The mystery of the deflated ass cactus. + Weekend at the movies.

Oh my gawd you guys!! Do you remember my butt cactus???


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Now it looks like this:
My ass has deflated!! I don't know how or why, all I know is that my cheeks are droopy! Andy said he knew something was wrong when the little butt bone shriveled.

My weekend was great until this tragedy hit my household. We made an emergency run to the place I bought it but they didn't have any more. How sad for me!

Don't worry about me, I'll keep looking for a replacement...

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Enough about me.

The hubs and I went to see 2 movies this weekend.

We saw Get Smart on Saturday morning and as is our tradition we went to the first show. The place was packed so we were unable to park our butts in the middle seats of the back row. That sucked but what can you do?
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I give the movie 2 drunk bees for Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson and half a drunk bee for making me giggle a little.

Would I recommend that you go see it and pay $10 (we paid $5 because we went to the old fogies show)? Nah, wait for it to come out on video. Unless you're a Rock fan and want to see his beautiful smile. Soooo dreamy...
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Khrm! Anyway.
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On Sunday morning we saw The Hulk. We were able to get the cool seats in the back so all was right with the world. I give this movie 3 drunk bees.

HOWEVER! I only recommend you go see it if you're a comic book fan (or married to one).
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Speaking of comic book fans. All the peeps living in the Chicagoland area, remember that Wizard World is next weekend.

Normally, I would throw myself on the floor while kicking and screaming saying things like "Why?? Why must you torture me so??"
This year? I'm dying to go so I can take pictures of GROWN MEN wearing neon yellow spandex outfits and share them with the world!

But! The one year I want to go and Andy is all "No, I don't think I want to go this year."

Not only is he trying to kill me but he's trying to suck all the joy out of my life! Then he said something about how he refuses to provide me with any more blog fodder.

I might just have to start looking for a replacement Andy soon.

That's all I have for today folks. If you were traumatized by the deflated ass cheeks pictured above, make sure you click on Humor-Blogs so you can get that image out of your head.

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P.S.

Don't ask me for the recipe to deflate butts because I have no idea how it happened.

Oh say can you see... a naked British dude is freezing his nuts off!

Yeah, I know what your thinking, "WTF! What was she thinking with this long post!"
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Just read it and stop complaining okay? (just kidding, please come back!)
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As people here in the US know (and the world because it revolves around us), today is the Fourth of July.
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It's the day we celebrate our independence from those kooky British people.
They (BRIAN) claim to be happy they got rid of us but we here in the states know the truth. They cry each day because they're unable to boss us around and tax us for watching TV. neener neener!
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Speaking of British people, has anybody watched the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls??
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I have to admit to being bored one Monday and catching a couple of episodes. I just have one question (which we all know is never true), WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO??
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When he says "If you're ever lost in Siberia, this is how you survive" [remember you have to hear it in your head in British]
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Umn... no. If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I will pray to all the stars, cross my fingers and wait for death. I AM NOT going to make traps for squirrels and eat their brains! I don't care how much of a delicacy you consider them to be! I have about 10 of them I'd like to slaughter because they're digging up my flowers but eat them?? Not so much!
Plus, you go to all that trouble to catch a scrawny rodent and then YOU DON'T EAT IT ALL??
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The other thing he showed me was, if my knife becomes frozen to my skin (because we didn't learn from the little porn dude from A Christmas Story), all I have to do is pee on it.
Don't try to yank it (the knife) or else your skin will become a part of it forever.
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That sounds reasonable right? Pee on yourself?
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Here's the glitch in that plan.
If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I already wet myself and am now in danger of getting frostbite in my most tender regions.
I don't think I'd be able to produce any more urine. Or maybe I could but then pulling frozen clothes down... I'd rather just, from that moment forward, be known as Bee Switchblade and leave it right where it is.
Anyway, this dude is a guy so all he had to do was whip it out (thanks for blurring his penis but not the stream of urine by the way) and soil his hand VOILA! knife has magically dropped to the frozen tundra!
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It would have been funny if he would have picked it up again while it was still wet and had to pee on himself again.
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Then he dunked himself in freezing water to show us... uh, not sure what the hell he did that for since he jumped in and then just gave a play by play on how his body was shutting down and he was going to die in less than 15 minutes.
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He didn't though.
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He lived.
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This episode was part 1 of 2 and I haven't watched the second part so I'm not sure what other titillating adventures he has in store for me in Siberia.*
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The next episode I watched, he was dropped off at some beach in, I believe, Namibia, Africa.
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He was thirsty, needed water, couldn't drink the sea water because of the salt so he showed me how to *make* fresh water. You dig a hole, put some sea water in the hole, a cup in the middle and then a tight plastic/film or cover.
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Now, he had MILLIONS OF GALLONS of sea water at his disposal but he decided to PEE IN THERE ANYWAY! "I'm gonna go ahead and take a leak in here so that I can drink pee condensation. MMMMM taste like cactus water!"
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ICK!
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That doesn't mean we should cut just any old cactus to drink the insides. If the ooze is white it's poisonous! Good to know because sometimes I look at Petey (Petey the cactus) and just have a hankering to split him open and drink up! I'll have to check him for white ooze first.
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Next up, lunch!
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He found a posionacky snake (not real name of species but who cares?), careful they're LETHAL, hacked its head off, then showed me how to cook it in the sand.
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First he had to show me that you can take a bite out of it while still raw!
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Yummmmmm-eeeee.
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Okay so this is how he made his sand grill.
He made a fire and let it die out because he wanted the embers, then he made a hole in the sand, put the posionacky snake in there (skin and all), covered it up with sand, then put the embers on top of that.
I have to admit that when he pulled out the snake and tasted it, I wanted me some snake!
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Then, what does the wasteful fucker do? He leaves it there after only having taken a few bites!!!
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I was a little pissed at him for that but I forgave him because this Fourth of July Holiday weekend, I will be trekking through the forest preserve with my new knowledge on how to survive in the great suburban landscape that is Chi-townland.
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I'll be looking for some snakes I can sand grill in my backyard! I might buy myself a cappuccino when I walk by the 7-11 and then squeeze some leaves from the bushes to rehydrate myself.
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See Brian, you thought I was going to blast British people! I hope you apologize.
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So, um, HAPPY FOURTH! Beware of the Hot Dog!
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P.S.
Humor-Blogs is changing radically so I probably won't be harrasing you as much to click and vote for me unless you really want to cuz I'm in like with you and I don't want you to get pissed at me for the extra step you'd need to take. For some reason I just thought of Telly Savalas "Who loves ya baby?"
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*I watched part 2 Thursday night and he jumped naked into MORE freezing water, almost froze his dick off. THEY SHOWED HIS NAKED BUTT JUMPING UP AND DOWN (very nice butt) peeing in puddles, killing a Yak, drinking its blood, eating its liver (yes Chianti, beans, Silence of the lambs) eating its EYEBALL, then leaving the rest of it there! So wasteful.

The joys of adult childhood.

Further proof that:

A) Andy and I should never be in charge of children
B) We are way way cool
C) We cannot be left unsupervised

Hopefully, when my mom comes back, our house will still be in one piece. Let me tell ya' why.

We had some left over branches from last year that we decided to burn. We finished our gardening duties and settled in for a nice little bonfire.
The majority of the branches were pine so we couldn't burn 'em in our indoor fireplace because of the butaniumfosoforitisnium in pine.

Okay, I don't know what the chemical is called but they strongly suggest you never ever burn pine in your fireplace because it may cause your house to explode.

For those of you who might not know, pine is HIGHLY combustible.



That flame was 7 feet high with just a couple of branches MEER INCHES FROM OUR GINORMOUS PINE TREE!

Don't worry, we survived. Sort of.

Then this awesome convo happened:

Andy:
Stop harassing me or I'll throw your decorative wicker ball in the fire.
Bee:
Oh please! You won't do it!

Andy:
I'll do it!

Bee:
Yeah right!

Andy:
I'm not kidding! I'll do it!

[holds ball over fire]

Bee:
So do it! I dare you!

Andy:
I will! I'm serious!

Bee:
Then do it!

Andy:
I will and you'll be pissed!

Bee:
OH MY GOD I JUST WENT THRU MENOPAUSE! DO IT ALREADY!

So he did. And I laughed.

Then we made fun of my new butt cactus:




If you are, at this very minute, shaking your head thinking we are 'like sooo immature!' you're just jealous cuz we have, like, no responsibilities and stuff!


Sure, we have the mortgage and uh... other bills but... yeah, that's about it.


We can go wherever we want (as long as it's early and we're home before 7:00) (Seven PM). We can do whatever we want like watch stuff burn and not clean up the ashes for at least 2 days. Vacation anywhere in the world that doesn't involve traveling for more than 2 hours and one day we will!

We are so cool! ;op

You know, I never realized how much I depend on my left arm. Since I'm right handed, I just thought 'Phew! At least it wasn't my right shoulder!' But I didn't take into consideration all the other things I do around the house that require BOTH ARMS!

Sweeping? Ouch! Holding myself up while scrubbing my 500 gallon jacuzzi tub so I don't fall in? SUPER OUCH!!

Do you guys think my health insurance would cover a male maid? They'll pay for a nurse so I don't feel like I'm asking for too much.
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If you want to be cool like us, please click on Humor-Blogs.