♪♫ Today is my birthday! thun thun thun thun thun!!
I still have to go to work! Bhun nunanunun!!
I had to buy my own cake to bring to the asylum! Ledadidadee!!
Everybody, including Andy, thought my birthday was on the wrong day! Peepampeepapoo!!
I suck at rhyming! Fafeefufafoo!!
I'm dehydrated from all of the booze! Baneeneenanonoo!! ... ... ... ♪♫
I'm at a loss on how to end the song.
Anyway.
I know it's my birthday but I, being the giver that I am, have a gift for you. An embarrassing picture of me at age 7/8/9ish?
I know you have a lot of questions. "Where did you buy your cool guy shirt?" "Were those glasses as big as your head?" Why OH WHY did someone take a picture of you in the BATHROOM?"
I can answer your questions or I can dance instead!
We've had an ant problem at the Asylum for quite some time. These aren't the cute and cuddly little red ants either. They're the big ugly black ones. People would just brush them off the table, wall, shoulder, SANDWICH and shrug as if to say "meh, I've had worse disease ridden/riddled creatures on my tuna fish!" Me? I'm not so blasé so you would typically hear my cries of "Die you exoskeleton shit eater!", some mad stomping and then my coffee would kick in.
The dramaedy didn't reach its drama until someone found an ant walking around the toilet seat (I'm hoping before they lowered their dra'ws to sit on said seat) then all hell broke loose! All of a sudden it was imperative an exterminator came and uh exterminated the ants! We are not just talking about tuna fish anymore people! Now we have them attacking us were they can do the most damage!
So we called Norm.
Norm:
Where are these alleged ants?
Us:
Everywhere.
Norm:
Well, can you tell me where you've seen them?
Us:
EvErYwHeRe!
Norm:
So not just in the kitchen??
Bee:
For shitake's sake Norm! EVERYWHERE!!
Norm:
Language young lady!-- Did you say *shitake*? Okay, I'll have an exterminator out today.
And so he was true to his word and we had an emergency visit from the bug killer. I didn't see what the dude did because it was Friday and I left at THREE ON THE DOT, after telling OZ I was not going to have our weekly Friday meeting because he had the pig virus and I'd rather he keep it to himself, but when I came in on Monday morning, I asked if he had left little invitations for all ants and their distant relatives inviting them over for a nice cup of tea. Why? Because the ants TRIPLED!
I don't know about you but to me the word "exterminate" means to destroy!, eliminate!, eradicate!, that which bugs you. Clearly there had been a misunderstanding!
After I Michael Jacksoned my way out of the kitchen, it was decided Mr. Ex-Terminator-he-ain't (head roll, finger snap) would have to come back for another once over (or as I like to call it "do your effing job and kill those suckers before they start hitching rides in my clothes!)
I suggested buying a big vat of chocolate and putting a sign on the table that said "Get your chocolate covered ants here!" but the women just wrinkled their noses at me. Yeaaah! I'm the gross one!
When the exterminator dude showed up I thought, "no wonder the ants aren't afraid of this shorts, Hawaiian shirt, tanning lotion wearing parrot head!". He walked in (announcing his presence to everybody in the waiting room) and asked us where we had seen the ants.
All together now:
Everywhere!
He was carrying a paper bag and pulled out a couple of these:
I heard tiny, mocking laughter.
This makes me wonder if exterminators need proper training and credentialing because really I could just slap on a sticker on the ass of my car that says "Bee, exterminator to the stars" and then walk around dropping these little things everywhere I go like a fumigating angel of death. Where did Norm find this guy? Cheech and Chong play Magnum PI casting rejects? Okay, I know that's mean and he must be a very nice pot smoking/Jimmy Buffet fan and I may be just lashing out because I'm tired of squirming and battling things on my face that are just wisps of my hair!
For now, I think it's safest to eat with a lunch buddy. That way, if any ninja ants are making their way towards my Lean Cuisine, there will be 4 eyes keeping vigil. Well, 8 if you count our glasses.
Have I mentioned that I work in an office with 100% Caucasians? By that I mean they are all of Anglo descent with no spicy additives. ;op
Anyway, now that we are in near epidemic mode, they (the bats) feel I have all the answers to the causes and cures to the swine flu because it originated in México. Believe it or not, I don’t. I am as much in the know as the rest of the population… only better looking.
I’m not one to jump on the bandwagon of headline stories but this one is hitting close to home. I'm worried about all my family in México. Especially my grandparents. My grandfather has always been more like a father to me and I know that he will eventually be taken from this world but I am not ready to even think about that.
My papi and I.
I think it’s interesting how people take this type of news.
Conspiracy Theorist: My brother Rick is arguing it’s not real and that there is something fishy going on but I blame that on the fact that he was whacked on the head.
Religionistssss: While having dinner yesterday, my mom was saying how the Bible predicts plagues and natural disasters etc. She said the signs were all around us.
I had to finally say that, for centuries, there have been other diseases that killed off large portions of the population. Most recently was SARS and the bird flu. Before that there was the Ebola virus scare in the 90s and let’s never forget cancer. All I’m trying to say is we should take precautions but not continue with the doomsday predictions. Specifically during dinner when I’m trying to eat my tacos.
I will never understand people’s need to know what their future will hold. I’ve been living by the seat of my pants for years and have just prayed for the best. It’s usually worked out okay for me. Granted, I wish I would have known how much of a clunker my first car would be but I don’t know if I would have listened to Nostradamus’ or the Mayans’ prediction of it leaving me stranded in the middle of a left turn and blocking traffic.
I’m not saying they might not be right or to disregard the Bible but why would anybody live their lives with a dark cloud hanging over their heads? I can control my own destiny by being a decent human being, taking care of the people I love, working, eating lots of chocolate, not committing any crimes, etc. If a time comes when I know that it’s the end of the road for me, I hope to be able to take it in stride and accept things I cannot change (I probably won't take it well and cry like a pansy but don't tell anybody!).
I personally think the swine thing might be more serious and they are keeping the gory details so that pandemonium doesn’t erupt. Does that make me a realist or a pessimist? I don't know but for now, I am going to get up every morning, late as usual, run around the house chanting my remembrance song, swear at the dogs, jump into my mini tank, drive my ass to the asylum and grit my teeth until 5 o’clock. Such is the price to pay for paradise.
Also, if I sneeze, I don’t want everybody in the office walking around with scuba gear just because I have family in México. It’s a little insulting and if they keep giving me shit, I'm going to start wearing gas masks to stave off The Ladies of Perpetual Flatulence (the bats).
Take care of yourselves and don't eat too many bananas.
For weeks I avoided the dreaded black lung plague. My immune system was able to resist little babies who coughed and sneezed in my face. It was able to fight off all the germs carried by the moms of those same babies who touched my things. It Karate chopped the microbes the ladies at work spread throughout the office while they touched the copy machine and printer. I didn't want to brag to you guys that I had avoided getting sick the whole season because I was afraid to jinx myself.
On Friday I felt kind of crappy but I pushed through. On Saturday I felt a little worse but I threatened myself into getting out of bed and with positive thinking I did all the chores on my list.
It was all over on Sunday.
I knew it was bad when I couldn't move the blanket because it was too heavy. I knew it was really really bad when I had no appetite and my sweet heaven's elixir, COFFEE, turned my stomach. I walked around the house like a 109 year old lady grunting at every step I took feeling every rubber-band muscle in my body. My head felt like it was stuffed full of needles and cotton balls. To make matters worse, I slept all day on the sunniest day of the year.
I called in sick today so I may rest my weary bones and hopefully be better tomorrow. Unfortunately for me, my house is still grand central station and filled with babies crying, dogs barking, people talking loud to be heard over all the racket and for some reason, I'm also being used as a temporary baby holder. I'm thinking I would have gotten more peace and quiet at work.
Oh well. Tomorrow will hopefully be better... right?
How was your Valentine’s Day weekend? Mine was a bowl of chocolate covered cherries!
It started with me getting probed and scolded by an old fogey who then billed me 860 bucks. I gotta say, I’ve had better!
The old fogey was my eye doctor. It turns out I’m a huge pain in the ass to examine because I have the eyesight of a deaf bat (get it? because bats navigate by bouncing their screeching off of solid objects?)(whatever) so he has to work extra hard to make his $80 visit fee.
Tell you what. If I made 80 bucks for a 20 minute appointment, and I didn’t have to take my pants off to do it, I’d be thanking my lucky stars I have patients who can’t see 2 feet in front of them instead of making them feel like pig vomit.
And! As I said before, my bill came up to $860 for contacts and new glasses so Hello! How about a little fuckin sensitivity Dr. Grim!
Anyway, after the eye exam, that felt more along the lines of a proctology exam, we headed over to visit my brother-in-law BigTex who works for At&t. Guess who got a new iPhone? If you guessed me, you’re wrong. I’m still happy with Scarlett. No, Andy is now the proud owner of one of the most technologically advanced cell phones of the century since it was only $50 more than his second choice. Yay Andy!!!
Unfortunately, this is also a sad occasion for me. You see, because I own an iPod and have a smartphone, Andy seems to think I also have all the answers as to WHY his phone isn’t turning on or why he can’t access the internet RIGHTNOW or why it can’t tie his shoelaces while he tap dances. I had to keep repeating that
A) I don’t have an iPhone, never have, therefore am unfamiliar with its idiosyncrasies
B) I am not an iPhone tech moonlighting as his wife
C) I HATE APPLES (get it? because the iPhone is an Apple product?)(whatever man, I’m done with you!)
I swear, if our marriage has survived relatives*, financial difficulties, Tazz and floods, you’d figure technology would be a breeze but if I have to hear “Bee! My phone won’t turn on! FIX IT!” one more time… let’s leave that blank, shall we? I don’t want to incriminate myself in case I’m the prime suspect in an unrelated atomic wedgie incident where a masked WOMAN person came in and pulled Andy’s unders over his ears.
Other than that, the damn thing is awesome and I can’t wait until they come out with a red one.
On Monday, we had another guy come out to give us an estimate on the underground water tunnel we want to build under our house. This guy was older than the first one and seemed to think that women and construction terms don’t mix. He kept telling me that maybe he should wait for my husband to come home so he may explain the SCARY details to him. I told him he could take a seat right here! and explain it to me since I had my handy dandy pink pen to take notes and after all, women had a long history of taking notes from MEN so I’m sure I’ll be okay. By the way, can you please tell me how deep and how wide the hole will be? Big enough to stash an old guy’s body??
He changed his mind, it must have been my menacing growl, and decided to strain my little woman brain with all those technical details like PVC pipe, drainage tiles… water.
In his defense, he did say one of their inspectors was a woman and “she really knows her stuff!” Look at us being all equal and shit! Will wonders never cease?
Nutterphucker.
To tell you the truth, after listening to both quote guys, I think I can knock out the sump pump installation myself and save myself a few grand. Maybe buy some more shoes.
I started my Spring cleaning yesterday. I once read somewhere that dust was just dead skin so I’m currently looking to make a 30 person sculpture from all the dead skin I’ve accumulated since Christmas. I’m thinking of calling it “ZomBee Army” and I’ll give them power tools as weapons. Or maybe I can make them dig my underground moat and save myself money AND labor.
I think that’s all for now… oh yeah! Did you guys hear about the fireball in the Texas sky? Some people thought it might be the remnants of 2 satellites that crashed but they now think it’s a meteor the size of a pick up truck. I know better. Superman is finally here to save me.I love you Superman!
*if you are one of my relatives and are currently thinking “WTF! I’m in the same category as a flood???” no, no! Of course not. ... ...
P.S.
My Valentine (me) gave me an awesome purse and a pair of stylin' shoes.
P.P.S.
I also wanted to let everybody know that I love my Andy more than I do all the purses and shoes I own (and even future ones that haven't been made yet). I joke about our unconventional relationship but I could not have found a better man, believe me I did look long and hard before I chose him and I do believe he can do better by finding himself a nice sweet, never-gives-him-trouble type of gal but he's decided to stick with little OLD me. He puts up with my lack of control when it comes to my temper and I put up with all of his weirdness. We are like mustard and ketchup. With me being the mustard, I guess?
