The great jean adventure of 2010.

How far would you go for a great pair of jeans? More importantly, how many people would you drag into your web of obsession?

It all started last Thursday when I *innocently* went to ACS on my day off to try on clothes for our great 41% employee discount event Sunday. The plan was to put aside what I was going to buy and then mosey on out so I could get home to my man making me dinner.

Instead. INSTEAD! I stumbled upon a great denim sale that I needed to take advantage of LIKE RIGHT NOW because it would be over by Sunday so instead of getting $15 jeans at 31% off, I would get $42 jeans at 41% off so the math told me I HAD to get them on Thursday. I tried on this awesome pair but sadly (not really because it's also awesome) they were too BIG. I went to look for a smaller size but it wasn't there. I did what all logical women have done throughout the ages and bought them anyway. Maybe they'll shrink in the wash?

On Friday, I called in sick to the Asylum and somehow convinced my sister to go on a wild jean hunting safari where we would hit a couple of ACS' sister stores but there was one catch. I cannot step foot into another ACS store as an ASC employee because it would mean immediate termination. Don't ask me why because I have already asked and nobody has given me an answer. The plan was for my sister to walk into the store, without the receipt because it would have my name and my discount information, then ask to exchange them for a smaller size. Unfortunately none of the stores we hit had my size which made me weepy and hungry. After a delicious 5 Guys burger, I made the decision to just keep the jeans and maybe invest in a belt.

I wore the jeans on Saturday and they were just too big and sliding off my butt! My manager J decided to call a few different stores to see if they would have my size and she would go and pick them up for me and do a *store trade off* but we had no luck.

I resigned myself to the idea that I would have to take my awesome cheap jeans to a tailor and wind up paying designer prices but you have to do what you have to do for great jeans.

On Monday, I told my sad tale to Margara who took it upon herself to call every store no matter how far and she succeeded! Woohoo, right? Weeeeell...

It turns out the store was about 30 miles away in a very high traffic area and they would only hold the jeans for 24 hours. What to do? What. To. Do? I immediately sent 2 texts. One to my sister, and loyal ally, and one to my Andy. My sister immediately responded with "when do you wantta go?" and my Andy was silent.

Now the next decision would be critical for my happiness. Do I take a gamble that they would hold the jeans until Saturday? Should I risk my sister and I driving to a town we've never been and possibly getting lost and never to be heard from again? Should I try to bribe Andy with ice cream and cheeky bikinis?

I called ACS in Bufu and gave them a sob story about how far I was, how I was desperately trying to find a way to get to my precious jeans and how I had called a bazzilion stores with no luck so they took pity on me and said they'd hold them for me until Thursday. Score! But it was still not Saturday.

I got home on Tuesday, sad and a little broken and told Andy about my oh so close prize. He looked at me lovingly (maybe) and said we'd go Wednesday.

And we did go Wednesday, today, and we had no traffic and we only got lost 3 times and Andy only had to flash his blue eyes to sweet talk the women into exchanging the jeans without a receipt (while I paced in the parking lot because I not only cannot go into the store, but I had to give them a different name for them to hold the jeans and I could not be seen) which he did brilliantly because my man is hot.

And here is my prize.  

The picture does  not do them justice because they look awesome on me! In a smaller size! Woohoo!

I thank all the people that made it possible.  

I have a coupon and I'd like to buy some panties, please!

Who has 2 thumbs and has lost 20 pounds so she needs a belt to keep her pants up in order to avoid accidental mooning?? THIS GIRL!

Yeah, that's right. I've lost the equivalent of 4 five pound bags of sugar. Or 10 two pound bags of sugar. Or 40 half pound bags of sugar. Phew! That's a lot of math!

It's been a slow process because I'm not fadding it this time(doing any fad diets that have you eating only orange colored foods) and I'm just being careful with what I eat and am trying to be more active. 

My self esteem has gone up to a point where I don't cringe when I walk by a mirror and actually bought a full length one for my home.

Some of the things I'm doing to improve the way I view myself is to actually wear things that make me feel good. In this case I'm referring to sleepwear and underwear. For sleepwear, I usually had some fleece pajama bottoms and whatever t-shirt was too scraggly to wear out in public. There is technically nothing wrong with this boudoir attire but they made me feel frumpy and shapeless. It really has nothing to do with who sees me looking frumpy because Mocha and Tazz don't seem to care and the only way Andy would notice is if I was trying to steal his super sonic Orc powers. I just got tired of feeling so. . . blah!

What I didn't realize is that if you go to bed looking like a shapeless sack of rutabagas, you will wake up FEELING like a shapeless sack of rutabagas with heartburn.

Once I made my decision to makeover my sleepwear, I went on a nightgown shopping spree and stocked my closet. Don't get the idea that I went out and bought see-through tata showing negligees because I wouldn't be able to afford a single strap (how can things that have such few fabric be so expensive) and also because bedtime is for sleeping, not hooking ;o) but the ones I bought are pretty and feminine which means I wake up feeling like a woman instead of George Costanza.

The added bonus is that my legs get really hot in the spring/summer so now I am able to kick of the blankets without having to pull up my pant legs. What can I say? I'm weird.

As for the underwear, I decided to nix the granny panties. Sorry men folk, this might be too much info for you but the ladies might want to hear this. Because I *felt* like a whale in people clothes, I didn't see a point to buying frilly or cute underwear. I would walk into a store, locate their full coverage bottoms, pick some neutral colors and pay.

My mom and I were shopping the other day and I mentioned the fact that I was no longer going to wear the BIG panties and she's like "what's the difference? Nobody sees them anyway" and she's right. I am the only one that sees my underwear (oh yeah, and Andy sees them too. When he's swatting them away to take a shower)(and Andy's brother when Andy forgets to put them away after I've washed them and hung them to dry!!) but knowing I'm wearing something other than potato sacks gives me that extra shot of confidence.

The last couple of weeks, I've bought underwear with names like *hipster* *girl short* and *cheeky bikini*. Which brings me to my panty buying adventure.

I had received a coupon via email for a store called Fashion Thug. The coupon was for buy $25 and you get $10 off. I had seen some of their panties online but, not having any knowledge on how their sizes ran, I decided to go into a store and look at them in person before I labeled my ass a size that maybe wishful thinking (too small a size) or Chaz Bono's twin (too big a size). I walked into this store and located the undergarment section. After much hemming and hawing (no way am I trying on underwear)(Especially because I know how many people touch them ICK!) I asked for assistance.

Me: Hey there! I have a couple of questions and also am looking for some advice.

Disenchanted employee: Yeah? What's up?

Me: Well, I'm a size PURPLE in jeans but I'm not sure how that translates to underwear, can you help me?

DE Stares at me for a few seconds so I'm wondering if she heard me.

Me: Uh? Did you understand?

DE: Yes I'm just trying to figure it out. [face gets squinty kinda like mine does when I'm doing hard math] I think you'd be size LILAC then.

Me: Oh, okay. [unfold LILAC sized panties and inspect them] Well, these seem a little on the larger side [in my head I'm thinking I can fit both my legs into one leg hole] do you find that people usually go a size smaller on the *hipster* style?

DE: ::silence silence silence silence silence silence:: I. Don't. Know.

Let's pause there for a moment. As you may be aware, I now work in a clothing store where I get felt up and flashed on a regular basis. I don't appreciate that type of a customer but when one asks me bizarre questions without being all grabby, I will gladly help them out. I know this chick must have been thinking I was a nutcase for not knowing what size underwear I was but in my defense I'VE BEEN WEARING GRANNY PANTIES! In my former granny panty wearing life, I was like "the bigger the better!" now I was looking for help in getting the right fit. Did I ask her to measure my tuckus? No! All I wanted was some guidance!

Me: Okay then.

I picked out 2 hipster in a smaller size, or MAGENTA, and then I picked a couple of *cheeky bikinis* sized LILAC.

Me: I have a coupon for $10 off of $25 and the panties are 4 for twenty, do you have a clearance section where I can buy another $5 worth of stuff?

DE: The panties are $10 each if you don't buy the 4.

Me: I figured which is why I asked for a clearance section. [I look around] Oh there it is!

DE: [her look says she is checking my math] But you can use it if you spend $40.

At this point I'm tempted to just drop everything and run out the door but I HAVE A COUPON DAMMIT!

Me: But I don't *want* to spend 40 I want to spend 25.

DE: [shrugs and shakes her head as if to say 'I tried but you're too stupid' then walks away]

I found a necklace that was on clearance and so I was ready to check out. As she was ringing me up, she reluctantly scanned the coupon and I believe she was waiting for the computer to beep beep beep further confirming my dumbassness but when the transaction went through she said "Oh! It accepted the coupon!" and then I wondered what the requirements were to work there. I'd be their star employee!

This is a picture of a giant pickle.