Milton is full of *heavy* air?

I had a little trouble sleeping the other night and I was telling Milton about it because I tend to forget how a normal conversation can go dramatically wrong when talking to Milton.

Me: I woke up at about 3 a.m. and felt like I had a bubble of air trying to work its way out of my throat and I felt like was asphyxiating. I got up and the air came hissing out of my mouth like a punctured tire and it went on for what felt like 3 minutes. It was so weird!

Milton: I wonder if air makes you gain weight.

Me: Uh, what? Like if you inhale too much of it, you get fat? Is that what you mean?

Milton: No, no I know we can't fat from air [right because I'm the one that's being ridiculous!] I just mean that if I'm gassy and go weigh myself, will I weigh more than when I'm not gassy?

Me: . . .

Milton: Next time that happens to you, go weigh yourself before you burp and then weigh yourself after you burp just as a mini experiment.

Me: I thought I was going to die! I don't think I would have had the presence of mind to put on a robe, knock around in the dark as I walk to the bathroom and then weigh myself!

Milton: Just out of curiosity, what did you eat? Did you drink a lot of Pepsi? I think I'm going to try get gassy tonight and then weigh myself. I'll tell you tomorrow what happened.

Me: Please don't.

Why do people always look at me weird when they listen to my side of a phone conversation??

Me [to Andy]: It's a big piece of meat.

I listen to what Andy is saying.

Me: You'll recognize it when you see it. It's HUGE.

I listen some more

Me [I gesture with fingers and hands as if he can see me]: It's thick. About an inch, inch and a half. Probably about a foot long, maybe a little shorter.

Listen, listen, listen.

Me: Well, compare them. Which one is bigger?

I nod as I listen.

Me: Yup! That's the one I want! Now put it on the stove. Thanks!

I turn to see Margara staring at me and shaking her head as if she was trying to make sense of what she was hearing.

In the end, Andy chose the wrong piece of meat. I wanted this one:

  8 pounds

But he actually thawed the short and stubby one:

3.5 pounds

That man needs constant supervision!

Sane-ness is overrated. Or maybe I should say *SANITY* is overrated? Meh. I'll stick to *sane-ness*

As some of you may know, my brother-in-law Jim has moved into the Beehive. We're still adjusting and I'm sure we'll go through a bunch of head knocking before we all sit and cumbaya around a campfire.

Since my floor only has 2 bedrooms and one bedroom we use to go night night and the other is Andy's dungeon, Andy had to move his dungeon out so that Jim could use that as his bedroom.

Because our house isn't one of these houses:

 

we had to figure out where Andy's Orc murdering device would go.

Lucky for me, I now I have my man sitting only about 15 feet away from me.

Yep, that's right. We are now so close I can read his thoughts and he can hear my growls.

I'll be watching TV and swearing at it because it makes me angry or hungry and he'll be like "what? did you say something?" and I'll say "yes but not to you" and then he'll ask "what?" because he has his earphones on so he can only hear sounds I make and can't actually decipher them and then I'll respond "YES BUT NOT TO YOU" and he'll turn to stare at me and I'll have craned my neck to shake my head and he'll shrug and go back to his "quest". Or, I'll be sitting in quiet reflection as I scroll through my emails and I'll hear "pick up the ads, get out of the fire" and I'll ask "WHAT?? FIRE?? THERE'S A FIRE??" --silence-- "Andy??" and I'll get up so that I may make eye contact and then he'll shoo me away because he's mean and I'll go back to my chair all sad and dejected with the determination not to fall for his tricky trap again but 5 minutes later I'm all like "did you say something?"

I'm not looking forward to the day that I'm watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and swearing at the judges and Andy is trying to call orders to his minions and he'll get upset because his minions can hear me call Nigel an aging douchebag and so a spousal brawl will break out in the kitchen because there isn't any room to fight anywhere else.

::sigh::

On the bright side, I'm partially deaf out of my right ear so maybe everything will be all right in the end.

P.S.

No, my window still has not been fixed.

P.P.S.

I went back for the shoes but they were gone. Now some mean bitch is tottering around in my cool shoes!