Me: [nonchalant-like] When I was driving home tonight, I thought I heard a velociraptor chasing me.
Andy: [whips his head to stare at me and I have his full attention which is unusual because he never bothers to glance my way when I'm speaking and that is how he always claims I never told him something because if he doesn't make eye contact, it didn't happen] Huh?
Me: [twitching a little] I was driving and I kept hearing this noise [I stood up and kinda made a squeak/cluck/ftftftft noise] so I turned down the radio thinking it might be that but I still heard the noise so I thought 'that sounds like a fucking velociraptor!' so then I drove a little faster, you know, just in case I needed to out run it and then I thought 'there is no hope for you if it is a velociraptor, dumbshit!'.
Andy: [eyes wide open, staring intently at my head] . . . So, was it?
Me: [eye roll] If it were a velociraptor, I wouldn't be here telling you this story right now! Half of me would be in a velocirpator's stomach and the other half hanging from a tree in the forest preserve! Duuuuh!
Andy: Right, because I'm the crazy one! You know what's amazing?
Me: [thinking he's gonna give me some insight into the velociraptor mind] What?
Andy: You can be 100% sober and still sound drunk!
Looking back, I guess it was a little nuts for me to think there was a velociraptor chasing me down Main Street. Especially because it would have preferred to be in a more populated area so it could have a bigger snack selection but a girl can never be too safe when driving home at 10 at night.
Also, no, I wasn't drinking but I was very tired so that may account for my delusions. And! If you're wondering why I had to stand up to do my velociraptor impersonation it's because I also flapped my arms to add to the sound effect.
this got me laughing: you can be sober and still sound drunk! hahaha
ReplyDeletesometimes I also think of something weird, like whenever I drive home late at night, I wont look at my rearview mirror for fear that someone or something might be behind me when I know I'm alone.
The raptor is testing you Bee.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep a flame thrower in my car if I were you.
nope
ReplyDeleteno velocireptors here, just us puppies.
what with dinosaurs, child's excrement flying all over the place and Al Capone (or is it Al Pacino?) shooting everyone, Chicago sounds a little bit too exciting for my liking...
ReplyDeleteyowsa Bee! I don't like the look of that thing.
ReplyDeletenot..
at..
all..
I hear they prefer small boys.
ReplyDelete;-)
yeah those things are considered meat even if they are extint
ReplyDeleteOMG! I was just reading a book about raising boys (because my son is driving me a little batty right now) and it actually said if boys (male gender) is not making eye contact with you while you are speaking, they really are not listening! This explains a lot!
ReplyDeleteFunny!