people remove their wedding rings, why did they ask the waitress if she was married when she told them why she took hers off? I mean, she was telling them why she took her wedding rings off and the best they could come up with was "Are you married?"
    GOD MEN CAN BE SO DUMB!!
    And I had the same thought as you when you mentioned a topless man waiter. I've seen some guys who had so much body hair that it could have been considered "nature's snowsuit". I don't want that anywhere near anything that's going near my face, especially my mouth!

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  17. Hey, let me know when you find out how much the breast lifts are cause I am totally in!
    The only problem is that I gave birth to and breastfed three healthy babies and my girls... how do I put this?... Ok, how's this:
    Not only are they no longer where they used to be, but they also deflated somewhere along their journey south.
    I think that was a pretty good explanation.

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  18. One more thing, I happen to like the fact that you have long post titles. They always make me giggle and I figure that if the title alone makes me laugh, the post will be even funnier, so suck it John J. Savo! Leave Bee and her abnormally long post titles alone!
    Oh, and can you mail me a few of those tranqs? I would kill to have that glazed look in my eyes that Tazz has in that picture.

    (Can you tell that I've missed you while on my horrible and long hiatus??)

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  19. I'm surprised Tazz hasn't commited suicide by now, 1,200 a night in tips shiiit why would the husband care....

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  20. Ha! I just read this post to The Hubs and he, very sheepishly, admitted that he once dated a girl with man hair on her nips too! He said they were longer than his chest hairs!
    They didn't go out anymore after that because all he could think of was her hairy nips.
    Haven't any of these women with wirey hair on their nipples ever heard of a little thing called PLUCKING???

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  21. My sister's shih-tzu would have smelled it for AN HOUR before he would eat it and then would have found the pill and spit it out.

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  22. Dammit BEEutiful... stop being so scotch with your post titles and put enough words down that will actually tell you what the post is about... This one was far too short...

    And I have to agree with Jeff... not all female nipple hair is peach fuzz...

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  23. Very seductive eyes in both pictures. LOVE the speed bumps on that guy!

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  24. Well, I can't say I have ever thought about someone's hairy nipple in my mashed potatoes or mojito. Something to think about, for sure...although now, I may not be going out quite so often.

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  25. From my limited experience, the topless male waiters seem to all have been waxed or possibly were hairless to start with, as unlikely as that would seem.

    Thus nipple hairs in my soup would not be an issue.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.