I am usually good at things I set my mind on doing. My self and I have a little pep talk "Self, I know jumping rope is a gravity defying activity especially for you and your, um, well rounded booty but you've done it before. Granted, there was less of you when you were 10 but just remember to land on your feet and not your elbows. NOT THE ELBOWS!" After a few failed attempts and some detangling, I become an expert/professional/master.
This usually works on anything I really want to do. Except whittling. For some reason, everything I whittle winds up looking like a penis. Shut up Freud! If God intended me to whittle, he would have given me 3 extra fingers on each hand instead of good looks.
Anyway, working at Anonymous Clothing Store has been pretty easy. I take direction well and I'm not at all snobbish when told to mop or dust or even clean the freakin toilet. I've gotten pretty good at helping customers find what they they're looking for, rearranging clothes, keeping the displays neat and tidy and even the panty carrousel semi organized. It's all been a breeze and I have even kept my vicious tongue in check so as not to pulverize the lady who told me she was a Walmart girl and proceeded to have a fit when I told her a pair of underwear were not included in the 5 for $19 panty sale without letting me finish that this pretty little thong was only 96 cents. A bargain Walmart would be proud of [bitch!, she whispers].
The one thing I'm still having difficulty doing is getting people to apply for the store credit card.
I hear the rest of the girls, or old veterans as I call them, rattle off the spiel without any effort and then cooing in their victims ear as they take their wallet. While I can rattle off the spiel, I find myself hesitating to deliver the death blow that would have these poor suckers chained to the store forever. Speaking as a sucker myself, of course.
I can relate to people giving me the brush off when I say shit like "If you open the credit card and you use it on a regular basis, each dollar you spend BLAH BLAH BLAH"
I'm used to being on the other side of that spiel after buying my car, Andy's car and dealing with Bally's dickheads who almost forced my friend, who weighed NINETY POUNDS, to join against her will when all she was doing was keeping me company for the day with a guest pass. Those dumb bastards (yep, I really hate Bally) had us tour the gym (I usually went to one in Chicago and this one was one in a suburb) with a hot blond guy thinking we'd swoon and she'd sign her life away. Well they only got it half right.
Pfffft! I don't need a hot muscular guy! I have my Andy!
Then, when we didn't fall for his twinkling blue eyes, they sent a reject from the Oompa Loompa factory who tried to to intimidate me by studying my membership card and saying "accidents can happen, ya know?" well, he didn't say it with words but I can read eyes. He just kept saying my name over and over as if to hypnotize me with with his slimy liver lips. I finally grabbed my card from his sweaty hands and said "if hot guy couldn't get her to join, why do you think you could?" and I told my friend, who seemed to be in a daze, to get up because we were leaving!
So yeah, my whole rambling point is that I know what it feels like to be hounded into doing something you don't want to do and yet I still find myself saying, in a last ditch effort to suck them into temptation, "For today only, whether you get approved or not, we will give you a discount of 25% off your entire purchase if you apply!" but instead of luring them into my pit of overextended credit, these responsible individuals, these paragons of virtue, these goody two shoe nerds who probably pay with cash and do weird things like save money in a bank, tell me to suck it because they ain't falling for my scam!
And so I'm left standing there, sad, lonely and dejected. Like a reject from the Oompa Loompa factory. Minus the liver lips.
Bastards.
P.S.
Thank you all for the comments, emails and the support. You have no idea how much that has helped me. I'm sorry it took me a while to moderate the comments but I keep getting spammed by people trying to get me to enlarge my penis. Again.
Anyway, your comments touched this jaded girl's heart and that's all I'm gonna say about that. ;o)
Jean Knee? Rawwr!
I work in retail and I am so bad at *SELLING* I'm like no it doesn't look THAT bad on you. You should buy it and then I go into the office and lock the door and read blogs.
ReplyDeleteI work in retail and I am so bad at *SELLING* I'm like no it doesn't look THAT bad on you. You should buy it and then I go into the office and lock the door and read blogs.
ReplyDeleteI would be bad at that, too, as I hate it when people offer it to me!
ReplyDeleteAs for Bally's, I know EXACTLY what you are saying. The same hard sell happen to me when I went with my friend over twenty years ago. No, I didn't join!
Every time I get put to work on a register, I'm bombarded with how I'm supposed to collect customer emails and/or push sell our membership plan. I dread it because I assume every person standing there in front of me is a version of me, who always says "No thank you," when I'm hit up for stuff like that. When I do manage to sell a membership, I think I always say "Wow! Are you sure?! Really?!" (and then I shove that application in front of them super fast before they can change their mind because oh, yeah, that kind of thing counts when it comes to review time).
ReplyDeleteWhere do I sign the "I hate Bally" membership contract?
ReplyDeleteWhen I wanted to cancel my membership the idiot on the other line asked why, I said "because I don't go very often", he responded, "Well then maybe you should start going". IDIOT!! Who the *bleep* is he to tell what to do with my time!
Anyway...stay true to yourself, keep up the good work!
Bee, why don't you just give in and get your penis enlarged? How painful could it be?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't feel so bad. Your lack of success at conning your customers into a debt-ridden existence is proof of your high moral standards. And anyway, you're surely not short enough to be an Oompa Loompa.
ReplyDeleteI never say yes when I'm asked to open a credit card. How many people do you have to sign up in a month.
ReplyDeletethose people trying to get you to enlarge your penis are just trying to sell you bigger sticks to whittle on.
ReplyDeletewhat kind of snaks to you sell at that store of yours? i might be interested in a couple of those credit cards....
OMG. I found that working in retail is really tough. I'm glad everything OTHER then getting credit card sales is working out so well for you.
ReplyDeleteI wouldnt be able to make that kind of sale either considering I am anti-credit-cards!