The nuthouse is run by an almond.

I came in to work early today (I know SHOCKING) and found Glynda staring up at the ceiling near one of the exam rooms. I didn’t think anything of it and chalked it up to spider-web searching but then she came into the business office and stared up at the corner near the copy machine. So I jokingly asked “are we being attacked by spiders?” and she responded.

Glynda:
No. I’m just trying to see if I can find any wires or little holes in the ceiling.

Bee:
Oh? What kind of wires?

Glynda:
I think OZ has this place bugged but I can’t figure out where he would have placed the microphones.

Bee:
Uhm… You don’t really think he’d go that far, do you? [in the meantime I’m making sure the phones work in case I have to call for those dudes with the straight jackets]

Glynda:
I wouldn’t put it past him. This is why you should never say anything bad about him because he’ll know.

Bee:
Using that logic, shouldn’t he be storming the building right now? You know, because the jig is up?

Glynda [looking genuinely panicked]:
You’re right! [looks around then sighs] I don’t think he’ll say anything though because then he’ll be confirming what I suspected and have to remove the bugs.

Bee:
Yeaaaaaah. What brought this on?

Glynda:
You know that account you gave me yesterday? He asked me about it before I even brought it up. That means he must be listening in!

Bee:
Well, it could be a coincidence—

Glynda:
No. I know he’s listening in!

Bee [I nod my agreement because I don't want her to dismember my body and bury it next to the tulips out front]:
Hmmm maybe we should start looking for nanny cams too…

Glynda:
You think so?

Off she went on a nanny cam hunt.

Last year, she was 100% sure OZ had changed the paint color of his car and was hanging out in the parking lot. He was on vacation. IN EUROPE.

And that lady’s and gents is the office manager at Arkham Asylum.

So, this pig virus…

Have I mentioned that I work in an office with 100% Caucasians? By that I mean they are all of Anglo descent with no spicy additives. ;op

Anyway, now that we are in near epidemic mode, they (the bats) feel I have all the answers to the causes and cures to the swine flu because it originated in México. Believe it or not, I don’t. I am as much in the know as the rest of the population… only better looking.

I’m not one to jump on the bandwagon of headline stories but this one is hitting close to home. I'm worried about all my family in México. Especially my grandparents. My grandfather has always been more like a father to me and I know that he will eventually be taken from this world but I am not ready to even think about that.

My papi and I.

I think it’s interesting how people take this type of news.

Conspiracy Theorist:
My brother Rick is arguing it’s not real and that there is something fishy going on but I blame that on the fact that he was whacked on the head.

Religionistssss:
While having dinner yesterday, my mom was saying how the Bible predicts plagues and natural disasters etc. She said the signs were all around us.

I had to finally say that, for centuries, there have been other diseases that killed off large portions of the population. Most recently was SARS and the bird flu. Before that there was the Ebola virus scare in the 90s and let’s never forget cancer. All I’m trying to say is we should take precautions but not continue with the doomsday predictions. Specifically during dinner when I’m trying to eat my tacos.

I will never understand people’s need to know what their future will hold. I’ve been living by the seat of my pants for years and have just prayed for the best. It’s usually worked out okay for me. Granted, I wish I would have known how much of a clunker my first car would be but I don’t know if I would have listened to Nostradamus’ or the Mayans’ prediction of it leaving me stranded in the middle of a left turn and blocking traffic.

I’m not saying they might not be right or to disregard the Bible but why would anybody live their lives with a dark cloud hanging over their heads? I can control my own destiny by being a decent human being, taking care of the people I love, working, eating lots of chocolate, not committing any crimes, etc. If a time comes when I know that it’s the end of the road for me, I hope to be able to take it in stride and accept things I cannot change (I probably won't take it well and cry like a pansy but don't tell anybody!).

I personally think the swine thing might be more serious and they are keeping the gory details so that pandemonium doesn’t erupt. Does that make me a realist or a pessimist? I don't know but for now, I am going to get up every morning, late as usual, run around the house chanting my remembrance song, swear at the dogs, jump into my mini tank, drive my ass to the asylum and grit my teeth until 5 o’clock. Such is the price to pay for paradise.

Also, if I sneeze, I don’t want everybody in the office walking around with scuba gear just because I have family in México. It’s a little insulting and if they keep giving me shit, I'm going to start wearing gas masks to stave off The Ladies of Perpetual Flatulence (the bats).

Take care of yourselves and don't eat too many bananas.

Rain more rain and some more rain and then some more rain and then a jackass.

Okay, I need you all to do me a solid and tie up Mother Nature. I have been dying to start my gardening but the April TORRENTIAL RAIN Showers keep screwing with my head. I can't afford to lose any more of my mind. I'm running on empty as it is.

Picture this.

Friday, I get home from work, after having a fight with OZ, and I was ready for some therapeutic gardening. Instead I had to walk with Andy to pick up his car (which they didn't fix 100% and said "oh, you have to LIFT the door and slam it a couple times until it closes" uhm noooo! how about you fix it right and earn the 3 grand you're charging, assholes?) and by the time we got home it started raining and didn't stop.

Saturday, I was waiting and waiting for OFF! bug body spray to combat the damn chiggers (I know it may not stop the damn chiggers but I was going to put it on anyway) but when it finally arrived, courtesy of my sister, it was pouring.

Sunday, I went outside and danced around the patio admiring the sun, singing some random show tune when a mysterious tiny cloud multiplied and began to emit drops of liquid. But I didn't cry.

Monday, we had dinner and then went to the home improvement store and were cheerfully loading up Andy's work truck with edger brick thingies, stepping stones and drywall thinking we would be able to unload the truck before the rain came. Wrong! There is nothing like slipping and sliding through mud while carrying 40lbs of brick in each hand. My goal was to not go SPLAT!

On a positive note, chiggers don't swim so I'm hoping the rain has diminished the hive/herd/flock/swarm/potato chip.

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I left work early today so I could take Andy's car back to those crazy misfits who "" fixed "" his car since they said it would only take 15 minutes to adjust the back door. I sat in the waiting room, waiting, and when the dude called me to give me the car, he said to me:

Crazy Misfit:

When you go to close the door, you have to slam it shut so it'll close. It's a heavy door. You have to slam it shut. Because it's heavy-

Bee:

Just to be clear, I need to slam it shut? Wait. Stand back because I'm gonna try it. (I open the door and then close it normal-like). Like that you mean? Did I do it right?

I think I passed the test because he gave me the keys. Phew! I'm glad my woman brain didn't get in the way.

(picture is from last year when Andy backed into my car)

Hope the rest of you had a nice dry weekend. But don't tell me about it.