As you know, (I really don’t know who I’m referring to when I say “you” but that is how I’m starting this sentence), I am no Roger Ebert (well, except in the being short and having a big personality comparison) but I do love to watch movies and I do like to talk a lot of smack about them if they disappoint me in any way.
I was really looking forward to this movie and Andy did warn me that the previews showed very little of the “Snow White” character which could not be a good sign. But! It was Sunday morning and I was feeling adventurous so we went to the discounted movie matinee.
It started good. The little Snow White at the beginning of the movie did an excellent job. The Evil Queen, who I cheered for throughout the movie, was everything I hoped she would be. The Huntsman was H-O-T with a capital YAWOZA! And even the dude with the Moe hair did great.
Now we come to Kristen Stewart. Did you notice how I didn’t say “Snow White”? That’s because she wasn’t Snow White, she was Kristen Stewart. I get why they cast her. She’s beautiful and fits the description of “skin as white as snow” but they should have stipulated that she would need to take acting lessons if she wanted the role. There’s no shame in that. If I felt my awesomeness was fading, I’d definitely try to do something about it. Eat a couple of hummingbirds or absorb a unicorn, whatever it took.
Her “acting” was as apathetic as I thought it would be. She went from being in a dark forest full of icky things (hallucinations or not, still icky) to a forest full of wonders with the same expression on her face. Vacant. When she received her “true loves kiss”, I was hoping she would give him a loving glance but instead I wondered if she had to make a run for the potty and she was trying to figure out the quickest way to it.
I noticed she didn’t have too many lines so that was a blessing, I guess. My advice to the filmmakers is that they should have filmed the scenes with the young Snow White and then waited for her to grow up to film the rest of the movie.
Also, there were a couple of scenes where the dwarves get close ups while they sing some melancholy song and I have to wonder if this was a good idea. I mean, I sat there staring at a giant shot of a man with screen makeup that made his teeth all brown and gross while he sang a sad song and all I wanted to do was giggle.
If you want to see this movie, go to the early showing and pay the discounted rate or wait for it to come out on DVD or watch the trailer and pretend you watched the whole thing because we all know how the story ends.
And they lived expressionlessly ever after.