"Bee n' Andy: Shoe Sale"

So, I have a very serious question.

I needed to kill time before I had to start at ACS so I walked into Marshall's to *just browse*. I don't know if all states have a Marshall's and I know Brian doesn't have one over in Brianland so I'm gonna explain what Marshall's is. Marshall's is a store with supposed brand name clothes/shoes/purses at low prices. I have yet to find a bargain there but I stop in anyway in case it ever happens.

As I was perusing through the shoe aisle (surprised?), I came across a pair of bad ass shoes that  immediately wanted to get on my feet. Who was I stop them? I put them on and headed for a mirror. As I was admiring myself (as I tend to do about every 45 minutes), I had a horrific thought "Am I too old to wear these shoes?"!

 

I mean, the brand name is Dollhouse which implies they are either for young women or strippers and, well, I am thirty with a seven after it which, even though I'm short, isn't as youthful as it sounds and I know for a fact I'm not a stripper... maybe.

I almost talked myself into buying them since they were only $24.99 but sensible, old, non-stripper Bee decided to pose the question to my friends who will be 100% honest with me and tell me if those shoes are inappropriate for a woman of my stature. I mean they are in the sense that they would add to my stature but let's not confuse the matter.

So, yes or no to me going back and getting the shoes?

Also, I hear the Blackhawks won?

How to start a kitchen fire in 5 easy steps.

1) put pan on burner
2) light burner
3) put oil in pan
4) go remove Tazz's jaw from Andy's leg
5) come back and put beans in hella-hot oil

Stand back and watch the oil, liquid, fire combine for a beautiful fire display. BUT! Beware of becoming hypnotized by the flickering flames because they might make you want to get closer and you'll end up with an unfashionable hairdo.

Yup! I sure did start a fire and nearly burned my house down! The sad part is that it was my first official cooking day.
Don't worry, everything is okay. Even though the microwave and cabinets were lit up like Rudolph after a week of binge drinking, nothing melted.

To quote Andy "Isn't making BEANS part of your DNA for cripessake??"

He's just mad because when I yelled out for help (normally I'm all calm, cool and collected but when I noticed the flames on my microwave and cabinets, something inside of me shit its pants) he came barreling from around the corner, assessed the situation and opened the back porch door and stood there in a semi crouched position…

… While he was getting ready to escape (WTF?) I turned off the burner and moved the pan to a less flammable area- the middle of the kitchen where there are no cabinets or cobwebs (do you know how fast cobwebs burn, YIKES!).
Andy claims he was opening the door so that I may run outside and throw the pan as far as my little person arms could (not far, it probably would have landed at my feet).

I think we need to set up cameras in my house because this for sure would have won us the title of "America's dumbest couple"! We later laughed our asses off because we can't seem to function when no real adults are present (mommy?).

The beans came out great in case you're wondering.

Also, for Angie and Abstract (and even Andy) who feel jipped (Word is saying I should replace *jipped* with *japed* I thought they were joking) because I didn't give more of the story yesterday:

I was helping a MEAN patient with her medical forms since she didn't speak English but then I got a phone call and had to go back in my office to take it. She followed me back to my office (BIG NO-NO) and continued yammering so I had to give her the "hold on a minute" finger but I must have been pissed at her because I used my middle finger instead of the index one. Accidentally of course…

The boob thing, I was wearing a new bra (TMI?) and the girls were not being contained properly so I adjusted them with my back to the door and my front to the window. I couldn't see anybody out there but our office is on the ground level, it faces the parking lot and it's a medical building right on a busy street, during rush hour. I didn't pop them out or anything but if anybody saw me, it was clear I was shoving them into submission.

Okay, I'll talk to you guys later, I'm off to put a frozen pizza in the oven. The kitchen is safe for one more day.

 

P.S.

Why is it that when I try to sound like Gwen Stefani I wind up sounding like Cher but when I try to sound like Cher I sound like Bob Dylan? It's making it very hard for me to sing "Don't Speak" and "If I could turn back time".

Humor-Blogs

Technorati Tags: Gwen Stefani,Cher,Bob Dylan,Me,Humor-Blogs

Abstinence. A Cowgal and her cock + of rainbows and micey sox.

Listen up Everybody.

I need to make something very clear!

Having a precious little cutie in my arms DOES NOT (it's even underlined for emphasis) make me want to throw Andy on the floor and make him a MAN! (you know, again)(for the sole purpose of sprouting mini people)

IN FACT!

The opposite! Andy and I went home and had the "You don't yearn, do you?" talk. We agreed that the only yearning we have is for chocolate cake at midnight with a Tums chaser. MMMMMMM

So no.

NO BABY for this chick [pointing at myself] and that dude [pointing at Andy sleeping on the couch]!

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On to the cock!

I'd like y'all to meet my friend Jean Knee. She lives in a far off land known as TEXAS.

Below is a picture of her in her 20s alongside her young trusty cock. I'd like you to wish her a Happy Birthday!

As you can see, this was before the cock had matured and was still pale and flaccid.

He looks nothing like the powerful virile cock we know now! He learned many things along his journey of self dicovery thanks to his Cowgal Master, Jean Knee.



Happy Birthday Jean Knee!!!

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SOXY SOX!
On a more smelly note, I was a part of Elastic's Sooxy Exchange along with some other sooxy women. I got mine from Nancy Face. Now, I have to admit that prior to them gracing a stinky foot, they smelled nice. BUT!! After a long hard day of going here there and everywhere... well, let's just say they don't smell like roses.

This was way cool and I'm game for another swap!

AS LONG AS IT'S NOT PARTNER SWAPPING! I guard my Andy with a Whip and a Pistol! ;o)

The model was paid in Cheetos.

P.S.
If you have it in your dear hearts to click on Humor-Blogs, I'd really appreciate it!

Even those of you who arrived here via the *cock cowgal* search. Thanks!

P.P.S.
Am I the only person with a vajajay that doesn't give a rats ass about the movie Sex and the City?? Sarah J Parker makes me want to kill my TV. (We all know TVs are people) I also don't get the magnetic pull to Grey's Anatomy.

It is my duty as a woman to inform others about new cool gadgets that bring such pleasure!

MOTHER OF ALL THE GUACAMOLE!!!!
LOOK AT WHAT I JUST FOUND!!
It's called a Shoe Wheel and makes your shoes look so pretty as they twirl around on their own ferris wheel!
Currently I have all my shoes in their original boxes on a 10 tiered shelving unit and it’s a pain in the ass to keep pulling boxes out and then putting the shoes back in. Instead, I exercise my laziness and put them on this here bench until I have time to rearrange them.

I can’t leave them on the floor because Tazz likes to mark ‘em as his own. And by mark ‘em I DO mean pee on them the little bastard!

Anyway, maybe I can get my super awesome hubby to buy TWO for me as an early early early birthday present. Hmmmm??? It would be for both of us really since he hates it when I leave my shoes on stools, benches and chairs. Let's not talk about the time he sat on a 4 inch stiletto...

Speaking of Super Husbands, Andy wants to shave off his facial hair!! Porque???

The good news is that he agreed to do a Tell-All Post! His only concern was how much of the truth I'd be okay with him exposing. I let him know that everybody and their momma knows I have a temper so to be truthful to his heart (which I know how to rip out with my little hands!)(just kidding)(maybe).

Now for your part, if you'd like to win your very own shoe wheel, enter here.

Caffeine Head, Plain Jane

Crappy times in the Midwest.

So...
First the positive.

Even though we don't have Internet access at home [gasp!] we still have electricity... and cable!
On to the bad news. We are underwater. :o( Trees, branches everywhere.
My garden... [shaking my head] it's too depressing to talk about so that's all I have to say about that.

And AND! I broke a nail. I know, tough times.

Anyway back to the freak show!

Cutting off caffeine cold turkey is HARD!
I broke down on Thursday cuz it was just too exhausting to be a bee-yotch all day.
I had half a cup of regular coffee (AKA heaven's elixir) and my bitchyness (or should it be bitchiness? not sure. Be right back.) (Okay I checked with Word and it is definitely bitchiness but I’m leaving it in this way so you can see how much time I dedicate/waste to/on this blog.) mysteriously went away! Weird.
Don't worry, today I have an IV that is pumping me with caffeine as we speak.
Just thought I’d let y’all know in case I was mean to you the past few days.
I’m not apologizing just explaining.

Jane don't leave me!

I have some bad news.
Sit down cuz this is going to be rough.
My Jane Magazine people sent me a postcard.
They have decided to stop publishing Jane…!!!!
My Jane my Plain Jane NO!!!

How will I figure out how to hide bald spots in my hair?? (eye shadow)
How will I know what the cool new tunes are??? (The Pipettes, New Pornographers)
Who will tell me what good books to read?? (Sunstroke by Tessa Hadley; The Empress of Weehawken by Irene Dische)
What Mag will tell me where to go on vacation for less than 100 bucks?? (Dallas, Texas)
How will I know the tricks to sliding into tight jeans?? (baby powder on the legs)
What Mag will give me mixed drink recipes for when I one day become an alchy?? (Yummy Mojito)
Who will tell me what the new exercise fad is?? (Samurai Sword Fighting, Naked Yoga, Stripping!)
And they had other advice that I cannot discuss in mixed company. (and by mixed I just mean family members)
I’m no spring chicken so I have to go based on what they tell me is cool to keep up appearances!!

They offered me Glamour Magazine instead.
Glamour!
Do I freakin' look glamorous?!
Well um… you know, if you could see me, you would be able to see the only thing glam about me is my shoes. Today I’m wearing these to work.


I know there’s no need to show off but, if you knew the story of these shoes, you’d understand why I’m so proud of ‘em. (I also have them in black… shhh!)

Any-who… back to my woe-is-me!

I am going to call those publishing nitwits and let them know I don’t want their crumby Glamour Mag and to publish my Jane again! WTF!
They’ll listen to me right?
I mean, I can be very persuasive!


Maybe I can tell them I'm suffering from fear of West Nile Virus...?

I'm gonna ask OZ if I can leave early so I can start the flood clean up. He might say no but then I'll say fuck off! and leave anyway, you know, day like any other day. I'm telling you this in case you don't hear from me the whole weekend!

I have to go now.

I think I heard something about bagels taking over the kitchen. I must go investigate!

The Rambler

So...

Tuesday night Andy and I went to see the Bourne Ultimatium.
I just want to say that Matt Damon as Jason Bourne = Hot!

We went to a new theater that just opened up by our house and you know what I realized about myself?
My like or dislike of a movie theater is solely based on their Nachos.
This new movie theater gets two thumbs down!

RE: The Freakin' Mosquito Bites!!! <-color of my blood

I want to thank all the "well wishers" that are predicting when exactly my West Nile Virus symptoms will start showing up.
No. Really. Thanks.
I'm not worried at all!
Thank you from the bottom of my... middle finger!

Here is my theory (or denial):

If any or all of those (bloodthirsty sons/daughters of one winged mothers) mosquitos had the West Nile Virus, I would like to believe that my blood cured them.
Not only did it cure them but anybody else they bit after me has now got Beebadassness Syndrome.
Look out world, I may be coming to a neighborhood near you!
No need to thank me, as I've stated before, I'm just a public servant. (that says "public" right? yeah? okay!)
And to Brother Dan and Husband (for how long hmmm??) Andy I say 'way to gang up on the short girl wusses!' :op

On to the Mall

I was so stressed I had to buy myself something nice.
Maybe you guys can tell the undertaker to put these on me in case... well you know!
Are they super cool or what! I got 'em on sale for a fraction of their original price! Since Andy tortured me at dinner with the help of my traitor sibling I made him pay for them.
Dontcha love that my mind is in the right place?
So pretty.