Wednesday, June 29, 2011

This took place 5 minutes ago but I think it stopped time.

 

Me to Milton: Ick! My purse smells like rotten mango!

 

Milton: What? It smells like what?

 

Me: Rotten mango.

 

Milton (horrified): Why would it smell like that?

 

Me: Because I put it in there a couple days ago and forgot about it.

 

Milton (face ashen white and looking puke-y): Why would you do that?  Why? Unless I'm confused about what 'mangoo' means?

 

Me: … … … I said MANGO not MANGOOMANGO!

 

Milton (looking relieved): Oh! Okay! That makes sense! Rotten MANGO! I was wondering if 'mangoo' was slang for—

 

Me: No! Let's just... let's just … I don't know what to say right now so I'm just going to pretend this conversation never took place.



::lays on floor in fetal position chanting hymns::


::shiver::

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

So yeah. The storm that went through here last night has left the Beehive without working light switches.

Unfortunately for me, the lack of electricity means I have to go with my "Plan B" hairstyle which involves a headband and a hair claw because I do not have the solar powered hair dryer I asked for as a Christmas present. Damn you Santa and your naughty list!

 

I have come to the sad conclusion that this face [pointing at my face] needs all the hair on it it can take without being confused with Yosemite Sam. Mine is the face that needs to be hidden behind a curtain for what we shall call "the mysterious look". Right now I feel naked and people are actually able to see my eye-rolls and my mimicking of their asinine comments with my sarcastic lip movement. ::sigh::

 

I went on the Com Ed website and they are telling me that it could be days before they restore power to all customers and so I immediately thought about the meat we bought on sale so we could, you know, save money. Now I'm gonna have to hold a food drive where I cook all the food on the grill and then charge the neighbors money to eat it. I suppose I could give it away but then they might follow me around the neighborhood like stray animals and maybe even want me to pet them.

 

Glynda said to me this morning "well, at least you're lucky enough to be able to come to work where we have air conditioning!" Yeah. I feel really effing lucky right now! How about you take your positive attitude and go lecture some sharks while wearing a meat suit I'll make for you from my thawed out freezer? Fucking hippies!

 

I am aware things could have been worse and it's not like I gave her my power outage news with a tear and I frown-y face. I said it with a carefree shrug of the shoulders that implied I was a cool cat on top of hill full of catnip.

 

As I was typing this, I found out OZ also was without power but it has now been restored. Hmmm! Maybe I need to move to a rich gated community because those wheels get greased way faster than down here at plebeian-ville.

 

Kidding. I know how hard the restorers of light work. They were probably out all night in dangerous conditions. I heart you Com Ed guys! I'm sure we were just overlooked! If you need my address, facebook me! ;o)

 

Also, what I most regret, is not eating the Edy's Drumstick Ice Cream we bought over the weekend. I remembered last night, as I was getting eaten alive by a family of mosquitoes that decided to picnic on my head, neck and arms (I'm sure Glynda the sugarwitch would say that it's because I'm so sweet. Up yours Glynda!), and then I couldn't sleep because I was honestly debating whether I should get up, grab a spoon and eat it while I sat in my dark living room but I walked away from the light and counted bug bites instead.

 

Glynda just came in and asked me if my shower was working. I said "Yeeees. Why? Do I smell?" and she said no but since my power was out… and I had to think for a minute, because I'm becoming one of them, and then I said, as far as I know, my plumbing isn't powered by electricity. She tossed her pageboy hair and went back on her airship.  

 

Send help.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

I wasn’t put on this Earth to let people walk all over me with their bare feet OR shit covered shoes.

I'm just sayin'.

It's been one of those days and I'm so very tired of having one of those days.

To lighten the mood, here is a Milton story:

Milton: I found a paperclip by your desk. [gives me paperclip]

 

Me: Oh, um okay. Thanks.

 

Milton: You want to make sure you look around your desk before you leave because the cleaning crew will just throw them away.

 

Me: I'll try to remember.

 

Milton: You know, I'll just make a note to check your area before I leave. Just to be sure.

 

Me: ::sigh:: will you get mad if I say I don't care?

 

Milton: But the cleaning crew will throw them away!

 

Me: If I promise never to let a paperclip slip from my fingers, will you leave me alone?

 

Milton [rolls her eyes]: I'll just make sure to check your area before I leave.