I have a coupon and I'd like to buy some panties, please!

Who has 2 thumbs and has lost 20 pounds so she needs a belt to keep her pants up in order to avoid accidental mooning?? THIS GIRL!

Yeah, that's right. I've lost the equivalent of 4 five pound bags of sugar. Or 10 two pound bags of sugar. Or 40 half pound bags of sugar. Phew! That's a lot of math!

It's been a slow process because I'm not fadding it this time(doing any fad diets that have you eating only orange colored foods) and I'm just being careful with what I eat and am trying to be more active. 

My self esteem has gone up to a point where I don't cringe when I walk by a mirror and actually bought a full length one for my home.

Some of the things I'm doing to improve the way I view myself is to actually wear things that make me feel good. In this case I'm referring to sleepwear and underwear. For sleepwear, I usually had some fleece pajama bottoms and whatever t-shirt was too scraggly to wear out in public. There is technically nothing wrong with this boudoir attire but they made me feel frumpy and shapeless. It really has nothing to do with who sees me looking frumpy because Mocha and Tazz don't seem to care and the only way Andy would notice is if I was trying to steal his super sonic Orc powers. I just got tired of feeling so. . . blah!

What I didn't realize is that if you go to bed looking like a shapeless sack of rutabagas, you will wake up FEELING like a shapeless sack of rutabagas with heartburn.

Once I made my decision to makeover my sleepwear, I went on a nightgown shopping spree and stocked my closet. Don't get the idea that I went out and bought see-through tata showing negligees because I wouldn't be able to afford a single strap (how can things that have such few fabric be so expensive) and also because bedtime is for sleeping, not hooking ;o) but the ones I bought are pretty and feminine which means I wake up feeling like a woman instead of George Costanza.

The added bonus is that my legs get really hot in the spring/summer so now I am able to kick of the blankets without having to pull up my pant legs. What can I say? I'm weird.

As for the underwear, I decided to nix the granny panties. Sorry men folk, this might be too much info for you but the ladies might want to hear this. Because I *felt* like a whale in people clothes, I didn't see a point to buying frilly or cute underwear. I would walk into a store, locate their full coverage bottoms, pick some neutral colors and pay.

My mom and I were shopping the other day and I mentioned the fact that I was no longer going to wear the BIG panties and she's like "what's the difference? Nobody sees them anyway" and she's right. I am the only one that sees my underwear (oh yeah, and Andy sees them too. When he's swatting them away to take a shower)(and Andy's brother when Andy forgets to put them away after I've washed them and hung them to dry!!) but knowing I'm wearing something other than potato sacks gives me that extra shot of confidence.

The last couple of weeks, I've bought underwear with names like *hipster* *girl short* and *cheeky bikini*. Which brings me to my panty buying adventure.

I had received a coupon via email for a store called Fashion Thug. The coupon was for buy $25 and you get $10 off. I had seen some of their panties online but, not having any knowledge on how their sizes ran, I decided to go into a store and look at them in person before I labeled my ass a size that maybe wishful thinking (too small a size) or Chaz Bono's twin (too big a size). I walked into this store and located the undergarment section. After much hemming and hawing (no way am I trying on underwear)(Especially because I know how many people touch them ICK!) I asked for assistance.

Me: Hey there! I have a couple of questions and also am looking for some advice.

Disenchanted employee: Yeah? What's up?

Me: Well, I'm a size PURPLE in jeans but I'm not sure how that translates to underwear, can you help me?

DE Stares at me for a few seconds so I'm wondering if she heard me.

Me: Uh? Did you understand?

DE: Yes I'm just trying to figure it out. [face gets squinty kinda like mine does when I'm doing hard math] I think you'd be size LILAC then.

Me: Oh, okay. [unfold LILAC sized panties and inspect them] Well, these seem a little on the larger side [in my head I'm thinking I can fit both my legs into one leg hole] do you find that people usually go a size smaller on the *hipster* style?

DE: ::silence silence silence silence silence silence:: I. Don't. Know.

Let's pause there for a moment. As you may be aware, I now work in a clothing store where I get felt up and flashed on a regular basis. I don't appreciate that type of a customer but when one asks me bizarre questions without being all grabby, I will gladly help them out. I know this chick must have been thinking I was a nutcase for not knowing what size underwear I was but in my defense I'VE BEEN WEARING GRANNY PANTIES! In my former granny panty wearing life, I was like "the bigger the better!" now I was looking for help in getting the right fit. Did I ask her to measure my tuckus? No! All I wanted was some guidance!

Me: Okay then.

I picked out 2 hipster in a smaller size, or MAGENTA, and then I picked a couple of *cheeky bikinis* sized LILAC.

Me: I have a coupon for $10 off of $25 and the panties are 4 for twenty, do you have a clearance section where I can buy another $5 worth of stuff?

DE: The panties are $10 each if you don't buy the 4.

Me: I figured which is why I asked for a clearance section. [I look around] Oh there it is!

DE: [her look says she is checking my math] But you can use it if you spend $40.

At this point I'm tempted to just drop everything and run out the door but I HAVE A COUPON DAMMIT!

Me: But I don't *want* to spend 40 I want to spend 25.

DE: [shrugs and shakes her head as if to say 'I tried but you're too stupid' then walks away]

I found a necklace that was on clearance and so I was ready to check out. As she was ringing me up, she reluctantly scanned the coupon and I believe she was waiting for the computer to beep beep beep further confirming my dumbassness but when the transaction went through she said "Oh! It accepted the coupon!" and then I wondered what the requirements were to work there. I'd be their star employee!