Nut crackers!

Andy and I went to Costco on Sunday to restock our toilet paper stash and grab another 20 pound bag of Chihuahua cheese when we walked by this display.

That right there is a Nutcracker display. Wait, I need to repeat that. THAT RIGHT THERE IS A NUTCRACKER DISPLAY! As in the toy soldiers that guard the Christmas tree from rabid squirrels during the Christmas season. The Christmas season that is usually in December!

Sunday was August 22! Who needs to start stocking up on Nutcrackers while the sun is still burning the grass and drying the rivers?

...

I should go back and buy 2.

And now, just for you jean knee, some Milton!

So, as some of you may know, Milton is Arkham Asylum's *female* accountant (I'm pointing out that she's female because I gave her a male name and people always call her *he* or *him* and she's not either). As a person, I like her very much and she's been to my house and we've done yard sales and also skipped hand in hand through a field of daisies. Sometimes, however, she has me questioning God's plan.

Anyway, tomorrow (or if you're reading this on Friday it's today and if you're reading this 6 months from now it was 8/20 and if you're reading this in the future, pick me out the winning lottery numbers) is her birthday so as is tradition here in the Asylum, she had to bring her cake in on Thursday (because everything is celebrated on Thursday due to the fact that OZ is in surgery and therefore does not make an appearance).

We prepared the cake by lighting the candles and then waited for her to walk into the kitchen so we could *surprise* her with the cake she brought in. When we saw her shadow rounding the corner, we yelled out "surprise" and sang Happy Birthday (I did a little dance for her too. Luckily there is no video evidence of this tomfoolery!) and then we waited patiently while she cut the cake.

Well, "waited patiently" may be exaggerating a bit because the cutting of the cake took a FREAKIN life of its own!

Please, come in and observe.

Milton [as she sticks knife in cake]: Oh dear! I went slightly off center.

Me, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, Toto (and the new addition to the team, uh, we'll call her Lucy and I'll tell you about her another time)(hopefully): ::unbelieving stare::

Milton: I think I will cut it in 4 pieces first and then divide it from there. [stands back to take a better look, in the meantime, the knife is at a 789 degree angle, in the cake]

Me: I don't care if my piece is lopsided. I'll just eat it with my head tilted at an angle so that will even it out.

Milton [squinting, looking for imaginary lines]: No, I'll slide the knife a little to the right and it should be fine. [slides knife and stands back again to inspect the results][I AM NOT EVEN MAKING THIS SHIT UP!]

Me [I put my hand on the knife's handle]: Uhm, how about I just cut the cake so we can get on with the eating?? I NEED SUGAR! [okay, I probably didn't need it because I was already all buzzed up on the 'feine ]

Milton [slaps my hand away]: Hey! At least I'm not doing what I do at home!

Me: I'm afraid to ask . . .

Milton [looks at me and adjusts her glasses]: I use a tape measure, of course!

Me, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, Toto and Lucy: ::unbelieving stare, mouth wide open::

Milton [looks at us with a serious smile]: Who wants the first symmetrical piece?

Bee takes you back in time again but this time, she asks that you keep your clothes on!

So, since I obviously missed posting about some uber important happenings in my life, which I'm sure you guys are bummed out about [winky face], I will have a new series called "Bee Muses Flashback Edition" and when you see that, I want you to picture that weird wave they do on a TV sitcom when the characters scrunch up their face to simulate deep thought or a memory sequence and then they make the screen go all wavy and they play that harp music. Got it? Good!

So here is the first installment:

*Dorooroodorooroodorooroo (Wayne's World! Picture Wayne's World!)*

At the beginning of time, the powers that be at Arkham Asylum instituted Treat Day and designated Thursday as the day to fill the tiny kitchenette with saturated fat. Mmmmm!

For over 20 years women would complain about what some people brought and practically dry hump others that brought their favorite homemade goodies (I'm glad I was always in the other category!) For over 20 years, every Thursday, one unlucky woman would be in charge of making all the other dissatisfied women happy by bringing in cupcakes, cheese, crackers, spreads, chips, peanuts, cakes, dips and wretched, awful fruits and veggies (that was me and let me tell you that I would get hell for daring to eat healthy!). Religiously, every Thursday, after morning meeting, there would be a shuffle to the kitchenette and ladies would announce their verdict on how the poor lost soul fared on her day. Every Thursday, that is, until a certain shawty decided she had had enough. It was time to break this unhealthy tradition of woman bashing and unhealthy fat consumption. That woman, ladies and gents (I had originally typed *ladies IN gents* because that is where my mind is dontcha know?), was yours truly!

[hold for applause]

I gathered my strength because I knew this battle would be another one for the Arkham Archives and brought up the subject at morning meeting.

"Ladies, on this great day in April, I propose we no longer have a weekly treat day.

--loud murmur interruption-

Let me finish. I ask that we only have treat day once a month as supposed to on a weekly basis.

--gasps!-

Hear me out. Now that PD has retired, Milton has become obsessed with the amount of times she has to be Treat Marm per year.

--Milton: Well, I. Well. Yes. I. Too many times. Ratio versus calculus and variable.

I personally am sick and tired of hearing about it. What say you, kind and beautiful womenfolk?"

SILENCE

[I clear my throat] "Okay, if not once a month how about not at all?"

--Mutterings were heard: "Heathen! Selfish! Nice hair!"

[I gather my whacking stick] "Erm, so, yay or nay?"

 
Glynda: I leave it for the majority to rule.

Out, in the far far distance, I see one hand slowly rise. Milton! I knew you'd come through for me buddy! Then a second hand pops up. CL! I knew you'd jump on my wagon because I control your pee breaks! Then, one last hand makes its way up (well, it's really 2 hands but I count SC and Toto as one because they lovingly share one brain) (what? I'm not mean! I said *lovingly!) and I breathe a sigh of relief and lower my whacking stick.

So, after 20-something years, one woman has done what no one else has had the chocolate balls to do. I have successfully eliminated weekly treat day!! Woohoo!

::confetti!!::

Yep. I have proved that if I set my mind on it, I can accomplish anything! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to turn my electric bill into money and Tazz into a maid.