How does a girl spend her 37th birthday? Glad you asked!

I woke up bleary eyed and stumbling, as per usual, and received my birthday hug from my Andy along with a beautiful card full of words of love and shmoopiness.

Who has 2 thumbs and is blessed to have a great man? [thumbs pointing at myself] This girl!

I then went to the mirror to yawn and admire my beauty before I showered and that's when I noticed— Have any of you experienced that eerie feeling of dread when you're brushing your teeth and you're afraid of looking in the mirror because it may not be your face looking back at you but that of a sinister being with shiny red eyes and sharp teeth? Well that's what happened to me on my birthday!

(why couldn't this have happened on Halloween?? I would have had a ton of fun scaring the little people!)

It seems I'm allergic to the new eyeliner I bought and neglected to remove before going to bed last night. I remember my thought was "meh. I'm all cozy in bed, what harm can it do?" well, it can make your eyes blood red and give the appearance of pink eye, that's what!

I had to go the whole day of my birthday responding to the "Oh, you have pink eye!" comment everybody was making.

"No, I do not have pink eye you sick bitches! I'm allergic to my new eyeliner" and then they would look at me out of the corner of their eye as they made
their way out of my *pink eye infested* space.

It is a serious insult to ask someone if they have pink eye. I'd rather people ask me if I know how to speak Mexican (you'd be surprised how many times I have
to respond with "do you know how to speak Unitedstatesofamerican?").

Terrifying eyes aside, I did enjoy the day. After I removed the sheet of ice from my car.

 

Which brings me to another question, how did Alex from Madagascar get in my car?

I haven't chauffeured a munchkin in years!

Thank you to all who wished me a happy birthday on the blogus, facebook, email, text message, phone call, via card and in person. You guys rock! Almost as much as I do.

 

Stay tuned on Friday for my interview with Robert Kroese, Author of Mercury Falls, dude behind Mattress Police and Humor Blogs.

I will ask hard hitting questions like, "If you were a chair, what kind of chair would you be... and why?" serious stuff right there!

Of birthdays and future births.

So guess what?

 

For those of you thinking that's the inside of me, shame on you! No, that's my brother Sergio's baby inside of his wife Crazy Ez. Their first little dude (or dudette). Isn't he (or she) cute? Awwwwww!

When they sent me the picture, I immediately printed it and showed it around the office and then placed it on my wall.

 

Coincidentally, today is also my brother Sergio's birthday. He turns 34. Happy Birthday! You're gettin' old, brother!

____________________________________________________________________________________

On Saturday Andy and I went to Yu's Mandarin (the most delicious food you will ever eat!). At the end of our meal, they brought us our fortune cookies and my fortune read: "You will encounter luck in the near future" so Andy said (with an urgency he reserves for taking over hills or mountains or whatever they take over in that wacky world of weirdness game) "YOU HAVE TO BUY A LOTTO TICKET!!" and I was like "What???" because I was crunching my fortune cookie so I didn't hear him and his facial expression scared me. He repeated and I rolled my eyes.

Fast forward to Tuesday evening. He was about to take a shower when I noticed a set of odd number on my phone.

Bee: Oh, hey! Do you still want me to buy that lotto ticket?

Andy: You haven't??

Bee: Uh no. I haven't bought a lotto ticket since the 90s.

Andy: Dammit Bee! If the numbers come in and we didn't buy that ticket...!!!

Bee: So? Buy it?

Andy: ... I would kill myself!

Bee: ... ::blink blink::

Andy: ...

Bee: I guess we're buying that ticket.

 

Why so serious? Talkin' about making me a widow!

My trash your treasure + OZ steps out of line and I smack him back!

So, the yard sale went great!

We had wonderful weather... okay, maybe it was a little chilly but it was still enjoyable. We sat in my front yard under the canopy of trees and watched as cheapo people left without buying any of my CRAP treasures.

Milton had a great time. I think she also liked the fact that she was able to bond with the family members I'm constantly talking about (my sister, her girls, my brother Rick, my mom, Maria THE VEGETERIAN and her little daughter Sofia).

She did do a bunch of Milton things like reorganizing the shoes we were selling not once, twice, three times but like 500 times. She claimed somebody must have removed a $2 sticker on one of her items and placed a 50 cent sticker instead.

She also had kittens each time someone asked me what I was selling something for and I would talk myself down. "well, I want $3 but give me $2 and it's yours!"

She stuck to her prices and refused to negotiate which is probably why she's got more Benjamins than I do. The funny thing is that she owned up to her OCD and I have to say I enjoyed her company immensely.

There was one item I regretted putting out as soon as a lady picked it up. It was a gorgeous magazine rack that was almost new but I had put it away because I was abusing its magical powers and stacking too many magazines at one time.    

When she asked me the price, I said $3 and had it in my head that if she thought it was too much, she could go eff herself. She gave me the $3 (in quarters!!!) and drove off with my irreplaceable, priceless magazine rack. I MISS YOU MAGAZINE RACK!!

The downfall of this weekend is that, thanks to Milton, I am now on a first name basis with a lot of my neighbors and their dogs. I now more about their problems than I care too! I swear to Nihm that if any of them so much as smile at me because they *know* me, I will fling poo at them! I liked not knowing anybody but Boomhauer and Wilson. My sanctuary has been trespassed and contaminated!  The dogs were cute though.

I didn't make a lot of money (nope, can't retire yet) but the important thing is that my JUNK treasures are now gathering dust in someone else's house. (MAGAZINE RACK, COME BACK TO ME!!)

Coming back to work today, I had a conference call scheduled where OZ was going to have to man up and scare this guy I had been having a verbal sparring match with for the past couple of weeks. Instead he wimped out and postponed the call for Friday because he didn't have enough "" facts "". It pissed me off but then I remembered it wasn't my company and so I had my rice pudding.

When I went to lunch, OZ stepped into the kitchen and started asking me questions about that same account.

I don't know about you but I don't get paid while I'm at lunch. I also don't like distractions when I'm trying to enjoy my ham samich so I said.

Bee: I didn't bring the chart to lunch with me because I eat lunch at lunch.

OZ: Oh, but I'm sure you have some memory of the account details.

Bee: No, not while I'm at lunch because all I'm thinking about when I'm at lunch is my lunch.

OZ: Well, can you just answer me this one question?

Bee: Suuuuuure! When I get back from lunch.

Staring contest ensues.

OZ [leans against the kitchen sink]: ...

Bee [pats her ham sandwich]: ...

OZ [crosses his arms]: ...

Bee [takes a bite of her sandwich]: ...

OZ: ... I guess I'll buzz you when you get back from lunch.

Bee: I'm staying an extra 5 minutes which is about how long this conversation took. [I wink]

OZ: Okay. Just let me know when you get back.

Bee: You betcha!

 

That's what I'm talking about!!! MOFO interrupting me and my smoked ham sandwich!

If she bends over, you'll know what year she was born. Also, see a duck mooning the crowd.

We went to the Laundromat again on Monday. I think we all know how much I detest that place. Every time we go, something happens that infuriates me!

This time it was a stupid washer that didn’t let me select any other cycle other than ‘woolens’. Normally I would have just taken my clothes out and found one that had its entire workable buttons but the ones that weren’t being used, had little out of orders signs. I decided to just leave it there, what could go wrong?

Well, it turns out that the soap compartment wasn’t working properly and so my clothes received the same cleaning my uncle Ricardo gave himself when he was 10 and he pretended to shower by wetting the top of his head but not bothering to remove the dirt stains from his face.

The options were to rewash them which would mean spending more time in the demon’s armpit or just dry them and call it a day. My uncle Ricardo would be proud.

Next up, a lady set her basket on my table. Some of you may remember the near nervous breakdown that caused the last time. This time I remained calm (as calm as a teeny tiny raft on a raging river), cool (as cool as a walrus in a sauna) and collected (as collected as the hippo stamp)(I don’t know what that means either but I couldn’t come up with anything anti-collected). I decided not to say anything until it was time for me to use the table. When her husband went to move the basket without me having to say anything, I heard her say “leave the basket there”

It. Was. ON!

Unfortunately, she left the L’mat (that's what we cool non washer having people call it) to have dinner while her clothes were in the wash so she didn’t see me grab her basket and throw it on a washer. I told Andy “Don’t worry babe. If she comes in here and says something, I’ll take her outside!” but my Andy, being the kind hearted person he is said “uh Bee? She and her husband are both bigger than we are…” so I told my man he could wait in the car while I took care of them both.

I really thought she'd say something when she came back because she was also a Latina and I know I would have said something but she didn’t. She must be one of those higher plane people with normal blood pressure I keep hearing about.

Things at work are a little better since OZ is on vacation yet again. Boy, the economy hasn’t hit that dude one bit! Anyway, he still has peculiar requests when he calls. His most recent one was odd even for him. He wants me to Google ‘why we should send a refund to an insurance company’. When I asked if I may just CALL the insurance company themselves and ask them directly why they’re requesting the refund:

“No! JUST GOOGLE IT! I want a full report when I come back on Monday!”

Um okay? While I have my googler out I will also ask “why does my boss think google is a magic 8 ball?”

That man cracks me up. He cracks me up like a baseball bat to the head cracks me up.

We took my mom and Natalia to the Botanic Gardens on Sunday and while Natalia, my mom and Andy tanned, the sun left its mark on my scalp, chest, arms and feet the way a soccer ball did to my thighs when I tried to stop a goal (what a fun memory! The imprint of a half moon on each thigh was an awesome thing to explain to people). I remember being able to tan just by standing near a window now I have to cover up like I’m 106.

I love going to the gardens. I was happy to see that a lot of the plants/flowers they planted are the same ones I’m trying to encourage to grow in my garden. Sadly, mine got too much water earlier this year so they’re struggling but I’m hoping they come back healthier next year.

Of course, plants aren’t the only things you see at the botanic gardens.

There was also a woman in a sheer maxi-mini dress in 5 inch platform stripper shoes. I didn’t take a picture of her, even though I could have, because I worry about the content I put on this here blog. I certainly do not want to corrupt/offend anyone with delicate sensibilities so instead I drew a picture of her.

censored for your protection.

Yeah I know! Ewwwww!

So anyway, later alligators.

This weekend, I learned my family thinks I'm mentally incapable of doing things on my own and also, nuns can seem to sense the evil in me. Nuns and babies.

Last Friday I went to the same stylist who gave me the red highlights last year and had him do them again. This time I went alone since Crazy Ez had gone the day before. I didn’t remember exactly where the place was but the directions didn’t look too complicated so I embarked on my voyage with a falalala in my heart and mapquest on my lap.

The day before my adventure, my mom had said she would come with me, when I told her the process took 3-4 hours she gulped and hesitated. I told her she didn’t have to come with and then she said she didn’t feel right letting me go by myself.

Me:
Uh, mom? I am 36 years old. In the eyes of the law, I can venture out without an adult.  

Mom:
I know but I’d feel guilty not knowing if you were okay.

Me:
You and Nancy travel all over the place by yourselves! Why is it a big deal for me to go somewhere on my own?

Mom:
I don’t know, it just is.

Then Andy.

Andy:
Your mom isn’t going with you? You are going alone? BY YOURSELF?

Bee:
Cheese n crackers people! I was walking home from work alone, late at night, in the mean streets of Chicago before any of you even knew what danger was! Driving to a suburb in broad freakin daylight should not be a problem!

Apparently my family gets nervous when I'm left to my own devices. They had me feeling like the mentally ill family member who can't be trusted with scissors because I would probably find a trampoline and jump around until I stabbed my neck. That is insulting beyond description. Sure it took me about ten loop-dee-loops to find the place and I kept passing it up but at least I got there! It was kinda funny because I had my sister and Big Tex on the phone looking up my location and I decided to pull into a strip mall to wait for further instructions when I noticed the big sign for the Beauty Shop. I stumbled upon the joint all accidental-like.

My hair looks awesome by the way.

That same day, over dinner, my mom shared another missing puzzle piece.

When I was 15 and UNRULY (according to my mom but I think she just needed to have a beer every once in a while to mellow out), my mom and godmother decided it would be a good idea to send me off to a boarding school convent thing (to exorcise the demons within I assume). My godmother, being an ex-nun (who SUPPOSEDLY married a Fitzgerald as in John Fitzgerald Kennedy Fitzgeralds -whatever, I didn’t believe it either), pulled some strings to get me an interview in this very prestigious boarding school in Guadalajara Mexico.

I don’t remember much of the interview with THE NUNS (other than they being all frowny faced) but after it was done, they sent me out of the room and spoke to my mom and godmother alone. That place gave me the heebie jeebies! It was dark and creepy and all I could think of was finding a way to escape.

We left shortly after and I never returned. I assumed my mom had been appalled by the prison-like facility and changed her mind but the reality was different. It seems the nuns said “No thank you!” to yours truly and I didn’t find out until this weekend. I asked my mom why she hadn’t shared this information earlier and she said she hadn’t wanted to upset me. I then asked her if she was aware I had a blog and that this juicy information was like gold!

It seems the nuns feared my American-nes and thought I might disrupt the rest of their students and maybe bring unholy ideas into their sanctuary. Some may look at this as a rejection but I think this just solidifies my badass status.

My mom still enrolled me in a regular catholic school though not that it helped much but that is a story for another day.

♪♫ Saturday in the park... think it was the fist of a fly. ♪♫

Despite all the sore bones and blisters (Sore Bones & Blisters would make an awesome band name), we had a great time on Saturday. We hosted the whole family for a thank you extravaganza and had some yummy food prepared by yours truly. Everything went smoothly until the end where I accidentally knocked over the guacamole dish, NO, I WAS NOT DRUNK, and then all hell broke loose.

Tazz, knowing my mom makes the best guacamole in the world, ran to claim his share. We tried to stop him because of the pesky glass that could rip his stomach open and he was not pleased. His goal then became to take a piece out of every living person around him and he lived up to his Lhasa Apso Tibetan ancestry. A vicious Tazz is a scary and formidable sight. And he will live to be about 140. That's uh hold on, let me get a calculator... ... ... 20 in human years. I also discovered that he may suffer from macular degeneration in the near future and if you’re thinking this will give us the perfect opportunity to escape his attacks, you would be wrong since they do not rely on their eyesight to attack things which piss them off. Mostly Andy.

After everybody had left, Andy and I decided to go see The Hangover (<--preview) for its last showing of the evening. As most of you may know, Andy and I usually hit the movies on Sundays at predawn so we may take advantage of the cheapest priced tickets and also the lack of obnoxious teenagers and howly kids. The theater will usually only have about 10 people including us and that’s how we like it but we figured that if we went Saturday night, we would have most of Sunday to just sit around and get moldy.

We got into the car in the cover of darkness, said a little prayer and left the safety of our driveway. Shivering.

Once at the theater, we bought our tickets and nachos with no unusual incidents other than this geeky guy walking around with an orange backpack and neon blue shoes. What the hell kind of combination is that? There were only a handful of people in the theater so I thought it would be a nice, harmless experience. The feeling didn’t last though because people kept walking in, including Mr. Orange Backpack Neon Blue Shoes, and sitting close enough where I could smell what they had for dinner.

About 10 minutes into the movie, two men were having a discussion about how best to handle a phone call.

One guy said “Hang up the phone asshole or I’m gonna go over and hang it up for you!”

I thought that was reasonable.

Douchebag:
I’m on a call!

Hero:
You have 30 seconds to hang up the fucking phone!

Douchebag:
30 seconds? Cool. That should be enough time to finish my call [to person on the phone] So anyway—

Hero:
HANG UP THE PHONE OR I’ll TAKE YOU OUTSIDE!

Douchebag:
Take me outside? Are we in a movie? Pfft! He's gonna take me outside!

Hero [stood up and went to sit next to El Douche]:
You gonna keep talking?

Douchebag:
This is harassment!

And in what can only be called a beautiful display of unity, (almost) EVERYONE IN THE THEATER:
Both of you SHUT THE FUCK UP!

They both left.

I made sure I had my running shoes on in case I needed to haul ass out of there. Although, I had just had a Mike’s Hard Lemonade so maybe I would have stayed and rumbled.

When we were leaving the movie theater, there was a 70 year old couple exiting the aisle. The man was laughing but the woman was admonishing him for doing so.

Old lady:
Why are you laughing? That was the stupidest movie I have ever seen!

Old dude:
No. It was very amusing.

Old lady:
What is wrong with you??

And as soon as we were out of earshot Andy and I started laughing because we knew exactly what scenes had offended her. I’m not telling you what they are since it would ruin the movie's shockingness. All in all, we still think that old couple is pretty cool for venturing out at that late hour without being afraid of the night crawlies.

Going to a late movie was a nice adventure but I don't thing we'll be repeating that experience any time soon.

Oh yeah, there was one heartbreaking moment on Saturday. I found my first grey hair. Wait. Did you hear me? I, Bee Still-young-person, have discovered a horrific silver hair amongst my beautiful multicolored (because I have way too many different shades of brown, some black and even ORANGE) locks.

This whole getting old thing is unacceptable.

I don't want to brag but today is my blogaversary. Okay, I do want to brag so what did you get me?

You know, for 2 years now, I have sat/stood/leaned/floated in front of some monitor or another typing up posts about occurrences in my home life and my experiences with the batty ladies of perpetual flatulence.

I’ve gone from 10 feed subscribers (3 of them being my work computer, home computer and Andy’s computer) to about 300 now (I say ““about”” because it sometimes goes to 303 and then sometimes to 325-55 but never under 300 I don’t know why that happens I just chalk it up to feedburner having the same weight issues I do)(uh not to imply I’m 300 pounds m’mkay?). I know there are others who have a lot more but I’m always thankful for those I have. After all, if they are not related to me, they are under no obligations to read about my many musical (musical because I know you picture my life to be a mix between Grease, The Sound of Music and Little Shop of Horrors and also because I burst into song to keep myself from gritting my teeth until they’re a fine dust) adventures.

I think I have come a long way from my first post where I bemoaned the fact that my shows ended for the season, LAME, and the many survey-like posts that have me answering questions to determine which comic book person I am, THE HULK in case you were wondering.

During those 2 years, I have struggled with certain issues I should or should not post about. Fights with Andy, disagreements with my family, Tazz being addicted to cleaning products, politics, religion, etc. Sometimes I think it would have been better to have kept the blog from my family so that I may speak freely and not censor myself on certain subjects but in the end it’s for the best that they know of my bloglife… right?

I have *met* awesome people. People who are hilarious, supportive and, for some reason, love mocking me. I have also come across people who take me too seriously and leave me ignorant comments because they believe they have the monopoly on self righteousness. Well you don’t assholes. Anyone who has an ass can talk out of it.

Recently, someone left an anonymous comment saying that the people I post about are not real and that I make everything up. Well, thank you. I consider that to be an immense compliment because if I have invented this world I live in, I must have a superior imagination than that of Stephen King himself.

I mean, to be able to come up with half this material on my own makes me a storytelling mastermind and all people should place offerings of nachos, mojitos, shoes and unicorn skin at my feet.

Bastards.

Blogging is a great hobby but it is a hard hobby. I have come across blogs that started strong but then the people grew tired, bored or even became too busy to continue (the may have a life where as I have you guys). Others take it way too seriously. Me, I keep it simple by just rambling on about me, my faaaaavorite subject, and if it’s not about me, it’s about people who affect my life. If someone does something to disturb my delicate ecosystem, you will hear about it.

This place is not about changing lives, educating anybody or talking about anything serious in nature. Well, I’m sure some of THE SERIOUS will occasionally leak in but it will be purely accidental. I have fun relaying the work and home shenanigans because I know that most of you have lived through office politics and have had insane spousal debates. That’s why people read blogs. They relate to this story or that one and if I had children, you’d probably relate to me leaving them at the store because I forgot a human had made its way out of my body. No? Okay then it’s a good thing I don’t have kids.

So anyway, here’s to Bee’s Musings completion of year number 2. May the material be fertile for another year? (<— the question mark is Word’s suggestion which I find mildly insulting) (and also, may the fertility stay on the blog and not stray anywhere more inconvenient and painful.)

SALUD!

Also celebrating today, because kids tend to always steal my thunder!!!, is the beautiful Isabella. She is now a year old and she’s come a long way from looking all blurry like she did in this picture.

She has started taking some steps on her own and her hand/eye coordination is outstanding as evidence by her always smacking me on my face with the force of a ball-peen hammer. Which makes me have doubts about my hand/eye coordination.

She is also a mini Tarzan who likes swinging off the bed and fearlessly standing on shopping cart seats. She is the complete opposite of the little lady Natalia has always been. Her ferocious little attitude makes me fear for her mother’s sanity. But then I get over it and take a nap because I can.

Feliz Cumpleaños chiquitita! ♥☺☼

I boldly went where I've never gone before...

So, we went to see Star Trek on Sunday. Even though I’ve never ever seen a single episode of the original series or the previous movies (never! not even by accident where, say, I was strapped to a bed and the only channel with reception was running a Star Trek marathon and my eyes were held open by toothpicks and superglue, ever) I liked it!

Chris Pine is hawt even with his bushy brows or maybe I have a thing for bushy brows since my Andy has them too. I just thought about the bushy brow thing and I don’t want you to misunderstand me. There are certain wild bushy brows that I find acceptable and then there are those that are manicured bushy which ewww!

Anyway, Pine’s character is a funny smartass that, thank heavens, does not remind me of William Shatner’s acting. I guess some people thought William Shatner was a stud in his hey day but I’ve never seen the attraction.

Speaking of Andy's bushy brows, you would have thought being late for this movie would spell disaster for Earth and its inhabitants because he went on a rant where he almost forbade me to use the bathroom before we left. I had to put my foot down (on his face) and tell him that I was not going to hold it for hours just because he didn’t want to miss a single second of outer space. I think his fear was that there would be gobs of people standing in line. At 10:45 AM. On a Sunday. I had to reassure him that few people have less of a life than we do but then I remembered we were talking about Trekkies so I stand corrected. Kidding! Maybe.

I’m sure there were many inside jokes I missed but I didn’t feel like you needed to be wearing pointy ears to be able to follow the movie. Oh yeah and I especially liked the retro outfits the chicks um women wore.

We went to the movies after taking my mom to breakfast to celebrate the fact that I was the first one to make her a mother. She and I joke about it every year because I always expect her to give me a present and she always says “I gave you life” and I always respond that that trick is played out and now I want a pony/koala bear/Brad Pitt.

I further celebrated mami’s day by cooking dinner. For some reason she loves my veggie lasagna and as an added bonus, Maria, THE VEGETARIAN, was also able to dine on my fine cuisine on her first mother’s day ever because I didn’t use as much ground seal as the recipe calls for.

I also prepared a nice salad and some homemade garlic bread.

Nothing but the best for my momma!

I know I know, I’m a horrible daughter considering she is always cooking our favorite dishes and she does it from scratch.

I think she was a little disappointed that I didn’t invite the clan over to celebrate but frankly the husband and I have a budget we live on and our life got a little more complicated once my brother Rick, Maria and the baby moved in. Andy and I joke about the fact that we don’t have children and yet our food bill suggests otherwise. So, due to the new responsibilities and in order to avoid going to the poor house, our home is now officially closed for any future hosting events until further notice (Thanksgiving being the exception).

I’m hoping to make it up to her on her birthday by organizing dinner at a nice restaurant I hope it’s understood that everybody will pay for their own food because I don’t think Andy will be too thrilled with staying behind to help the busboys clean up. ;o)

P.S.

Mini rant regarding Costco. Andy and I bought some lemon blueberry and blueberry muffins. And we, AS A COUPLE, have this to ask:

WHAT THE FUCK??

Did we misunderstand the label? Did you mean "with a hint of blueberry"? Because we could not find a blueberry to save our lives! Well, Andy found one but then it fell and he cried out "No! Where the fuck are my blueberries??" Maybe we should have paid for them with a hint of money? Bastards.

P.P.S. to jean knee:

Don’t think I didn’t catch your question regarding my dogs and what they got me for mother’s day. I know you did it because of last year’s post. I forgive you because you are my friend but next year? I will make you wear my new shoes as punishment.

So yeah. I feel the spirit, man.

The picture above is the reason why I could never move from this booger-freezing climate. It looked absolutely beautiful! (until it melted and caused another near flood but we had on our floaties)

Every year, we celebrate Christmas Eve with the Cors and then Christmas day with the Ruts (not our actual last names but I don't need you guys going to google maps and then watching me sit in front of my TV night after night)(weirdos).

The Cors party was awesome I got some great gifts from the White Elephant game- booze and a vacuum/broom thing. I'll be drunk while I clean, AS IT SHOULD BE.

The next day we went to my inlaws and had a blast. I normally feel some tension but this year we were minus my brother-in-law's long time girlfriend, we will call her Mulee, she was... well, IS a conniving little bitch and I was never able to let bygones be bygones when around her.
Not even on Christmas. I know I know my soul will be damned until eternity blah blah it can only be damned once though so I've had that privilege since the 80s.

We had fun, the dogs had fun and the men did dishes. It was a Christmas miracle.

Mocha went absolutely nuts over a very peculiar looking toy:

I found it disturbing since you had to shake it in an up-and-down motion to make it gurgle...

While we were eating my mother-in-law's delicious raspberry french toast casserole, Andy and I had this exchange:

Andy:
You know what I find interesting?

Bee:
No, pray tell my sweet.

Andy:
How we love raspberries but if you think about it, we are eating hairy berries.

Bee:
I like their tartness, it makes my cheeks cave in and get all skinny.

Andy:
Hey you! Come here and eat my hairy berries!

Bee:
BWAHAHAHAHAAA damn dude! Don't be so nasty! It's Christmas! … Well, Jesus would think it's funny too.

Andy:
Of course he would think it's funny! If I was around back then I'd be his sidekick apostle. I'd totally have his back and kick Judas in the hairy berries and I'd say, 'see what I did there Jesus? I kicked him in the raspberries for ya'!' Fuckin Judas.

Bee:
Amen and peace to all mankind.

All in all, it was a great Christmas!

P.S.
jean knee sent me marygeewuanna for Christmas. JEAN KNEE! I LOVE YOU MAN!

Humor-Blogs

I leave you with my favorite-ist song of the season:

Listen, I've said before how I do not want to be known as a GOOD housewife but...

I made split pea soup for the first time in my life and it came out de- wait for it -licious!

Okay, it does look like baby poop fresh from the source but it was mighty tasty! In all the years of me hosting Thanksgiving and making a ham along with the turkey, I had never thought to do anything with the ham bone except whack Andy over the head with it but when I saw the recipe and noticed I had all but one ingredient (the split peas which are essential for split pea soup, so I hear), well that was just too easy to pass up. Plus I didn't know what I was going to make for dinner.

Winter has officially hit the best city in the world so this is just what we needed on a cold and slushy evening.

Unfortunately!! Little did I know it would make about 5 gallons of soup! Me? I can eat about 2 or 3 bowlfuls in the next week or so and Andy will eat what I give him (or else!) but there is no way we can eat all that soup.

No. Way.

I mean, I get enough searches to my blog looking for answers to their green poop dilemmas and here I'll have some of my own.

The next thought I had was to freeze it and give it away to those I want to punish love "Merry Christmas Family! Pea Soup Just For You!" with tiny hearts on the card to show how much I care but Andy said the plan might backfire (pun?). He said we might walk out of Christmas wearing pea soup and that would be worse than eating it everyday.

I do have some casserole dishes to return to my mother-in law and to my sister so they will definitely get a visit from the Pea Soup Fairy!

Anyway, this marks the last day of NaBloPoMONoDoFoSho (posting every day in November)! I only missed 2 days woohoo!

Talk to you guys later and let me know if you'd like me to send you a special green package.

Humor-Blogs

P.S.

You're lucky I am writing this and not relating this to you in person because, for some reason, I keep calling it SPIT PEA SOUP and really, who wants to hear that?? Or be spit on by me? Except for Andy but that's another story.

P.P.S.

I did not go by the traditional recipe for Split Pea Soup because I have taste buds and like my food to have more spices than the bland ones I found online. If you have one you swear by, let me know.

I'll be back tomorrow with a proper *day after* post but...

I just wanted to thank everybody for the birthday wishes and also all the new people that stopped by and called me old without even knowing me very well. That is what I want Bee's Musings to be, a place where you feel free to come over and mock me without fear. :o)

I had a great birthday surrounded by lots of people who love me, weird I know, sharing with me the joy of hitting the big THREE SIX!

I leave this quick Andy & Bee in love phone convo:

Andy:
How's your day going, buttnut?

Bee:
Ummm great! Nancy and Natalia surprised me! [more on that later]

Andy:
Good good. What kind of cake do you want?

Bee:
You don't need to get a cake.

Andy:
WHAT KIND OF CAKE DO YOU WANT??

Bee:
WHATEVER IS FINE!!

Andy:
Tell me what kind! YOU ARE SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS!

Bee:
No, you're a pain in the ass!!

Andy:
NO, YOU ARE!

And so ends another lovey dovey phone conversation.

He wound up bringing me Strawberry shortcake and Tiramisu, how much does my husband rock even though he's a pain in the ass??



Humor-Blogs

MY chest hurts! I think I’m having a lopsided heart attack!

That’s when your heart hurts but the pain is not on your left side.

Get ready for another rant. Ready? Are you sure? This might not be up long. I might take it down since I don’t know how long this pissed-off-edness will last. Might last one day, it might take us into the next century!

I have 3 brothers and one sister. Ages 32, 31, (wait, my sister is 8 years younger than me I’m 35. 35-8 =?) 27 and 25. I have no serious issues with those above the age of 26 but the one below that age??? I want to slap him so hard his silly cheeks will touch his toes!!!

I don’t understand!

We were all raised by the same mother so how can he be so different from the rest of us??

He was the first to cry out for independence, moved to New York and bummed around but finally came back after a year, skinner than death and even more lacking in family social skills.

He doesn’t want anybody’s advice because EVERYBODY IS WRONG but he will ask for money or favors when he needs them. He judges us for taking our jobs seriously “It’s just a job man!” Uh yeah, one that helps when you ask me to borrow money for the bus man!

Enablers, that’s what we are.

About 2 weeks ago I asked him to stop using the text option on his phone because we got a $70 bill for usages on his line alone. We are only supposed to be dishing out $9.99 and now he cost us 7 times that??

He apologized said he would stop but guess the fuck what? I checked on his phone and he is now up to $143!!

Seriously???

How was my message misinterpreted? Please, someone explain to me how me saying “Stop it!” turned into “Dude, you know what? I’d like you to text every one of your fuckin little loser friends just to say things like ‘wzup guy wtcha doin’?’ because I feel like this will help strengthen the muscles in my heart so that when I finally have THE BIG ONE I will be able to drive myself to the hospital without the need of an ambulance!”

Thanks LITTLE brother! I KNEW I could count on you!

What?

You think I should keep personal family bizness out of my blog?

Tough shit there Sparky because now you pissed me off! Before, when it was $75 -almost two full tanks of gas-, I could control my heart beats by breathing slowly but now THAT IT IS ALMOST DOUBLE??
Well, breathing slowly won’t cut it because I might just lose too much oxygen and the 6 brain cells I have left might start knocking into each other. Where will we be then? Will you take care of me? Will you pay my fuckin’ bills?

But! Here is my solution. That Stimulus Package we are all coveting? You will get to see me cash it after you've signed it and MAYBE I’ll give you bus fare.

::sigh::

I know what you’re going to say, ‘bump him off your plan’.

One day, one day my heart will indeed be ice and he’ll have to walk that high wire without his chump of a safety net!

See that? And I don't even have kids! I shouldn't have this type of stress in my life!

Another Monday that sucked monkey balls! Can you guys please click on Humor-Blogs for me even if you know all I do is rant?

Isabella Sofia 5/29/08

I gave the evil gargoyle in me a sedative so that I may announce the birth of Isabella Sofia. I am truly lucky to be sharing the world with 2 special little girls. (Oh, and my sister's not so bad either!)

I was also informed that Natalia's (the older half of the angel nieces) middle name is now BIANCA*!! Yessss! My arduous harassment campaigning was rewarded!!

... Maybe I should run for president?

You may congratulate me now.

*If you're new to these here parts, that is my REAL LIFE name. The one I use at bars. And at the race track. Oh, and with my drug dealer.

Tiredness BS and de-evolution

I. Am. Exhausted!

Sooooo tired I can't talk my legs into supporting my body to go for a water run. Okay, that's just an excuse since I know that if I get up, I might as well get some cake... ooh or maybe some couscous salad! Be right back.

Back. I chose the couscous made by SIL Crazy Ez.

The party rocked! There were drawings of people with penis' on their heads and questions about what layette meant. I think SOMEBODY forgot it was a baby shower and not a bachelorette party! Bunch of sickies! There I was with my pure, pristine mind, blushing away!

I want to thank SILs Marie and Crazy Ez for co-hosting the BS with me. No way would I have been able to pull off the BS without them and I think they deserve a standing *O* for all their help with the BS!

Anyway, thank you for coming in to check on me even though I was rude and didn't visit your awesome blogs until today-night.

I'm going to bed now but I leave you with this one question, do you think the big guy in the sky has sent someone to realign my soul?

I received a religious music CD ANONYMOUSLY and I've been jammin' to it since Tuesday! That is the way to hook me you know, give me a good beat and a hippie playing a guitar while singing (this explains my love for Jack Johnson) and I'm following you like a rat following the Pied Piper.

Hasta Lumbago peoples and don't forget to click on Humor-Blogs for me!

.

P.S.

Why is it that every time I watch a TV show or movie where they're centered around Christmas I want it to be December?? I mean, we FINALLY won the battle over mother nature and have awesome weather and here I want to go back to snow!

.

P.P.S

ALSO?

Why?

Why do people still ask me WHY I don't want children?? It's the twenty-first fuckin century assholes! How about you evolve and wrap your head around people who might not think like you?? Oh! You think you might be able to change my mind? You think that after seeing me a handful of times in a year YOU are going to be that person who *fixed* me? If my mom and other family members couldn't do it, what makes you think you A STRANGER will? If you're that egotistical, maybe you're the one that needs *fixin'*!

(unless you're a hippie playing a guitar, then you can brainwash me into shooting babies outta my nose if you want)

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance...

I don't know if you're aware but everybody in my immediate family is born in October. (If you didn't know, now you do and you can file it in the Bee Trivia notebook you have for when I do sell my game.)
My 3 brothers, my sister and my Andy where all born in the same month.
.
It's really hard to get them birthday gifts since Christmas is so close and... well, I'm cheap.
No, I'm not cheap. I just don't like spending money on anyone other than myself.
I deserve it, you know?
.
Anyway.
.
This year, I will buy them something special.
I found the perfect gift for all 5 of them.
My macho brothers, my sensitive hubby, my wacky sister, they will all love their gift!
.
I found out.
.
That.
.
.
.

New Kids On The Block will be in Chicago on October 4th!!!


All five of them will be holding hands, singing along to 'Step by Step', 'Hangin' Tough', 'You got it (The Right Stuff)' and of course Jordan Knight's high pitched 'I'll be loving you (forever)'(and by all 5, I meant my family but I'm sure NKOTB will hold hands too)


I know what you're thinking "Bee, no way could you be a bad ass and have been a NKOTB groupie at the same time!"
.
Well I wasn't their groupie!
I thought their music was sappy and stupid and was all about GnR, Skid Row, Def Leppard, Metallica etc. and then Grunge. So I went from Hair Bands to unwashed bands but I was not a NKOTB chick.
Ignore anybody that tells you I had a Jordan Knight poster because they're probably on crack!
Did you guys see him on The Surreal Life 3? What a douche!
.
So, yeah. I don't know if I'll also give them money to buy themselves a T-Shirt. Probably not.
.
Humor-Blogs is giving away free NKOTB tickets so click on the link.

P.S.
Thanks to everybody who took my side on the whole Cheetos controversy. Go out, buy yourselves a bag and send Andy the bill.
.
********Disclaimer!
Bee is not responsible for what she types on her posts. She is usually lying and will not be buying anybody, anything, ever, so don't get your hopes up.
She is not lying about NKOTB sucking ass and her love of Metal and Grunge. That part is true. She also thinks you guys pay way too much attention to the fine print. Doesn't it hurt your eyes? Did you click on humor-blogs? Why not?? Do you want to see my cry? Is that it? Why am I friends with you if all you do is torture me so??

Karate= Empty Hand. My hands= Squish! Just like grape.

-Day 82. Fighting always last answer to problem- Mr. Miyagi

Saturday evening was my couch potato night since I survived YET ANOTHER family get together. All the crazy key players were there, doing all their mocking with their rocking and their rolling.

Brother Dan was being poked fun at for not knowing how to dance.
Bee was poked fun at because she is now too self conscious to dance in serious venues.
Sister Nancy cuz her butt counted the stairs as she fell down them when she was about 10.
Brother Sergio because he still thinks the White Sox are gonna win... uh, be careful with that one because he gets mad. :op

Anyway, I was wondering what my post would be about since I didn't do anything exciting other than play snow baseball. (That's where you grab a broken broom handle and swat at the fence's snow hats. I always win.) (Probably because I'm the only one that plays it since everybody else is too busy looking at me funny.)

After everybody left, I did a bunch of random things until I finally wound up watching The Karate Kid on TV.



I haven't seen this movie since the original time I saw it in 1984. Watching it Saturday night was a trip down memory lane. The music, the clothes, California, the school clicks... I then realized how much I love this movie!

I'm not really surprised Ralph Machio's career never really surfaced higher than the dumpster, especially because the true star was Mr. Miyagi.
Short, out of shape dude, with moves like a ninja, who liked to garden... kinda reminded me of... well, ME! (except for the dude part)

I submit the following proof to the words I'm spewing:
Andy tried to take me down yesterday but I side stepped, nipple pinched, crouched sumo-wrestler-style to make him beg for mercy! If you don't believe me, ask my momma. She was laughing her butt off saying I was as "unmovable as an oak tree".

Yippee-ki-yay! No, that's more cowgirl. Hee-YAH!! Bee = karateka.



Only problem is, I don't do kicks.
My legs are too short so I wind up looking like Butt-head doing those weird kicks when he's "dancing". Whatever man. If you see me comin', cross the freakin' street!
Okay, I'm off to find me a Daniel-San to do my all my house work.
Wax on, wax off, don't forget to breathe, verrrry important!

He kinda looks like one of my mom's uncles! RIP MR. M.

.
P.S.
I don't try to catch flies with chopsticks, I spear moths midair with toothpicks! Hee-YAH!

The joys of dating

-Day 16.When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

So...

My little brother Rick, I guess at 25 he's not that little, was over for dinner last night and we got to talking about break ups.

He then told us the following tale.

He was on a train with a new "girlfriend" who was working his last nerve by going on and on like a wind up pair of chattering teeth.


He said he finally got sick of her so at the next stop, he got up without saying a word and walked off the train leaving her sitting there with her mouth open. He never spoke to her again.

**I do not condone being this cruel to anybody but I have to admit to laughing my ass off.**

What I discovered about Rick was this, he is the reason they make this chew toy for dogs.

Sometimes I'm glad I'm in a commited, until death do us part, relationship.
...................................................................................
This is for Chris @Serendipity Mine (and for anybody else that wants it).
Here's our "we believe button". He wasn't gonna be just any alien, he had to be bad ass!

You had me at Red Leopard Print!!

-Day 13. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.-
Henry Ward Beecher

So...
Hard day.
BUT!!
We showed what we're made of, my wacky siblings, our wacky spouses and I.

After mass, the funeral director gave us the little flags you put on the cars for a funeral procession and you should have seen the guys.
They were so amped to be able to go thru red lights and stop signs! Seriously.
My brother Sergio whispered right away, "You can go thru red lights with these things." to Andy and Dan.
Any hopes to steal one was dashed since the funeral dude took them as soon as we parked at the cemetery. I'm thinking he's had some go missing...
.
On the way to the cemetery, we were sitting in the car, quietly reflecting, when all of a sudden AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" came on... Andy changed the station quickly but the next song was "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate and we catch "I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing, you sexy thing!" another quick change of station "Dance till you can't dance till you can't dance no more" C+C Music Factory with "Everybody Dance".
.
Andy said that was the strangest soundtrack to a funeral he ever heard. Well, we lost it and had a good laugh.
.
Our car was car number 2 in the funeral procession and Andy started feeling the pressure, helped by Nancy and I of course, because he was afraid if he waited too long to go or hesitated, he could screw up the timing. Should he stop for gas? But he did fine, YAY Andy!
.
After all the emotional-ness, the brothers decided to get something to eat, so our little caravan of 7 people looked for the nearest IHOP. (I know what you're thinking, "IHOP? Why oh why must you go to the food poisoning capital of the world?!" We survived. This time.)
.
We were having a good time, remembering things, teasing each other (We discovered Dan looks--a little tiny bit--like McSteamy, just a little bit, Dan- maybe just the facial hair) when brother Sergio exclaims, "I have an announcement!" The whole restaurant stopped what they were doing, complete silence, waiting for him to say... what?
Is his wife Esmeralda pregnant? What? What???
.
Sergio:
Esmeralda is going back to her natural hair color.
... ... ... ...
Laughter!
Did that merit an announcement? Ummmm... no!
If it was an announcement, was it his to make? No, not really Sergio. No, no.
For some reason that just cracked us up.

.
Leaving the IHOP, the guys spotted EVIL Best Buy, electronics store and women's hell, therefore our caravan moved to there where, to my surprise, they had a rack of awesome laptop carriers and iPod accessories (red and leopard print baby!). Now if they would only take Esmeralda's suggestion and stock it with shoes... we might not want to drill holes in our foreheads while the men look at yet another Mega Dimensional Half Inch Thick TV with super sonic sound.
.
So this is where our day ended, the dudes playing Rock Band and school teacher, Esmeralda, making us play a trivia game (WHICH I WON! IN YOUR FACE!!) (I think I won...??) (Yeah, for the purposes of this post I won!).
Good times. Good memories.

Oh, and some lady was hitting on Andy, in church!!

The day after

All he wanted to do, after a long stressful day, was to take a bath and relax. Little did he know Prancer was looking for easy money and would sell his secret to the tabloids!


***********************
-----------------------------


Below is a video of my favorite song of the season.
"Baby it's cold outside"
The best version is the Dean Martin one but this will be second on my list. It's amazing how a song we sing every year can be so psychotically twisted! Trust me when I say you will never listen to this song the same ever again! I'll wait for you right here while you watch it.




Wasn't it freaky-funny? No!? What do you know? You're sitting there reading this blog! ;o)
*********************************************
Hope you had a Happy Holiday and Santa overlooked your naughtiness!
I know he overlooked mine or maybe he just gave me someone else's gifts...
As many of you know, there are subjects that are off limits by royal decree of King Husband Andy. I just wanted to tell you guys of the reception we received Christmas Day at his parent's house.
Let me set the scene for you.
Bee and Andy running 15 minutes late due to Bee's migraine and inability to raise her head higher than an inch at a time and then having to take a shower hoping to dispel some of the cackling hyenas in her head (although there really should be no need for an excuse to take a shower!).
Father in law opening the door for innocent-unsuspecting-never-snarky-Bee-and-Andy.
Bee an Andy:
Merry Christmas!!
Father in law:
I thought you'd never get here! We were about to start without you! Everything is on the table!
Bee:
Well you should have started without us.
FIL:
We were! [walking into kitchen]
Bee to Andy:
First thing on Christmas morning?? WHAT. THE .FUCK!!
Andy:
[grimace]
.
The end.
Not really the end, I'd tell you more but my hands are tied by L-o-v-e!

Homework: New year resolutions (other than losing weight)(maybe if I don't resolve to lose weight this year, my body and mind will be fooled into losing weight!).

Elfed! HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE!

Thanks for the picture NCS! Don't we look groovy? Andy Elf has boobies. (THEY LOOK BETTER THAN MINE!)

So...
Due to some constructive criticism, I've decided to change the template of my blog.

Don't be surprised if you come on over and find me in my pajamas, adding and removing... stuff. (See how technical I can get?)

Anyway, here are a few I'm thinking about.

Red Swirls Red Swirls 2 Swinging Banshee (probably not but I liked the name) Release Me.

---

Santa came early-

Interesting thing we saw today while coming back from the dreaded grocery store:

A kid (probably late teens) learning to ride a Unicycle on a busy street with no paved sidewalks!

Times we thought he was going to end up being grape juice: SEVEN!

.

How many of you can say you've seen someone on a Unicycle (outside of a circus or movie)? Jealous?