Norm!

I was walking to the mailbox located in the building today and I saw Norm standing by the entrance. Having a lot of work to do but not really caring, I went over to say hi and see if there was anything new.

Me: What's shakin bakin?

Norm [looks at me sideways]: Who are you, Chuck Woolery?

Me: Who?

Norm: Never mind. I can smell the weather changing. Pretty soon I'm gonna have a couple of hundred people ragging on me because of the icy parking lot.

Me: jerks.

Norm [shrugs]: You can't please everybody. Some people complain that we drop too much salt and [uses high pitched whiney voice] their pretty shoes are getting ruined. I ask them all if they fell on their heads one too many times and think they're living in Hawaii. This is Chi-freakin-cago for cripes sake! Know that when you walk out the door your ass may be skating through the parking lot.

Me: I bought sensible winter shoes last year to prevent exactly that.

Norm: The plastic surgeon used to give me a lot of guff. I'm interested to see if he says anything this year. If he does I'll say "Dr, you and I can both appreciate being between a rock and a hard place." HAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?

Me: Will you yell at me if I say 'no'?

Norm: Do I have to spell it out for you? A rock? A hard place? I caught him shnooping his assistant? Come on! I've been practicing that for months!

Me: That is way far off, Norm. Maybe say something like "Are you worried your assistant will hurt her knees?" Eh?? That ones free.

Norm: That makes no sense. Hey, what is with that pale woman who works in your office? She plugged the toilet and kept flushing until it overflowed!

Me: Whaaa?? When? Which pale one?

Norm: The one who walks with her butt up in the air [Milton!]. I was coming out of the utility room and she bumped into me and told me the toilet overflowed
and then proceeded to give me a detailed description of what she'd done in there! That woman is a nugget away from the chicken farm!

Me: ::blink blink:: . . .  . . .  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Norm: I asked her why she kept flushing! If the water wasn't going down, it was going to come UP! How many fancy colleges did she go to?? She said she thought that with enough [air quotes] "momentum" it would be fine. I said, "Lady, a plugged toilet doesn't fix itself!" but the worst part was that she wanted to help me fix it then clean it up. She kept trying to take the mop until I told her she was violating building codes. Then she just stood there watching me. I
had to pretend someone called me so that I could walk away.

Me: Yep. She is persistent.

[Suddenly he straightens himself up and starts yelling at an old man.]

"Hey! Make sure you don't drive over the curb this time, okay?"

[Old man ignores him.]

Norm: So I come back a few minutes later and she's still standing there waiting for me! In the same exact spot! I asked her if she was a robot- did you ever see that movie Starman? She's like that alien guy! What does she do in your joint?

Me: That is up for debate.

Norm: I think I'd chew my arm off if I had to deal with her on a daily basis. Then I'd jump into a shark tank.

Me: Yep. That's pretty much how I feel everyday. She's a nice person though and tries really hard but . . .

Norm: Have you resorted to drinking yet?

[stops talking and yells at the same old guy he told not to drive on the curb who was currently driving on the curb]

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU OLD MAN!!"

[old man flips him off]

Norm & Me: Old People!

 

And that's when I realized something. If Norm were 30 years younger, he'd be my best friend.

The flush heard around the world.

You know how some people suffer from shy bladders? Not me! I'm never self conscious when I use a public bathroom. I go in there, do my bizness and then exit stage left as quick as I can. However, on Monday day of the lord October 5th, I had a couple of weird bathroom encounters (not like George Michael's bathroom encounters, okay?) that shook my confidence to its core. I know it's hard to imagine me trembling in a corner while pulling out my eyebrows but there you have it.

Usually, when I use the public ladies-room, it's empty and I don't have to compete with anyone for the primo first stall. On Monday, I walked in and went to push the door so I could go in but there was something odd about the door. I couldn't quite figure out what because my brain stopped functioning at this strange change to my routine.

I stood in front of the door, what must have only been about 3 seconds, but I'm sure to the person inside the stall, with their pants down, it probably seemed an eternity.

When the old wheezing hamster that resides in my brain finally sent the message that it was locked because somebody was inside, I took that extra step and opened the handicapped stall.

I couldn't help but wonder what my neighbor was thinking. Would she walk out and report me to Norm? As I sat with my feet dangling, the handicapped toilet is way higher than the regular one which doesn't make any sense because people who typically use the handicapped stall ARE HANDICAPPED, wouldn't they have a harder time than I, with my semi functioning limbs, to get on that toilet, I wondered why my brain reacted so slowly. Sure, it was Monday and Mondays are famous for their torturing of innocents but I still should have been able to walk into the bathroom and registered the new door development without so much as pause. Meh. I shrugged and decided to not ponder too much so early in the morning. (I know it seems like I must have been in there a long time but I "think" REALLY fast)

Later in the day, I went back into the bathroom and sighed with relief because the first stall was empty. I couldn't have been in there for more than 30 seconds when the main door to the bathroom opened. I peeked through the crack (uhhh the crack on the stall's wall) and my gaze collided with an eyeball!

Damn pervert! But then I decided to let bygones because it may have been an accidental peek (maybe she too couldn't believe someone was in the first stall).

I heard the other stall door open and then I heard a groan. I thought 'what a weirdo!' and then finished up by bidness. When I opened my stall door, there was the eyeball attached to a whole person. Standing right outside my stall! I could have kissed her she was that close!

Guess what I did. I froze again.

It was like the earlier incident all over again! It took me a few seconds to realize she was waiting for me to come out of my stall so she may use it. When I finally went to move, she did too so we did that awkward mambo step (you know the one, right? where you step to the right and the other person steps to the left but you stepped to their left and they stepped to your right thereby canceling out each others step? my head hurts) until I broke free of the rhythm (not unusual since I seemed to have lost my rhythm back in the 90s) (okay 80s)(okay birth) and sidestepped her so that I may wash my hands.

There is nothing more awkward than the "I'm trying to get by" mambo unless it's the "I'm in the bathroom trying to get by" mambo. It's even weirder because neither she nor I wanted to make eye contact so we would look up quickly, mutter something (mine came out like 'sooprry')(sorry-oops) then try again.

Anyway, once I was washing my hands, I questioned how I had left the toilet 'did I make sure all the TP went into the bowl?' (Because let's remember that I always line the seat. I've been doing it since I was 6 and my parents took us to see Bambi at the drive-in and my mom showed me how to line the seat so that I wouldn't get any awful diseases. Like stupidity.) I again shrugged and thought it was no longer my problem.

The rest of the day, I tried holding it (and by 'it', I don't mean 'IT') but when I felt my eyeballs floating, I took my chances and prayed for the best.

I grab the bathroom key from the wall and open the office door.
I peek my head out, look from side to side. CLEAR!
I walk quickly to the bathroom. Insert bathroom key, twist, shove door, hurt arm because, in my frenzy, I didn't twist the key all the way, try again, the door opens.
I scan the place quickly. Empty.
I push the door to the first stall, lock it, [censored], sit down.

I wasn't in there more than 10 seconds when some wild gorilla starts rattling the bathroom door handle! I have to say I'm glad I was already on the pot when it happened because I may have peed myself from shock!
I hurry up, exit the stall, wash my hands and open the door. There is nobody out there! Am I nuts? Don't answer that.

I walk back to the office and no sooner do I open the door when this big, loud lady starts yelling at me!

Big loud lady:
Didn't you hear me knocking at the door???

Bee [while handing over the key]:
Didn't you hear me peeing? Did you want me to stop midstream, hobble out and unlock the door?

BLL:
::gasp::

2 other women in the waiting room chuckle.

And I'm baaack!

If I ever find a new job, I'm taking Norm with me.

Do you guys remember Norm? The Building Manager? That I “” interviewed “” a little bit ago?

Well I was on my way to the ladies room when I noticed he was leaning against the wall near the ladies room door. Being the NOSEY curious person I am and also knowing a bunch of old people comments, I asked “What are ya’? Holding up the wall?” he laughed and waved me over.

Norm:
Some women have complained that they’ve caught a guy standing right outside the bathroom when they leave and he pretends he’s putting something in the mailbox.

Bee:
Uh weird.

Norm:
You haven’t seen him, have you?

Bee:
Nope. I would have smashed his face. Is that why you’re standing there? To see if you see him?

Norm:
Yeah I figured I’d revert to my cop days and have a mini stake out.

Bee:
Norm, it won’t work if he sees you! Maybe you should borrow a tall plant and stand behind that?

Norm:
Don’t be silly! I have the general description and images from the security camera so I’m hoping I’ll recognize him if he walks by. He usually stands by the door for a few minutes then leaves the building.

Bee:
What are you gonna do? Tackle him? Can I help? I have some pent up aggression—

Norm:
Someone’s coming! Go into the bathroom!

I ran over to the door, fumbled with the key and went in. All my urgency to pee was gone. I heard Norm talking to someone but then nothing so I came out to see if he needed any help.

Norm:
False alarm.

Bee:
Well now I can’t go.

Norm:
Why don’t you use the bathroom in your office.

Bee:
LONG STORY! What does the guy do? Can you see him clearly in the security camera?

Norm:
The pervert just stands really close to the door.  I don’t even want to know what he’s doing!

Bee:
I still don’t think he’ll make an appearance if he knows you’re here. Why don’t you stand in the stairway? (the stairway door and the bathroom door are across from each other)

Norm:
Look, I don’t want to get any closer to that door than need be. Next thing you know people are going to be complaining about me!

Bee:
I have to go back to work. [I was really sad and disappointed] Can you tell me if you catch the perp?

Norm:
No. You already know too much. Why are you so interested anyway? [he looks at me suspiciously]

Bee:
I'm thinking of writing a book.

Norm:
[rolls eyes] Skedaddle already!

 

Some people have all the fun! And also, I will now be holding it (by it I mean IT!) until I get home.

 

Side Milton Story:

Milton:
That’s a pretty banana you’re eating.

Bee:
Milton, that sounded obscene.

Milton:
(giggles) Sorry. Where did you buy them?

Bee:
Jewel or Shop-n-save I think.

Milton:
I bought some pears at shop-n-save this weekend and I noticed yesterday they overcharged me for them. The pound was 89¢ and they charged me 99¢. I went over there and it took me an hour to get an adjustment!

Bee:
How many pounds did you buy?

Milton:
One pound. I know a dime isn’t a lot but it’s the principle.

Bee:
Yesterday was Earth day and you drove 20 minutes round trip and argued for an hour for 10¢? You’re killing the planet! 

Sure she fishes toilet paper rolls out of the garbage to recycle them but the ozone can suck it I guess.

The following post is mature in nature. Please read it at your discretion since it may cause involuntary gasps followed by exclamations of “ewww!” and/or body seizures.

Subtitle: Personal information that makes my body cringe and want to burst my eardrums.

The post immediately below was going to be my Friday post. I had it all prepared ahead of time and thought how much I rocked because I would be able to go to bed early and maybe actually sleep tonight. I wouldn't worry about typing up a post because it would already be done, you see.

Then!

Then the Thursday morning meeting happened. How can I not talk about Glynda’s bizarre request? How can I not share the conversation between Milton and I that followed? I have a responsibility to those of you out there who don’t work in offices. After reading this you'll probably get down on your knees and thank the lord you don’t have to be a part of this insane asylum.

And now, I bring you, Two Posts Friday! Woohoo! Yay! You lucky ducks you.

First up, kinky grandmas at the movies:

Andy and I went to the movies on Sunday and saw “I love you man” with yummy Paul Rudd and that dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know the guy I’m talking about, right? Tall guy with shaggy hair who bounced his penis all over the screen in that movie? Yeah, that guy.

Anyway, their movies are usually extremely raunchy and funny so we knew we were in for some good laughs. I did pray I would not have to see full frontal again. Average Joe naked is not good naked. Sorry but it needed to be said.

Imagine mine and Andy’s surprise when we got to our regular seats and saw 2 grandma-like women sitting with a boy of about 14. By grandma-like I mean permed hair held in place by 2 cans of aerosol and tinted blue for elegance, thick glasses etc.

Andy and I nudged each other and pointed at them at the same time but since they were sitting in the row in front of us, we just grinned and imagined the uncomfortable moments they would have because of the explicit dialogue.

However! We were shocked SHOCKED to hear one of the grannies respond “I liked Coke better when they used to put cocaine in it” to the kid when he said he liked Coke.

Andy and I nudged each other again and tried our hardest not to laugh out loud. Go granny! Then she put her leg on the seat in front of her. How can one concentrate when granny is talking about cocaine and being all limber??

The best part was when the tall-shaggy-haired-penis-bouncer actor guy proclaimed to have a (Mom R. look away from this sentence) jerk off station and the kid laughed uproariously and the little granny had to lean in and tell the other granny what the guy on the screen had just said.

“He has a jerk off station. No! A JERK OFF [hand motion] STATION!”

Sweeeeeeeet! That is one cool granny.

Oh yeah. The nachos were excellent, minus Jalapeños though due to the razorblade affliction I now have because I’M OLD, and the movie was very funny. What? It was funny! Don’t come here for your movie reviews! But don’t go away either. Just stay right here, okay?

In other news, after my long lost friend found me, she also directed someone else to me who was like my sister. More on her in another post because she needs to know how much she meant to me and it can't be in the middle of kinky grannies-- and bizarre bathroom behavior.

Anyway, I was determined to reconnect with other friends who were such a big part of my life at one time or another. I found one on THE FACEBOOK who gladly accepted my friend request then I looked for one other one and thought I had found her. I sent her a friend request with a message asking “Is this so and so who used to work at Brown’s Chicken? If not, please disregard and I apologize for the intrusion.” I didn’t get an answer until weeks later but then I got the following:

Subject: wondering who you are?
Is this Bianca?

And I responded in my typical egotistical manner “The one and only!” immediately after I got the email. That was 5 days ago and I still haven’t gotten accepted as her friend or any other response. Did you hear that? That’s my ego shrinking an inch! Realistically, an inch is nothing to worry about when my ego is so big I nickname it "Australia" but what will happen next time I see an old friend walking down the street and I yell out “Hey! It’s me Bee from the nuthouse!” will they run away?

Now I’m wondering if I was that bad of a friend. Andy says I have issues maintaining friendships because it involves me calling people and then meeting them somewhere to socialize, you know, because I'd rather have virtual relationships? But I’m trying to change people! I feel like a born again friendship giver/taker who everybody thinks will fall back to her old ways of screening calls and being too lazy to write. ::sigh:: You know who loves me unconditionally? My cellphone.
And so ended the original post. But now...

The mysterious shedding at Arkham Asylum:

Morning meeting started the same as usual. Chatter about whose kid is too old to be living at home but can’t seem to get their shit together to move out, how cute our dogs are, etc. When Glynda asked if there was any other business and everybody responded no, she went on to say:

Glynda:
I have a request for everybody here and I’m a little embarrassed to bring it up but as the office manager, I have to.
I've gone in to use the bathroom here in the office and noticed pubic hair on the toilet seat on several occasions.

[GASP!]

Since that bathroom is also used by the doctors and I don’t want them to bring it up to me one day because I would die, please do a bathroom check before exiting to make sure you've cleaned up after yourselves.

Office Staff:
[silence]

Glynda:
I know how embarrassed you are right now but imagine how I feel.

Office Staff:
[still silent]

Bee:
I once walked into the public bathroom outside of the office, because I don't use the one in here, and overheard two women talking about how, once menopause hits, they start shedding.

Glynda & Office Staff:
[silently look at me in horror]

Bee:
What? It’s not true?

Glynda & Office Staff:
[Looking down, up anywhere but at me.]

Glynda:
Well, anyway. Please double check the bathroom.

Bee:
What’d I say?

Glynda & Office Staff:
[silently walk away]

Oh sure but my confidential poopy problems were okay to talk about in mixed company!

Yeah, how embarrassing, right? Lucky for me, I really don’t use that bathroom because the doctors are pigs.

Back in our office, Milton and I were giggling like teenagers when she drops this bomb on me.

Milton:
Speaking of odd bathroom behavior. [OH LORD!] I wonder why my urine is darker in my bathroom than it is in the bathroom here. At first I thought it was the lighting but my bathroom has more light than the one here.

Bee:
Ummmm Milton? I’m assuming that your toilet is smaller and isn’t one of those commercial ones we have here and therefore has less water to dilute it?

Milton:
Oh! I hadn’t thought of that!

Bee:
Also, can you never again make me a part of your weird bodily function wonderings? I’d really appreciate that.

eek!

Weekend, you didn't get here soon enough!

When was the last time you shared the adventures of your lack of bowel movements with the world?

Okay, you guys know how shy I am right?? I mean, how I don't like sharing my personal life with the world? ::snicker::

Something odd happened to me yesterday. Well, not odd uh I would say more along the lines of "...the fuck??"

Now, I must warn you, if you are faint of heart and have crazy gag reflexes, this post is not for you.

You see, for the past few days, I have been having stomach issues. Hold on there sparky, don't jump ship just yet because I am not going to go into any gory details.

The past few WEEKS days I’ve been in somewhat of a bluesy mood. You know, singing sad songs about my life and those around me? I’d sing a little bit for you now but I really don’t want you to become obsessed with my voice. Anyway, a couple of things have suffered because of the moody feelings I’ve been having. I haven’t been sleeping as I should, eating as I should DRINKING AS I SHOULD because I can’t seem to turn off the worry button in my brain. I mean, I think “Yay! My mom comes home January 23!!” but then I feel so upset with the fact that she will come home to her house still looking like total shit.

When she left I promised her she’d be come back to brand spanking new digs but then the buttholes at my insurance company took forever, the banks gave us the run around and then we had the reflood the Saturday after Christmas (which was like having a picnic on the back of smelly gorilla).

Andy and I have been working on it but it seems like a never ending undertaking. The majority of the walls are gone and he and his brother removed every door and door jam (I would have helped but I'm deathly afraid of splinters). We’ve been treating the walls and then sealing them with, uh, super duper sealing stuff but this past Saturday it hit me, we are so fucked.

Her kitchen walls and cabinets still have to be removed, the whole tiled bathroom has to be gutted, we have to rent a dumpster and she will be home in 9 days. NINE DAYS! The part that has me so unfuckenbelievably upset is that she’ll be disappointed at the lack of progress. It makes me feel this small.

Added to that, when the flood happened, I told her not to worry, she’d have new things and her home would be better than it was before. I said those things to keep her spirits up and not sinking into a depression but the amount we received won’t cover the replacement of all her things.

I know how that sounds, it’s just material things and at least we’re all healthy, things could have been worse etc. Yes, I know all that but I can’t help the way I feel. We are talking about the one person in the world who would do and has done anything for me and we can't get our shit together.

... sorry...

That was a special little cleanse. Speaking of cleanses, back to the purpose of this post!

Due to all the stress, my body has reacted in a way I never expected and gone down an uncomfortable road... one I’ve never been on before. I haven’t been able to… you know… go poopsie. ::blushes::

At first I blamed Nooter because I thought it too much of a coincidence that this ailment is now making it’s home in my bowels after reading about his issues but I was told it’s not contagious. Especially via the webisphere.

After a week of suffering, I decided to ask Glynda (she’s back to just plain Glynda) who is a nurse so she knows about such things. Little did I know the next few minutes would be like a scene out a demented sitcom.

Bee:

I was wondering if you knew of a natural way that would help with constipation.

Glynda:

Prune juice does wonders and I also heard Activa helps but that takes about 14 days to regulate you so I’d recommend the prune juice.

[in walks semi-retired doctor Mr. Rogers]

Mr. Rogers:

Everything okay?

Glynda:

Oh, Bee was just asking me what would relieve constipation.

Mr. Rogers:

I eat 2 prunes with breakfast myself. Keeps me on track!

[walks out]

Glynda:

If you don’t like prune juice you can always go with prunes, they're more tastey. Maybe you should start having Activa on a daily basis even if it does take 14 days…

[in walks Milton]

Milton:

I have Activa everyday and the first time I had it, it worked immediately for me. Who wants to try it?

Glynda:

Oh, Bee was just saying how she’s constipated.

Milton then goes on with nonsense talk for a few minutes so Glynda leaves and in walks Toto in time to hear:

Milton:

… but prunes definitely work.

Toto:

Who needs to explode?

Milton:

Bee is having issues with her digestive system.

Toto:

I gave my husband prunes after his surgery worked like a charm!

[in walks PD]

Toto: [to PD]

Didn’t your husband have problems with his bowel movements after his surgery?

PD:
Yes, it was because of the Vicodin but I gave him prunes—

Toto:

There you go! Eat some prunes and you’ll be hitting the toilet soon there after!

As you may notice, I only have one sentence in this bizarre play because I was freakin speechless!!!!!!

Every time I went to use the ladies’ room they would ask “Well? Did you do it??”

Does anybody like talking about their lack of pooping adventures?? I don’t think so! Oh wait…

So I called Andy and asked him to stop at the store and buy me some prunes. Why did I ask Andy? Because me and grocery stores do not get along.

Andy couldn’t find the prunes at the first store he went and was too shy to ask. He was successful at the second store. Yay!

When I got home from work, he stood by the counter and showed me the prune prize, uh, not what you’re thinking m’kay? He then asked “How many do you have to eat?”

Bee:

I don’t know. They just went on and on about me eating prunes but they never said how many.

Andy:

Are there instructions on the container?

Bee:

I don’t think there is. How weird would it be if it said, ‘if you are having trouble going poopy, eat 6 prunes and you’ll be unplugged in a flash!’.

Andy:

How many are you going to eat then?

Bee:

Six sounds about right.

Then he stands there while I’m eating them and decides to try one. Then he has another one and then another one… I gave him the hairy eyeball because I don’t need to be fighting for the bathroom! (yes we do have 3 bathrooms but neither he nor I like using the other 2).

I made dinner (if you can call opening a can of soup and then heating it up, making dinner) and sat down to eat. I felt a thunderstorm going on in my tummy so I went to the loo. As soon as I walked out, Andy started with his chant “did you go? did you go? did you go? did you go?” ::sigh::!

To make matters weirder, I got this email.

Soooo does anybody have any suggestions? Go ahead and ask everybody you know and then tell them Bee has pooping issues. Everybody else seems to know about them.

Humor-Blogs

What? An intruder in my house on Christmas Eve? Don’t make me go all holiday ninja on your sorry ass!

So…

As some of you may know, my momma is in Mexico at the moment and will not be returning until I’m 107.

This means that I’m all alone in my big house once Andy leaves for work.

This means that I’m washing my hair with my eyes open when I’m in the shower because I ain’t no Janet Leigh (in more ways than one, she was hawt!) and refuse to let some psycho with a knife make button holes on my body. Just seems like something I would want to avoid at all costs, you know?

Anyway. I usually leave the attack dogs on the loose so they may alert me of any intruders. This works as follows, Mocha barks her head off letting Tazz know that he has a tasty morsel on his turf. Tazz then goes and digs out his bib so he may dig in and savor any ruffians that happen to make the wrong decision by coming into his home. Burglar butt is his absolute favorite!

Christmas Eve, however, Andy had put Tazz in his kennel before he left and I was making banana pudding (not slang for anything, I was ACTUALLY making banana pudding) and then hurrying up to take a shower, I was too busy to let him back out of his kennel. Sooooo my only line of defense was that nutty airhead who would rather be petted than attack anybody.

I’m in the shower, singing my FALALALALAs with the radio blasting, when I hear Mocha go nuts. Odd, but she will also bark at dust bunnies, not that I have any ::wink::, so I’m not too worried until I hear Tazz’s malevolent growling and him throwing himself against his kennel making it rattle furiously.

I turn off the radio and listen intently.

I HEAR FOOTSTEPS!

CURSES!

The one day I kennel Tazz the Carnivorous is the one day intruders decide to steal my cool stuff!

Now I have to hurry up and rinse off so I may get dressed before I go investigate. I really don’t want to die naked, just don’t want that on my tombstone “here lies Bee, died in the shower with her white butt face up”.

Once I dried myself, I decided to put on lotion. The cold is making my skin too dry. Okay, clothes on… I should really brush my hair too. If I survive, I don’t want it to get all weird and frizzy.

Uh… since I’m brushing my hair, I might as well put makeup on. You know, in case I have to talk my way out of being reunited with Elvis, I want to look my best.

Then I notice Tazz isn’t growling anymore. He’s more like muttering. Mocha isn’t barking either but that could be because they distracted her with a cookie. Bitch!

I call out to Mocha BEFORE unlocking the door and NOTHING.

Okay, I have to make my way out there but I should call my sister and have her on the line in case she needs to call nine-one-one. This isn’t the first time she will be my lifeline in case of death. I once went to open The Chicken place and found the back door wide open. I called my sister and told her to listen while I walked around the joint with a machete looking for intruders. True story.

I grab my phone, yes I take it into the bathroom with me TRACY, notice I have a text message, decide to read it (kicking thievery ass can wait 2 minutes) and almost pass out with relief because it reads “I got the box ;) Nancy.”

I know that message means nothing to you guys but to me it means my sister drove to my house at the buttcrackofdawn to pick up a package her MIL had sent from the great big Texas. The package I promised my sister I’d take to work so she may only drive 3 blocks to pick it up. SHE was the noisy intruder.

She obviously didn’t trust me so she decided to make me die of fright instead!

I won’t lie to you, I am a little pissed but ultimately happy that it was her instead of a burglar. Especially because the only things I could have used to defend myself would have been my hairbrush and bleach spray. Bleach spray is way too expensive.

Nancy, your key privileges are REVOKED!!

Oh yeah and Merry Christmas to all!!! I’ll catch you guys next week.

P.S.

If there are any lowlife thieves reading this, I also have nunchucks and a machete so don’t try to come rob this chick.

I just don’t keep them in the bathroom.

Humor-Blogs

Sit, stay- DON'T WIGGLE!

I was thinking the other day, I know SHOCKING, trying to remember details of my potting training. Was it easy? Did I catch on quick? Did they give me a cookie when I made pee-pee in the potty?

I'm sure I was a fast learner and did brilliantly! After all, I'm an expert potty goer now. It's true, ask anyone.

The reason I was wondering is because Scarecrow fell off the pot the other day. She's got a good 20 years on me so it stands to reason that she would know what she's doing by now.

Granted, the toilet lid was wobbly because it only had one screw left (that's what he said!) but it's been like that for at least 3 years.

When she walked back into the office and exclaimed "I fell off the toilet!" and after I was able to breathe and control my laughter, I did ask her what the hell she had been doing to fall off the damn thing, wiggling? I mean, it's not a bucking bronco or one of those electric bulls you see in jean knee's bars so the dismount shouldn't be too difficult.

You already have your feet on the floor, hopefully, imagining gravity is around your butt area at the moment, you should only have to shift your center of gravity forward slightly to stand up. She's a skinny little thing so it's not as if she had to shift hundreds of pounds from one side to the other.

I'm no scientist and I'm sure the mathematician reading this might explain gravity better than I, but I've used those facilities with no unfortunate incidents (other than the usual encounters with the pig ladies who do not clean up after themselves)(hope you weren't eating). Then again, I'm very aware of my center of gravity and try to work with it?… or against it?... with I think… whatever! I do the one that doesn't have me falling off the gotdang pot!

She was a tad upset with me because I couldn't stop laughing but what is a girl to do? A girl with normal feelings and a desire to mock those around her. I think she was just being selfish in trying to curtail my fun.

I know I should be nice to her since she recently had open heart surgery but that was like 2 months ago. I'm sure she's fine now! Besides, it builds character and ultimately helps you heal. She should be thanking me, really.

I know you're jealous that I have all these awesome little happenings in my place of work but sometimes the powers that BE take pity on your poor, stepped upon soul and give you a few good pieces of material that have you salivating and wondering why you can't post live via live web cam.

It's something I've thought about but after hearing my voice when brother Dan and I did a duet to Sweet Child o' Mine, let's just say that tape was stepped on, burned and then fed to piranhas with a fixation for toxic chemicals.

My voice, while awesome to hear live, does not translate well into the airwaves. And Dan's is even worse. He sounds like a bagpipe on speed. He'll deny it though.

P.S.

Yes, I know gravity is everywhere. I did the whole water in a bucket and then swinging it around experiment too, centrifugal force I think it was, if you come here to learn things... SHAME ON YOU!

Humor-Blogs

Real quick because my bedtime is in about 8 minutes---

Just wanted everybody to know I'm prepared for all the snow we've been getting. I know you've been losing sleep with worry. Meet my snow boots:Also, this:

was installed on Saturday so we are no longer doing the Mexi-Style Shower. Yay!!!

I had to tell Andy to raise the temperature because my hand wasn't scalded the way I like when I did the dishes.

I was shocked to know almost everybody in blogland has had a Mexi-Style Shower before. I guess I'm not special after all.

And... John J. Savo? We tried replacing the water heater months ago but they wouldn't take sexual favors as payment. Bastards.

This is a completely made up story. It is not real AT ALL!!

Okay, lets say there's this chick and she works at a doctor's office. Her main duty is to recoup money from slackjaw insurance companies (and other companies who are keeping money from her grubby hands) but every once in a while, she will also help out with translating for patients who do not speak THE ENGLISH. Remember, this is a fictional character so therefore the situation I'm about to relate is also fictional. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? Okay.

So there she is, sitting at her desk looking gorgeous like always (this part would be fact if the character were real), when the nurse comes and says she's needed for translating. She gets up, adjusts her clothes to make sure there is no excessive cleavage on display (also fact), checks a mirror to make sure she doesn't have a coffee mustache and she's ready to go into the exam room.

Dr.:
Hello Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick, this is Pretend Patient. He seems to have hurt his back and shoulder but we're having difficulties understanding how.

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick:
Spanish Speak for How did it happen?

Pretend Patient:
Spanish Speak for I'm embarrassed to say…

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick:
SS for Well, the doc needs to know so he can add that to your office notes and it will help him determine which muscles you might have hurt.

Pretend Patient:
SS for I was ::whispers:: in the bathroom ::/whispers:: and I had to ::whispers:: wipe ::/whispers:: so I turned like this [shows me upper body half turn with left arm twisted in an awkward angle and DOES A WIPING MOTION] and I felt a sharp tug on my back and a pop on my shoulder.

Oh My GOD! NOW I HAVE TO TRANSLATE THIS!! I mean uh, SHE, the fictional character that is.

Bia-uh Fictional Gorgeous Chick translates VERBATIM in English Speak.

Doctor, who is a 14 year old in a fifty-something year old body (who am I kidding, I barely held it together but I did because I AM A PROEFSSIONAL!)(dammit! I mean SHE THE FICTIONAL CHARACTER!), reacts with one of those faces where you are trying hard not to sneeze but it bubbles to the surface and you hear a weird wheezing noise. His face gets all red but his lips and nose are white at the edges from trying not to burst out in laughter. He reaches into his pocket, says he's being paged and will return in a minute, as he's walking rigidly out of the room with his butt cheeks clenched (clear as day).THERE IS NO PAGE. How do I know? Uh, I mean SHE. Because when he is being paged, you can hear a loud BEEP BEEP BEEP from his pager also known as a BEEPer.

So now this beautiful little angel is left alone with this Pretend Patient who is mortified because he would have to be blind not to understand exactly what happened.

What does she say? "I apologize but he has the urge to pass gas at odd times."

Yup. Defused that bomb. So to speak.

Turns out the patient is right handed but he had an injury on his right hand so he had to go left.
My sides hurt from laughing so hard. I mean HER- SHE-- Allegedly!

::SIGH::

Humor-Blogs

Listen, I've said before how I do not want to be known as a GOOD housewife but...

I made split pea soup for the first time in my life and it came out de- wait for it -licious!

Okay, it does look like baby poop fresh from the source but it was mighty tasty! In all the years of me hosting Thanksgiving and making a ham along with the turkey, I had never thought to do anything with the ham bone except whack Andy over the head with it but when I saw the recipe and noticed I had all but one ingredient (the split peas which are essential for split pea soup, so I hear), well that was just too easy to pass up. Plus I didn't know what I was going to make for dinner.

Winter has officially hit the best city in the world so this is just what we needed on a cold and slushy evening.

Unfortunately!! Little did I know it would make about 5 gallons of soup! Me? I can eat about 2 or 3 bowlfuls in the next week or so and Andy will eat what I give him (or else!) but there is no way we can eat all that soup.

No. Way.

I mean, I get enough searches to my blog looking for answers to their green poop dilemmas and here I'll have some of my own.

The next thought I had was to freeze it and give it away to those I want to punish love "Merry Christmas Family! Pea Soup Just For You!" with tiny hearts on the card to show how much I care but Andy said the plan might backfire (pun?). He said we might walk out of Christmas wearing pea soup and that would be worse than eating it everyday.

I do have some casserole dishes to return to my mother-in law and to my sister so they will definitely get a visit from the Pea Soup Fairy!

Anyway, this marks the last day of NaBloPoMONoDoFoSho (posting every day in November)! I only missed 2 days woohoo!

Talk to you guys later and let me know if you'd like me to send you a special green package.

Humor-Blogs

P.S.

You're lucky I am writing this and not relating this to you in person because, for some reason, I keep calling it SPIT PEA SOUP and really, who wants to hear that?? Or be spit on by me? Except for Andy but that's another story.

P.P.S.

I did not go by the traditional recipe for Split Pea Soup because I have taste buds and like my food to have more spices than the bland ones I found online. If you have one you swear by, let me know.

R. Kelly was trapped in the closet, I was trapped in the bathroom but I still might make a song out of it.

OH! I forgot to mention I was trapped in my bathroom on Saturday!

I went to take a shower while Andy went to the grocery store. I was happily singing Right Said Fred's "I'm too sexy", I'm sure everybody sings that while coming out of the shower, and when I went to open the door… STUCK!!

I thought I had heard Andy come home so I started wailing knocking on the door and yelling "Andy help!" but nothing. I called his cell and found out he was barely on his way home.

For some reason, he found me being at the brink of death, funny.

I wouldn't say I'm claustrophobic but something about not being able to exit a small space was making me nutty! I yanked at the doorknob but managed to hurt my rusty old shoulder instead of managing to open the door.

Luckily, my mom called to ask me something about cherries and I was able to let her know I needed assistance ASAP!

She came downstairs calling my name because apparently, my incoherent mumbling, wasn't clear as to what it was I needed help with. I had to make myself be heard over the damn barking dogs. My voice was now hoarse and desperate but she was able to save my life in between bouts of laughter.

I thought all moms were supposed to love their children?

Where's my love mom??

Has that ever happened to any of you?


Don't forget to vote for my hairdo, it ends tonight at 11:59pm. Also, I will be choosing the winner of the Pay It Froward thingie on Saturday night to be posted Sunday.

Humor-Blogs

Awwww, you guys look after my butt as if it was a precious little kitten!

So…

While I was sitting at work, trying to find the answer to “why the fuck do I get to be the one who works with all these morons??” and at the same time harass Brian (that is a full work day), I was laughing at the comments you guys and gals left regarding the toilet situation.

There were some that suggested jet packs, some that suggested my boss might have rubbed his ass on my chopping board, some who couldn’t remember the penis, others who wanted to invent the Cone, some who had the anti-cootie vaccine, a few that peed in the sink or suggested I pee in the sink (note to you guys, I’m short, I can barely reach the sink to wash my hands), others who used disinfectant wiped and then lined (I’d have a river at my feet if I did all that which would be okay but I really REALLY like all my shoes), some who seem to be obsessed with their hineys, others grossed me out even MORE, others are shawtys like me, some of you felt my pain, others bragged about their penis(es, peni?), one of you suggested toilet seat covers which I do have but they're expensiv-o, Suzy calls the pigs out (my kinda girl) but the majority of you were hoverers.
Larissa, Jenboglass, Leigh, Maureen, Sarah, Meg (or squatter in her case), Kirsten, Lainey-Paney, Deb, Tracy, NCS and FADKOG who can compete in the Olympics!

Holy crap! I can’t hover without toppling!

I usually am wearing something like this:

My ankles would probably buckle underneath me and my ass would be in the pit of cooties! In. THE. PIT!

Anyway, as always, you guys crack me up!

And Larissa? Been there done that in skeevy bars/clubs. We used to go to this place called Bedrock (no longer open), you'd figure with a cheery Flintstones town name it would be cool right? Nope! It had THE most disgusting bathrooms WITH NO DOORS!
Unfortunately, with the amount of beverages I used to consume... let's just say I used to forget all the cooties and hug it like it was my long lost sister. ::shiver!::

But! The drinks were cheap-cheap-cheap!

Ah! My life before marriage!
Humor-Blogs

Humor Bloggers dot com

A very serious post about touching your bare ass to a stranger's.

Winter has descended upon the magical land of Chicago. Okay, it's not freezing yet but the evenings are now 45 degrees. For some reason, during cold weather, my trips to the bathroom are more frequent. Probably because I still drink a lot of water and wear my sassy open toe shoes.

Anyway, I held it too long today (no, I didn't pee on myself!) and commented how I hoped I could line the seat with TP before I had an accident.

I then entered that strange place that makes you forget everything... EVEN THE NEED TO PEE!

The ladies (women I work with) looked at me like I had lost my mind and asked me WHY I would line the seat...

Because I don't want anybody else's cooties?

Is everybody else okay with sharing dead skin cells from someone else's butt?

If you enter the bathroom right after your boss, and he's seen walking out with a magazine under his arm, it would be like touching your bare butt to your boss’ bare ass. Is that okay with you?

How about bumping bare buttocks with some random stranger who only showers on the 29th of February?

What if someone peed all over the seat and then cleaned it, do you think the germys disinfected themselves?

Why? Why wouldn't you take an extra few seconds to treat your butt with the pampering it needs?

I am seriously disturbed people! (I am not saying I'm a disturbed individual, I'm saying the toilet thing disturbs me.)

Humor-Blogs

Humor Bloggers dot com

P.S.
I realize that I just might have given you too much information about my peeing habits. No need to send me an email to complain about mental pictures.
If you still want to...
seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com

Crusty crunchy white stuff... my nickname in high school?

You know how when you first start dating someone, everything they do is cute?

"Oh look, she burps after every bite of food she takes! awwww!"

"Hee hee! He just readjusted his package and made THE MOST adorable face!"
Look how happy... RUN RUN RUN!!
Later it becomes:

"DO YOU HAVE TO BURP ALL THE TIME?? I could smell you had sausage!"

"DO YOU WANT SOME PRIVACY WHILE TOUCHING YOURSELF??"

You know, because your relationship evolves and that mushy pink haze floats away and leaves behind the smell of burnt tires? (the smell of disillusionment!)

This morning, after I had brushed my TEETH (still intact thank you very much!) I went to dry my hands on the very chic hand towel, when I noticed some dried white stuff. (GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER!)(You know you went there.)

Since I am a curious person by nature, I looked a little closer and identified the powdery white substance as being dried toothpaste.

Now, the hand towel is HERE and the tube of tooth paste is HERE... -This is not the actual towel in question. That was replaced faster than you can say yucko-guacko-whatthefucko. I did add the white to it as a reenactment so you could see how gross it was and maybe relive my trauma with me. Also, I removed the name of the toothpaste cuz they don't pay me to advertise. And! If there is an electrician out there reading this, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell me the outlet is not up to code. I KNOW THIS since I happen to be married to a man that *dabbles* in the art of electricity who complains about it ALL THE TIME! And yet, it's still there. Did I tell the chick up there to RUN??-

...so I naturally ruled the tube out of being guilty and went on to my next suspect.

Bee:
Andy, did you dry your gunky toothpasty mouth on the freakin' hand towel??

---

Bee again:

Andy, did you dry. Your gunky toothpasty mouth. ON THE FREAKIN' HAND TOWEL??

(I had to repeat my question because, as usual, he was in his own land of make believe where you have to be a troll for him to hear you. That in itself is becoming a problem because I'm beginning to repeat questions in other settings too! I used to be sane but the people around me are making me crazy.)

Andy:

Yup!

--BEE BLOWS UP--

%^#$#*@ &^^#^ *!#$%^&*@ (Edited for television)

Andy:

What? I've been doing it ever since I was a little kid! What do you want me to do?

Bee:
For starters, try to keep the toothpaste inside your mouth? If you do slobber it all over your face, maybe rinse it and not transfer it onto a TOWEL I USE TO DRY MY HANDS!!

Andy [::shrugs::]:
I can't make any promises.

.

Then he went back to make-believe land.

I know what your going to say. "Oh Bee! You are so lucky to still be discovering things about each other after all these years!"

Ummm yeaaaah. I wish I would discover he had a great-great-great uncle who left him millions. Then he could smear toothpaste on my hair until it was crusty and crunchy and I'd be all smiles.

P.S.
He came over before I hit *post* and asked, "Hey, you know that toothpaste thing? Can you not blog about it? It might seem gross to some people."
I responded with a kiss and a pat on the back "I can't make any promises!"

Humor-Blogs

THIS MESSAGE TO MY MOTHER IN LAW:
Mom R., I'm just kiddin'! You know I love your son more than pistachio ice cream! ;o) But, if you ever want him to stay at your house for a month or so, gimme a jingle.

Inappropriate Card Day makes you feel warm and fuzzy like the bearded fat lady on a summer day.

-Day 57.

Today is Inappropriate Card Day.

It's a National Blog Holiday instituted by Diesel at MPAC, here is the history.
I am obligated to participate otherwise I'll get a ticket and that would be very inappropriate.
Of course, I would participate anyway even without the threat of a Vijillion dollar fine because I am a team player… MOST of the time.

I decided to make my own because there are too many of you and my accountant has put a block on my allowance ever since I called him an "oogly monster". He didn't think that was very appropriate but he still has to prove I said it in a court of law.

Anyway, here it is and it's for you, You, YOU and even EWE!
****************************Photo courtesy of Scarlet. Model: Scarecrow.

A day late recap.
This weekend was awesomeness on a waffle cone sundae!
It felt like summertime here in Chi-townland! It was about 40 degrees, the sun was shining, snow was melting, and people were walking around in shorts (short trousers Brian).

Do you want to know how Andy and I celebrated the sun on Saturday? We went to a dark movie theater and saw “Definitely Maybe”. Take that sunshine!

Anyway, while there, we saw a poster for Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of Crystal Skull.

To quote Andy "Pfft! The sequels always suck after so much time has elapsed!"

As soon as we heard the ♫♪Ta Ta Ta Taaaa ta ta ta♫♪ (sorry I’m a little off key today) we were lost! If you were thinking of inviting me to brunch on May 22nd, I'm sorry but I have plans to see Harrison Ford jump from a jeep or into a jeep or away from a jeep.
.
Unlike the previews they showed at the last movie we saw (Cloverfield), these previews were better. I'm looking forward to more darkness once they’re released in spring/summer. My brother Dan will be happy to know Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants made a sequel. Yeah, he likes all the chick flicks and plus he works in fashion.
.
Before we left the movie theater, I went to use the ladies room so as not to have an unfortunate accident while waiting to pick up our Chinese food. (Why is that I can hold it in for hours at work but when in the free world I have to go every 2 hours or so?)
As I was walking into the ladies room, a couple of older women did a double take. Being the non confrontational person I am, I was about to say something snarky when I looked at a mirror and said “Ohhhh…” This was my first foray out in public and people were reacting to my new look.
I guess my hair is kinda scary when paired with a snarl.
Hmmm, I'm thinking I’ll have to tone my FIERCE* look down a tad when amongst the mortals.
.
Little side note. Because I have a power of suggestion type of mind, as soon as I said I used the ladies, I had to stop and go use the ladies.
When I opened the door, I almost stepped into an open bag of cosmetics. This wasn’t one of those little ones you carry in your purse. This sucker was bigger than a duffel bag!
In front of the mirror stood a woman of about 50 doing her hair and make up. She had every surface covered with cosmetics, hair spray, curling irons (2), hair dryer, flat iron and lord knows what else!
This is my advice, if you need that much help to be presentable, wake up 2 hours earlier in the morning and do it at home or do us all a favor and just hide under the bed until modern science invents pretty pills.

*Thanks Tracy! Now I'm saying fierce all the time!

Now back to our regularly scheduled snowfilled Tuesday!
.
Please click on humor-blogs for me.

Rockin' Older Lady + You Hear It Here First-New Diet Trend

So...
On Friday I went into the woman's bathroom and had to wipe the toilet seat AGAIN then layer it with TP. I was washing my hands when an older lady walked in, I told her to be careful and line the seat since it had been filthy. Her response was PRICELESS!!

Older Lady I Wish I Could Replace One Of The Bats With:
"Honey, I'm 85 years old and I no longer care what my ass touches!"

After I laughed for about 20 minutes she followed it with:
"Nobody's been interested in my ass since 1985!"

Tears were rolling down my face.
Oh so cute... My wish is to be just like her when I grow up!
********************************************************

Laughing My Way To The Bank!

I'm starting a new diet trend and I'm hoping to make millions of dollars.

Step right up and let me tell you all about it!

I read on Reader's Digest that laughing for 10-15 minutes you can burn about 10 to 40 calories a day which equals a 4lb weight loss over a year.

Now, hold on while I take out my calculator.

Okay... if you laugh for an hour it's about 16lbs, you with me?
If you laugh for 2 hours it's 32lbs.
If you laugh for 4 hours it's 64lbs! (I checked my math and I think that looks right.)(But I'm no genius so if I'm off then I'm off.)(Yes, I know I'm being overly optimistic but that's the way I gotta be to sell my diet!)


Anyway, here's my plan.
I'm gonna open a place were you can go and laugh for an hour.
No, not a comedy club just a room somewhere where you're forced to laugh for an hour (maybe with some laughing gas... maybe, we'll see how much the liability insurance is) then I'm going to sell special iTune files where you laugh an hour in the morning an hour at work and an hour at night!

I'll be rich, skinny and hot cuz I'll buy me some liposuction and plastic surgery while the chumps are laughing like insane hyenas.


Because you are my friends, for a limited time, this is a one time offer... you can be the first to join and be the envy of your friends!
BUT WAIT!!!!
If you enroll now, you'll also get a special autographed picture of me walking with your money to the bank... and smiling.
.
P.S.
I know the risk of addiction.
I figure I can open a rehab place for people that become addicted to laughing and become skeletal. Their treatment will be top secret.

Why they're called the "Golden Years"

So...

When was the last time I talked about the public bathroom that's in the office building? I can't remember since it's been a while.

The story I'm about to tell you I didn't witness personally but it was told to me by a very trustworthy person. If you can call a person who wears his shirt open to his navel showing off his hairy chest. He, of course, has no business walking around like that! Not just because of the weather. He's in his late 50s ample bodied and kinda creepy looking. Harmless but creepy looking. He's the building manager. TA TAH TAH TA! (for some reason I heard trumpets in my head)

Any-who!!! I bumped into him in the hall after having exited the ladies, I stopped to ask him about his car since someone had broken into it last Friday. Then I let him know the latch to the regular stall was broken and that's when he told me the story.

Sit down kiddies so that I may relay what Norm (oh, that's what we'll call him) told me.

Norm:

Yes, I know. A couple of old ladies got stuck in there so I had to break 'em out.

[I pulled up a mental chair and sat down.]

Bee:

Whahuh?

Norm:

I got a call on my walkie telling me 2 ladies were stuck in a stall. When I got there I found a very old lady in the stall and a younger but not by much lady stuck under the stall door!

Bee:

... ...

Norm:

It turns out the older lady couldn't figure out how to unlock the door so her friend tried going under the door to unlatch it for her. So I had to break the latch to set them free. I felt bad for them since that bathroom is always filthy! [yeah, how about getting someone to clean it more often!]

The worst part is I got the call while the police were here filling out the report for the break in so I had to go check the problem right away. One of the cops started laughing and asked if I needed the jaws [of life I'm assuming]! What an A-Hole! [yeah, he said "A-Hole" trying to be courteous of my delicate sensibilities, a gent to the last chest hair!].

Bee:

No freakin way!!! How come I missed that? I'm so jealous!! How did the other one get stuck? Why would she even try to shimmy thru? Will you call me next time something like that happens so that I can take a picture?

Norm:

Well, her [cleared his throat] uh, butt got stuck. No! I'm not calling you why would you want a picture anyway?

.

Why indeed barechested Norm, why indeed.

.

I'm telling you that bathroom is a goldmine!!!