Maybe it's because I still have my Christmas Village on my mantel? Also, I need to pump up my boobies! Pump. Up. My. BOOBS!

So we had a week of wonderful sunshine and warm weather but it looks like we're going back to this this weekend:

 

My tender parts just inverted themselves into my body.

I just wanted to give a quick update on my determination to pull myself up from my bootstraps. I'm doing great so far. I am officially at 16 pounds lost which rocks all kinds of ass.

I bought jeans for the first time in years. I hadn't wanted to buy any after I hit a certain size because I would think "I refuse to buy that much fabric and make those poor little sweatshop kids work extra hard to lift one of my pant legs!" so I stopped wearing jeans.

Just recently, I found a perfect style that showcased my butt just so, you women know what I'm talking about, right? My biggest problem now? They are getting loose! Oh the problems I have! ;o)

I've had some tough times. Especially living with the human vacuum cleaner I call my husband. I honestly think he is trying to eat everything in sight for fear that my dieting will make food disappear!

He makes waffles at 10:30 at night while I'm chewing on my nails. He makes himself delicious sundaes while I drool on my shirt. He eats WHOLE PIZZAS...

So, I decided to indulge in another vice.

 

Deeelicious!

P.S.

Brian asked how late we were to get back to the store on the other post. We were 20 minutes late and there were 4 women standing outside the door itching to make our lives miserable.

P.P.S.

I also went bra shopping and encountered a gay guy at the women's store. He helped me out which was okay but then he asked, "did you know you could put two pillows in one?" and I was like the hell? I looked down at my boobs wondering how the hell I would be able to contort them in that manner. It turns out he meant to tell me I could use two of their plastic air contraptions to give myself more cleavage. Well, thank you Jack McFarland, for telling me my rack is in need of an extra boost! Way to kick a girl in the balls!

Now you'll know what I sleep in... and it's not a coffin you jerks!

You know what this is?

This is a picture of my warm, cozy pajama bottoms*. I have puppy pjs, moon and star pjs and skiing dude pjs. That's right, nothing says sex appeal like fuzzy pajamas!

Normally, around this time of year, they would be tucked away in the far corners of my closet waiting patiently for winter. So far this year I have put them away 3 times but here they are, freshly laundered and ready for me to wear again tonight because the person holding the giant thermostat in the sky has decided we need a few more months of winter. Somebody find that groundhog and fry his ass!

In other news.

As you may remember, I'm still looking for a replacement job because I am fed up with the nuthouse and I'm determined not to turn into a whiney old lady.

I uploaded my resume to Carreer Builders and they send out emails every once in a while with job matches.

Usually they are pretty accurate and I have had a couple of oddball ones but Holy Mother of Moses did they send me a couple of perfect matches!

All in all, a step up from the asylum.

*The PJs are thanks to my awesome little sister.

So hello there! Did you miss me? I had a great time on my mini break, thanks for asking!

I know you’re probably dying to know what crazy high jinks we’ve got into but we had a pretty tame weekend so no juicy news for you!

Okay, I'll tell you about it anyway...

On Friday I continued with my landscaping and grub killing extravaganza. I am now the meanest, shortest, smelliest grub killer in the Midwest. Also, my sister took this picture of a bird taking a crap in my frog planter. To the bird I ask, "what the hell bird? the whole world is your toilet but you chose my freakin frog? asshat!"

Damn thing even turned away pretending to be embarrassed.

That reminds me of an old joke my uncle Curly used to tell me. He said that when he was out in rural farms delivering The Coca Cola and he needed to go, um, poopsie, he would go in a field, drop his pants and close his eyes. When I would ask why he closed his eyes he'd say "So anybody driving by wouldn't see me going poopsie" and when I would question that logic he would reply "if I can't see them, they can't see me!" Yeah, pretty much my whole family is weird.

On Saturday, at the BCD (butt crack of dawn), we went to the laundromat and I threw the mother of all tantrums because the machines were all being assholes! We then moved my momma and she is now officially on a separate floor which means all toys that belong to people under the age of 30 have been relocated and now my house doesn’t look like the McDonald’s play area.

On Sunday we took our one day vacation (because there is no budget this year for going anywhere exciting… sorry Wisconsin) and went to my in-laws’ campground where we all fell asleep in front of the TV and probably snored in unison.

On Monday I cleaned my house and rid it of all the construction dust that had accumulated because my logic was “what’s the point in cleaning today if it’ll look the same tomorrow” (you may recognize that logic if you have teens/preteens/husbands) from top to bottom then went to see Angels and Demons so that I may rest my old decrepit bones.

And now you’re jealous because my life is much more exciting than yours. What can I say? Not everybody can be this cool.

I enjoyed every last drop of this Holiday weekend and today was crashing about the office because I’d forgotten how to walk around walls. My only consolation is that we are already on Tuesday and it’ll be the weekend in no time. Hopefully.

I just heard it will rain until tomorrow night. I'm glad because we've obviously NOT had enough rain.

P.S.

To Brian and jean knee who thought something catastrophic had happened to me like pig flu or death, thanks guys! You always know how to brighten my day! Jerks.

P.P.S.

Does anybody watch Jon and Kate + 8? (For those of you who have lives and have no idea who they are, they are a young couple who over fertilized themselves and had 8 kids. They have been on TV for about 4 years or so.) I can’t explain why but I’ve become obsessed with the Jon and Kate Gosselin drama. Will they stay together? Will they get a divorce? They went from looking like they loved each other to hating each other in the blink of an eye. I really hope they pull it together because I’m running out of shows to watch.

Rain more rain and some more rain and then some more rain and then a jackass.

Okay, I need you all to do me a solid and tie up Mother Nature. I have been dying to start my gardening but the April TORRENTIAL RAIN Showers keep screwing with my head. I can't afford to lose any more of my mind. I'm running on empty as it is.

Picture this.

Friday, I get home from work, after having a fight with OZ, and I was ready for some therapeutic gardening. Instead I had to walk with Andy to pick up his car (which they didn't fix 100% and said "oh, you have to LIFT the door and slam it a couple times until it closes" uhm noooo! how about you fix it right and earn the 3 grand you're charging, assholes?) and by the time we got home it started raining and didn't stop.

Saturday, I was waiting and waiting for OFF! bug body spray to combat the damn chiggers (I know it may not stop the damn chiggers but I was going to put it on anyway) but when it finally arrived, courtesy of my sister, it was pouring.

Sunday, I went outside and danced around the patio admiring the sun, singing some random show tune when a mysterious tiny cloud multiplied and began to emit drops of liquid. But I didn't cry.

Monday, we had dinner and then went to the home improvement store and were cheerfully loading up Andy's work truck with edger brick thingies, stepping stones and drywall thinking we would be able to unload the truck before the rain came. Wrong! There is nothing like slipping and sliding through mud while carrying 40lbs of brick in each hand. My goal was to not go SPLAT!

On a positive note, chiggers don't swim so I'm hoping the rain has diminished the hive/herd/flock/swarm/potato chip.

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I left work early today so I could take Andy's car back to those crazy misfits who "" fixed "" his car since they said it would only take 15 minutes to adjust the back door. I sat in the waiting room, waiting, and when the dude called me to give me the car, he said to me:

Crazy Misfit:

When you go to close the door, you have to slam it shut so it'll close. It's a heavy door. You have to slam it shut. Because it's heavy-

Bee:

Just to be clear, I need to slam it shut? Wait. Stand back because I'm gonna try it. (I open the door and then close it normal-like). Like that you mean? Did I do it right?

I think I passed the test because he gave me the keys. Phew! I'm glad my woman brain didn't get in the way.

(picture is from last year when Andy backed into my car)

Hope the rest of you had a nice dry weekend. But don't tell me about it.