Bee's Musings: Wicked One

Showing posts with label Wicked One. Show all posts

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Crackers Ice Boobalicious Gnomes

Okay! Enough crabbiness!

This post is going to be about love!

One of the bats brought these delightfully delicious crackers and I fell head over heels in love! Do you see the heart? That means it loves me and wants to take me home to meet momma Triscuit!
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In other news.

Crazy Ez, my sister in law, is one of the finalist at Diesel's caption contest.
VOTE FOR HER IF YOU THINK HER CAPTION IS FUNNY!
I'm not trying to force you because you are all add-ults.
I mean, if you can pick your own socks/underwear, I'm sure you can decided on your own what's funny or not.
Beware though because that Stushie dude is a finalist again so cover your tracks so he doesn't know I mentioned the contest. Shhhhhh.

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♫‼All right stop! Collaborate and listen! Ice is back with a brand new invention!♫‼

In last news!

Here is the female gnome I promised Tracy.
A promise is a promise!

Just print it, put it over the face of your nearest chicken and let the fun ensue! Your male gnome will love you forever and provide you with fertility for your garden and um... your marriage bed. Just don't give me any details!

Gnomes Gone Wild Boobies!

Click here for more gnome boobs.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

TGIHD-Thank God It's Hump Day.

Day 23. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. - Mary Kay Ash

You guys know I'm doing the whole 365 day posting thing but today was a busy day so I will leave you with this question.

Knowing what an asshole OZ is to everyone (except me), why did I feel horrible when I met with him for some quick questions today and saw he was looking lost and haggard?

Okay, forget me leaving you with just this question. Now I have to tell you guys that the Bats are thinking I'm up for the role of Glynda! Little do they know I'm not into sparkly crystal pumps. More like these, the better to spear you with my dear!

Anyway, change is in the air...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Wicked! Plus a WTF story.

♪♫ I think I’ll try defying gravity!

And nobody in all of Oz

No Wizard that there is or was

Is ever gonna bring me down! ♪♫

So…

Last night we went to see Wicked… oh, you didn’t know? ;o)

It was awesome!! Well it always is. I recommend you go see it if you’re lucky enough to have a showing near you. If you’re not, come to Chicago and be my guest. Not literally my guest cuz if I’m buying tickets they’ll be for me and my sis. Also don’t think you can stay with me either, my dogs don’t like strangers (or strange people).
.
Anyway, this was my fourth time and it never gets old. Usually I have giants sitting in front of me but this time it was a little old lady with a small Q-Tip head so all was well. She was with, who I referred to in my head as, The Squirmy Family. It was Poppa S. Momma S. Grandma S. and Daughter S. They were sharing a pair of binoculars so they squirmed to the left, squirmed to the right, squirmed forward… but I didn’t care cuz our seats were fantabulous so I was able to see perfectly!
.

Unfortunately, you’re not supposed to take pictures and since I’m such a rule follower, I only took 3.

As we were leaving, I started singing and my sister gave me the ultimate compliment of all time by saying I should try out to be a munchkin. See-ee-ee my sis can hear my singing potential! Granted I was using my high-pitched-can-be-heard-by-dogs-20-miles-away voice but still!

I’ve also come to the realization that even though I no longer live in the “city” (that’s what Chicago suburbanites call Chicago) I still consider myself to be a Chicagoan. The other peeps that traveled from far to see the show were looking around nervously holding their purses close to their bodies as our friends the panhandlers walked among them asking for change.

They knew better than to ask my sis and I cuz we had the “you ain’t foolin’ me turkey!” look [patent pending]. We walked down the block to the nearest Mickey Dee’s, had some soggy salty French fries and waited for the Big Texan to come pick us up.

There was something in this Mickey Dee’s that singled it out from any ones you’ve been to in your town. This one had a security guard! Yeah, how weird is that!? I guess it’s due to the panhandlers loitering in and outside of the place, (one was at the register trying to get enough money together to buy himself a sweet double cheese so I gave him the quarter he needed. I know, very kind of me but I don’t like to brag).
Don’t let that stop you from coming to visit Chicago cuz it’s relatively safe, I mean who’s gonna do something to you when you have a crew of construction workers and their jackhammers opening up holes on the streets at all hours of the night. You’ll be fine!

All in all, even though I was dreading this birthday, it turned out to be one of the best I've ever had!

Thank you to all and to all a good ni--day!

WTF:
As I was getting ready for work (late as usual), my trusty radio informed me that in Australia they’re training the Santas to say “Ha Ha Ha” instead of “Ho Ho Ho”…!!!
It seems they don’t want women thinking he’s calling them a ‘Ho…!

Listen, if you’re a woman walking in the mall and you hear “Ho Ho Ho!” and get all pissed off… maybe you should change your profession! Just sayin’.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

If you stick your head in the mouth of a Tiger...

I just have a series of questions and they're all hypothetical but you can answer them if you like.

1) If you see a Tiger in front of you, do you poke it with a stick?

2) Let say you're stupid enough to poke it with a stick, do you stand there and let it attack you?

3) Let's say you're stupid enough to stand there and let it attack you, should you blame the tiger?

4) Let's say you do blame the tiger, do you lecture it after it's attacked you once?

5) Let's say you lecture and the tiger attacks you again, do you go to the corner and cry because you're feeling sorry for yourself?

6) Should the tiger apologize or just finish the job it started?

No reason for asking but I just wantta say:

"Stop being a little pissy pants baby!"

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Said to me on 10/16/07 at 4:13 CT (give or take a minute)

The best compliment I have ever received in my entire life:

Useless Human:

"You’re so sure of yourself, you’re never wrong!"
.
.

Wish there were 2 of me Bee:

"Well… yeah."

(Okay, there might have been a question mark at the end of that sentence but as far as I'm concerned, they were stating a FACT!)

I also came to realize that my nickname totally ROCKS!

Thank you former Assistant Manger of Brown's Chicken who could not pronounce Bianca therefore said he would just call me "Bee"!

Please note he was also a coke-head/girlfriend-beater, these are important things to know so that you don't think he was a cool guy.

He just did one good thing in his life.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

2

Today marks the day of my second anniversary here at Hell Hole Is Us so to celebrate I have decided to be especially obnoxious to my fellow annoyers.

Here are my goals:

1) I will not respond when my name is called until they are standing in front of me. This could be dangerous because they will invade my space.

2) I will only answer their questions with another question. Example "Is the copy machine working?" me "I don't know is the copy machine working?" etc.

3) I will sing random songs from the radio out loud.

Well, louder than I normally do. AND play air guitar, piano, drums when called for.

The air instruments might be a little hard since it's something I've never done before but I'm always up for new stuff! (In a non-bondage type of way)

4) I will lock the back door after people go for a cigarette break therefore making them walk thru the front door and waiting room where patients will think they have the right to ask them why their elbow hurts.

This one will make me laugh because I've done it a couple of times before and they're always so confused.

5) I will answer my phone with the name of the company I used to work for then correct myself.

HA! I actually do that allot so there's no real challenge! Well, now that I want to do it I might forget so wish me luck.

6) I will act shocked anytime one of them tells me what they brought for lunch. Example "you brought tuna salad?!"

I don't know what I'll say yet once they respond "yes, why?" I'll have to play it by ear.

7) I will pretend something interesting is happening outside the window so that each one of them individually comes to check out the scenery.

I'll have to ad lib that one too but I'm thinking maybe a squirrel fighting a bird...?

I might update this list later AND might actually do some of these things the rest of the week. Still thinking about it.

What?

Are you feeling sympathy for them?

Today Purple Dino-SOUR asked me how to change a simple simple SIMPLE thing on an account and she has been with the company for 18 years (18!).

Milton (5 years) decided to lecture me on the importance of rotating paper boxes even after I told her it hadn't been me, I still heard it for an hour. I didn't know that paper could spoil but I guess if you give it a few years (50?) it'll turn to dust.

Cowardly Lion (7 years) asked me how to change the ribbon on the printer.

Glynda (20 years) asked me which tray was for the out going mail.

Scarecrow (9 years) didn't bother me today but I'm sure she will in the future.

You must remember 2 things:

1) They are already crazy, what matters is my sanity.

2) The moment you start feeling sorry for them it will stop being funny and the universe will collapse.

Do you really want that on your shoulders?

I didn't think so!

Sincerely yours,

Bee

Monday, September 24, 2007

When Bras attack! An Injured boob tells her story.

**Warning for Men you might not want to read this since it might contain TMI regarding women stuff!**

So there I was sitting at my desk minding my own business. I was kind of sleepy I won’t lie to you, a little distracted, disinterested in my surroundings etc.

I reached over to grab a chart when all of a sudden I felt this horrible stabbing pain! WTF! The bats got me! They’re trying to stab me to death!
No!
I’m too youngish to die!!

Oh… wait.

It’s just the under-wire of my bra digging a hole on the side of my boob. The freakin’ thing has broken in half and come out of the seam and nearly killed me!

Why do we pay so much money for these damn things if they’re gonna be so generic? I paid $30 ($30!) for this stupid thing and now I’m walking around with a wad of tissue so it doesn’t continue torturing me.

It’s not like I can ask to go home based on a boob injury... well maybe I can but then I’d have to admit what my problem is and that would be pretty embarrassing. Kind of like telling the world I stuff my bra!

Uh… yeah I guess I’m doing that now but you need to be part of my happiness and pain.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Picture Brian is talking about:

Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 3

Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.

[When we return we see Orpa visibly shaken and WW is smiling]

Orpa:

Please continue...

WW:

When did I realize I melted...?

That’s a bad memory. Few people know I'm missing a pinky on my left hand and a big toe on my right foot.

Some moron spilled his coffee on my toe and it sizzled! I just thought it was because it was hot but my toe had melted right off! Don’t worry I turned him into recycled toilet paper.

I was still young when this happened, in my early 80’s, and...What?

Yeah, coffee's been around longer than you humans know. It was originally just for immortals but some moron fell in love with a human and the rest is history...

Anyway... I didn’t think anything of it at the time, 10 years later I was going to boil frog legs so I decided to test the water with my pinky to see if it was hot. The good news is that it wasn’t hot. The bad news is that I can’t give somebody a high five with my left hand.

Orpa: [looks for a "safe" question]

What is your favorite non-alcholic drink?

WW:

I am addicted to coffee. How can I drink it you ask? Water/Liquids cannot touch my skin but I can drink them as long as they don't touch my lips...

I have special straws that I insert halfway down my throat. Luckily I don't have human gag reflexes.

Orpa:

What do you wear underneath of your cape...sexy negligees? Plain cotton? Or maybe you go commando?

WW:

I wear underthings made out of hemp! I ride around on a broom in high altitudes I have no use for soft delicate fabrics!

Orpa:

Isn't hemp uncomfortable to wear directly on the skin?

WW:

::sigh:: We are talking about my skin. So you realize I fly in all kinds of weather? Freezing rain, snow, heat etc. Do you think delicate skin could take that? No? Right! My skin isn't delicate it's made better than human skin! Plastic Surgeons would give an eyeball for a literal piece of me, some have!

Orpa:

Favorites: book, color, musical artist, smell, movie, alcholic drink, TV show, cell phone provider?

WW:

Wow!

Give me a minute...

My favorite book is a cook book, “For witches that love their warlocks” {snicker}

Color: Blood Red

Musical Artist: I find myself playing Bob Marley for some odd reason. Mostly when I smok-... what the f[bleep] didn't you f[bleep]n' warn me about answering all your f[bleep]n' questions truthfully?! You are so full of s[bleep]! Fine! Where the f[bleep] were we?

[WW continues but her skin starts glowing a deep emerald green]
Smells...

There’s nothing better than the smell of monkey feces in the morning.

Movie: Grease. The part you first see John Travolta as he's leaning against the school and he turns around and smiles...! What? I have a soft spot for JT before he went all weird with the Scientology crap! Aliens! Everybody knows they don’t exist!

Drink: Vodka & Cactus juice!

TV show: Friends that Chandler cracks me up!

Don’t need a cell phone, I communicate with my Other by a high pitch scream. I don’t need to call anybody else.

Orpa:

Is there a rule that witches must wear black?

WW:

Well after a few years I’ve put on a couple of pounds, black is slimming, I thought everyone knew that! Besides, not too many colors go with green.

Orpa:

How do you make your living? Or is money not something that dictates your life? Maybe you can make your own?

WW:

I get e-mails requesting things, I cannot say what since I've signed confidentiality agreements, then I get paid for my services. It’s against the law to manufacturing money yourself… I can’t make make my own, but I can turn it into anything I wish if somebody displeases me. Do I like money? Yes. Does it rule my life? No.

Orpa:

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

WW:

I have one tattoo. My Other has one similar to mine, it’s two entangled hooked noses. Piercings, just my ears and the dimples of my cheeks.

Orpa:

Since you can fly around on your broom, I'll assume you've traveled the world, what's your favorite place to visit?

WW:

I have lots of, for lack of a better word, “THINGS” I know in Transylvania. I recommend people go there. Especially with children. Yeah... take your kids with you. [she winks at the camera]

Orpa:

Who would you choose to portray you, in the movie of your life?

WW:

Well the person I resemble the most is Angelina Jolie so maybe her…? I don’t know they might have to make her look a little younger...

Orpa:

Do you like children? And I don’t mean in a 5 Gallon pot with carrots and peas. If not, why not?

WW:

No, children and I do not get along. I don't understand their language.

Orpa:

Witches normally have black cats as pets, what is the name of your black cat?

WW:

I’m allergic to cats so I don't have one.

[When the producers fact checked this information, they found out she was not allergic to cats. Her Other stated she just didn't like them but that it's always unpopular to make that statement.]

Orpa:

In a battle between you and Jeannie, who would have won Major Nelson’s sweet love? What would you have done to catch his eye and conquer his affectionate kisses?

WW:

I was the one that banished Jeannie, to that bottle. I win all the way but you can keep your Major Nelson, he’s too much of a weenie for me! I like men you will stand up to me, he couldn't even control an insipid genie!

Orpa:

We only see witches wearing these fabulous or not so fabulous gowns/dresses…. what about when you go to bed…. the gym…. the movies… the beach??

WW:

200 years ago I kidna-… uh hired a dressmaker. She keeps me in all the latest fashions in exchange for her immortality. Just like nuns and priests, I do wear regular clothes every once in a while.

Orpa:

Are you able to wiggle your nose and make people go away? If so why haven’t you used your powers to get rid of people who make you unhappy?

WW:

Go away? Do you mean like kill them? I'm evolving with the times and trying not to extinguish lives anymore. I only turn them into things like crickets and cicadas. Only I have the power to let people make me unhappy. I choose to mock them instead.

Orpa:

Which has been the worst spell you have ever cast and to whom was it directed?

WW:

Worst spell? I think all of my spells are amusing, to me anyway but let me think.Well I made Britney Spears fall in love with K-Fed... I did that one for Hilary Duff, it turns out she wanted Britney to spiral. I'm telling you because the Duff still owes me...

Orpa:

Are you green ALL OVER ?

WW:

What!? What the hell kinda questions is that?

Orpa:

Uh... don't get angry... i-i-i-f you l-l-ike we can c-c-c-ome b-b-back to that one...

WW:

F[bleep] YOU! WE WILL NOT COME BACK TO THAT ONE! WHAT THE F[bleep]!!!

[The studio is suddenly dark. The only light is the one spot light shining directly at WW. Orpa is now on her knees in fright but she is determined to finish this interview.]

Orpa:

H-H-Have you e-e-ever had f-f-f-fantasies about the Incredible H-H-Hulk ?

WW:

Oh I see, because he’s green and I’m green right? Well I’m tired of the world judging us by our skin color! That’s it! I’m done with these ridiculous questions! GET THIS F[bleep]N' MIC OFF ME!

Orpa:

N-N-No, w-w-wait you s-s-said...

J-J-Just one more questions...

W-W-What's a n-n-nice girl like you d-d-doing in a b-b-blog like this?

[In an instant she's gone! All that was left was the sound of her cackle!]

Orpa collapses.

Question Credits:

Crazy people that know who they are.

*If you're wondering about the Dung Beetle Lawsuit, they were eaten by snakes and everyone is denying this ever happened. This is why you'll never hear about it on the news.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Get Your Shtick Away From Me!

When I asked for questions for the WW, people also sent questions meant for me (?)… These are real (some weird) questions.

It’s okay I can take it.

Q:
You sometimes refer to yourself in the third person, is this how you differentiate between you and your alter ego?
A:
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, my alter ego took over when I was 3 so this person who comes into your living space is the real Bee…

Q:
I love your blog and read it all the time. I read other blogs too and they seem to have a theme, what’s your shtick?
A:
Uh… how can I put this delicately…? I don’t have a shtick… I’m. A. Girl… I have a… well maybe I shouldn’t explain human anatomy to you. Try going to your doctor or maybe your mom or older sibling if you have one (an older sibling that is).

Q:
Have you ever thought you might be hard to work with too?

I am hard to work with! Your point is? Actually don't answer that cuz I really don’t give a shit...
Just because of that question, I declare today to be “Smack An Annoying Co-Worker Day.” (Yes, I have that power)

Q: [same person]
If your job is that bad, have you ever thought about just quitting and looking for something else?
A:
What is the guarantee I will find another set of oddballs like these? The short answer is I stay here for the comedy (dramedy?) without them I have no stories for my blog! Or is that your secret plan...?

Q:
Why did you decide to start a blog?
A:
The people around me (Andy) got tired of listening to me so this was the next best thing. Added bonus I can spread the word of Bee (third person) to a larger audience (of 6).

Q:
Will you ever post a picture of yourself?
A:
Why? Are you having mice problems? I don’t recommend using my picture to scare off rodents or insects. For some reason they start forming alters to worship me and you wind up with more pests than what you started with.
Maybe you should try calling a pest control agency type thing.

Q:
Do you ever worry your co-workers or boss will find out about your blog?
A:
No, some of the people here still say “The World Wide Web Internet”. No worries.

Q:
I was wondering if you would like to contribute to my blog, it is about real women who have sexual experiences with their same sex. You can do so anonymously.

Upon reading your own posts, have you learned anything about yourself?
A:

I learned that my mommy was right and I AM a Bad Ass!

Thanks for playing!

P.S.
If you have any questions, suggestion, things you'd like to confess, let me know...
Maybe I'll respond, maybe I'll just laught at you... it's a crap shoot!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 2

The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles! Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.

No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)

Where we left off...

Orpa:
Are there any other witches more powerful than you?

WW:
There was one that came close, but when I was informed her weakness was Mickey Dee’s, I sent my monkeys to bring her food every hour. When she was too meat drunk to move, I made her explode. They recently discovered her remains in oil form near Azoobefar.

Orpa:
Where’s Azoobefar?

WW:
I believe I came here for personal questions not to give you a geography lesson.

[Orpa mumbles something under her breath that sounds like 'what a bitch' the WW smiles.]

Orpa:
Where do you take your broom to get serviced if it breaks down?

WW:

My broom is not mechanical. It is an ordinary broom you can find in any store. I’ve gone thru thousands of them.

Orpa:
Well if it’s just an ordinary broom, can I go and get mine and fly?

WW:
First, do you even know where your broom would be? Don’t you have people that wipe your nose for you? Anyway you cannot fly if you are not a witch.

Are you familiar with Santa’s sleigh? Well his sleigh runs on [gag] believing in him, sunshine and good wishes, I fly because of people’s fears.

Guess who flies higher and longer! Thanks to all the wusses out there who are afraid of the dark!

By the way I’ve only met Santa once and he is too saccharine sweet for me but I would keep an eye on him if I were you… Have things gone missing after he visits? That’s all I’m sayin’!

Orpa:
How dare YOU of all people imply Santa’s bad!

WW:
Hey! At least you know what I’m about! I never promised joy and happiness! I’m all about rage. … And money, if you have the bucks you can rent me for an hour. For spells gutter minds!

Orpa:
What happened in your childhood?

WW:
Nothing much happened in my childhood. My adoptive parents bought 2 monkeys to keep me company so that I wouldn’t have to go out in public. Little did they know they got me a male and a female which, after tons of inbreeding, provided me with my Monkey Army.

Orpa:

Do you have many friends?

WW:
Friends no. Frenemies yes.

Orpa:
What do you mean by "frenemies"?

WW:
People who are terrified of me but would rather stay on my good side so they do my bidding.
I guess I should start hanging out with more witches but they all think they’re prettier than me. Which, as you can see, they are mistaken!

Orpa:
If you could be any color besides green what would it be and why?

WW:

Let’s see… probably orange. I would want to be a color as offensive as green. It goes with my antisocial behavior…

Orpa:

Is your Wickedness a result of a broken heart?

WW:

No… I am happy to say, every warlock I’ve encountered has fallen for me as if in a strange spell...

[WW looks "angelicly" at the camera then wiggles her eyebrows]

Orpa:

What do you feed your flying monkeys?

WW:
If I told you what I fed my monkeys you’d form another lynch mob! But ONE of the things they like are toe nail clippings. They’d hang out a Nail Salons all day if I didn’t have a buzzer under their skin.

Orpa:

Are there any reptile ancestors in your family tree?

WW:

Very funny! Because I’m green right? Well I know who asked that question and I’ll be visiting you in your nightmares! Sweet dreams!

Orpa:
You still didn't answer... [cut off]

WW:
No! No reptiles!

Orpa:

At what age are you planning on retiring or do you plan on being on this shoe quest till your dying day?

WW:

I will never retire. Never Ever. I already have a back up plan in case a house falls on me. I’ve stored my DNA so that my Other will clone me… Well, I hope he does anyway, because you can’t always trust a warlock! By the way shoes are my passion!

Orpa:

Speaking of shoes, a walk in your shoes, can you please give us some insight or walk us through a day in the life of the WW?

WW:

A day in my life.
Well it starts with my Other banging the gong, not a euphemism we literally have a gong, to make me wake up.
We argue for about 10 minutes as to who is going to let the monkeys out, feed them etc.
He leaves to his energy thing. I go back to sleep. 2 hours later I wake up. I make sure my hair is flock of seagull-ish and go on to torment the world.

Orpa:

Where do you go to relax? The local mud hole?

WW:
I recently joined Alcholics Anonymous. I enjoy making them break their sobriety. [At Orpa's shocked expression she adds] Don't worry I always put them in a cab! Of course I give the cab driver the wrong directions but that's another story...

Orpa:
Do you live your life without regrets?

WW:
I only have one. And that's agreeing to this interview!

Orpa:
How and when did you find out that you would melt if you where in contact with water? Didn't you find out when you tried to bathe?

WW:

My adoptive parents would gather dead skin cells from the local skin buffing spa and scrub it all over me. I just assumed this is how everyone cleaned themselves.

[Orpa gags and asks for a break.]

Stay tuned for the last installment of The Wicked Witch Interview where she will discuss how she first found out water was her enemy, who wins the battle between her and Jeannie and what's under her dress...

Monday, August 27, 2007

Interview with a Wicked Witch Part 1

Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather. Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.

The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles!

Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.
No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)

Orpa:
Our next guest is someone we've feared since we were itty bitty school children. Y'all remember going to school and hearing stories about how you're neighbor who lived in the corner house was a witch? Well this one is the most powerful one and she has agreed to answer all questions no matter how intimate!

Please welcome... The Wicked Witch!

[fake clapping]

[Out walks WW wearing a long black flowing gown. Her skin the color of the inside of an avocado]

Orpa:
Thank you for joining us! I have to say I wasn't expecting you to look so...

WW:
You were expecting a hag weren't you? Those are old wives tales, you see what you want to see!

Orpa:
After years of tales it's hard not to believe them. Are you ready to begin? Remember you've promised to speak without inhibitions...

WW:
Just start already! [Her impatience visible in her constant shifting]

Orpa:
So you're aware, all of our questions were submitted by audience members. If there's one you don't like, you must answer it but you shouldn't take your anger out on me.

WW:
I'm immortal, time normally doesn't mean anything to me but if the next thing out of your mouth isn't a question , you'll be talking to my smoke!

[Orpa sighs]

Orpa:
Are you married or do you have a significant other?

WW:
I am the equivalent of what you humans would call married.

Orpa:
Okay… [motioning for her to continue] Listen you said you’d answer all our questions!

WW:
Considering this is my first interview ever, how about you relax...?

Yes, I’m married. I’ve been married for 650 years! He is a Warlock that siphons energy and power from people during the day, both from their homes and bodies, and is one of the creatures people keep trying to kill in that “warcrafty” world at night.

Orpa:
You said he is a Warlock, as in male witch?

WW:
::sigh:: Yes, male witch. Nobody else can semi control me.

Orpa:
Since your behavior is so… let’s say odd, what attracted you to him?

WW:
Well a girls gotta laugh so I would have to say his sense of humor. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes, I can barely hobble in time to get to the bathroom.

[Opra gasps]

WW:
Oh… too much information? Make up your mind first you want to know everything then you don’t! Anyway he’s extremely funny, there are those few days when he’s MMVSing but…

Orpa:
What is MMVSing?

WW:
Masculine Mentally Vacated Syndrome, You know, when they can’t seem to be able to find the rats milk when it’s sitting right under their hook nose?

Orpa:
I don't believe we've heard from him, is he a private person?

WW:
Well, like I said, at night he is trying to keep from being killed so he’s really busy. Humans to him are just work, he has no interest in their world outside of that.

Orpa:
In fiction, wicked witches usually are unconditionally evil, and get punished accordingly. I'm guessing you don't agree with this, so how do you think humanity gains from having you around?

WW:
Well, I don’t want to say I’m unconditionally evil… I don't walk around casting spells willy nilly, I have to be provoked! I've found this helps my chances in not being persecuted to be burned, hung or melted, contrary to popular belief, that little girl did not get the best of me. I just chose to go underground so I faked my death.

I’ve been known to forgive an offender now and then by sparing there lives and just turning them into something useful like…fertilizer.

The world needs me! Without me how would you warn your kids about evil? I am the one you come to when you say to your children “If you don’t eat your vegetables the Wicked Witch will come eat your spleen”… what? What do you mean you don’t threaten your kids? Well that’s why they become crack heads then!

Orpa:
Do you ever want to have children?

WW:
No.

Orpa:
Can you elaborate?

WW:
No, thank you…?

Orpa:
I am not going to warn you again…

WW:
Fine, but just for the record, you don’t scare me! I can turn your money into monkey shit.
I and my Other are too self involved. We are the picture of selfish. If we had children, how would we be able to pick up and go to the movies on a whim? I was told you can’t put kids in cages…

Orpa:
Is being a WW a 24x7 occupation, or do you get time off? If the latter, what do you do with your free time?

WW:
Well if you would have asked me that question 500 years ago I would have said it was 24/7 but now that I’ve hired, not really hired because I don’t pay them… with money anyway, minions it’s more of a 7AM-8PM gig.
On my off time I stalk bloggers, write some offending letters, along with curses, make voodoo dolls, tend to my garden of poison herbs and marijuana... Hey! What's that disapproving look for? A girl has got to decompress…

[Orpa pauses her interview to let her editors know she does not want that in her interview. Her editors agreed with her but behind her back the producers make the decision to leave it in. The WW continues.]

My Other and I usually take a vacation around October, before Halloween, we go to this unpopular vacation spot called “Nowheresville”. We like it there because nobody bothers us requesting autographs and spells.

Orpa:
You go on vacation before Halloween? Don’t you need to prepare to frighten people?

WW:
Refreshing my batteries before that night is more important! I know people usually don’t vacation before their big events but I have no need to prepare being scary. You are not a real witch if you can’t naturally get up from your stone slab and be horrific.

Stay tuned on Wednesday 8/29/07 for part 2 of The Wicked Witch where she talks about her childhood and Santa Clause.

*The producers would like to state we do not agree or disagree with any of the opionons given in this interview.

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