The best way to celebrate an anniversary is with a ROAST!

So today is my(mine?) and Andy's anniversary. For those of you keeping track, that is 9 years of marriage. NINE YEARS! I don't think there's a couple alive that has been married this long!

Okay, I know I joke about the fact that it seems like a lifetime but in reality, I can't ever say I've felt like "Wow! I've been with ONE guy all of this time?" because I was never a whore before I got married and it's mean of you to think so.

You may be wondering what the secret to our marriage is. What is it that keeps us hanging around day after stressful day and night after sleepless night?

There are some crazy farfetched theories out there that state the key ingredients are communication (communication shmunication! The only communication you should have with your spouse should be things like 'pass the biscuits' or 'move because that bus is going to nail you'. DO NOT talk about things like your feelings and other nonsense! I mean, what are you? A woman?) and sex (sex shmex! who needs the *slap and tickle* when you can have a night of restful, uninterrupted sleep? People need their sleep for balancing purposes. You know, because the next day they may be on a 12ft ladder or walking around in 4 inch heels?) but no, they are all wrong! I owe it to you, my friends, to list a few of the secrets I have compiled that make our marriage such a success.

First I'm going to start with SURPRISE and sometimes the harsher SHOCK. Yep. SURPRISE/SHOCK.

Let me explain what I mean when I say Surprise/Shock. I don't mean 'hey, I just bought you a diamond ring' type of surprise and I don't mean 'I found this hooker outside so I'd thought I'd bring her in from the cold nasty rain but my penis accidentally fell inside her' type of shock. It's more like this:

On Valentine's Day, Andy brought me a dozen roses. I was surprised that he forgot I don't celebrate V-Day and he was shocked that I don't like roses. Sure, we've only touched on the subject a bajillion times but there you have it. It's like we barely met and so this helps us keep the *oldness* out of our relationship so that it seems *new*. And *new* is the new *happy*.

Every night, when 10:30 approaches, I'm still shocked that Andy says "Its bedtime" knowing. how. much. it. IRRITATES. ME. and he'll still be surprised I'm not ready for bed at 10:30 (because I'm not a chicken who needs to be up at the crack of dawn so that the rooster won't come and beat it with a tire iron).

But there are other things you can do to keep your marriage jacked up on L - O - V - E.

Using terms of endearment goes a long way in ensuring your spouse feels loved. Why, Andy calls me "Asshole" all the time and it's like a soft caress inside my heart. Or maybe that's just my blood pressure again. Who knows? I guess I'll find out if I ever keel over one day but even then it'll be because of love!

Making loving comments also helps the marriage. Just the other night I said, "If we had separate bedrooms, I could go to bed without fearing you'll wake me up from a sound sleep when you're done raiding wooglies." and he responds "Bee, if we have separate bedrooms, we might as well not be married" Awww what a beautiful thought to have before sinking into a deep sleep where I dream of shredding roses and Valentine's Day massacre.

Also! Doing cute things like pointing out her lip hair helps too. And asking her questions like "what's going on here??" as he points and she thinks he's pointing at her head like he wants to know what she's thinking and just when she's about to confess her fears, her wishes, her dreams, he points again and asks "what's that thing on your face? Is that a pimple?" and she respond "thanks for pointing it out buttnut because I hadn't realized it was there!" and then he asks "are you serious? you didn't know it was there or are you being sarcastic?" and then she respond "of course I hadn't noticed something as big as my fist sitting on my face!" and then he puts his fist up to her face to compare sizes and offers to squeeze it for her. Because we women are not self conscious about slight imperfections, that right there makes us feel cherished, loved and not at all uncomfortable. Walking around the rest of the day with our hand covering said pimple is only so that it won't get sunburned.

Oh! Having nothing in common also works! For example, sometimes Andy and I will be sitting next to each other, NOT COMMUNICATING, while I listen to some old school Billie Holiday from my iphone because I love music of all kinds and he'll be listening to a World of Warcraft podcast on his iphone because he has no music downloaded. He can apparently go the rest of his life without music which baffles my mind because I sleep with the radio on, take a shower with the radio on, work with the radio on, drive with the radio on, dance/argue/fish/eat/drink/burp/sing/laugh and the radio is on on ON!

After rereading some of my *tips*, I've realized I've left out what I do for our marriage. Or my contribution to marital bliss, if you will.

I guess I can be described as a reasonable, loving woman. I shouldn't be to blame if you try waking me up before it's absolutely necessary for me to get up and I wind up screaming like a deranged banshee. I don't care if you're waking me with kisses! Don't you know I didn't sleep well because somebody's knee was practically up my bumhole?? Do you want me to be Grumpy and Sleepy rolled into one and risk me having a car accident?

See? Totally reasonable.

Let's see, I'm also an understanding person. For example, if I want 2 pairs of shoes but I'm told I can only have one, I then might say something like "you know what? how about I just don't buy any?? WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY??" because I want what's best for our relationship. And in the end I may end up with 3 pairs of shoes but that's only because my tantrum was beautifully executed in front of dozens of people and to not please me would be dishonorable.

I know what you're thinking "Bee, you and Andy should maybe see a marriage counselor" but to that I say "Why fix what aint broke?" If this relationship has lasted a whole 9 years, chances are it'll last a whole 9 more and, in dog years, that's like TEN lifetimes.

Besides, our differences are what will have us continue to live happily ever sometimes.

All kidding aside, I lucked out finding Andy. I'm thankful I was the one to see what a great man he would turn out to be. Sure, there are days we make each other gorilla shit crazy. But there are other days where we have so much fun it's hard to believe we're adults in charge of dogs and everything. We've had some tough times only witnessed by each other. Things we had to deal with and go through on our own that left some internal battle scars but in the end we have overcome and/or made up and moved on because, ultimately, we're friends first.

Friends who would rather chop off an arm (somebody else's arm) rather than hurt each other.

Friends who get really pissed at stupid things but then laugh at the ridiculesness of the arguments  so that they're easily diffused.

Friends who don't let each other drive drunk in the automobile of L - O - V - E.

You can quote me on that, suckas!

 

Happy Anniversary, babe! And thanks for putting up with the psycho that is me!