Yeah, I know what your thinking, "WTF! What was she thinking with this long post!"
.
Just read it and stop complaining okay? (just kidding, please come back!)
.
As people here in the US know (and the world because it revolves around us), today is the Fourth of July.
.
It's the day we celebrate our independence from those kooky British people.
They (BRIAN) claim to be happy they got rid of us but we here in the states know the truth. They cry each day because they're unable to boss us around and tax us for watching TV. neener neener!
.
Speaking of British people, has anybody watched the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls??
.
I have to admit to being bored one Monday and catching a couple of episodes. I just have one question (which we all know is never true), WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO??
.
When he says "If you're ever lost in Siberia, this is how you survive" [remember you have to hear it in your head in British]
.
Umn... no. If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I will pray to all the stars, cross my fingers and wait for death. I AM NOT going to make traps for squirrels and eat their brains! I don't care how much of a delicacy you consider them to be! I have about 10 of them I'd like to slaughter because they're digging up my flowers but eat them?? Not so much!
Plus, you go to all that trouble to catch a scrawny rodent and then YOU DON'T EAT IT ALL??
.
The other thing he showed me was, if my knife becomes frozen to my skin (because we didn't learn from the little porn dude from A Christmas Story), all I have to do is pee on it.
Don't try to yank it (the knife) or else your skin will become a part of it forever.
.
That sounds reasonable right? Pee on yourself?
.
Here's the glitch in that plan.
If I'm ever lost in Siberia, I already wet myself and am now in danger of getting frostbite in my most tender regions.
I don't think I'd be able to produce any more urine. Or maybe I could but then pulling frozen clothes down... I'd rather just, from that moment forward, be known as Bee Switchblade and leave it right where it is.
Anyway, this dude is a guy so all he had to do was whip it out (thanks for blurring his penis but not the stream of urine by the way) and soil his hand VOILA! knife has magically dropped to the frozen tundra!
.
It would have been funny if he would have picked it up again while it was still wet and had to pee on himself again.
.
Then he dunked himself in freezing water to show us... uh, not sure what the hell he did that for since he jumped in and then just gave a play by play on how his body was shutting down and he was going to die in less than 15 minutes.
.
He didn't though.
.
He lived.
.
This episode was part 1 of 2 and I haven't watched the second part so I'm not sure what other titillating adventures he has in store for me in Siberia.*
.
The next episode I watched, he was dropped off at some beach in, I believe, Namibia, Africa.
.
He was thirsty, needed water, couldn't drink the sea water because of the salt so he showed me how to *make* fresh water. You dig a hole, put some sea water in the hole, a cup in the middle and then a tight plastic/film or cover.
.
Now, he had MILLIONS OF GALLONS of sea water at his disposal but he decided to PEE IN THERE ANYWAY! "I'm gonna go ahead and take a leak in here so that I can drink pee condensation. MMMMM taste like cactus water!"
.
ICK!
.
That doesn't mean we should cut just any old cactus to drink the insides. If the ooze is white it's poisonous! Good to know because sometimes I look at Petey
(Petey the cactus) and just have a hankering to split him open and drink up! I'll have to check him for white ooze first..
Next up, lunch!
.
He found a posionacky snake (not real name of species but who cares?), careful they're LETHAL, hacked its head off, then showed me how to cook it in the sand.
.
First he had to show me that you can take a bite out of it while still raw!
.
Yummmmmm-eeeee.
.
Okay so this is how he made his sand grill.
He made a fire and let it die out because he wanted the embers, then he made a hole in the sand, put the posionacky snake in there (skin and all), covered it up with sand, then put the embers on top of that.
I have to admit that when he pulled out the snake and tasted it, I wanted me some snake!
.
Then, what does the wasteful fucker do? He leaves it there after only having taken a few bites!!!
.
I was a little pissed at him for that but I forgave him because this Fourth of July Holiday weekend, I will be trekking through the forest preserve with my new knowledge on how to survive in the great suburban landscape that is Chi-townland.
.
I'll be looking for some snakes I can sand grill in my backyard! I might buy myself a cappuccino when I walk by the 7-11 and then squeeze some leaves from the bushes to rehydrate myself.
.
See Brian, you thought I was going to blast British people! I hope you apologize.
.
So, um, HAPPY FOURTH! Beware of the Hot Dog!
.
.
P.S.
Humor-Blogs is changing radically so I probably won't be harrasing you as much to click and vote for me unless you really want to cuz I'm in like with you and I don't want you to get pissed at me for the extra step you'd need to take. For some reason I just thought of Telly Savalas "Who loves ya baby?"
.
*I watched part 2 Thursday night and he jumped naked into MORE freezing water, almost froze his dick off. THEY SHOWED HIS NAKED BUTT JUMPING UP AND DOWN (very nice butt) peeing in puddles, killing a Yak, drinking its blood, eating its liver (yes Chianti, beans, Silence of the lambs) eating its EYEBALL, then leaving the rest of it there! So wasteful.
