Little did I know the mosquito I killed would come back to haunt me.

Today was going to be a special day. My new assistant was starting her descent into the gas-hole I lovingly call Arkham Asylum. She was going to experience first hand, the mindless scenarios we take too seriously.

Are you asking for examples? Well, there's the why didn’t you bring back the kitchen towel, who moved the cheese, who moved the sausage, who ate the crackers, who brought expired coffee, last but not least, who has been eating the butt cake.

Let’s take a peek at how this glorious day started, shall we?

I woke up at an ungodly hour (SIX! BEFORE THE SUN EVEN) to hear my dogs trying to chew their way through the center of one Andy Husband. He was able to defeat the 15 lb beasts by throwing dog treats and running so he could leave for work but this left me with a massive headache.

I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed to get ready for work. I decided to dress for the occasion, the occasion being digging myself out of a mountain of paperwork for six blessed weeks, and chose a calming peasant blouse matched with a flowing skirt.

When I looked in the mirror, my calming peasant blouse made me look 7 months pregnant so that came off right away. I searched in my closet for something else that might inspire warmth and respect and found one that complimented my Rosacea rosy cheeks, my bloodshot sparkling eyes and my frizzy luscious hair.

I grabbed my brown suede shoes, the ones I wear only to special occasions like tap-dancing on the graves of my enemies, completed my look with some gaudy jewelry and was on my way to work. Early, by the way!
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I set up her work station, grabbed my coffee and waited patiently for my part time savior. There I was, sipping my coffee, looking tired, frizzy, anxious, desperate, drooly…
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I glanced at my watch, oopsie! It’s 8:35 and she’s not here yet! Hmmm, punctuality is a must for me. Okay, not so much but I was wondering who’s late on their first day? I’m always EARLY on my first days. I make a good impression and once they lower their expectations BAM! I start coming in half an hour late!

I had drifted into a reverie (does one drift into a reverie or am I thinking river?) when Glynda came to my desk and told me Part-time Savior called and couldn’t make it in today because she had a dentist appointment.

::sigh:: We all know this is code for “I have another interview with a better position and better paying job but I don’t want to lose this one in case I don’t get the other one.”

More power to her and I do hope she gets the other job but phookit! I’m back to square one!

To top things off, one of my awesome brown suede shoes decided to mutilate a mosquito bite I had on my Achilles heel and is now my own personal little distributor of torture!
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Would you like a side platter of annoyance with your disappointed painful Monday?
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OZ asked me to call in his lunch order. It was 9:30 and I didn’t want to forget so I called up the restaurant and some dude answered.

Bee:
Hi, I’d like to place a delivery order for noon.

Numbnuts:
We don’t open until 10.

Bee:
Okay? Can I still place an order for NOON?

Numbnuts:
I’m the only one here.

Bee:
I don’t know what that means. Are you trying to offer me a job? Because I’d like to counter offer that with CAN I PLACE AN ORDER FOR A NOON DELIVERY??

Numbnuts:
Hold ON.

puts me on hold.

[Are you in the mood for our authentic Italian sausage? How about our Polish dog? Be sure to ask about our catering menu. We now deliver to 10 suburbs. Don’t forget our famous milkshakes! AS LONG AS YOU CALL AFTER 10:00 AM]

Numbnuts:
Can you call back at 10?

Bee:
Sure. What’s the name of the manager?

Numbnuts:
Why?

Bee:
Because when I call back I’m going to tell him you deserve a raise! What do you mean “why”?

Numbnuts:
Fine! I’ll take your order!

Bee:
Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you… [I hang up]
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Remember I worked at a Brown’s Chicken where, if you were punched in and the phone rang, you had to pick it up and take care of the PAYING CUSTOMERS! Did we like answering the phone 2 hours before we opened?

No, but if you’re getting paid to do a job, how about you DO IT and not give me any shit?

For those of you bleeding hearts wanting to defend Numbnuts, this was not my first encounter with him and he has taken my order before as early as 9:00 AM.

In the amount of time he argued with me, he could have written down
-Turkey Sandwich- Address- Noon-.

Hell, he had time to recite the Gettysburg Address and name the states by order of induction into this, our freedomlicious country!
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And so ends another Monday. Excuse me while I go kick some dirt on it.

KM Week and B@@BS part 2.<-- HA! That Looks Sick!

So this is my Kitchen Marm week.

After being slimed by pink lipstick my last KM week I asked that everybody do their own freakin' dishes and Glynda agreed so she told me to print a sign and put it up by the kitchen sink.





I realize this sign does not say, forks, knives, spoons but you would think it's implied...


When the sign first went up there was great controversy.


There I was minding my bee's wax eating my lunch, listening to my tunes on my iPod, when they came at me with the gale force of a bad wind!


They of course being, Purple Dino-SOUR, Scarecrow and Toto, came in a pack so the nonsense they spewed was not easily identified as to who said what.


"who put it up?"


"whose idea was it?"


"well I never!"

Fuckin' Bats!

Cool Bee Running:

I mentioned it at meeting I told you guys I didn't appreciate getting slimed and doing your dishes. Why are you surprised?

Toto:
I don't mind doing other people's dishes.
-


Cool Bee Running:
Well of course you don't but I am not your maid. Frankly I don't give a shit if it pisses you off.
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[they gasp] Oops! I said shit and pisses... :o)
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Nothing to do with the story but...every time I say "Oops" I'm reminded of John McClane saying "Oops! No bullets!" to Hans Gruber in Die Hard. Go figure.
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Luckily for me I had brought back the stupid kitchen towel thing otherwise they might have lynched me.


Or died trying.

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"

I know, I know. I should get a life.

B@@bs part 2

I was debating if I should share this story since I believe I've embarrassed myself enough but... I have no shame!

I went to refill my water bottle at the water cooler thing. I was wearing a nice somewhat conservative blouse not too V-Necked but I was very self-conscious of over exposure so I kept looking around making sure no one was coming down the hall as I was bent forward.

ALL OF A SUDDEN! (do you notice how everything is "all of a sudden" in my life?)

OZ walks into the room and I was so startled...

My hand...

jerked up...

and spilled the water...

all over...

the front of my...

light pink...

thin peasant blouse...

so...

over exposure galore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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OZ ran to get me paper towels. I'm just thankful he didn't try helping me dry.

::sigh::

Does anybody know of any job openings anywhere? Mc Donald's? Car Wash?

Maybe I can post my Resumé on Monster with the title:
"Flashing a Strong Possibility" :o(

Duties of a Kitchen Marm:

Washing doctors’ (coffee cup, water glass, forks, knives, yup glorified maids we are)

(You are not responsible for washing other people’s dishes but guess what winds up happening? All the mother effin bats leave their mugs and other dishes for each other and me to do. When I first started it was made very clear to me that we were to wash our own dishes. I understood so I keep my cup at my desk at all times and wash it myself.)

Clean the tables, counter, microwave, stock paper towels, make coffee.


and of course bring treats…

Well I was “reprimanded” my last time as KM because I had never taken the dish towel home to wash, I was not even aware we had to...

So…

I took the flippin dish towel home and used it to dust my china cabinet, my blinds, my dressers I twirled it to make it tight and snap Tazz (did not hit him just did the air above him). After all that, I forgot to put it in with the laundry and it’s sitting in my back porch.

Flash forward to today’s meeting…

Toto: (other nurse who I never really talk about because she hardly ever bothers me and is a people pleaser but on this occasion she did bother me and displeased me)

‘I couldn’t help but notice that the blue dish towel was last seen on the week you were KM, now it’s gone…?’ (last seen, as if it were on the run… with my shoe?)


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Blue dish towel, what blue dish towel?’


Toto: ‘The one with little roses on it…?’


In the meantime everybody is looking at me so I decide to come clean… I mean what can they do right?


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Oh yeah, you know what I guess I forgot to bring it back. Oops, sorry!’


Lord have mercy on my soul for when I finally drop dead from “office political exhaustion” (very rare disease, not surprised you haven’t heard about it.)


Toto, Scarecrow, PD: ‘garble garble brugga brugga garble rabble’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘I didn’t understand what you guys said, can you attack me one at a time please?’


Scarecrow: ‘Do you think you can write yourself a note for tomorrow?’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Sure, what do you want the note to say?’ [big smile]


Scarecrow: ‘Well… to bring the towel back.’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘So you want the note to say “to bring the towel back”?’ [Pretend writing it down on my hand, I say pretend because I had no writing utensils]


Toto: ‘It can say whatever will remind you to bring it back.’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Right, but I need you guys to direct me… I’m not sure I can get thru this on my own…’ [angelic look]


[In the background you hear Glynda snickering]


Toto: ‘Are you just toying with us?’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘No, if this is important enough to bring up during a business meeting then I really want to work at never ever upsetting you guys, cross my heart!’


Glynda: ‘Okay, let’s move on. She’ll bring it back eventually. If she forgets then I’m sure she’s not going to use it as a dust rag.’


OOPS!

The meeting concluded with them devouring delicious snackies, Taco Dip (with tortilla chips not butter-freekin-crackers) and a nice Cinnamon Crumble cake made by my own little… supermarket! :op

Not that you’ll be upset but, no posting will be made tomorrow (no Nancy, do not even try the guilt) since I’ve looked at my agenda and will actually have to get some work done before I meet with OZ.

Have a great weekend everyone!