Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Velociraptors are making a come back, man!

While Andy and I were watching TV after a long workday at both my jobs.

Me: [nonchalant-like] When I was driving home tonight, I thought I heard a velociraptor chasing me.

Andy: [whips his head to stare at me and I have his full attention which is unusual because he never bothers to glance my way when I'm speaking and that is how he always claims I never told him something because if he doesn't make eye contact, it didn't happen] Huh?

Me: [twitching a little] I was driving and I kept hearing this noise [I stood up and kinda made a squeak/cluck/ftftftft noise] so I turned down the radio thinking it might be that but I still heard the noise so I thought 'that sounds like a fucking velociraptor!' so then I drove a little faster, you know, just in case I needed to out run it and then I thought 'there is no hope for you if it is a velociraptor, dumbshit!'.

Andy: [eyes wide open, staring intently at my head] . . . So, was it?

Me: [eye roll] If it were a velociraptor, I wouldn't be here telling you this story right now! Half of me would be in a velocirpator's stomach and the other half hanging from a tree in the forest preserve! Duuuuh!

Andy: Right, because I'm the crazy one! You know what's amazing?

Me: [thinking he's gonna give me some insight into the velociraptor mind] What?

Andy: You can be 100% sober and still sound drunk!

Looking back, I guess it was a little nuts for me to think there was a velociraptor chasing me down Main Street. Especially because it would have preferred to be in a more populated area so it could have a bigger snack selection but a girl can never be too safe when driving home at 10 at night.

Also, no, I wasn't drinking but I was very tired so that may account for my delusions. And! If you're wondering why I had to stand up to do my velociraptor impersonation it's because I also flapped my arms to add to the sound effect.

8 comments:

  1. this got me laughing: you can be sober and still sound drunk! hahaha

    sometimes I also think of something weird, like whenever I drive home late at night, I wont look at my rearview mirror for fear that someone or something might be behind me when I know I'm alone.

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  2. The raptor is testing you Bee.

    I'd keep a flame thrower in my car if I were you.

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  3. not velocireptorsMay 19, 2010 at 12:40 AM

    nope
    no velocireptors here, just us puppies.

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  4. what with dinosaurs, child's excrement flying all over the place and Al Capone (or is it Al Pacino?) shooting everyone, Chicago sounds a little bit too exciting for my liking...

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  5. yowsa Bee! I don't like the look of that thing.
    not..
    at..
    all..

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  6. I hear they prefer small boys.

    ;-)

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  7. vegans against velocoraptorsMay 19, 2010 at 4:49 PM

    yeah those things are considered meat even if they are extint

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  8. OMG! I was just reading a book about raising boys (because my son is driving me a little batty right now) and it actually said if boys (male gender) is not making eye contact with you while you are speaking, they really are not listening! This explains a lot!

    Funny!

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