I'm not always a lady... sometimes I'm a duck.

-Day 78. Everything has two sides--the outside that is ridiculous, and the inside that is solemn.--Olive Schreiner

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I know you’re sick of hearing I’m sick but... honestly, I really don’t care. No no. I'm kidding. I feel better. I'm over the worst part. I'm just going thru the boogie part.

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You guys know how much of a lady I am by now, right? I know some of you may disagree (you know who you are!) and I'll have to concede to having the occasional blunder or two.

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For example, Is there a ladylike way to blow ones nose? I was blowing my nose in the bathroom and noticed how my face contorts into one of those scary Halloween masks.

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Soooooo, since I had nothing better to do, I decided to practice in front of the mirror, you know, just in case I might have to blow my nose in public due to an unforeseen emergency. I don't want to scare small children... more than I do on a daily basis.

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I tried and tried with no success. Eyeballs bulged, double chin appeared, forehead creased. I've decided to continue my nose blowing in private.

Something else that doesn’t look ladylike, stuffing one third of a juicy orange into your mouth and then trying to chew and swallow before you dribble and/or drown.

I managed to remain alive and dribble free but at the cost of my ladyness (spell check was telling me I'm trying to type "lewdness" instead of "ladyness", how well does this thing know me!).

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Anyway, you'll be happy to know, I'm not ALWAYS a lady.

Somebody gave my Leprechaun the wrong directions

-DAY 77. The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.- Dolly Parton

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, waiting for my Lucky Leprechaun to arrive with my pot of gold.

No pot!

Not even a little pot.

How sad.

I wasted hours sitting under a homemade rainbow for nothing!

Oh well, maybe next year?

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As random piece of information, I have eaten enough oranges to start my own orchard. Well, not really since I ate them uh... I have eaten enough oranges to start my own orange juice factory. Hee Hee if you got that you're grossed out right now.

"Why so many oranges?" you ask. The decongestants, Nquil, and Vicks cough drops have left a horrible taste in my mouth. The only thing that's been helping is the oranges. It eliminates the flavor of wet hamster. If anybody has any other suggestions, OTHER THAN BRUSHING MY TEETH (wise guys!), I'd really appreciate it.

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P.S.

IT FREAKIN' SNOWED!!!

Observations from the couch.

-Day 76. Nyquil side effects: May cause your bladder to shrink to the size of a toddler's. Once you take it and are about to fall asleep, you will have to pee right away. May cause bruising due to sever drowsiness. Your walk to the bathroom will be zombie-like with the walls moving and hitting you in the face, body and feet. Concentrate once in the bathroom to prevent swaying.
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So...
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I've come to the realization that my sofas were designed by torture loving freaks. I must do something about them before the next flu season.

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While shifting incessantly on them Saturday night and all of Sunday, I was subjected to the weirdest TV shows/commercials ever! Since it is my objective to educate all of you on all the nonsense in the world...

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Mirapex commercial:

MIRAPEX for Restless Legs Syndrome.
"Oh, that's not so bad!" you say.
No, I guess it's not. For people who are constantly twitching throughout the night and kicking their partners, I say give it a try! (Unless you kick them on purpose and just pretend to be sleeping.) but beware of the of the side effects.
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MIRAPEX can cause serious side effects, including:
• falling asleep during normal daily activities like driving.

• low blood pressure when you sit or stand up quickly. You may have dizziness, nausea, fainting, or sweating. Sit and stand up slowly after you have been sitting or lying down for a while.
• hallucinations. You may see, hear, feel, or taste something that isn’t there. You have a higher chance of having hallucinations if you are over 65 years old.
• excessive gambling or sexual urges
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See, if you tell people the side effects, you're gonna have them doing the crazy legs dance just to get this medication. They'd have the effects of LSD and Viagra all in one! Or am I the only one that thinks this way? Also, tasting something that isn't there????? Like what?? Cheesecake??
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Dogs detecting cancer:
Dogs can smell cancer on patients breath before it shows up in lab tests.
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I just don't know what to say about that. If it's true, cool! But! Can you imagine going to your doctor's office and having a dog sniff your breath? What if he licks your mouth? Would they give you a toothbrush and some mints?
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Then I watched Soul Train where Jermaine Jackson sang "Let's get serious". Don't ask me why I didn't change the channel. I guess I was transfixed by the awfulness that was 80's fashion and dance moves.
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Not happy that I had damaged my brain enough for one day, I watched "The Witches of Eastwick". Who made the decision that Jack Nicholson was hot? He has to be one of the grossest leading men I've ever seen! In this movie he was sweaty and dirty which reminded me of a sleazy car salesman from the 70s. Yuck!
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If you ever see it on TV and have a choice of watching it or having someone remove your eyeballs with a razor, choose the razor.


Happy St. Patty's Day! Now go get drunk!