So I started my orientation at ACS (Anonymous Clothing Store) on Saturday. I had to come in for 2½ hours and listen to a CD orienting me on the ways of the fashion world. (P.S. No, I'm not quitting the Asylum. Not until I become a millionaire.)
There was a lot of redundancy of course like ""be clean"" "make sure your clothes are clean"" ""do not swear"" ""don't wear profanity"" which I thought was disappointing because I LOVE wearing profanity! There were also rules on things I think will spoil my fun like "do not harass any individuals while on company property" but on the bright side, everywhere else it's fair game! I mock but I know from personal experience, that there are some people who need to be spoken to as if they were toddlers.
Towards the end of my orientation, I was given a task to pick 3 outfits I thought would be appropriate work apparel. I went out of the orientation area and onto the sales floor where I picked out the snazziest outfits I could find.
I also picked up some accessories, a jacket and a decent pair of shoes to complete the ensemble. I took it to the manager who smiled approvingly and said I was a natural! I nodded and let her know I had been dressing myself since 1982 (for those of you counting, yes, I was 10! Prior to that, my mom was dressing me in those awful frufru dresses that hampered my ability to play kickball).
I left orientation day ready for my very first official day on Sunday.
As I walked into the store on Sunday, and my heels made click click click noises on the tile floor, I was greeted by a fellow employ like so "Are you Bee? Your shoes will make you want to kill yourself by the end of the day!"
Well, hello to you too, Loudmouth McGraw! I immediately had the desire to hang her from the lights by her hair but I think that part was covered in the "do not threaten others with deathly force" part of the orientation manual.
She turned out to be nice but somewhat tacky. And by that I mean, at one point, she looked me up and down then grabbed my hand and exclaimed "Don't we wish we had a man who could buy us a ring like this!" as she admired my fake white gold diamond ring that I had bought myself on clearance for $7. I could have easily let her know of her mistake but a lady never reveals her secrets. Unless she's on her blog.
The day was uneventful. I managed to impress the assistant manager who was training me by suggesting the store credit card to a customer without being prompted, being helpful to customers, answering the phone correctly on the first try and learning how to use the register after only ringing up one customer. What can I say? I'm an awesome trainee! And also I know how to read and follow direction.
Unfortunately for me, while I didn't resort to suicidal thoughts because of my shoes, I did contemplate calling Andy to bring me my slippers so that I may walk to my car after work. Or maybe have him carry me to my car, follow me home and then carry me into the house. Lesson learned, I purchased an inexpensive pair of old lady shoes for my next work day.
The nice sales dude asked me if I wanted them in red. Not even that would make them look good.
Ironically, I paid more for the shoes than I made for the 4 hours I worked but my feet? They will be as happy as toads on a lily pad! Sure they'll be a little embarrassed because of the shoe style but their sacrifice will not go by unappreciated. I'm thinking maybe making it up to them by buying a pair of these:
JUST KIDDING ANDY!
No, I really want them!
To the lady that left her snot ridden Kleenex in the dressing room.
I've got my eyes on you!
P.P.S.
They removed the staples commercial!! I blame you guys.
P.P.P.S
It's back on.
You've been dressing yourself since 1982? Are you sure?
ReplyDeleteI would soooo love a pair of those high heels. Just sayin,' girlfriend. ;)
Bee, you are awesome! I love the shoes. The second pair. The first pair is cute and comfy looking, but those heels...yummy. Congrats on rocking your new job. Did I mention that you're awesome?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it went okay, though you could do with something a bit better than "uneventful" for blogging purposes.
ReplyDeleteIs Milton getting a job at ACS too?
i dont think i can say anything as profound as that last comment but...glad your day went well...and that you now have comfortable shoes. it makes all the difference.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I had to delete the profound comment cuz they were trying to sell me a dinosaur and a colonoscopy. I don't know what kind of party that would have been but I think I'll pass.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about that Kleenex. It must have fallen out of my coat pocket.
ReplyDeleteI guess somebody else had to pick-up the diaper...
;-)
Those comfy shoes look pretty good compared to what's in my closet.
I saw that dumbass commercial when we were out to dinner last night.
ReplyDeleteway to go kickin their arses the first day Bee. no snot rags on your watch.
I've always thought you are an entertaining blogger, and I usually chuckle whenever I visit your site. But this post had me ROLLING with laughter. I literally cracked up the whole read.
ReplyDelete"because I LOVE wearing profanity!"
Killed me.
As did "dressing myself since 1982?"
And, when you said "I am awesome and I know how to read directions" I had tears come out of my eyes I was laughing so hard!
Um..and I think you should definitely get the HOT shoes for days OFF from work!
Friggen HILARIOUS post!
From one shoe freak forced to wear old lady shoes by a retail gig to another - I feel your pain!
ReplyDelete(Those Betsey Johnsons' are gorgeous.)
It's been fun going back through your posts and I have to agree about the shoe thing. After standing up all day in front of the class, my feet are dead. I sometimes just teach in my stockings and hope the principal doesn't come in just then.
ReplyDelete