Showering with Bee. But we're all fully clothed, m'mkay?

I'm not an environmental zealot by any stretch of the imagination but when I hear about something I may easily change about my habits that will help save a polar bear so he may live to eat more evil seals , I make an attempt to adjust my lifestyle.

The other day, while in the shower and listening to the radio, I heard the announcer say that if we all stopped using bottled body wash and used bars of soap instead, it would avoid a gabillion bottles going to landfills. I thought back to my life pre-bottled body wash and had no ill memories so I decided to give it a try.

Tuesday morning was my first day testing this *bar of soap experiment* since my body wash had officially run out. I chose Irish Spring as my soap because I imagined myself frolicking in a secluded spring with a good looking Irishman with strong hands and-uh [clears throat] yeah. I lathered up my wash cloth and was immediately disappointed when it didn't suds up as much as my body wash.

I'm a firm believer in the 'no suds, no clean' theory I made up for when I do laundry and dishes so I applied this same theory to my shower. I kept reapplying the soap to my wash cloth but I was running out of time so I did the best I could with what I had.

As I was rinsing, I immediately felt something abnormal. My skin started tightening. I looked at my arm to make sure it hadn't turned into plastic but it was as fleshy as ever. When I began drying myself, the tightening got worse! I dared not bend over for fear of my skin cracking wide open! I lotion-ed myself up as fast as I could and I instantly felt like those leather chairs that undergo oil treatments to make them all soft and mushy. Ahhh! I was back to normal! But fro how long?

I really don't know if I want to go through that again. I may just give my soap to Andy and look for a more woman friendly bar for myself. Womens out there, do you have any suggestions other than Dove and Caress? I want a soap that'll last me some time and not dissolve in water after the first use.

Later, as I was shellacking on my make up, I heard the radio dudes say that a Beluga whale had given birth and this caused a warm and fuzzy feeling in my tum tum so I was all "Awwww" but then I immediately followed it up with "Son of a bitch!" because this baby whale is 5'4 and 162 pounds which makes it skinnier and taller than me!

 

To recap, my skin now resembles a dried out mushroom and whales are taller and skinner than I am!

Crappy Holidays to me!

 

Just kidding, Santa.

This post is brought to you by...*

I love watching commercials. I know that may not be a popular thing to say in this day of TiVos and DVRs but I enjoy a well crafted attempt to hypnotize me into obesity/alcoholism/gambling/promiscuity.

One of my favorite commercials right now is the one for Schick Quattro. I hope the creative minds behind this idea are, at this very moment, on a boat sipping champagne in St. Tropez.

It is seriously one of the best commercials I have ever seen. Take a look:

The first time I saw it, I laughed my ass off while Andy looked at me in confusion.

Bee: Don't you get it?

Andy: It's a commercial about a razor, so?

Bee: Do you see what's happening to the bushes as the women walk by them?

I rewind it so he can see the bushes.

Andy: I don't get it.

Bee: Good lord man! The woman walks by the bush and then it morphs into a more manicured shape!

Andy: ...?

Bee: Bush bush BUSH!! [gestures wildly]

Andy: Oh BUSH!! [nods and points]

::sigh:: I married an innocent!

Anyway, the reason I think this commercial is genius is because they don't give you specifics and yet they leave nothing to the imagination... without being tacky. And I know tacky!

In the name of blogscience, I will test out what the commercial advertises and walk in front of a bush.

Before:

After:

Ummmm, uh-oh?

*Alternate title "One in the hand is worth 2 in the bush"

Who had an awesome time on vacation? I did! I did! And probably Andy.

So, as you all know, my Long Lost Friend came for a visit. We picked her up at O'Hare and of course Andy slept while we waited.

She brought her two adorable little kids who were perfect little guests.

We only had 3 full days to take advantage of the awesomeness that is Chicago so we tried to pack in as much fun as we could. Lucky for us, the weather (and Andy) behaved.

On Saturday we hit one of my favorite spots, The Chicago Botanic Gardens.

What? You think that just because I go there every weekend I’m lame and therefore should have taken her somewhere else? Hey man! I also gave her a tour of the Jiffy Lube where my car gets its oil changed, Citgo where my car gets gas and Arkham Asylum where I get my oil changed and get gas so I think her sightseeing experience was all it could be and more! Maybe.

On Sunday we went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and Oz Park (where Andy and I watched her 2 year old son while she took her 11 year old daughter in search of a flushable potty and then her son almost gave me a heart attack because I thought he had escaped the play area via THE WIDE OPEN GATE ON THE OPOSITE END so then Andy and I had to remain as sentries at the 2 entrances until his mommy came back)(don't worry, he has no idea I aged 20 years). The zoo was pretty cool, no polar bears though which was a little disappointing. Here, I took some pictures of gorillas for you guys:

(what the hell are those rhinos doing in the Gorilla cage??)

It's like you were there, right?

On our way back home, we drove by Big Willy, formerly known as The Sears Tower, and other landmark skyscrapers all up close and personal-like. My city is truly magnifico!

We then had a little bonfire that night and reminisced about old times. As I told you yesterday, I was attacked by a swarm of spiders (spiders swarm too, right?) when I went to get some firewood. Very ouchie.

On Monday we went to the Shedd Aquarium but before going in, we took a water taxi to Navy Pier. I wish we would have done it in reverse because the Shedd closes at 6 so we didn’t have a chance to enjoy much of the Pier before having to make our way back. Still, it was a nice little view of the Chicago Skyline.

I had to stop Andy from jumping overboard. He was saying he wanted to play with the dolphins. I had to remind him they’re in Miami.

On our way to dinner, we stopped outside of Harpo Studios because my LLF is a huge Oprah fan. Unfortunately, there were no Oprah sightings. Not even at the nearest Dunkin Donuts... kidding.

To conclude our visit, on Tuesday we went to a water park near my home before they were scheduled to leave for the airport. Andy didn’t join us though because he didn’t want to see all those hot women in bikinis. A model husband is what he is. His compliments to me this weekend were as follows:

“ooh! That sunburn is looking purple! Is that normal?” –No, I would say purple skin tone is borderline 3rd degree burns.

“You know what the problem is, you sit weird so your shirt gaps at an angle. That’s why your sunburn isn’t symmetrical” – So should I have just gone around flashing innocent bystanders?

“Your face is all shiney.” – It’s called sweat, dear.

Anyway, I have to admit I thought our reunion might be a little awkward but it wasn’t at all. It was almost as if our lack of contact was only the length of one summer. She had some great memories of our childhood/early teen years and was able to fill in some memory gaps I had. We were also able to catch up on our current ventures, she has 2 kids a husband, is a teacher of school teachers, I have 2 dogs, an Andy, nutter coworkers and no life.

I'm glad she contacted me and we were able resume our friendship. I hope she enjoyed her visit and I thank her because it allowed Andy and I to enjoy Chicago again so we felt like we went somewhere too.

I did subject her to an interview which I will post next week but for now, this is a picture of a crackhead rhino-turtle. Can you see the turtle, little Jimmy?

Announcement!

Our Sunday Comic comes back this Sunday with the conclusion of "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Last resort babysitters.

Thank you and please come again!

Glass half full?

So I know I'm supposed to do reruns but then I read back on my shi-stuff and I'm too embarrassed to repost such lameness soooooooo...

We went to the zoo on Sunday whereupon we saw this sign.

The way I see it, there are 2 kinds of people. Those that think.

"Holy crap! I guess my sex life could be worse!"

or

"Dammit! Even hippos are having more fun than I am!"

 

Which are you?