My man is more romantic than your man.

It was a lazy Sunday morning. Neither he nor I had to get up early to tranq violent dogs before they had their grooming appointment or get up to shovel the driveway. Instead we stayed in bed and cuddled (I know, I know, TMI) while enjoying the the musical styling's of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Then, this happened:

Andy [lays his head tenderly on my chest]: Hey! I can't hear your heartbeat!

Bee: I'm sure it's there.

Andy: Oh yeah! There it is!

Bee: I knew it would be.

Andy: Yep, I hear your heartbeat and your indigestion. Gurgle gurgle gurgle!

Bee: ...

 

Say it with me, "Awwwwww!"

Proof that British men (BRIAN!) are a little bit nutty.

I'll be back for sure this weekend. In the meantime, I'd like to share more of wacky Bear Grylls antics. If you thought him eating squirrels and taking naked polar plunges was crazy, wait until you see him giving himself an enema.

 

I have to say that after watching that, I feel woozy and maybe a little icky. Also, I think he's hit rock bottom. Dare I say literally?

Of all the random things to find at Costco, this one has to top the list!

It was placed over "Like water for chocolate" which I have to admit
could be confused as soft porn.

Maybe it's not a good idea to write a post while running a high fever because I seem to have lost my censoring skills.

I'm not really here right now because I'm still on a brain mending vacation but I needed to enlighten all the womens out there, and some men too I guess, on the benefits of house work.

I have an App on my iPhone called "Lose It!". It asks for your body weight, what your goal weight is and how long you give yourself to reach your goal, then it tells you how many calories you should consume per day in order to meet your goal.

You enter the things you've eaten and it calculates calories, fat, protein etc.

You may also enter the amount of exercise you've had for the day and it guesstimates how many calories you've burned. Since I just started the App on Monday, and haven't joined a gym yet, I counted going to my side job last night for 3 hours (because I was doing some cleaning and heavy lifting) and scrubbing the tub when I got home as part of my exercise. To play it safe, I typed in ONE hour of "housework" instead of 3 and the App told me I had burned about 219 calories.

niiice!

As I was scrolling down to look at their other options for exercise, I saw Darts, Frisbee, Home Repair and a bunch of others but the one that caught my attention was "Sexual Activity".

Strictly out of curiosity, I clicked on it to see what it said.

First it asks you for the intensity "passive, light, kissing" "general, moderate" & "Active, vigorous".

So I tested "passive" and entered an hour-

ERH! ZERO calories burned!

I tried "general" and that gave us-

33 calories burned. Close but no cigar!

I tried "vigorous" and that gave us-

55 calories burned for one hour. Kinda whimpered out there at the end huh?

I'm wondering how they test these things. Do they account for solo acts?

Anyway! Burning 55 calories after some vigorous schtooping versus 219 from house work?

Listen, I'm not one to dismiss scientific data without some careful consideration. And also, we all know an hour of some slap and tickle is only possible in that island we'll call "Yeahrightland"! Perhaps I've said too much?

So the lesson of the day, ladies and gents, is: Stop wasting your time with the kooky nooky and do something productive like scrubbing a tub!

If you run out of things to clean in your home, shoot me an email and I'll let you come over and help me clean my house for free. You read that right, FOR FREE!

And now? The Nyquil awaits me!

Nothing says *Valentines* like a box full of Trojans!

Like your favorite shows, Bee's Musings will also take a break so that all the actors may go on vacation.

Okay, I'm not really going on vacation and neither is Andy, that I'm aware of anyway but the dude likes to keep his secrets. Maybe he has a special door in his dungeon where he escapes to far off lands and meets beautiful buxom wenches. I don't know. Anyway, I've been feeling kinda poopy lately and haven't been getting much sleep so I'm taking a week off. [insert *Awwwwws* here]

I'll see you guys next week and also, Big Fucker Moe died. I'm sure Larry O Pompadour and Curly the Acrobat are sadder than we are but I think just barely.

We'll miss you Big Moe. :o(

Bang update! Ummm... Not THAT kind of bang perverts!

So it turns out my bangs look awesome and I've gotten a lot of compliments... Unless they're lying? Nah!

Anyway, I guess the jagged choppiness looks like I paid mega bucks to have it styled that way. My sister also came over with tweezers and coffee Sunday night to fix my eyebrows and pull the stubble the stupid tiny razor left behind!

And! My mom came home after her 3 week vacation so my world is totally harmonious again.

Well, it would be totally harmonious if Andy the warden would stop cracking the bedtime whip! I didn't have to live with this many rules when I was a kid!

P.S.
If anybody would like me to come over with my kitchen shears and tiny eyebrow razor to give you a makeover, just email me.
For you, no charge!

I remember a time when I could drink more than one beer without turning into Moe from the 3 Stooges.

What separates us from animals is our ability to make decisions (I'm sure there are others but work with me here). Animals usually act on instinct. But us? We question, we rationalize, we hem and haw until a beer takes that decision from our very hands. What does that mean? Well let me tell you.

It all started when I made a delightful dinner of Fettuccine Alfredo and baked chicken legs which I was going to eat ALONE (and we've established that I need to be supervised at all times) because my Andy was at brother Dan's house doing the magical thing he does with electricity.

I set my place setting for one, enjoying the solitude, when I made the decision to forgo my vanilla coke for a beer. Caution to the wind baby! After dinner, I was cleaning up the kitchen and my bangs kept getting in my eyes irritating the ever loving crap out of me! That's when the beer gave me the brilliant idea to trim them a little.

I went to my bathroom and rummaged through the drawers but I couldn't find any scissors. That's when the beer told me to go into the kitchen and grab my kitchen scissors. The ginourmous ones that can cut chicken legs with one snap. The ones I use to cut ninja stars and pennies and anything else that pisses me off!

So I took the scissors into the bathroom with me and as I was brushing my hair, I noticed my eyebrows were a little too bushy. That's when the beer suggested I look for my tiny eyebrow razor and clean them up a little. I removed my glasses, because they were in my way (who needs to see when shaving/cutting?), and I lightly went feep feep with the razor (I have never used) then brushed my hair down and took the SERRATED heavy duty scissors and *trimmed* my bangs.

::sigh::

When I put my glasses back on, OH HOLY BABY SPINACH! One eyebrow looked like I was questioning my sanity (which, hello! I think I should) and my bangs looked like I had let Mocha and Tazz take turns at chewing them off!

That's when the beer told me to do the logical thing and even them both out. Listen, I don't need to tell you there is no happy ending to this story.

I now have crooked bangs the size of eyelashes and receding eyebrows. I'm thinking my only solution is to spike them both and pretend I did it on purpose.

Sadly, this is not the first time I've rocked the the choppy bangs.

Conversation Andy and I had when I told him about my bangs.

Andy: Oh, it can't be that bad.

Me: ...

Andy: Let me see-- ooch! Eets! Wow! Well, it could have been worse. I guess?

 

Oh boy.

P.S.

We are currently having creative differences with our scanner so that is why "Bee n' Andy" has been on hiatus. It refuses to communicate with my laptop and instead wants to be an expensive paperweight-slash-mail-holder. Hopefully, I'll be able to hit the right sequence of buttons and fix it soon.

A year closer to adult diapers and stranger's crotches.

So today is my friend Brian's birthday. For those of you who don't know, Brian is British which is probably why he's always all proper and gentleman-like. Because it's his birthday, I've decided to be a lady and not post anything uhm unladylike.

I won't tell you guys how, today at ACS, I was put in charge of the rainbow panty carrousel. You ladies know what I'm talking about right? The table where they lay the panties in a fanned out position according to size and color? No, I won't tell you guys about that because Brian will be too embarrassed to say anything and will probably hide in a corner.

As I was aligning crotches, I got to wondering if people wash the underwear they buy before wearing them. I mean, there I was, a complete stranger, getting to third base with your future undies.

Anyway, Brian isn't celebrating his birthday on the actual day like normal people (probably because he's British) instead he will celebrate on the fifth which is weird cuz that's my dad's birthday so I guess I'll just have to wait a day before I can say HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!

British people are so weird.

It seems trouble and weird older women follow me wherever I go!

So I have officially completed 2 full weeks at Anonymous Clothing Store. It's interesting (probably just to me) how different I feel going from the Asylum to ACS. It's a nice change of pace and I enjoy working with people that are closer to my age and know who Lady Gaga is. I'm not sure but I think I may be the oldest one there. Well, let's call me the most experienced one there and not the oldest one.

That's why I found so much amusement from the following conversation:

(As is tradition on this blog, my coworkers will have code names)

Hilary: If anybody confronts you about your hours, you tell them that it's probably because they're not getting enough people to sign up for the store credit card.

Me [as I was innocently hanging jeans]: What do you mean 'confronts you'?

Hilary: I don't want to bring the drama but some girls resent the fact that you're getting more hours than they are so they may come to you and say something. You're so nice that I don't want them to hurt your feelings.

Me: ... Um, thank you for your concern but you don't have to worry about me. (dying of laughter inside)

Hilary [genuinely concerned and that's why I did my best to remain serious]: Well you just don't let them push you around.

Me: Okay. I won't. (the Bee in my head is almost peeing herself from laughing so hard)

I didn't elaborate and give them examples of conversations I've had with lawyers, egotistical OZ and the bats because I think surprise attacks are better. I mean, would a kick in the groin be as effective if a person yelled out "I'm gonna kick you in the giblets!" right before? I'm sure it'll still hurt but you don't have that shock factor.

Anyway, I'm sure that when the time comes I'll show people how charming I can be.

Here are a couple of stories of the trade.    

Woman in her 50s walks into the store and tells me she's going on vacation so she wants some light t-shirts and khakis. I point her in the right direction and after she's made her selections, I open a dressing room for her.

After a little while I went and asked her how she was doing.

Woman: Do you have this in a slightly larger size? [hands me shirt over door]

Me: Let me check. [I find a larger size] Yes we do. I'll just put it on the--

Woman opens the dressing room door without a shirt on, displaying saggy boobage.

Woman: Thanks! Here, take these. [hands me clothes she doesn't want and so she gets close up I die a thousands deaths] They didn't work. 

Me: ... stutter stutter

I don't know about you guys but I prefer boobs that are young and perky... Wait, I think I just channeled Andy.

Later, I was standing in the front part of the store greeting people and an old lady walked through the door and I did my thing. Let's observe:

Me: hello! Welcome to ACS!

Old lady: Hi! Can you tell me if you still carry these leggings? [points at her legs]

Me: Do you remember when you bought them?

OL: About 2 months ago.

Me: There might be some in the clearance section but we have these new ones right here. Do you remember the style name?

OL: I'm not sure, here take a look.

AND THEN THE OLD LADY DROPPED TROU AND I WAS FACE TO FACE WITH OLD LADY BUTT CRACK!

Let's all observe a moment of silence for my innocence is dead.